How long does it take to heal

Hi. I was in a quite bad relationship for 12 years. We broke up 9 months ago. I still dream about her now, quite regularly. How long does it take to heal and is there any way I can speed up the process?

Thanks.

12 years is a long as time. I'd give it maybe 3 or 4 years at least.

Hi. I was in a quite bad relationship for 12 years. We broke up 9 months ago. I still dream about her now, quite regularly. How long does it take to heal and is there any way I can speed up the process?

Thanks.

In my experience, not a bad estimate.

12 years is a long as time. I'd give it maybe 3 or 4 years at least.

That seems kinda long. I would think that 1.5 to 2 years.

I'm in a similar situation but I was married for 29 years. Been legally divorced since January 2019 but he told me he wanted a divorce in May of last year so I've been trying to process this whole situation since then. I think it has a lot to do with how one handles a devastating situation, but know that you have to go through a grieving process, just like when a death is involved. It happened to you only 9 months ago so it's not possible to have healed in that short amount of time. That said, I have made fairly good progress. You will have good days and bad days. There are times when you'll feel like your back on square one. All normal. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions.

I have no idea how long it will take to heal but 12 years is a really long time. My guess is about 3-4 years for you. There is no quick fix, I'm afraid. Time will heal your wounds; that's the key. In my case, I don't think I will ever be the same again. But, I'm no spring chicken anymore so I don't think I will ever open my heart again in this lifetime. I will say that I am definitely happier than when I was I was in a toxic marriage. Right now, I feel mortified that he actually kicked me to the curb but, that too, will pass with time. I also had dreams about him at the beginning, or should I say, nightmares. I don't think about him very often anymore. Again, that's progress.

Hang in there as best as you could. Baby steps; one day at a time. Just remember that the only thing that will heal your broken heart is time. Let time work its magic, Knight.

I agree with what you say goddess. Its baby steps. Some days I'm fine other days horrific. I'm no spring chicken either. If this takes 4 years to get over properly that will put me mid fifties. I dont think I would let anyone in again either.

I knw I shouldn't but I feel like I've thrown away 12 years or at least 6/7 from when it turned bad.

Thanks for all your comments guys.

Continue working on yourself. There is no mathematical equation for this. It depends on the individual and the couple and the circumstances that have led them to the break down. Obviously if both or either of you have more issues to work through, it'll take more time. If the break down of the relationship wasn't mutual or one person didn't want it, it'll probably affect each of you differently. If you have existing mental health issues or other extenuating circumstances such as difficulty getting back on your feet (financially independent), that will also affect different individuals differently.

That you're asking this question suggests you're feeling a sense of hopelessness and maybe your mental health is suffering. There is totally no shame in speaking with a counsellor or therapist or taking up a hobby such as journaling that might help you sort your thoughts over an extended period of time.

You should be growing actively, not passively. Getting over someone doesn't usually miraculously happen while you're spending day in and day out on a couch moping. You'll have to will that growth and seek out methods to develop yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

I agree with what you say goddess. Its baby steps. Some days I'm fine other days horrific. I'm no spring chicken either. If this takes 4 years to get over properly that will put me mid fifties. I dont think I would let anyone in again either.

I knw I shouldn't but I feel like I've thrown away 12 years or at least 6/7 from when it turned bad.

Thanks for all your comments guys.

Don't put too much focus on that number, Knight. It may happen sooner, or ... Like Rose Mosse mentioned, "There is no mathematical equation" that one can use to predict how long it will take. But, you will get there. However long it takes, your broken heart will mend. You will be liberated from your pain/agony.

Anyway, you are still young. A man in his fifties (or even older) has a lot of options, if he wants. A female in her mid-60's? Not so much. You know what I mean? I am simply trying to be realistic. Sure, there are times that I harbour the hope that I will find someone who will sincerely love me, but I believe the chances of that happening are slim to none. A man in his 70's or more can find someone in her twenties, thirties, etc. I firmly believe you will find your soulmate.

I also feel that I've thrown away so many years. I knew there were red flags but I chose to ignore them. I stayed in that toxic relationship because I was partly afraid of him and partly because I felt sorry for him. My biggest fear was that he would take my two sons away from me when they were little. That, in of itself, would have killed me. OK, enough rambling from me.

Are you familiar with the stages of grieving? If not, check this out: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

One more thing: Please maintain NC, etc. and perhaps consider seeking therapy. Continue to write on here. I found the feedback that I got so helpful and honest. Hugs.

I don't recommend you speed the process. You just can't. Purge the hurt. It's ok to cry, we know you do. Just keep it in check in public. You cry on your own. Where I'm going with this is to purge. Purge it all, let it out, cry it out, curse it out. THAT is how you get rid of it. You need to get it out of your system, let it go. And mostly, know nothing about her. Nothing. You need to focus on you. If she has any interest in you, let her reach out to you, but for now, you must only know about you. How you feel, who you are, what you are doing. Stay off dating sites, learn to embrace your independence. You will know when it's time to get back in the game because you will have had enough of doing things on your own. Good luck, this is a hard process, let it do what it has to do to set you free. She was not the one. I know that hurts.