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Thread: Are all the long term relationships doomed to sexually die?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Was going to say the same thing as Wise.

    That's not saying you're some kind of monster, just that you're not quite seeing women as people. And, no, I'm not saying that you see them as "objects." Perhaps "vessels" is a better word—a vessel for you to fulfill your needs, both sexual needs and the need to feel like a good man.

    The way you descried various steps you're taking, for instance. The gifts, the chores, the dates, the organizational voodoo, the doing "everything humanly possible" to "be the exact opposite of selfish"—well, if somewhere in all that the goal is lots of sex, or a nobler sense of self, than all that is selfish. It's transactional, not emotional. It's like giving a million dollars to charity not because you care about starving children, but because you want to see your name etched in marble. In that dynamic, yes, those children get food, which is good. Still, the guy who wrote the check is an a$$.

    I'm not saying you're an a$$. At all. I'm saying connecting with people is different. You're working through something, reckoning with something, and it sounds tough. That work is laudable. It's also just beginning. When the reward isn't connected to sex—either getting it more or wanting it less—you'll have turned a corner. You will have become just a bit smaller so you can see people from more angles: as their own unique vessel, rather than a vessel for your unique urges. And they may find you sexier for it.

    Your response to me was interesting. I tried, best I could, to offer a non-binary view, a big picture view of romance as something that includes sex without being built around sex. Your response was to get binary again: romantic connection is good, sexual connection is bad. That's a narrow scope. It's like me telling you that my diet is good because I eat a salad twice a week, while the "issue" is the 12 hamburgers. If my arteries are clogged and my gut is expanding, something is wrong with my diet, salads be damned.

    I think just about everyone on the planet, who has the means, should give therapy a go. People get yearly physicals when they are basically 100 percent healthy. It's maintenance. It's not only about tumors and broken bones. And sometimes those physicals let you see the thing that may have become a tumor, or broken bone, before it gets out of hand.

    In other words, going to therapy does not have to mean taking on the shame-inducing self-conception of you as "sick." It is just you getting to know yourself better, so you can connect better: to yourself and others. When we become less mysterious to ourselves we become less obsessed with ourselves, our tics. The "I" becomes a "we," in a way that is more organic than a check-list of actions to shed the cocoon of selfish thinking in favor of selfishness.

    Sex is very important to me too, my friend. I do it a lot, always have. I turn 40 in two weeks and nothing has changed in that department since I was 20. It's just not the thing in the bullseye, but one of many things. That's kind of where I'm trying to nudge you a bit, to make other things genuinely part of the bullseye. That may be a touch more challenging for you than for others, since your urges do sound pretty potent. Still, I believe it's doable. I believe the best part of maturing is not learning to remove things from the bullseye but to learn that more things can fit inside it, if that makes any sense.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's all about you. No wonder they lose interest. You're using them like a medication.
    Man, I have absolutely no idea what makes you say that.

    Thatwasthen asked if I masturbate, and the section you quoted was an answer to that question. It was a fun fact about how much I need sex, nothing more. It had absolutely nothing to do with my partner.

    Honestly that was a bit shocking. I love her, she is not a medication for me of any sort.

    If you believe you know what this is all about, please tell me why they lose interest in me?

  3. #23
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Just curious, your problem is purely quantity of sex, not quality?

    It's late where I am so I have not read through this thread in detail, but on a quick glance... I think you have sex addiction.

    Not that I think the expectation of sex once every other day is unreasonable for a healthy young man (oh god I really hope it is not going to drop significantly lower than that before my mid 40s at least! ) but you seem to have sex on your mind a lot more than the average guy. Like masturbating 3 times a day?! With porn? (if so I'm surprised you still find real women exciting)

    But yeah to echo what others have said, love and relationships isn't just about sex, maybe you know that and it's just not coming across because you are writing about your sex-centric problem, but you are coming across rather entitled, self-centered and shallow, and if that is the case, then perhaps some self-reflection and honest reassessment will provide you the answers you are looking for.

  4. #24
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    bluecastle: Thanks for your input again.

