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Thread: Wife doesnt want to save our marriage

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    That's her response? She's "tired of this"? You are a stay at home Dad and getting back into the workforce because your child is going to kindergarten. I would suspect there is something else going on if she refuses to talk. I've been through it, you should try to find out if there is anyone else. Do Not Ask Her! She will deny and get mad. Just keep your eyes open and see if you notice anything...
    That's my feeling too, and I know better than to ask.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Right now packing groceries is better than chronic marital conflict and empty promises. Consider marriage therapy. Each of you is making huge marriage killing mistakes. You are both camped in resentment corners and the contempt is palpable.
    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

    I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

    The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

    I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.
    I hate to say this.....buuuut.....you need to find out just what's on that phone of hers. I don't agree with posters calling you a loser or telling you to get a job. You have been doing what few men do - support your wife's career as per her own demands. She can't really prevent you from pursuing full time work and then be "resentful" that you don't have a career. Sorry, but there is something else going and you need to find out what that is.

    Even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ooof, tough situation.

    I don't have kids, but observing my many friends who do there often seems to be something of a reckoning right around the time the kid turns 5. For the first time in a while, you guys are kind of able to come up for air, since your kid requires significantly less care and attention than in those early days. Feelings that may have suppressed, needs and desires that may have gone unattended, roles that have been outgrown, to say nothing of resentments that had been fomenting, all come to the surface. It's a hard wave to ride, and not everyone rides it out. A lot of divorces happen when a child is around this age, or at least that's when the boulder starts tumbling down the hill that gathers the moss that leads to divorce.

    So, what to do? I'd try to see some of all this in that context, and rather than continuing to try to talk it out, or quietly freaking out about what the "something else" might be, you take action. Talking isn't helping, and if that "something else" is as potent as you may fear there's nothing you can do and whatever action you take now is just going to help.

    The stay-at-home-dad phase is over, or at least about to drastically change. Your kid is at school now, giving you time to expand who you are, as a man. Great. Embrace that, as you're doing, with the job search. Just as a few years ago all your energy was being put into nurture, redirect a substantial portion of that toward earning. Let her step in a bit more with the nurture stuff. Hopefully the scales start to balance out. If they can't? At least you're more balanced out. Marital counseling can be great for navigating all this, if you're both open to it. Individual counseling can be great too, so I'd consider that, in your shoes.

    Also? You are so not a loser. Were you a woman writing this your wife (husband in that scenario) would be flayed for not understanding the sacrifices you've made. It's a bummer that we don't yet all live in the land of kumbaya equality—or, well, Scandinavia—but don't metabolize all this as you being a loser. Just time to broaden yourself, and the role you've been playing. Hopefully that works for getting your marriage back on track, but, even if it doesn't, you need to be on track for both yourself and your child.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dancingfool
    even if there is nothing, you need to call her out on her bs. Her attitude is not acceptable. This is not the time for you to roll over and play dead and just continue to cater to her demands. If she wants to leave the marriage, then she needs to pack her stuff and leave and pay you alimony and child support. Time for her to get a reality check and for you to grow a spine.
    amen, amen, amen!!!!!

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    I have been looking for a job. The plan was for me to find an entry level job in the computer field since that is what I am studying for. My age and lack of experience has been playing a factor in that. So yes, I am applying for any job I can find right now.

    I have a few job offers over the past couple years that the pay was pretty good, but I turned them down because she wanted to focus on her career and didn't want to put our son in day care full time. In the beginning I had a hard time dealing with being a stay at home dad, she always told me there was nothing wrong with it. We even moved 3 times to be closer to her work. We now live in a house we can barely afford because she wanted it.

    The entire time I have been a stay at home dad I have been taking care of everything. I cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, take care of animals, and anything else that needs done. She comes home from work and puts her pjs on and plays on her phone.

    I get that she wants me working a successful job, I want that too. I am at loss though because she wont talk or open up to me and I have been under the impression I was following our plan.
    Go back to being a EMT while you finish your degree. Also, why would you choose a degree that will only get you a low paying entry level job? You could have stayed as an EMT and worked into becoming a firefighter or you could have gotten the training to do something else in the medical field. Why reinvent the wheel when there are small children? go back to work and then if things don't change with her attitude, address it

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by TxMidLifeDad
    Our fights in the past were about normal marriage stuff as I would call it, who was suppose to do the dishes, ext. Those usually last no more than a few hours.
    So if you were taking care of the household chores, why would there be any fight about this? Any why would it take hours to fight about. Just do the darn dishes.

    After my hubs moved down by me and our son was born, I remember after 2 years of my hubs working here and there while watching our son part-time, and the other time in daycare, I had a talk with him that he needed to get a job. And he did. But I'm sure if he had sat on his hands for an additional 3+ years, we wouldn't have lasted. From her, it sounds like sh*t or get off the pot perspective.

    There's only oh so many sweatpant nights and take out a woman can endure when he hubs also can't plan dates as well.

    And when work is stressful for me, everything magnifies like his piles of dirty laundry taking up almost all of our bedroom floor. And I'm thinking, "I am tied of this" too. But the fact that now he earns 6 figures, and the kids are alive, I don't sweat too much over them.

    Even if does say, "hey, let's work things out," get a job - get a job - get any okay job. Forget computers. Unless you are graduating from a D3 school, or an insanely good programmer, or have been interning at a reputable place, it's dog eat dog world out there - not sure if you are a programmer, or in IT.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    From her, it sounds like sh*t or get off the pot perspective.

    There's only oh so many sweatpant nights and take out a woman can endure when he hubs also can't plan dates as well.
    Seriously? She comes home, puts on her PJs, plops down with her phone and does nothing to help after he has been SAH Dad all day. Unless she's a Nobel Prize winning Brain Surgeon, I think SHE is the one who should get off the pot!

    She's either banging someone else, or she's just a spoiled BRAT!

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Go back to being a EMT while you finish your degree. Also, why would you choose a degree that will only get you a low paying entry level job? You could have stayed as an EMT and worked into becoming a firefighter or you could have gotten the training to do something else in the medical field. Why reinvent the wheel when there are small children? go back to work and then if things don't change with her attitude, address it
    Being an EMT doesnt pay the bills, its a very low paying job. The only reason I did it so long before was I didnt have a child and could work massive amounts of overtime. I know it seems crazy to start a low paying entry level job, but it still pays more than being an EMT. As far a choosing a career in computers, I need a entry level position for a couple of years to get experience to move up, and my degree medians 6 figures. I missed the cut off age for a firefighter years ago and have no desire to go back into the medical field, which would require more education also. Back then we both talked about it and together decided on me staying at home and working on starting a new career. We both understood it would take a while and be hard. These are not choices I made on my own.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    Seriously? She comes home, puts on her PJs, plops down with her phone and does nothing to help after he has been SAH Dad all day. Unless she's a Nobel Prize winning Brain Surgeon, I think SHE is the one who should get off the pot!

    She's either banging someone else, or she's just a spoiled BRAT!
    A mom doesn't just come right out of the bat just plopping down and doing whatever. It's years of resentment, frustration, and anger that has them morph into that. And a lazy husband sure is enough motivation to become a couch potato.

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