Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30

Thread: Are all the long term relationships doomed to sexually die?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    7

    Are all the long term relationships doomed to sexually die?

    Hi,

    I`m going through a really hard phase in my relationship of about 3 years. Or actually, I have been in two 3-4 year long relationships before this one, making this my 3rd long term relationship where I have moved in together with someone and shared my whole life with. This hard phase though is something i`m drastically familiar with, and I can`t even really call it a phase anymore. It`s something else, it`s like an universal rule in my life it seems. It seems to be that for many others too, from what I read and hear from time to time. So what is this, and does it really have to be this way every time?

    At first all of the relationships have been like fire for the first year, making me sexually very happy. Then the women I`ve lived with at that point in all the cases have just slowly started shutting down in their sex drive, while there has been no changes in mine, resulting in unbalance. I have been wanting about 1000 times more sex on daily basis than they around 2 years in the relationship, facing constant rejections which have started to slowly shatter everything.

    Since it happened the first time, I thought I tried everything I know to make things better. Nothing helped though, and this was the sole reason I ended the relationship after suffering for about 2 years in sexually too limited relationship. I did some mistakes in the way also, and tried to learn from them. However I never realized what I should had done differently.

    In my second long term relationship the big picture was quite similar, however this time I got my ass dumped after everything had broken down the same way. Lack of her sexual desire started to be a problem after about 1,5 years and since that it was one major downfall. I had tried to learn from my past mistakes though, and gave my all this time. I tried to communicate with her, I tried to reason, I tried to figure out the solutions. She didn`t communicate back, the passion she had for me just faded away killing me inside. She seemed like a loving person to me at the same time she didn`t want sex during 1,5-3 years. I blamed her, because I had told her many times before we moved in together that I`m not looking for a relationship where sex drive decreases, as I know it would not make me happy. She was sure at that point that it would last. It didn`t. I wanted her till the very end just the same way I did when we had just met, but her desire faded away.

    After the break up I got really depressed, and started to live a life of unhealthy ways, being sad every day. Nothing really mattered to me anymore for the longest time. I started dating many women at the same time, without being in a relationship with anyone. At some point I had different date for every night of the week. I tried to kill my loneliness and depression for random sex. (Cheers tinder..) I swore to myself I would never start a relationship again during this time.

    Then the unexpected happened. I met someone who penetrated all of my defences. I just fell in love instantly, I felt like she was my soulmate. This was something I had never felt earlier in my life. She seemed to feel the same way too. Just thinking about her made me forget everything that made me sad in my earlier life. It started to feel great that the 2nd relationship had actually ended, because I had met her. Before moving in with her, I really made her think about my sexual needs. I was so scared to start a life again with someone, because I didn`t trust that I could be happy in a long term relationship. I discussed it with her thoroughly, I told her my history, and asked to think about this in long run. She believed that her sex-drive would never decrease. I decided that this time, I would try not to make any mistakes. I wanted her to have everything she needs, I really gave my all just to make her happy. I did this every day up to this point. I wanted her never to be unhappy about anything, this was my goal to appreciate having her in my life. I felt like maybe this was why I had failed in my previous relationships, as I had ultimately blamed myself for losing the spark in them.
    How come.. it didn`t go the way it was supposed to. Things developed just the same way as in my previous relationships. Somewhere during 1-2 years we started having the first fights because she kept on rejecting me. She tried though, I could sense that, and I tried to be good for her just the same way I had decided.
    The downfall had been written in the stars though, as she just didn`t want sex as much as she did initially. It kept on going, and now around 3 years into our relationship it`s even worse and it was an year ago. Everytime I try to talk with her, it just ends to her saying "I don`t know why". She doesn`t know why. She never does, no matter from what angle I try to approach the subject. This issue has spread on all the places of our relationship. Yet she claims she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, like this all would not matter to her.

    Yesterday we had a big fight about this subject, and now as I`m writing this I feel unwanted, alone, sexually deprived, worthless and depressed. I have put everything I have on the line, literally everything and still my soulmate has been constantly losing her interest in sex.

