Wife doesnt want to save our marriage

[TxMidLifeDad]

I'm not saying you are. But I'm saying she thinks you are. My husband is not lazy at all. But there are plenty of things he could also be doing that is what's needed. With his ADHD, he'll work on something unnecessary for hours on end, but it's nothing to do what really needs to be done.

I find when the partner jumps to the conclusion that they're cheating, they could be, but it's also their way of not being accountable for their own actions. You keep bringing up how you both made these choices. But you have to remember, this is you life too. You need to learn when to cut your losses and when to lean in. It doesn't sound like you are doing either, but focusing on how, your "Wife doesnt want to save our marriage"...even that mindset alone means it's really up to her to save the marriage.

You aren't trying to figure out how you are culpable. A woman doesn't just wake up one day and go, "hey, I'm losing respect for my hubs." It takes a steady slide into that feeling. And by the time they bring it up, they've already have one foot out the door.

And just because you do a bunch; is it what she needs? Now you can keep thinking you're the victim that you had to become the stay at home dad, but it's not working. So stop. Make some choices about where you want to be in life. And do it. You don't need your wife to hold your hand for everything.

I never said anything about her cheating, I just think there is more to the story. She wont talk to me about anything so I guess I will never know. Im not leaving it up to her to save our marriage, I tried to talk to her so we both could work things out and get our feelings out in the open, but like you said, she is already out the door and doesn't want to talk. I understand I am not perfect, but it was a 2 way street. The only thing I am getting from you is it was all my fault for being lazy and jobless and not giving her what she needs. Do you know what she did for my needs? Maybe it was over a long time ago and i just missed all the signs, I will probably never know.

[Purdy]

I hate to say this.....buuuut.....you need to find out just what's on that phone of hers. I don't agree with posters calling you a loser or telling you to get a job. You have been doing what few men do - support your wife's career as per her own demands. She can't really prevent you from pursuing full time work and then be "resentful" that you don't have a career. Sorry, but there is something else going and you need to find out what that is.

Even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.

agree with this!

i mean sure, most women want a man who can provide BUT she agreed to this arrangement and now is resentful to you? makes no sense to put blame on you for something you BOTH decided.

she's definitely not in the mood to talk, which is code for she's not in any place to work on things with you. therefore, i'd keep looking for jobs and also watch her closely to see what else is going on. i have a feeling there is someone else in the picture feeding her lines of "you deserve better", "you're husband isn't a man", etc. now this person could be a new friend or a secret affair but whoever they are, they have influence.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband didn't want me to work so I didn't. Then he complained that I wasn't "contributing" ( I was only raising our kids and doing all the household chores...). So I got a job. Then he complained that I was tired and stressed all the time! I couldn't win.

I would go ahead and get a job because it's only going to benefit you. If she still wants out then it's not the lack of a job that's the problem.

[smackie9]

You are not leaving with nothing....you haven't been working, you have been raising your child, so guess what, she owes you alimony to keep you in the lifestyle you are used to. She can't kick you out, you own half of everything, and you will be sharing custody....that means no one receives child support. get a flippin lawyer.

[TxMidLifeDad]

You are not leaving with nothing....you haven't been working, you have been raising your child, so guess what, she owes you alimony to keep you in the lifestyle you are used to. She can't kick you out, you own half of everything, and you will be sharing custody....that means no one receives child support. get a flippin lawyer.

Ha! I live in Texas, I ain't getting anything except a kick in the butt as I go out the door.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my friend had to cite adultery for her divorce in Texas. Even so, she only got something like a year of spousal support despite being a stay at home mother for years.

[abitbroken]

Being an EMT doesnt pay the bills, its a very low paying job. The only reason I did it so long before was I didnt have a child and could work massive amounts of overtime. I know it seems crazy to start a low paying entry level job, but it still pays more than being an EMT. As far a choosing a career in computers, I need a entry level position for a couple of years to get experience to move up, and my degree medians 6 figures. I missed the cut off age for a firefighter years ago and have no desire to go back into the medical field, which would require more education also. Back then we both talked about it and together decided on me staying at home and working on starting a new career. We both understood it would take a while and be hard. These are not choices I made on my own.

But its an effort. And if she is working, you are working. You can work a shift that ables the child to only be in day care a short time a week - you can take the early shift - she takes the kid to school, you are home when the child needs to be picked up. Your salary will pay for the extra school supplies and then she cannot say you are sitting around while the kid is at school. Also, there are other jobs that EMT is positive experience for. So work starting at 5-7 am a couple days a week and be home to pick up your kid from school.

[LHGirl]

Ha! I live in Texas, I ain't getting anything except a kick in the butt as I go out the door.

