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Thread: Wife doesnt want to save our marriage

  1. #41
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

    2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

    3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

    4. No

    5. No

    6. No
    Hmmmm... might possibly be a new female friend at work that is putting ideas in her head, or listening to her complaints and helping her to blame you.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

    2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

    3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

    4. No

    5. No

    6. No
    That is all good except number 1 or it could be nothing at all.

    Did her attitude towards you change not long after the new job?

    The key to most of these situations is to not and try to overtly convince the other person to stay or work on the relationship but to make an environment where they WANT to stay or work on the marriage.

    If she will not come right out and say what is going on with her then you have to fall back on what you have control over and that is you.

    Here are some common mistakes men make at times like these:

    Beg
    Grovel
    Act weak
    Kiss butt
    Buy flowers
    Think a few date nights will fix it
    Act clingy and needy
    Show fear

    All those things are incredibly unattractive.

    Doing the 180 works and has worked. Just remember it took time to get here so it will take time to work your way back. If you get that time is the big question...

    Lost

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    That is all good except number 1 or it could be nothing at all.

    Did her attitude towards you change not long after the new job?

    The key to most of these situations is to not and try to overtly convince the other person to stay or work on the relationship but to make an environment where they WANT to stay or work on the marriage.

    If she will not come right out and say what is going on with her then you have to fall back on what you have control over and that is you.

    Here are some common mistakes men make at times like these:

    Beg
    Grovel
    Act weak
    Kiss butt
    Buy flowers
    Think a few date nights will fix it
    Act clingy and needy
    Show fear

    All those things are incredibly unattractive.

    Doing the 180 works and has worked. Just remember it took time to get here so it will take time to work your way back. If you get that time is the big question...

    Lost
    She had the new job since begging of June, all this happened in the past 2 weeks.

    I have never heard about the 180 before. I just read about it and plan to implement it starting now. I know the hardest part is controlling my emotions (which are all over the place), but it is time to concentrate on improving myself for me and my son.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    She had the new job since begging of June, all this happened in the past 2 weeks.

    I have never heard about the 180 before. I just read about it and plan to implement it starting now. I know the hardest part is controlling my emotions (which are all over the place), but it is time to concentrate on improving myself for me and my son.
    I am wondering if fully and truly the switch happened because the 5 year old is now in school - that would be the big change in the house that happened in the past 2 weeks depending on what part of the country you are in. If your routine has not changed because of that (you are still finishing up the class just like you did when the kid was home 24-7) and nothing new on your end as far as networking in your new field or picking up hours to help out, then i can understand she might be hearing other women, or even men at her work have opinions to feed her with.

    I also think part of it may be atitude -- yours -- instead of being excited by the prospect of switching careers and looking optimistically at it, you are very limiting, you say you are too old for firefighter, EMT doesn't pay well, and your new career pays peanuts, too and you might not make anything in it. So why did you choose it? Networking and and attitude goes a long way. Everything is computers so you can't tell me the future is bleak. If she has carried the family all this time, only to find out her husband thinks he picked the wrong thing to get into......i would be frustrated, too.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I am wondering if fully and truly the switch happened because the 5 year old is now in school - that would be the big change in the house that happened in the past 2 weeks depending on what part of the country you are in. If your routine has not changed because of that (you are still finishing up the class just like you did when the kid was home 24-7) and nothing new on your end as far as networking in your new field or picking up hours to help out, then i can understand she might be hearing other women, or even men at her work have opinions to feed her with.

    I also think part of it may be atitude -- yours -- instead of being excited by the prospect of switching careers and looking optimistically at it, you are very limiting, you say you are too old for firefighter, EMT doesn't pay well, and your new career pays peanuts, too and you might not make anything in it. So why did you choose it? Networking and and attitude goes a long way. Everything is computers so you can't tell me the future is bleak. If she has carried the family all this time, only to find out her husband thinks he picked the wrong thing to get into......i would be frustrated, too.
    Our son did start school a few weeks ago, around the same time he started a couple of evening activities that take up 3 or 4 evenings a week. I was aware that might cause a little stress. Since he started school I have been actively looking for a job in the computer field. I have not at any point been sitting on my butt watching tv, not having dinner ready, or letting her come home to a dirty house.

    Im not sure if you read my post wrong or it got interpreted wrong. I am excited about starting a career in the computer field, never said otherwise. I did say in the beginning for the first couple years it wouldn't pay that well. After a couple years experience the pay off would be huge, and that was the end goal. The decision to go into the computer field was partly based off the fact that they arent going anywhere and the field will only continue to grow exponentially.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Controlling your emotions and not reacting when she tries to provoke a response is not easy but it can be done if you see it coming. You know her pretty well so you should be able to see through her. If you are ever caught off guard and don't know how to respond simply tell her "That is a good question, let me think about it and get back to you" or something along those lines.

    If you stop trying to change her mind and only focus on you then just about anything she says shouldn't have a lasting effect. I am not saying to be a robot, it is okay to have feelings or even get upset but once the initial shock has passed and you can step back and think it through you should be able to realize if it is important or just more of the same and then decide if you are going to allow it to control your behavior and ruin your game plan.

    Be strong and confident and somewhat aloof about what is going on with you. She may ask "So you think if you dress nicer and get in better shape I will change my mind?" You will need an answer to that. what will it be? Perhaps "No, I am doing this for me and our son, this whole thing has been a wake up call for me that I have put myself last to often" Then walk away.

    What ever you say it should be true and not some game to put her in her place. Give it some thought so you will be prepared. Remember, what ever the cause of this she has a big head start on you emotionally so you need to play catch up.

    Lost

  8. #47
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    Thanks everyone for the advice. I ended up calling a good friend and unloaded on him. He listened and let me vent, and I broke down. As embarrassing as I find that to be, breaking down like that was what I needed. It helped me clear my head some and think a little more clearly.

    Me and the wife sat down and talked after we put our son to bed last night. We calmly talked and listened to each other as we got our grievances out, 6 hours worth. In the end I told her I was sorry we let it get to this point no matter which way it went from here. I am working on improving myself and I'm not going to ask for her forgiveness, but I hope that I would earn it in time. We both admitted our faults. We figured out our communication sucks and that lead to resentment continually building up over time, couple that with the stress of life. We have a long road ahead of us, but for now we both agreed to work it out. Today is still rough for my emotions but they are little better today.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Hey that is awesome news!!!

    Of course that is just the start of a very long road. I know money is kind of an issue with your family at the moment but I would strongly suggest that you and your wife do not try and do this alone. Do you attend church? If not you should look for a family counselor or marriage counselor you can afford. Someone to guide you both towards a better relationship and communication.

    If you believe she is being genuine then don't take your foot off the gas and keep going with your plan to improve yourself like your marriage depended on it.

    There are times in our lives when things just blow up, unfortunately many times people get second chances and don't take full advantage of them. Don't be that guy, this may have all been a blessing in disguise.

    Keep posting, we love good news and happy endings on here, we just don't see enough of them...

    Lost

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