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Thread: Don't know what to do anymore

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jarnold90
    Thank you Cherylyn, Unfortunately not, and once again I am to blame for that. About 4 months before the break up my ex mentioned seeing a counselor but i brushed it off, I was honestly in complete denial at the state of the relationship, and I was in complete denial until about 2 weeks after the break up when I finally realised it had come to an end. I then went on to ask if we could reconcile and seek professional help and it was a firm no and no, I don't blame her either.

    Of course I am understating the severity of what happened and "blip" is the wrong term for what happened.
    I have also not heard the term 'gas lighter' until recently my ex told me that was what I was doing and I honestly had no idea, I, in my own world, thought I was justified in every argument and word spoken, it is only now looking back and seeing what was said and the actions I took I feel physically sick with the person that I was.

    Thank you for your straight talking and I will first and foremost reflect on the relationship, my actions and reactions and think long and hard about whether or not I can truly treat somebody with the respect they deserve before trying to commit again.
    You're very welcome, jarnold90. I commend you for being humble. So many people are prideful with inflated egos yet you are humble enough to admit wrongdoing. It takes a real man (or woman in other cases) to admit fault and express sincere remorse.

    I imagine you've since groveled already. I imagine you were humble enough to sincerely apologize to her and promise to change and become a decent human being and a real man. A real man is someone who knows how to behave honorably with strong morals and a conscience.

    You're right, it wasn't a "blip."

    I'm glad you googled the word "gaslighting." Gaslighting is manipulating the conversation whether in written or verbal form. It's steering the conversation where you want to take it, deflecting the subject, refusing to address the issue or subject and forcing the other person to think that their perception is incorrect and faulty. It's name calling, shaming, calling the other person crazy, confused, mad, delusional and forcing the other person to think that they don't have their facts straight to the point of hallucination. It's the nastiest, slickest maneuver in the book and nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before. I didn't understand this psychological warfare until I went to my local library and read actual books about gaslighting. Then it dawned on me one day and I figured it out. I avoid gaslighters like the pox.

    You still have a lot going for you, jarnold90. Most people never learn from their mistakes nor come clean to admit where they went wrong with people. You, however, have done both which is a reflection of both your intelligence, emotional intelligence (EQ - google those words) and your newfound empathy. You are developing emotional intelligence (EQ). You will take your new wisdom and apply it in the future when you engage in interpersonal dynamics and relationships no matter who it is in society. All was not in vain.

  2. #12
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    What was it about you that made you think it was OK to treat someone you claim to love and the mother of your child so poorly?

    Why did it take her ending the relationship for you to realize you were being a jerk?

    If she hadn't ended it would you still be treating her poorly?

  3. #13
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    Thank you bluecastle, I honestly didn't know what to expect from posting here today but I know I didn't expect to be greeted by such inspirational words and I think it is the first time I have gained any real forward objective from the internet.

    I think the best thing I can aim towards now is being a positive role model for the children in my life and show going forward that I can be a man who knows how to treat and respect another person while being able to love and respect myself. I know there will be some work to do on the latter!

    Thank you for the observation and I guess humility has come along with the territory of the situation which is one thing I can be thankful for and I hope you're right that this temporary phase does lead out to something stronger and brighter.

    I am 110% going to focus my mind now and aim to build a lasting friendship with my ex, a friendship that can be shown as a healthy relationship to all children going forward, something healthy and meaningful that they can base their futures around, opposed to the way I have been.
    You're right about the emotional turbulence, every time I think it is now over the spectrum of jealousy, anger and paranoia can be overwhelming! Honestly you have been a star and I'll be bookmarking your comments to refer back to. Thanks again


    Cherylyn again I have to thank you to. You're right I have been through all the motions of grovelling, begging, promising to change and being the best man I could possibly be but without action it is all for naught, dealing with certain emotions and not letting them overtake my goals has been a real issue. But remorse and having accountability for my actions has been very freeing.

