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Thread: Are all the long term relationships doomed to sexually die?

  1. #11
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    Thank you all for your answers, I`m glad you took time to give them.

    Wiseman: I do atleast 50% of our household chores. I treat her well, and our relationship is well balanced other than sex. I`m actually the one who gets up from sofa to get her something to drink most often. I`m also doing my best to consider her moods.

    Batya: I have made a compromise concerning sex; I wanted to have sex every day, but I have accepted the fact that it is not possible for her so I don`t expect it. Every 2nd day is my expectation.

    Andrina: I have come across that fear during these years; I can`t find a woman with the same sex drive as myself, atleast not in the long run. I`m willing to compromise, but not give up on the feeling that I`m actually sexually wanted in my relationship. I don`t think I need therapy, since I think enjoying sex on my level is not unhealthy, even though it might be more than most people fancy. I`m also willing to compromise to every 2nd day and not even talk about sex every 2nd day. I believe that`s not unreasonable. What you wrote about me spending to much time focusing on my woman is spot on. I have thought about this often. I`m a very antisocial person (even though I work with people a lot in my job), but on my spare time I have no friends. I go to gym, walks, pubs, etc, but other than that I`m mostly around home.

    Tinydance: I look for a best friend, humour, romance, sex, comfort, trust and someone to share my life with in a relationship. I`m actually not into having kids, and this is also something I have told everyone I have lived with before moving in. So far this has not caused any issues in any of my relationships, actually the women I´ve been with have shared the opinion which is actually quite surprising when you think about it, but this is completely another topic in fact. I have considered suggesting an polyamororous relationship to my partner, but haven`t actually done it. It would sure be intriguing, but every time I think about this I find it uncomfortable because I really really love her. I don`t want to have sex with other women, and certainly don`t want her doing it with other men. It would just feel wrong. However, this life-long issue of mine also feels wrong which is why this is an intriguing option at least but not reality or something I would do at this moment..

    Poorlittlefish: Yes! I have done everything I humanly can to make sex fun for her. I take care of her needs every single time we have sex, no matter how long it takes. She gets off most of the times, and is not afraid to tell me when if she can`t get off that specific time. I`d say around 85% of times she gets off also just like me. I also try to ask her often if she would want anything special, and that I`m willing to do basically anything she wants. I`m really serious about what I told about trying my best with her, and yes I treat her with respect. I never want her to think that I would not consider her needs in any areas of our life, including sex.

    Rose Mosse: The reason I gave my partners "warnings" before moving in with me, is that I wanted to be straight forward and honest about my concerns. If they had known themselves a bit better, they could had been able to think twice before making the decision. I didn`t actually want it to be a warning, I just wanted to be sure I`m making a big decision with a right person since sex means a lot to me. If they had told me that they are not that sure, I would had waited before moving in to see. I believe an honest communication is essential in good relationships. I really don`t understand your point of view here, since I`d rather hear my partners expectations just the same way before moving in. I have also made compromises in my sex needs. I don`t expect to have sex every day because it clearly is not what my partner wants, every 2nd on normal basis is my expectation because of this. Actually in my first long term relationship I moved in my partners apartment, because I was still a student back in days and lived in a student apartment. In my 2nd relationship I basically provided everything for my partner, since I had a good paying job and she didn´t. In this relationship I`m in now, I still have the same job but my partner also has a job, so I really don`t need to provide her.

    Thatwasthen: This is certainly something to think more of. I hope my seduction techniques are still the same, but this is hard to mirror in my head. I will give this more thought. Also yes if this relationship should fail I will definitely wait until the 1,5 years mark before moving in with someone.. If I would ever do it again. Right now I believe I won`t waste my time in relationships ever again if this one fails. I`m ready to do what ever it takes to hold on to her. She is an amazing woman, and I just want to stay with her.

    Waffle: Yes, that`s what I would desire. However I have made a compromise of every 2nd day, because every day is cleary too much for my partner. Actually if I could have it exactly the way I desire, I would have sex atleast once in a day, sometimes even more. I believe once in a day could be sustainable if us both would want it.

    maew: Yeah, definitely should not had moved in with these women sooner than 1,5 years into the relationship because that has been the point where I have had issues in every relationship.. I think my current partner wants sex once in a week, atleast thats the way I perceive it. I take care of my own needs with myself also ofc, but it`s just not the same and doesn`t give me fulfillment.. If I`m without intimacy with her for 4 days I begin to be really torn apart by my desires towards her.