    I have to say, I`m even more shocked to gain your perspective here than getting that comment from wiseman. I`m not seeing women as people? That`s just not true, not at all.

    I`m not buying the gifts and treating her well only to get sex. I do it to be a good man for her. Of course, I have expectations also and sex is a major one of them but they are not linked together to how I treat her. I would never want to have sex with her unless she wants it also. I don`t want that kind of sex from her. I just know she used to want me a lot more than atm. I have never treated her poorly because she didn`t want sex with me, never. It`s hard for me to believe I have to write this, but again I`m here to learn so if I seem like that kind of a person then we can talk about that also;

    I have 0 friends, literally 0 as I mentioned earlier. I don`t care about people that much, atleast not their company. I don`t get along with people very well after being with them for over a short time.. I only need my partner with me in life, as my best and only friend. Other than that I go out alone rather than someone who I have to forcibly chat all night long. Many psychological tests I have done claim that I have an antisocial personality disorder, not the most extreme but anyways. This can make me seem like "binary-minded", because maybe I don`t know how to say better what I want to say or something like that, who knows. I`m intrigued though if you were able to spot something like that from my writing. That however does not make me a bad husband, cold-minded or anything like that. I guarantee you that she has only good things to say about my respect and behaviour towards her, and would consider our relationship warm and loving. As I wrote earlier, I`m treating her with the best possible way I can think of, every day regardless of sex. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It`s only unfortunate that the sex issue spreads to other areas of our relationship also, but yet I have never treated her as any less "people" than I would want myself to be treated.

    About that "bullseye", I´m trying to do it all the time but am struggling. As I wrote in my previous long post in the thread I have tried many times to want less sex, but I keep failing. I would quess that the reason why I fail is that I really don`t want that to happen as I`d rather have more sex in reality. I would love to gain the ability to control my bullseye though.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Just curious, your problem is purely quantity of sex, not quality?

    It's late where I am so I have not read through this thread in detail, but on a quick glance... I think you have sex addiction.

    Not that I think the expectation of sex once every other day is unreasonable for a healthy young man (oh god I really hope it is not going to drop significantly lower than that before my mid 40s at least! ) but you seem to have sex on your mind a lot more than the average guy. Like masturbating 3 times a day?! With porn? (if so I'm surprised you still find real women exciting)

    But yeah to echo what others have said, love and relationships isn't just about sex, maybe you know that and it's just not coming across because you are writing about your sex-centric problem, but you are coming across rather entitled, self-centered and shallow, and if that is the case, then perhaps some self-reflection and honest reassessment will provide you the answers you are looking for.
    I`m happy with the quality of our sex, it´s always good and actually she gets off also with very high % of the times. This might be because I never try to pressure her if she does not want it, I rather try to make her want it. Of course because of this issue I sometimes accidentally put pressure to her, but I apologize if I realize what happened.

    Yeah I have to watch porn 3 times a day.. but to be honest that makes me depressed. I would watch my woman every time rather than porn to get off. I cant get off with my imagination, tried it back in days and it was impossible to get turned on..

    This thread sure makes me to do some thinking about myself, because I keep reading this stuff about myself that makes me shocked. For example to you I sounded self centered and shallow. That`s not what I want to be as a person or to be perceived as one. However if that`s really me, it´s atleast good to know so I can improve in those areas of my life.

  7. #26
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Eero

    Yeah I have to watch porn 3 times a day.. but to be honest that makes me depressed. I would watch my woman every time rather than porn to get off. I cant get off with my imagination, tried it back in days and it was impossible to get turned on..

    This thread sure makes me to do some thinking about myself, because I keep reading this stuff about myself that makes me shocked. For example to you I sounded self centered and shallow. That`s not what I want to be as a person or to be perceived as one. However if that`s really me, it´s atleast good to know so I can improve in those areas of my life.
    Yeah porn 3 times a day and this seeming fixation on sex (it has dominated your relationship problems) does strike me as symptoms of sex addiction. I mean we are all wired a little differently, but this is surely excessive?

