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Thread: How to stop the feelings of regrets?

  1. #1
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    How to stop the feelings of regrets?

    In my previous post, I mentioned that my ex and I broken up, he came back and ask for a second chance but then left again after a petty fight. I know he doesnít love or care about me anymore and I should move on. But it so hard this time.

    I started to think about the past, wishing I could change things. We were each other first relationship and I admit it wasnít always happy and rainbow. We fights a lot and when I look back I know there were times when I was really stubborns and was hard on him. His was 18 and I was 22 when we start dating, and I know at the start he did try to be mature for me, saying stuff like he doesnít like clubbing or drinking, but it probably too hard to try and be mature being around his friends. I didnít mind if he drink or club, I did want him to life his live, but there were time where he wasnít being understanding, he was younger and we see things a bit differently. He tend to make me feel unimportant (like sometimes he would visit his friends and not me, or when he reply to a group msg but not to my private msg, he call me once and never call back and when I call he doesnít answer), I know it silly to be upset over stuff like that, but at the time I wasnít mature enough to know how to deal with it apart from being angry and frustrated. When I tell him Iím upset, he apologises said he will remember for next time, but he never does. It felt like my words meant nothing.

    But now I canít stop blaming myself. I feel like if I was more mature then, if I approach the situations differently, if I wasnít so easily get frustrated at him, if I gave him more freedom to just have fun instead of encouraging him to study and work, maybe he wouldnít stop caring about me, maybe he wonít think that Iím too negative and Iím a pain to hanging out with and it feel like work when his with me, maybe he wouldnít flirt with other girls or want to be with someone else, we would still be together if certain events didnít happened or happened differently.

    Have anyone experienced the same feelings like they wish they can turn back time and fix things, like it was all your fault. How do you stop yourself from feelings all these emotions and move on? I find it so hard right now, I canít stop thinking and it driving me crazy, I feel so pathetic. I find itís even harder than the first time he broke up with me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    An 18 yr old boy is vastly different mentally than a 22 yr old girl. The male brain isnt fully developed until age 25. That boy could not be the mature person he was trying to be as he's just not there yet.

    You need to distract yourself when you start thinking about him, develop some hobbies, acquire new friends, get a job, take a class, hang out with your bestie girlfriends. Get busy, stay busy.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Think of these feelings as one of the inevitable waves that crash following a breakup. Unavoidable, but not worth drowning in. Zoom out a few more inches, and what you're essentially saying is that if you were a completely different person and he was a completely different person then you'd be together, happy, instead of apart.

    But alas, you are who you are, and you both were you were, together. It's okay. Try to accept that, and accept what you're feeling right now aren't just pangs of regret but growing pains. You're maturing. It is an awful fact of life that sometimes we mature in the wake of people, rather than alongside them. But it is a fact of life, and the good new is that we don't grow backwards.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    People with a conscience and emotional intelligence (EQ) always eventually carry a world of regret and remorse. For the conscionable, they wish they could undo the past or behaved differently for a better outcome.

    I've felt guilty for various scenarios which went awry. Many times, there's nothing that can unravel the past and often times, there's no such thing as a do over.

    All you can do is learn from your past mistakes, poor choices in people (partner or friends) and poor decision making.

    It pays not to become emotionally impulsive, to think before you act, speak and write if you wish to take the more conservative route and err on the side of caution.

    There's a lot you cannot control. When some people are together, no matter how hard you try to force it to make it work, there are too many personality and character defects and differences which cause relationships to eventually dissolve.

    Take a negative, bad experience and transform it into wisdom gained for your future. You learn how to navigate yourself intelligently, exercise self control and think instead of react. You become more shrewd and prudent.

    Whenever I feel bad about pasts that went awry, I always tell myself it was a harsh lesson learned. You will grow up and mature as you thoroughly think long and hard.

    If it wasn't for my bad experiences, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy my peaceful, content, stable, solid life today with my husband and two sons in the suburbs.

    Every negative experience leads to becoming smarter for positive outcomes in the future. Change the way you think.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There's nothing wrong with learning from the past what we can do better in the future. So, you've learned how better to handle your next relationship. But believing that you could have changed the outcome with an 18 year old isn't productive. Most first relationships don't last, so there's no sense in beating yourself up about that.

    Head high, and move your focus FORward.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    After the regrets, come acceptance. You'll learn to accept your mistakes and the mistakes of others (your ex) and then in time, you'll be able to correct yourself and tell yourself that you want things to be different. We all learn through pain and sometimes regret too. You're in a stage of processing after the break up. I don't think anyone has ever not felt pathetic after a break up no matter what's happened or how it went down.

    Stay focused on you and gradually poke your head out and come up for some air. Get in touch with your family and friends and don't be afraid to engage with the world again.

  8. #7
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    Thank you everyone for your advice and comments. Iíve been distracting myself with work, and hanging out with friends doing more activities now.

    The pain still come and go but it does feel a lot easier now than a week or two ago. I try to accept what happened and learn from my past. I just hope in time the feelings of regrets will go away. Iím just scare that I can never fall in love again.
    Last edited by Wonder01234; 09-17-2019 at 01:53 AM.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    An 18 yr old boy is vastly different mentally than a 22 yr old girl. The male brain isnt fully developed until age 25. That boy could not be the mature person he was trying to be as he's just not there yet.

    You need to distract yourself when you start thinking about him, develop some hobbies, acquire new friends, get a job, take a class, hang out with your bestie girlfriends. Get busy, stay busy.
    I completely agree with what youíve said. At the time he was so sincere and trying hard to prove his matured, I overlooked the age gap. He said all these stuffs to make me happy because he really likes me, but it slowly changes after we started dating.

    Iíve been trying hard to distract myself. My friends been very supportive which helped a lot.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Think of these feelings as one of the inevitable waves that crash following a breakup. Unavoidable, but not worth drowning in. Zoom out a few more inches, and what you're essentially saying is that if you were a completely different person and he was a completely different person then you'd be together, happy, instead of apart.

    But alas, you are who you are, and you both were you were, together. It's okay. Try to accept that, and accept what you're feeling right now aren't just pangs of regret but growing pains. You're maturing. It is an awful fact of life that sometimes we mature in the wake of people, rather than alongside them. But it is a fact of life, and the good new is that we don't grow backwards.
    Youíre right, I keep trying to imagine what if I was different and he was different. We are who we are and I know I shouldnít keep thinking about the past, it just really hard sometimes to ignore. Iím trying hard to accept it and accept that the lesson Iíve learnt has help me become the person I am today. I know Iíve grow and mature a lot since then, maybe thatís why when I look back I realised how immature I was at times.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    People with a conscience and emotional intelligence (EQ) always eventually carry a world of regret and remorse. For the conscionable, they wish they could undo the past or behaved differently for a better outcome.

    I've felt guilty for various scenarios which went awry. Many times, there's nothing that can unravel the past and often times, there's no such thing as a do over.

    All you can do is learn from your past mistakes, poor choices in people (partner or friends) and poor decision making.

    It pays not to become emotionally impulsive, to think before you act, speak and write if you wish to take the more conservative route and err on the side of caution.

    There's a lot you cannot control. When some people are together, no matter how hard you try to force it to make it work, there are too many personality and character defects and differences which cause relationships to eventually dissolve.

    Take a negative, bad experience and transform it into wisdom gained for your future. You learn how to navigate yourself intelligently, exercise self control and think instead of react. You become more shrewd and prudent.

    Whenever I feel bad about pasts that went awry, I always tell myself it was a harsh lesson learned. You will grow up and mature as you thoroughly think long and hard.

    If it wasn't for my bad experiences, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy my peaceful, content, stable, solid life today with my husband and two sons in the suburbs.

    Every negative experience leads to becoming smarter for positive outcomes in the future. Change the way you think.
    Thank you for your advice. I noticed Iíve grown a lot since I first started dating my ex. I know there is no such thing as a do over, and all I can do is learn from the past and make the future better. I will try my best to distract myself and move forward.

    I just donít understand why the second time is so much harder, I wish he never came back and stir up my feelings. Why lied about wanting to be with me, gave me hope and then run off again. Just feel so unfair, but I guess life is never fair.

    Iím really happy that youíre able to find peace and happiness now. It sounds like you have an amazing family. I really hope I can as well in the future, because right now Iím really scare I wonít be able to fall in love again.

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