    I have read a lot about this subject, and I know I`m not alone. I have also talked with some people face to face who share the situation, but it seems that everyone has just the same lowly solution: Cheat. All the people who I have talked with, who have been with their partners for years, just occasionally cheat their way out of that loneliness keeping themselves sane, because they accept the fact that the sex-drive of their partner has been lowered for good and there is nothing to do about it, as they can still seemingly love their partners while doing it. It just makes me angry, if this is the world we live in. I have never cheated my partner, even though I have been cheated on back in days (No, I don`t see dating many people at the same time cheating if you make it clear for them that you are not looking for a relationship as I did). It just makes you low af. Kind of sad people see that as a solution. To admit that it`s just human after you accept such a thing, is even sadder. I can see that for people who accept such a thing, it might be an answer to those feelings that are left unsatisfied in their lives.


    I don`t know if this thread helps me or not. I quess this is my attempt to reach out if someone else is going through the same, or if someone has lost their desire towards their partner and has insight. I just feel so damn alone here.

    Why would you be in a relationship where you don`t crave your partner sexually? Where is the happiness in that kind of relationship? Why let the spark die with someone you had the greatest spark ever with, whats the point? Am I just living in a fantasy world, trying to carve a relationship of sexual heaven?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,729
    Gender
    Male
    Moving in together is often a sex and relationship killer, especially in your case. Playing house becomes drudgery and resentment. It's not the convenient access to sex that you hope it will be and it's not the prelude to commitment your gf's hoped so of course resentment builds and passion dies.

    Next time keep the passion alive longer and don't strive to play house. Also be honest with your intentions. Don't get lazy or just hang around expecting her to be your housewife. You need to keep dating, going out, and keep the romance alive. Stay in shape and stay well groomed. It's not the time to hang out farting in sweats with razor stubble playing video games and expecting her to jump you with passion after you yell out 'hey get me another beer"..

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,781
    I think there's a big difference between losing the spark and how often the couple has sex -meaning the spark can be very much there and sex decreases because the couple realizes because of changing life circumstances that now they have to plan it more rather than the previous spontaneity. If both people show that they want each other still and want to put in the effort to plan then if the plans fall through (I'm thinking about external reasons like a child who is sick and will be up at night, an unexpected late night at work, etc) it's not something that affects the core of the relationship -you know you still want each other and both are committed to making it happen ASAP.
    So in your case is there a compromise -like you want it 4 times a week, she'd like it once, so you do it twice? She's going to want it even less if you pressure her. Also it's her responsibility if she wants this relationship to figure out the root cause. Also to figure out if even if she's not in the mood, she can get in the mood if you two start getting romantic. I know that's true for me -after a long day of real life if he can't till the evening (I'm a morning person!) I am so exhausted and need "me time" but I will choose to be intimate anyway and I also feel very comfortable that if I change my mind it's all fine -no hard feelings (I actually never have changed my mind for that reason that I can remember -but knowing he's cool with that is reassuring and lets me focus on just being with him).

    If the reason is "no more spark, it died, can't revive it' then yes I believe it's time to move on or time to redouble the efforts to revive the spark.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,702
    Gender
    Female
    If you're a person who likes sex once or twice a day, a very high sex drive, then you're going to have a hard time finding a woman to match that throughout a lifetime. It could be that your partners were willing to do this for you at the beginning, but when the newness of the relationship faded, they tired of what they would be happier doing once or twice a week.

    Besides sex, what else brings you joy? Time spent with guy friends? Hobbies? Playing a sport? Working out at a gym? If you're lacking in these things, maybe you focus too much on sex and your woman. If how much you're wanting sex is unreasonable for the average woman, you will be the one who will need to change and spend time on other activities to distract your mind from focusing on sex so much.

    If this is a pattern in your life, perhaps you should consider seeking therapy to see if you have something like: Hypersexual disorder, a pattern of behavior involving intense preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges and activities, leading to adverse consequences and clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important functions.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,692
    Gender
    Female
    Can I ask, what are you ultimately looking for in a relationship long-term? Is it just to live together or is it also things like marriage and kids? It's just that I actually think you have an unrealistic view of sex and hence why it seems to you that there are sexual issues in every relationship you have.

