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Is it bad to be too trusting in a relationship?


camnicko

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My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and overall it's been pretty good. Both early 30s. We've moved in and have long term plans. I don't doubt her and never did but my friends tell me I'm naive.

 

My girlfriend Jenna wanted to go to Cuba but I couldn't make it. She told me she's going with her coworker who's a guy. I'm now beginning to get worried a little but don't know if I'm overthinking. Never worried before but my friends say I should. She told me they're staying in the same room. They're there now and I have a hard time getting a hold of her.

 

I think my friends approach is too controlling. Like they tell me I should tell her to not wear certain things but I don't feel right saying that. She goes to bars and clubs and I never feel like I need to stop her. Am I naive? Only thing I'll say is that she's always with guys but she says it's to be safer. I don't like going out much so she goes. I rather she be safe but again am I stupid to trust her to stay at hotels with guys afterwards?

 

The thing is why would she be so open if she was cheating. Wouldn't she hide it? I don't think she would. And what she wears around guys she says is just for herself.

 

I am generally very trusting but now I have some doubt, what's the best thing to do? She's away another few days.

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Best thing to do? Stop listening to your friends. Deal with how YOU feel about her and the guy she went on holiday with. You know how much you do or dont trust her. I trust my husband completely and if he went on holiday with another woman, and assuming I knew this woman, I'd probably be ok with it. You should never tell your gf how to dress or not dress, that is controlling. She is her own person.

 

I went on an overnite with a male friend several years ago, my husband's best buddy, to his sister's house. Nothing happened, we had separate rooms. It is totally possible to have a platonic relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

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It's not bad to trust. It's good to trust. It's also good to communicate what your personal boundaries are generally and then specifically so that you're both on the same page. I would not be comfortable with my husband sharing a hotel room with a female coworker because that's playing with fire. However, there have been a few situations on business trips where a colleague wanted to use his room to shower (so he or she wouldn't have to pay for a whole other day at the hotel) and vice versa. In those cases I was fine with it and my husband volunteered that in all those situations only the person showering would be in the room at that time. Otherwise I would have worried about a he said/she said situation not that my husband would behave inappropriately. In reality if it actually happened once it was a lot - because it turned out there were other options for showering.

 

Everyone has their own personal boundaries about what is appropriate. I went to a jazz night at a museum with my female friends. I am sure there were single women there looking to meet people including my friend. My husband stayed home with our son so I could go. He trusts me to behave appropriately. But if I'd said I was going to stay out all night long and crash at a guy's place he would not like that one bit. And I wouldn't blame him. Nor would I ever in a million years suggest that plan to him. That's just one example of many.

 

If she is in her late 20s she's getting to an age and stage in my humble likely judgey opinion that she should be done with dressing that way when she is not with you and is around single guys at a bar or club. But you can't tell her, it's her choice.

 

I know of a mom around that age maybe a bit older who dresses that way in the middle of the day at school-related situations. She has a daughter who is young and a husband. I wondered why she made those choices - she basically is barely dressed and spilling out of her clothing and sometimes would have a female friend with her similarly dressed. Now she and her partner are separated. She says she needed a break and moved out. The little girl is now with her dad most of the time and he told me he used to have full custody of her. I made no comments about that or anything. I am telling you that if you care or your girlfriend cares, if she wants to present herself as a mature adult who is in a committed relationship dressing like that and hanging around bars with guys who are drinking -or if she is drinking, kinda seems inconsistent with being in a committed relationship unless it's once in a long while and for a good reason . Maybe it's because I'm an old married lady. I don't know. I partied (without drinking or taking any drugs) for many years when I was single. Dressed like that too. It was really fun. When I was in a serious relationship I limited that type of socializing and since I never got buzzed or drunk it was fine.

 

Decide what your boundaries are and discuss with her. Not lecture, discuss.

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Only you get to make that judgment call, OP. The only weird thing is that she's in her early 30s and feels compelled to go out like she's 18 all over again. It doesn't sound like she made it past first year of college. Maybe you should take a good look at your choice in women overall.

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Best thing to do? Stop listening to your friends. Deal with how YOU feel about her and the guy she went on holiday with. You know how much you do or dont trust her. I trust my husband completely and if he went on holiday with another woman, and assuming I knew this woman, I'd probably be ok with it. You should never tell your gf how to dress or not dress, that is controlling. She is her own person.

 

I went on an overnite with a male friend several years ago, my husband's best buddy, to his sister's house. Nothing happened, we had separate rooms. It is totally possible to have a platonic relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

 

Yes, I have platonic male friends and I do my best not to do date like activities. I made a mistake once -had a four hour weeknight dinner with my platonic friend -he was married, I was single. We'd dated in the past and I'd been invited to his wedding and met his wife several times. He was having some marital issues which he shared with me. He was NOT flirting and neither was I and his wife was furious he stayed out that late with me. And you know she was right because he was home late plus she knew he was with me and she trusted me to a point. And I guess she trusted him (to my knowledge he always was 100% faithful to her). Yes, I will have lunch with a male friend, yes my husband will do the same with a female friend. No, I would not be ok if he shared a room and likely would be if it was a home with separate rooms depending on the purpose of the trip and whether she was supportive of our marriage as opposed to potentially interested in him -because if the latter it could send the wrong message =playing with fire.

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ThatwasThen, That was rude. You were in pain once too.

 

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I'm in a blunt mood, I'm sorry for this. Your friends advise is the worst I've ever heard. She will dump you within the month if you do that. But, honestly, I think it's time you focus on your recovery, not what your future with her holds.

 

Yes, your gut is telling you what you need to know. It's good you are trusting, and I complement you on not trying to watch. However, ask yourself, would she go if it was your Dad? Probably not. Would she go if it was your neighbor, the one with the half tucked in shirt, belly? No. She went with someone she is willing to be in the same room with, all night. You need to decide for yourself. Is sex just sex? How will she react if you do the same? Are you capable of allowing her to be free, do as she will, and allow her to make her decision about you? If she chooses you, then all of this will be meaningless. But, if you are co-dependent, you are either in agreement to be exclusive, or you are telling her she has to do only the things of your choosing. I can assure you, you prefer she chooses you out of freedom of choice.

 

If you are not exclusive, then let her be free. See if she comes back. And make sure she understands you are free to decide how you are going to accept or not accept something and to choose your interest in this relationship. If you set her free, you need to set her free, and let her come back to you. And she needs to do the same for you. If this is too much to handle, then walk away and find someone more along the lines of who you need in your life.

 

A tight belly and pretty hair is just not worth your anxiety. If she hasn't choosen you, then it's time to walk away.

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The best gauge of a relationship, generally, is our own gut. They all operate according to their own private logic system, so the peanut gallery of friends can often just disrupt that logic—and, in the process, get us out of touch with our guts.

 

To which I ask: Do you think you're reacting the way you are, right now, because your friends' comments are forcing you to think about something you've been suppressing (i.e. ignoring your gut)? Or do you think you're reacting this way because they are interfering with what you know to be true (your gut)?

 

From what you've written I can easily spin a story to throw some kerosene on the flame of your concerns, stirring in my own personal thoughts to add to the heat. Then again, I could just as easily spin a story about how what you have is what everyone wants—trust, openness, freedom to live your individual truths while respecting the shared and sacred truth of your bond. But I'm just a dude typing this in California. You know what's what far more than I do.

 

Trust is essential; there can never be too much. Being on the same page is just as essential. Ideally that's pretty organic—the foundation of the private logic system you build together—though equally ideal is being able to address the moments when it's not. She can cheat on you wearing a burlap sack, so please don't go down the road of asking her to button up—that's the road, to extend an awkward metaphor, where the seams unravel. You've agreed to this trip, the trip is happening, so that's that. If, upon reflection, it leaves you feeling uneasy you can have a chat about that, one where maybe some new boundaries are gently set to avoid future discomfort.

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The best gauge of a relationship, generally, is our own gut. They all operate according to their own private logic system, so the peanut gallery of friends can often just disrupt that logic—and, in the process, get us out of touch with our guts.

 

To which I ask: Do you think you're reacting the way you are, right now, because your friends' comments are forcing you to think about something you've been suppressing (i.e. ignoring your gut)? Or do you think you're reacting this way because they are interfering with what you know to be true (your gut)?

 

From what you've written I can easily spin a story to throw some kerosene on the flame of your concerns, stirring in my own personal thoughts to add to the heat. Then again, I could just as easily spin a story about how what you have is what everyone wants—trust, openness, freedom to live your individual truths while respecting the shared and sacred truth of your bond. But I'm just a dude typing this in California. You know what's what far more than I do.