    What surprised me a bit, is that most of you thought that it`s just inevitable and should clearly be accepted, that the sex drive of a woman decreases in a long term relationship to this extent I`m experiencing and I`m the one needing therapy for expecting something else. I mean, don`t women enjoy sex even though I would be willing to do anything in bed to make them have fun? Am I really this lost here..?

    Why would anyone want to commit into such a relationship, that is doomed to leave you just wanting and wanting and wanting because you still crave her after all the years, while she has just stopped because that is supposed to be normal? :( If I would believe this will be the case in every relationship I go through in life, I would stop them for good right now. I love my woman deeply, and I just want back the same version of her who was as crazy for me as I`m still for her. I remember that woman crystal clear, and it`s just so different not that it`s breaking me apart..

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Enjoy dating, I think. You sound a bit young if you've just finished college a few years ago. Enjoy your youth. My only parting words would be to focus on the bigger picture and emphasize more connection (emotional and spiritual) with your partner. I'd also caution the over-emphasis on sex. It can get very repetitive and stale/boring over time. Keep it real, keep it big picture and have your heart in the right place.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-08-2019 at 02:55 AM.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Enjoy dating, I think. You sound a bit young if you've just finished college a few years ago. Enjoy your youth. My only parting words would be to focus on the bigger picture and emphasize more connection (emotional and spiritual) with your partner. I'd also caution the over-emphasis on sex. It can get very repetitive and stale/boring over time. Keep it real, keep it big picture and have your heart in the right place.
    I didn`t finish college a few years ago.. As I said I lived in student apartment during my first long relationship, and all 3 have been 3-4 years and there has also been time between them.. I`m not young anymore. You are right about emphasizing in connection also, we have a good connection in my opinion other than this issue. It`s very sad if my partner sees our sex boring / stale, I hope that`s not the case since she could have it any way she wishes and she knows it. Thanks for your time, keeping it real.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hey Eero,

    I'm glad you took the time out to reply to each poster, it helped to round out your position.

    To be honest, if you want to find a fufilling, long-term relationship, you may want to reconsider attending some therapy. Not because your sex-drive is 'bad' or 'wrong', but because it causes the eventual break-down of all your relationships. The real issue is not the frequency of sex, its the fact that not having sex any time you want it causes you anxiety. You feel rejected, unwanted, undesired. It's also concerning that you identify your desire for sex as a 'craving', which builds and builds the longer you go without it. It consumes you to a point where you cannot continue maintaining a connection with your partners, who you love, without it.

    Trust me, I do relate. I have a higher sex-drive than my partner. We have had our discussions about it. In the end, her not wanting to have sex on any given occasion is rarely about me. I have learnt that just because I want sex, doesn't mean I need it. I do not get depressed, or anxious, or resentful. The majority of times, I just do something else with her - watch a movie, hang out. And I thoroughly enjoy it, more than I would sex, because she is enjoying it and wants to do that with me. Of course, if I am really horny, I take care of things myself when I can. As a result, our sex life is very satisfying, and in fact my ability to handle this has actually made her more comfortable and led to her being more interested in sex. When we do have sex, it's great.

    I guess what I am saying is, you have to decide if this is really the hill to die on. Are you so sure that your are truly healthy and comfortable with your feelings around sex and relationships and that if you cannot find someone who feels the same, you are better off having only short term relationships. Or do you want to be proactive, do some self-reflection, and see if you can make it just a bit easier on yourself.

    Best of luck,

    T

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're the common denominator in this. No, it's not normal for them to check out like this.
    Originally Posted by Eero
    It`s very sad if my partner sees our sex boring / stale.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just as when people are considering divorce, if nothing major like cheating or physical abuse has happened, I always recommend marital counseling before throwing in the towel, I will give similar advice to you, except that you try individual therapy before ending it with a woman you care about.

    A professional who specializes in sex therapy will be able to give you insight on why you feel the way you feel. It could be just that you have a very high libido, or it could be that you have a psychological issues that should be delved into. Here are some statistics I found:

    The survey's results reveal that just 4 percent of respondents said they were having sex each and every day. And when it comes to the remaining 96 percent of Americans, 14 percent of respondents said they hit the sheets a few times a week—and another 14 percent clocked in at a few times each month.

    It's hard enough for any guy to find a woman who matches him in all the major ways, but to also find one of the 4 percent, in one's local area, who would want sex daily would seem to be an insurmountable task.

    Instead of asking a woman to meet your needs of every other day, which isn't working out for you, look to therapy as a way to either rule out that it's your problem, or to confirm that maybe therapy will benefit you. Here is an excerpt from an article you might find helpful:

    Some indications that you may be struggling with compulsive sexual behavior include:

    You have recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, urges and behaviors that take up a lot of your time and feel as if they're beyond your control.