Texas is a community property state. All assets acquired during the marriage are equally split. You should/could also expect to get a 50% custody agreement.

Texas is a no-alimony state, so no, you would not be entitled to spousal support, or alimony. Which is why it's really important for you to have a job if/when this dissolves.

[lostandhurt]

So something has changed. 9 times out of 10 it is some sort of outside force causing the change.

For those of us that have been on this forum a while and have seen this situation over and over again it is almost always another person. I would bet there is some new guy in her life you may have heard of in passing and didn't give it much thought because you trust her so much. Or it could be a new friend (usually recently divorced) that she has been talking to and hearing how the single life is so great and if she was free they could have so much fun out and about.

There is no way of fixing anything if you do not know what is broken.

Here are a few questions that need to be answered by you for us:

1. Has she changed her work hours?
2. Has her weight and the way she dresses changed?
3. Has her phone habits changed? On it more?, secretive with it?, takes it in the bathroom with her?, puts it down when she is texting and you come close?
4. Has she bought new underwear recently?
5. Has she started visiting friends she never seemed to visit before?
6. Does she meet coworkers for drinks?

There are more but answer these and lets see where we land.

What you are getting right now is her trying to get you to do something. It may be to try and get you to act like a jerk and justify what she is doing behind your back or it may be her trying to get you to be the one that ends things so she isn't the bad guy but she is up to something.

What you need to do is to not accuse her of anything, keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears wide open. Don't view her through the eyes of the man that loves her so much but through the eyes of a man that is trying to save his marriage. Stop asking her what is wrong because either she doesn't know or does not want to tell you the truth which is more likely.
Google doing the 180.
Basically you are going to do a total about face. Step up your game but not for her, for yourself.
Get up early, be clean shaven, dress nicer, smell nice, take your child out and do fun simple things together (park, walks, zoo, throwing the ball around, playing with toys), have the house clean and the yard done. Basically be the best possible version of who you were when you first met your wife.
There comes a time when you need to accept and understand what you can control and what you cannot. She has a mind set right now and you will never convince her to change it because she has to change it herself.

All this crap she is throwing at you is a smoke screen for what she is really feeling or doing. Ignore most of it and focus on what you have control over. No matter what happens down the road you will be okay and IF you do the things I suggest and the marriage ends you will be in a really good place to face that outcome.

Keep posting and answer the questions I asked.

Lost

[TxMidLifeDad]

So something has changed. 9 times out of 10 it is some sort of outside force causing the change.

For those of us that have been on this forum a while and have seen this situation over and over again it is almost always another person. I would bet there is some new guy in her life you may have heard of in passing and didn't give it much thought because you trust her so much. Or it could be a new friend (usually recently divorced) that she has been talking to and hearing how the single life is so great and if she was free they could have so much fun out and about.

There is no way of fixing anything if you do not know what is broken.

Here are a few questions that need to be answered by you for us:

1. Has she changed her work hours?
2. Has her weight and the way she dresses changed?
3. Has her phone habits changed? On it more?, secretive with it?, takes it in the bathroom with her?, puts it down when she is texting and you come close?
4. Has she bought new underwear recently?
5. Has she started visiting friends she never seemed to visit before?
6. Does she meet coworkers for drinks?

There are more but answer these and lets see where we land.

What you are getting right now is her trying to get you to do something. It may be to try and get you to act like a jerk and justify what she is doing behind your back or it may be her trying to get you to be the one that ends things so she isn't the bad guy but she is up to something.

What you need to do is to not accuse her of anything, keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears wide open. Don't view her through the eyes of the man that loves her so much but through the eyes of a man that is trying to save his marriage. Stop asking her what is wrong because either she doesn't know or does not want to tell you the truth which is more likely.
Google doing the 180.
Basically you are going to do a total about face. Step up your game but not for her, for yourself.
Get up early, be clean shaven, dress nicer, smell nice, take your child out and do fun simple things together (park, walks, zoo, throwing the ball around, playing with toys), have the house clean and the yard done. Basically be the best possible version of who you were when you first met your wife.
There comes a time when you need to accept and understand what you can control and what you cannot. She has a mind set right now and you will never convince her to change it because she has to change it herself.

All this crap she is throwing at you is a smoke screen for what she is really feeling or doing. Ignore most of it and focus on what you have control over. No matter what happens down the road you will be okay and IF you do the things I suggest and the marriage ends you will be in a really good place to face that outcome.

Keep posting and answer the questions I asked.

Lost

1. She changed jobs back in June, but everything has been steady since then.

2.No, she has actually put on a few pounds this summer

3.No, but she is and always has been on it a lot, I dont mention it because it has caused arguments in the past.

4. No

5. No

6. No