 

Trust is essential; there can never be too much. Being on the same page is just as essential. Ideally that's pretty organic—the foundation of the private logic system you build together—though equally ideal is being able to address the moments when it's not. She can cheat on you wearing a burlap sack, so please don't go down the road of asking her to button up—that's the road, to extend an awkward metaphor, where the seams unravel. You've agreed to this trip, the trip is happening, so that's that. If, upon reflection, it leaves you feeling uneasy you can have a chat about that, one where maybe some new boundaries are gently set to avoid future discomfort.

 

I think there's a difference between cheating and acting consistently with being in a committed relationship. I don't think her behavior is on the consistent side from what I've read.

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I think there's a difference between cheating and acting consistently with being in a committed relationship. I don't think her behavior is on the consistent side from what I've read.

 

Do I agree with you? One hundred percent. I can't see myself giving my girlfriend a kiss goodbye as she goes off on an international vacation with a male friend, sharing a room nightly.

 

But that's mine (and your) definition of what being in a committed relationship looks like. If their's is different, so it goes.

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OP the focus here should be on how she treats you and your relationship. She doesn't have healthy boundaries. You shouldn't tell her this or that. She knows what she is doing is inappropriate, she just doesn't give a rat's butt. Her going on this trip with a male coworker/sharing a room is grounds for a breakup. Stop being such a push over.

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There is a balance. Generally trusting is a good thing. Telling your SO how to dress or what to think is overly controlling & not helpful.

 

However, I think one half of a couple going off to a foreign country without the other to share a room with a coworker of the opposite sex is a bridge too far. There is trust & then there is deliberately turning a blind eye to something right in front of you

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To address the compatibility situation, if you're more of a homebody, don't you want a partner more like you, who you can enjoy your time at home with, cooking together, watching movies with, etc.?

 

Instead, you're home alone regularly while she's out with a male harem.

 

I'm not saying you have to be joined at the hip, or that a woman can't have a girl's night out once in a while, but at her age and being exclusive with you after 5 years, like another poster pointed out, she should have matured and evolved as far as activities are concerned.

 

My husband and I each have hobbies we do without each other. We have group friends, same sex friends, and couples we hang out with. If he hung out regularly at a bar and did the club scene, I would've told him that the relationship wasn't working for me and I'd be moving on, even if I trusted him. That's not the type of partner I want in a longterm relationship. I did the dancing and drinking thing after my first marriage ended and it was fun to let loose for a while. But when I met my future husband, I was happy to leave that behind and value my time with him going to flea markets, fixing up our house together, and all of that domestic bliss stuff.

 

We spoke to each other when we became exclusive of what our relationship boundaries would be. Perhaps you didn't do that, but I suggest you do in your next relationship.

 

You can still do it with this relationship if you decide to stay. But if she doesn't agree, don't settle for someone who doesn't match you in this very important way. Just because she's pretty and sexy doesn't mean that's all it takes to be the perfect partner for you. Did you ever consider that you're settling?

 

And no, never tell someone what they should wear or try to control them in any way. It's wiser to pick people who you don't want to change. If you don't like how they behave, cut them loose as soon as you see the dealbreaker.

 

I bet she didn't even ask you what you thought of her going on a trip with another man. She's treating you like a doormat. That's why your friends are trying to give you advice about this woman. At least they care. She walks all over you while she enters a bedroom with another man, unafraid that you'll dump her for something most wouldn't do. Doesn't that give you a clue on how she feels about you?

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I contacted her and raised my concerns, but she said that I should just stop being so controlling. She said for 6 years she's been unsatisfied physically and that I shouldn't take that away from her. She said that if she's fully honest she actually wants something with this guy. But just physical. "I'll always be your Jenna". I just froze at this point and she said they haven't had sex like she said she wouldn't. I don't know if that means anything else happened.

 

She ended saying that she wants to feel satisfied and that it's not cheating if I understand. I said yeah I do cause I didn't know what else to say. She said don't worry it won't mean anything he's just more attractive physically not emotionally. I said as long as this is still a relationship.

 

Idk what to make of it but I think I just agreed to someone banging my girlfriend... She was honest enough to be upfront. I don't know what to make of the unsatisfied thing. It's been 6 years....

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You did just agree to let her have sex with other guys.

 

I asked before, how badly do you want to hang onto this sham of a relationship? Knowing your girlfriend of 6 years is doing all kinds of sexual things with other men? Would you marry her knowing she's naked with other men?

 

There are other women in the world, you know. Just because you spent 6 years with someone who wants other men doesn't mean you have to spend the next 40 shackled to a woman who cheats.

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You did just agree to let her have sex with other guys.