    You feel driven to do certain sexual behaviors, feel a release of the tension afterward, but also feel guilt or remorse.

    You've tried unsuccessfully to reduce or control your sexual fantasies, urges or behavior.
    You use compulsive sexual behavior as an escape from other problems, such as loneliness, depression, anxiety or stress.

    You continue to engage in sexual behaviors that have serious consequences, such as the potential for getting or giving someone else a sexually transmitted infection, the loss of important relationships, trouble at work, financial strain, or legal problems.

    You have trouble establishing and maintaining healthy and stable relationships.


    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ^^^^ Good post, Andrina! Hopefully the Op will start to look at himself as well rather than just his sex partner(s).

    Thatwasthen: This is certainly something to think more of. I hope my seduction techniques are still the same, but this is hard to mirror in my head. I will give this more thought. Also yes if this relationship should fail I will definitely wait until the 1,5 years mark before moving in with someone.. If I would ever do it again. Right now I believe I won`t waste my time in relationships ever again if this one fails. I`m ready to do what ever it takes to hold on to her. She is an amazing woman, and I just want to stay with her.
    Then you both would benefit (as Andrina has suggested) to get yourselves into sex therapy so that you can reach a happy and healthy compromise.

    Do you masturbate? If you don't then perhaps trying that may help you to navigate 'dry' days when your partner isn't vexed to get bizzy. (??)

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Interesting thread.

    Before getting to you I'll start with a somewhat different answer to your main question. In short: no, I don't believe sexual "death" is the inevitable plateau of a longterm relationship. Part of that is pure faith, as I've never been in a relationship longer than 3 years. (I'm about to turn 40, for reference.) But in those relationships? With the exception of my first serious relationship, when I was the one who pulled away sexually, I've never found there to be a lag, in either the quality of the heat or the frequency in cultivating it. If anything, it just gets better in year two and three.

    In one case, yeah, that's because we built lots of heat through some unhealthy swordplay that was our eventual unraveling, but in another because we were just connecting, all the time, on all sorts of planes: emotional, intellectual, spiritual. Our sex life—very fertile and in line with your hopes—was kind of an extension of those other connections. Though that relationship ended—another story—it was a real awakening to a certain state of being, both within myself and alongside another.

    I've also known a number of very frisky married couples over the years, ranging from a friend's parents that I met in my 20s who were goofily, impressionably vocal about their undiminished carnality, to a married couple I know who vowed, before getting married, to have sex every day or most days. I think they've been together a decade, and remain rabbit-like. A kid or two. I'm not really close with them, but have always admired their energy, earmarked it as a version of something I'd like for myself. Probably not without all the vows—I'm not turned on by rules and systems—but a general spirit, a window into what is possible, a guidepost in my journey.

    On to you:

    What I can't help but hear coming from you is a somewhat limited idea of what fuels a romantic connection—namely, that sex is really the only coal that fires the engine. You're not a caveman, I know. You're using all the language of being woke, and I have no doubt you're a good dude with all the right intentions and genuine desires, seeking laughter, respect, trust, enriching companionship, and so on. Still, I'm not sure you're really valuing all that on the same level as you value sex, when it comes to connecting with women, building a connection with a woman, which are really just extensions of how richly you connect with yourself.

    When Rose says "you sound a bit young," which is a thought that crossed my mind, it might be that that's coming through: a bit of the sex-centric approach that's pretty common in one's teens and early 20s, and stereotypically "male" according to the laws of society, but eventually starts to show its limitations in time. Ironically, those limitations often reveal themselves by relationships that grow sexually stale. Many people stay in those relationships, calling it "adulthood." Others skip about from hot plate to hot plate, and are called "juvenile" by the sexless adults. I don't subscribe to either of those as being the only paths.

    Speaking for myself with the hopes of helping you think about yourself, I found that I kind of stopped caring about sex as I got into my 30s. This was liberating. By which I don't mean I could take it or leave it—hardly. I like it, need it, do it a lot. But it's maybe a bit more like booze? I've never been a heavy drinker, but I've always enjoyed drinking. Yet holding a six pack of beer made me feel like a god when I was 18, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find six packs. Walking into a bar and ordering a whiskey felt so thrillingly illicit in my 20s that it didn't matter if the bar smelled like urine and served burgers that tasted like dirt.

    I still like beer and whiskey, and my intake probably hasn't changed much in time, but as a grown up who has legal access to all that they are just one part of living rather than something to live for, if that makes sense. Curious side effect of that mentality? I enjoy beer and whiskey more today than I did when I was younger.