    I did and I was honestly completely taken aback, I honestly saddened myself looking at certain aspect of this and thought that I should probably never speak to her or anybody else again and I'd be doing them a favor. My issue was I thought I was right and that everything I said was justified. I couldn't count the amount of times I've dismissed genuine concerns as crazy delusions or paranoid hysteria. It was bordering on narcissism and I am more ashamed to admit that then I like to admit!

    Thank you, I will be doing a lot of soul searching and reading from here, understanding the issue and the goal is the first stage of the battle.

    Thank you again, you have been an absolute gem, both of you, you words were exactly what I needed and this forum is blessed to have both of you.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What was it about you that made you think it was OK to treat someone you claim to love and the mother of your child so poorly?

    Why did it take her ending the relationship for you to realize you were being a jerk?

    If she hadn't ended it would you still be treating her poorly?
    Honestly, I was in a complete state of denial, through and through I couldn't see the issue. I would blame her for the problems we were having and day to day thought my actions and words were justified. I took a strong, intelligent woman and broke her down and not once did I realise that I was doing it.

    I know its probably hard to believe now but I do love her, the break up gave me chance to step back, to see what was really going on. To take a breath and spend months to myself looking back at my actions, her actions and seeing who was really the catalyst. Realising that all in all she hadn't really changed and seeing the effort she made for me while I brushed it off. I realised far, far, far too late that my 'one' had let me go and I was the only one to blame.

    Yes, I wont lie, if she hadn't ended it things would probably not have changed and it scared me to think that I could have been breaking her down. As stupid as it sounds, we needed this, this break up on these terms was necessary and I can't get away from that.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thank you back for the kind words.

    I won't bore you with my life story—I've got a decade on you—but rest assured if anything I'm saying sounds remotely wise it was earned in my own fires, many self-started, my own battle between pride and humility, with some loves lost and lashings (given and received) along the way. I'm not proud of very minute of my life, particularly a few junctures, but I wouldn't change a minute of it. Honestly, it was learning to look at it all like that that allowed me to understand what compassion really is, that it kind of begins with cutting yourself some slack while also holding yourself to high standards. When you can do that to yourself you can extend it to others.

    With that in mind, I'd be careful not to make the whole narrative here a story about how you f'ed up everything and broke down a strong, intelligent woman. It's a big part of the story, sure, and nothing to sugarcoat. But lean too hard in that direction and you risk swinging to the opposite pole where you began, which is kind of the same pole, with guilt and shame replacing hubris—one where you are too much the hero (or villain) of the story instead of seeing yourself as just a character, one with an equal weight as all the others. Being humble is about being small, so you can see more of the picture, you know?

    Sometimes it takes a really shi**y chain of events to show us where we've been a sh*t. Sucks. The good thing is that we can't unsee when we eventually do see, so now's the time to start making sure you see something else when you look in the mirror.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    jarnold90, Well, look at it this way: Since your the father, you'll always have a relationship with your daughter since you'll pay child support and co-parent. Because of your daughter, you'll always have a relationship with your daughter's mother.

    You can try to continue to reconcile with her, however, don't be surprised if she's not receptive to your overtures. Just be prepared for any scenario.

    It's never too late to change for yourself and others.

    Hang in there. You will be ok.

  8. #17
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    I have to give you credit for being honest. Lots of people here would say they have a temper but excuse it by saying their partner brought it on. But you said it was your deal so for kudos for your self awareness. Now.. moving on
    Seems to me you want help to get her back. Seeking help should not be viewed as a way to get your X back. If you do this you will try to prove on a constant basis that you are making positive steps and if she doesn't care, doesn't notice or doesn't acknowledge it. It will only make you angry that she doesn't or cant appreciate that you are doing this for her.
    That's not the right way to do it. If you want to change, it must be done for you and the life of your child and your future. Learning how to control your anger is what is important. Also you have to figure out why you say hurtful things. But that is what a professional is for and not to help you get your X back.
    Decide if you want to change for you or for her

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