 

I asked before, how badly do you want to hang onto this sham of a relationship? Knowing your girlfriend of 6 years is doing all kinds of sexual things with other men? Would you marry her knowing she's naked with other men?

 

There are other women in the world, you know. Just because you spent 6 years with someone who wants other men doesn't mean you have to spend the next 40 shackled to a woman who cheats.

 

Yeah I do wanna marry her but not make things complicated. I still don't know what happened but I do want to hold on. I don't think she's cheating though I'm agreeing. She messaged after saying I am not deprived so I have to be faithful...

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Question: If you want to eat Italian for dinner and she wants you to eat dirt, do you eat the dirt?

 

I know it's not a fun question to read, but I get the feeling that's kind of your dynamic, that you've kind of lost track of who you are what you want inside this relationship. Hard for someone to respect you when you don't know who you are, you know?

 

Do you want an open relationship? A dynamic where she has sex with people who aren't you? If so, all good. No judgement. Though typically these things are actually talked about, between two people, not thrown at one person by the other under the guise of honesty.

 

Hate to say it, but I suspect you've been in that dynamic longer than you know. Didn't have to discuss it because the blinders were firmly fastened. Today the blinders came off for a second, so she kind of explained that to you.

 

Question is: Are you able to listen to what she's saying? Are you able to listen to yourself?

 

I feel for you. Really hard spot to be in. Five years, lots of hopes. In your shoes, I'd give yourself this moment to check in with your gut. Sounds to me like it's been screaming at you for a good long time, with reason.

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Yeah I do wanna marry her but not make things complicated. I still don't know what happened but I do want to hold on. I don't think she's cheating though I'm agreeing. She messaged after saying I am not deprived so I have to be faithful...

 

None of that makes sense. She told you she is going to have sex with other men. She then proceeds to tell you that YOU cannot have sex with other women because in her opinion you are not "deprived" (although she apparently thinks she is).

 

Where's your self esteem? Why do you think this cheating selfish woman is the best you can do?

 

And please don't trot out the old "but I LOVE her!!!!!1111" or "But we've been together SIX YEARS! I don't want it to be all for nothing!!!111" Because neither of those are reasons to stay with a cheater who cares nothing about your feelings.

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It seems difficult to take all of this seriously, honestly. If she wants an open relationship, there's no need to throw jabs about sexual deprivation or lack of needs being met. It's negative, passive aggressive and deflective of a real problem in a relationship because it speaks of a void between two people. Instead of fixing that void or repairing the relationship, she's going out to find other options. If this isn't indicative of a person who is deeply resentful, it is certainly indicative of a person who is selfish, manipulative and half cracked in the head.

 

This is not what a marriage is about. You might want to rethink your marriage ideas.

 

If it is an open relationship that's on the table and you're ok with that idea, start defining more boundaries and establishing better communication. You seem more upset about the sexual comments than the idea of her being with someone else.

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But it wouldn't be an open relationship. She told him she will be having sex with other men because she is "deprived ", but that he is NOT to have sex with other women because she has decreed he is not deprived.

 

I'm waiting for the OP to answer why he wants to continue in this one sided "relationship".

 

OP, do you support her financially?

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It's up to you -she is being direct about the arrangement she wants. For whatever reason -her reason today is "deprivation" and tomorrow it might be "because you won't watch me pleasure myself" etc for whatever reason the arrangement is she can have sex with other guys, you cannot have sex with other women.

 

I'm not here to say you should or shouldn't. You have to decide. I will say it's incredibly risky for your health given all the bodily fluids she'll be sharing outside of the relationship.

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Yeah I do wanna marry her but not make things complicated. I still don't know what happened but I do want to hold on. I don't think she's cheating though I'm agreeing. She messaged after saying I am not deprived so I have to be faithful...

 

You are being played a fool. She's having sex with this guy but you are going to marry her, let this continue & support her?

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But it wouldn't be an open relationship. She told him she will be having sex with other men because she is "deprived ", but that he is NOT to have sex with other women because she has decreed he is not deprived.

 

I'm waiting for the OP to answer why he wants to continue in this one sided "relationship".

 

OP, do you support her financially?

 

Yeah look she has a higher drive than me so in reality I don't have the same urges as her. She also said this which doesn't make sense but that most guys around us actually want her too but I don't really care about that.

 

I don't know it seems very hard to abruptly end cause all of this happened so quickly I'm still trying to make sense of it. So my reason to stay is that other than this it was good so far.

 

We both work so we both contribute.

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