    Please don't take those more challenging questions or assertions personally... some members of this forum can seem combative and difficult, I am a noobie and I can be a bit blunt too, but for the most part, people that challenge questioners with unpleasant or difficult assertions or questions are doing it to deconstruct issues down to the basic levels, sharpen the picture and get closer to the truth, because a lot of the time, only when you are armed with the facts, can you properly come up with solutions to your problems. We are not always right of course, but the regulars at least are not being mean spirited, trolling or malicious.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems everyone is just a means to and end?
    Originally Posted by Eero
    I have 0 friends, literally 0 as I mentioned earlier. I don`t care about people that much, atleast not their company. I don`t get along with people very well after being with them for over a short time..

    Many psychological tests I have done claim that I have an antisocial personality disorder, not the most extreme but anyways.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I don`t get along with people very well after being with them for over a short time.. I only need my partner with me in life, as my best and only friend.
    Eerooooo... that's so much pressure to put on another person!

    For the record I do not think you are cold or shallow. In fact, the sense I get are that you have some deep and troubled waters that you have never really explored.

    And for the other record? There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a high sex drive, or wanting to please your partner in the bedroom, or watching porn.

    The problem I see with your situation is not the fact that you like and want lots of sex... it's that it reminds me of addiction. For example... perhaps there is someone that has a drink (or more) every day. Doesn't seem like a big deal does it? And maybe it isn't.. but if they are feeling empty and hopeless without it, or going to extreme lengths to get it, then perhaps it's something they might want to take a look at. In all of your posts, your desire for sex screams with desperation and longing... not to connect with your partner, but to have that void filled with physical intimacy.

    The other thing I want to add is that for women, sex goes waaaay beyond the bedroom. For a woman to want sex and feel chemistry she needs to feel emotionally connected which means she feels safe, trust, empathy, compassion, love, caring, valued, accepted, appreciated... the list goes on. Pleasing her in the bedroom is really only part of the overall picture. Focusing only on one aspect... the sex... completely misses all of the other opportunities to create intimacy and build a solid foundation.

    The fact that you have no other friends indicates that perhaps you don't know how to have relationships... that you don't know how to build intimacy or connection... that you find no satisfaction in learning about another human being beyond the physical... and unfortunately this does doom you to never having a long term relationship because the majority of the human population needs that connection with their tribe.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    For the record I do not think you are cold or shallow. In fact, the sense I get are that you have some deep and troubled waters that you have never really explored.
    Excellent post by maew, and earmarking the above because I totally agree. Apologies if my tone came off as abrasive.

    When I've said you're not a caveman, not a monster, not an a$$—that's what I'm saying, or trying to say, in my colloquial way. You're a person, with some turbulent sectors that you haven't quite figured out how to live with. When we've got that stuff—and I'm speaking form experience here, not the pulpit—it is very, very hard to fully "see" other people. Friends. Women. Wives. Husbands. The dude behind the counter and the old lady at the bus stop. They are always a little too blurry because we are too blurry, to ourselves. And without meaning to we "use" them to fill voids we don't quite understand.

    I'm not going to repeat everything maew said, save to say yes, yes, and yes. Friendships, I think, are pretty integral in teaching us intimacy. In ways romantic partnership is the pretty simple, very magical equation of deep friendship plus sex. There are numerous other variables, of course, but that's a pretty solid baseline. Without a forged sense of intimacy on a platonic plane, sex will invariably have disproportionate weight on the romantic plane.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I do masturbate, on average 2-3 times a day. Sometimes 1 if my day is very busy. Even though I would do it 3 times a day, I still get super excited if I can have sex with my woman in the evening because doing it with myself just doesn`t give me the same fulfillment,
    I fear a sex addiction here. Of course I'm no psychologist or medical professional but your need seems obsessive.
    If I would not masturbate atleast once a day, I would not be able to sleep well.
    An addiction manifests itself in this way. When I smoked, I NEEDED to have one several times a day and couldn't sleep if I didn't have one last thing at night before bed.

    I hope you figure something out with the help of a therapist and the willingness to compromise.

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