At my wit's end

My husband had drank for years but lately its worse and I'm being neglected. He stays in the kitchen all night and drinks. My daughter has noticed and that's when I put my foot down and told him to get help. He started therapy and started antidepressant. The problem is he keeps going off the antidepressants and continues to drink. He stopped counceling. My daughter feels he won't take me seriously unless he leaves the house. He feels when I talk to him everything is okay so he continues to drink and not take his antidepressants. I have supported him for years. Not sure what to do next.

He needs to have a consequence for his behavior. If he drinks again, kick him out. Tell him if he drinks, he has to go. Make sure you follow through.

Don't support him anymore. Don't be an enabler.

If he falls down and lies in his own vomit, don't clean it up. Don't rescue him. He needs to go to AA.

Either he goes or you go. Don't live together anymore.

You got some valuable answers already at the other forum you posted this on. You need to gather your resources and think of your child. He needs help that you can’t provide.

Don't support him anymore. Don't be an enabler.

 

If he falls down and lies in his own vomit, don't clean it up. Don't rescue him. He needs to go to AA.

 

Either he goes or you go. Don't live together anymore.

As harsh as it sounds to do this, I couldn't agree more.

Have you spoken to your husband about why he was put on anti depressants in the first place? It seems that there is a lot more here that your husband just having a drink. Drinking like many things becomes an addiction and if your husband is using this to numb something traumatic in his past the medication may not be what he needs.

I see you feel that you are being neglected and its not good that your daughter has noticed either. Personally I would speak to him privately, express your concerns, tell him how you feel and that his behavior is not affecting your marriage. If you can and she wants to get your daughter involved in the conversation and ask her to express to your husband how the situation makes her feel.

Secondly see if you can have a heart to heart with your husband. There may be more to his drinking then just escaping the daily grind. Support may be what he needs along the way, understanding that addiction to any drug including alcohol is a very difficult habit to break and if it has been going on for as long as you say, he would be having withdrawal and many other symptoms relating to coming off of alcohol. I had a family member who had to go in for surgery who had to be put on a replacement so his body didn't go into shock from not having any alcohol.

At the end of the day this is something you have to support your husband to get through. Understanding, time and patience will be required and it may take time but as a family you will get through it.

Jarnold. I have had the talk with him on many occasions. He does not make an effort to get better or to work on the marriage. All I ask is some quality time with him. I always go out of my way to come up with ideas to spend quality time. Them I ask him to try and he says he will and never does. Even a small gesture of flowers or a quick sweet text.

It is difficult when you can see somebody you love being so self destructive. You don't seem to have many options. Time apart could make him worse and I'm going to go out on a whim here and say you don't want to see that happen?

AA is another option. But, he has to want to get clean, he has to do this for himself and his family. Have you tried giving him an ultimatum? "It's either your family or the drink?"

Unfortunately, and trust me I am not trying to stick up for your husband, his mind would be preoccupied with where his next fix is coming from.

Show him what he risks losing, pack a bag and stay away with your daughter, if you make the effort with him daily cut it out, show him how he makes you feel daily. Hell, forget to make his dinner one day. It sounds like you are putting in the time but getting none back. If you aren't getting what you need emotionally from the relationship it will soon fall apart. He needs to see the seriousness of this but you have to know that at some point you may have to call time on the relationship if he continues to chose alcohol over you.

Sorry to hear this is happening. His first love is booze and his primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is just an annoyance or a pawn. You can talk and talk and talk, but as you've seen, it gets nowhere. What you can do is start googling AlAnon for online and in person support. It is for people involved with alcoholics, like yourself.

I have had the talk with him on many occasions. He does not make an effort to get better or to work on the marriage. Them I ask him to try and he says he will and never does.

If he wont go to AA then you should go so you can learn how to deal with this guy. A drunk is a lousy person to live with. He has to hit bottom before he will figure out that he needs help, you cant do this for him. But you can get help for you and your child.

Personally, I'd throw him out and if that fails I'd take my kid and leave.

From a website: Combining alcohol with antidepressants could potentially be fatal. Alcohol can cause depression itself and also keeps some antidepressants from working as well as they should. This could lead to an increase in suicidal thoughts and actions.

This doctor shouldn't have subscribed antidepressants until your husband had proven he can stay sober.

I'd make once last attempt at scaring him into the seriousness of the matter. Get ready to go out and when he asks you where you're going, tell him you're going to an Al-anon meeting. There are experts there who will guide you on what your next action should be.

If you two own the house, you shouldn't be the one to leave. It's the worst thing you can do when a divorce is imminent. You need to protect your assets.

In the meantime, start separating your finances. Get him off of your credit cards. Get his name off of a shared bank account if you're the primary owner. If he doesn't care enough about you--that you'll be happier with a husband who is not an alcoholic and he should stop, then you need to stop caring about him for your own good.

Lookup AlaNon meetings in your area and start attending to learn from people who walk in your shoes. I'd also seek legal advice from an attorney to learn your options and the best steps to take for each option.