    In most relationships the sex is fairly passionate for the first few months or about a year probably because that's what you call the "honeymoon phase". There is a lot of lust and butterflies at the start and it's the excitement of being with a new person. I have found the same thing in my relationships too. The sex doesn't have to completely die off but I think it definitely becomes not as frequent and maybe not as "exciting", since it's not a new person.

    Also if you live with that person, I think your relationship becomes largely about your activities together and everyday domestic things. Of course sex still needs to be part of the relationship but you just have to understand and accept that it's not going to be as frequent or as lustful as at the beginning of a relationship.

    If you do want kids in future (totally fine if not), then sex will become sporadic due to having to take care of the children and having no privacy. I'm sure you know too that women have a menstrual cycle and sometimes they might have PMS and things like that which might make them not feel up for sex. I honestly think the only way you could keep up that level and frequency of sex is if you were with someone with a VERY high sex drive.

    The thing is you say the "lack of sex" was your only reason to end one of your relationships but you had the same problem in the following two relationships as well. I think you will keep running into the same issue with other women too. If you feel like your sexual needs are not being met then you could try being polyamorous where you're allowed to sleep with other women. But that would mean your partner could see other men too.

    Also keep in mind that while women off Tinder may seem like they're really keen for sex anytime, that's because they're on Tinder at that moment in time and they're looking for sex. Their level of effort and desire for sex is pretty high. Then if said women were to get into relationships with you, likely you would experience a decline in sex with all of them too. It's just reality.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    174
    Are you still affectionate and respectful towards her away from the bedroom? Are you still making an effort to turn her on or has it (in her eyes, maybe) become all about you? If a man has been treating their partner like they couldn't care less about her then expects her to want sex, well, that ain't gonna happen. Similarly, if the guy wants his partner to do everything to him in bed but doesn't even touch her, let alone fully reciprocate, it's no wonder she's going to be reluctant to get intimate. (The same would apply the other way around, of course.)

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,830
    Gender
    Female
    I'm a bit surprised at your attitude, OP. I think you're still very sad and upset about the break ups. I'm surprised also in a way that all three relationships ended due to the same reason. The constant warnings to the second and especially third partner were a little inappropriate. I don't think you needed to go to those lengths to try and get your partners to promise you that their sex drive will never "die". I agree with the other members in a lot of the ideas you can try going forward especially therapy and the way you might approach new relationships in the future.

    It seems none of these relationships either led to any commitment - marriage or some other added responsibility. Did you just move in and start camping out at someone else's house? It may be just me but that seems highly unattractive and a break up might have also meant failed expectations in many other areas (not just sex for you).

    You hadn't mentioned your financial security either or how things are going for you in terms of availability or life schedules. Financial issues will also kill relationships fairly quickly.

    Either way, speak with a therapist or someone who can guide you through your thoughts.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,961
    Gender
    Female
    At first all of the relationships have been like fire for the first year, making me sexually very happy. Then the women I`ve lived with at that point in all the cases have just slowly started shutting down in their sex drive, while there has been no changes in mine, resulting in unbalance.
    Did you slowly start to slow down on your seduction techniques as well? Maybe there has been no changes in your sex drive but there have been in your approach???? You can't sit there in front of the TV all night practically ignoring one another and then expect her to be aroused just because you're wanting it.

    One thing I will suggest is that you stop moving in with someone when you are still in the honeymoon period. Wait until that lust and infatuation has simmered down some and then see if you both are as compatible in your LOVE to keep the passion going. Which means you can't dump your own romance/seduction and expect the same results as you did when the lust and infatuation was at its peak.

  10. #9
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    suburban Detroit
    Age
    54
    Posts
    474
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Eero
    I have been wanting about 1000 times more sex on daily basis than they around 2 years in the relationship . . .
    Do you literally mean daily sex? If so, your expectations are not even close to realistic. That is simply not sustainable years into a relationship.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,726
    I think people have hit the nail on the head by suggesting you wait longer to move in together so that it stays exciting for longer.

    I think you will find that the average woman’s sex drive does decrease somewhat over time but I am wondering just how much in your case? Like did they go from every day to twice a week or was it less than once a month?

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •