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Thread: Thoughts on how to proceed needed

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by dino7994
    We genuinely do work well together and have a great relationship, and I think that once this stress dissipates, things will be better. We aren’t together right now, that is clear. We agreed to step back until tests are over and see where things are at. I guess I’m wondering what exactly I can do to “chill” and not push him even farther away and show him from afar that I’m worth another chance. Guess I just want opinions and thoughts on all of this. I am in therapy for my depression and anxiety, and he is aware of this.
    Eh? Are we reading the same post, one that you wrote?

    Girl. It's time to get real with yourself. This is not a great relationship. It's one that includes an awful lot of evasiveness, dishonesty, hot-cold, unanswered questions, lies of omission, lack of emotional intimacy and general instability. I am genuinely baffled as to how you much you are willing to kid yourself here and pull the wool over your own eyes.

    He's got another girlfriend, OP. It's the "friend" you keep finding with him. It's plain as day he's been lying to you, and probably to her too.

    My guess? You are the unwitting side-piece and have been for a long time. A friend of mine went through this years ago, and a lot of the same signs are here, too. She discovered her boyfriend of two years had had another girlfriend the entire time they'd been dating. She pieced it together on her own and eventually realized all his stories about not being close to his family and friends, and his excuses for essentially excluding her from his private life, were fabrications designed to keep the two women from finding out about each other. His friends and family were close to Girlfriend #1, had no clue my friend really even existed, so integrating my friend into his life would have blown his cover wide open. It was all eventually revealed anyway, but certainly not the way he would have wanted!

    In the future, don't be so willing to excuse away and "write off" suspicious behaviour. You would be better served by working on your self-esteem so you don't find yourself trying to jump through hoops for more shady dudes in the future. Forget this guy. He's not who you thought he was, and is trying to get rid of you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. This should make you much more sure of what to do. Cut him off. He's with someone else. He's been trying to tell you that. No do not contact her or him. They don't owe you an explanation. He's already told you it's over, stay away, don't drop in, chill, and give him space. Keep the focus on you. You're not in a relationship with him.
    Originally Posted by dino7994
    She referred to my ex as her "boyfriend."
    Now I guess I'm even more unsure what to do. Do I contact this woman somehow and let her know?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    There is no point in contacting the other woman. It will change nothing. It is good that you found out because you now have your answer on how to proceed. You need to let go and move on. This guy is clearly not the one for you. You need to go no contact and focus solely on yourself and your healing. Good luck.

  4. #14
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    Do not contact the other woman. Stay no contact. This guy is having his cake and eating it. Doubtful you can prove 100% he is cheating with her but regardless of that he's too flakey and inconsistent even if he isnt cheating. From what i've read i don't trust him.

    I would fade out of each others lives quietly if i were you both. I would suggest seeking professional help for yourself also if tihs is what you believe a good, healthy relationship is.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In an entire year, he never introduced you to friends and family. That's a sign he was never serious about you, and it kept his persona as being free for any cuties that happened his way.

    Most guys who are into a woman would invite her to watch him play a sport. He'd want to show off for her and include her in his passion.

    This experience hasn't been a waste if you can learn from it so that you can cut the losers off far soon next time in order to find the keeper. Work on boosting your self esteem whether it be by reading books on self-help skills or going to a therapist. Your poor self worth is the reason why you wore rose colored glasses and chose to believe a fantasy versus the ugly reality.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dino7994
    You all inspired me to do a bit more digging, as your points all made too much sense. I had a gut feeling something was off, and it was. TripAdvisor posts on an observatory he said he went to on his trip yielded a review from a woman from our area of the country, who reviewed places throughout their trip, from Utah to Arizona. She referred to my ex as her "boyfriend."
    Now I guess I'm even more unsure what to do. Do I contact this woman somehow and let her know?
    Don't do this anymore. He's already strange enough as it seems towards you and he doesn't want to be with you. He's not even interested in you. He's a little creeped out by you according to him. By contacting this woman you'll just be confirming to her, him, everyone at their work place or who knows the both of you how unstable you are. Do not contact her. Find peace in your hobbies, interests, do not date right now.

    It's a good idea to keep working with your therapist.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What everyone else is saying.

    I didn't want to make the presumption from your post, because I'm not into fear-mongering, but if I'm honest my gut said basically the same thing that yours has said (without being fully acknowledged) basically since you got involved with him: namely, that he is involved with someone else in some capacity. Well, now you know. And knowing that's not for you it means you can let go to find a better match.

    Rather than contact her, which does no one any favors, I'd take a moment, maybe with your therapist, to explore what's behind that urge. Because it seems to be connected to what drew you toward him—an instinct to engage, rather than disengage, at every juncture when you were presented with evidence of incompatibility and rationalize that instinct as evidence of how "good" you guys work together. Yeah, surprising someone by showing up at their hockey game is nice and all, but not when it's fueled by hurt and paranoia. Ditto showing up at the airport. Contacting this woman would basically be a more heightened and destructive version of all that, a giving in to an instinct that does not serve your genuine interests or your fullest self.

    I'm sorry for this moment. It's a tough one, I know. But it can be a moment of growth, a lesson, a juncture in life that leads you to check in with yourself a bit more and expand a bit more into your truest shape. When you know your own boundaries you'll be more drawn to people who compliment them rather than blur them.

  9. #18
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    I agree with all the posters here. Please open your eyes and truly see all the red flags. You know they are there because your gut told you so. You don't need this situation in your life. Let him go and run the other way. Don't be a doormat, OP, please.

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