    Sex is similar. It's a thing adults do, a thing that I, as an adult, do. It's fun and interesting. But, like booze, not so fun or interesting in a vacuum. I'd never date, let alone get serious, with someone I wasn't ravenous about—but neither would I date or get serious with someone simply because they made me ravenous. That wasn't the case when I was younger, still coming into myself and leaning (too) heavily on others as guides.

    But, alas, those limitations—they're like the universe tapping you on the shoulder and demanding you come into yourself a bit more. Today I need more to be turned on, in both the carnal and cosmic sense, just like when I go grocery shopping I need more than a good bottle of wine to be excited about the evening ahead. I need some salmon, a bushel of kale, a bar of dark chocolate, maybe a fancy candle if they're by the register—and each of those things informs and heightens the taste and smell of the other, along with the wine.

    Maybe I'm being too abstract. But, like Rose said, if you can learn to focus also on the emotional and spiritual connections (the salmon and the kale) you may find that the sexual connection (the wine) isn't so dominant, and flows more freely because it's not so dominant. Getting to that place requires a bit of self-work and discipline, which in ways are harder, if more rewarding, things to do than learning to compromise and calling that being a grownup.

    I think I came into myself intellectually in my late teens and early 20s—got that piston firing. Sexually I kind of "found myself" in my late 20s—another piston. The emotional and spiritual work came a bit later—and therapy helped with this, so I would consider it—which added another, neglected piston to get the engine humming. With all those firing—and, of course, always being maintained by the mechanic of my head and heart—my romantic connections evolved. Not because I learned to "give up" sex, but because I learned how it was connected to the full spectrum.

    Sure, in any relationships there are ebbs and flows—not only in sex, but also in how you're connecting intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. But when all of that is genuinely valued equally you're less thrown when one piston sputters for a bit because the others provide momentum. And that momentum, rather than arduous mental gymnastics of the sort you're doing, generally restores balance and full function to the whole engine.

    Anyhow, hope that helps. I like the way you think. Can't help but think you'd find therapy a blast.

  10. #19
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    Waywardkiwi: What you wrote is true, sex causes breakdowns of my relationships, and the craving grows and piles up to cause disturbance in other areas of my relationships as well. I have actually tried, I mean really tried, to find peace with having less sex during this relationship because there is so much good in us other than sex, but I have failed many times. I have just become grumpy and bitter during those attempts, failing to truly find the peace. Maybe it has been because that my objective during those attempts has not been what I truly want, and forcing myself to want something else just didn`t work out.

    Andrina: Thank you. I`m not about the throw in the towel, I don`t know if my original post sounded like that. In the survey you referred to, it would be nice to know the target group of people interviewed. (Their age, whether they were in a relationship or not etc). However maybe those numbers wouldn`t change much anyways.

    I`m getting so much recommendations on this topic to try therapy, that I`m starting to consider trying it out. That of course would require me perceiving this whole thing as an issue of mine instead my partner, or maybe it would just be nice to discuss these things with someone face to face.

    I have been trying to look into the mirror along my life because of this issue. I have been trying to grow to a man who meets the needs of his woman, before anything else, in order to even have expectations. If I couldn`t succeed in that, I would have no rights to expect anything. I`m trying to be the exact opposite of selfish, every day. The issue is that I have done anything humanly possible; I buy gifts, I take her to dates, I do household chores a lot, I organize surprises.. the list goes on, I try to make her life easier every single step I can while avoiding the "doormat" zone.


    Thatwasthen: As I answered to Andrina above, I`m trying my best to think what I could do differently. I have for years. It just seems that I can`t reach the point where I want to be in my sexual life, not even close, no matter how much I think about my partner. I don`t want to accept the fact that my sexual life would never be what I wish it to be. It would end me being a bitter old man some day. I want to be happy about my life. I`m considering therapy because I have been advised to do so in this thread. At the moment I see no reason for it, but I trust you guys enough to consider it for a test just because of your recommendation. About going to a couples sex therapy.. Still have to think about it, I don`t know if she would be comfortable with it and maybe going by myself would be better, if I choose to go.

    I do masturbate, on average 2-3 times a day. Sometimes 1 if my day is very busy. Even though I would do it 3 times a day, I still get super excited if I can have sex with my woman in the evening because doing it with myself just doesn`t give me the same fulfillment, and I continuously desire her. If I would not masturbate atleast once a day, I would not be able to sleep well. It`s quite funny, sometimes if I have been so busy that I forgot about it completely and try to sleep, I get this strong feeling of something missing and really can`t sleep without getting off first, then I do and instantly fall to sleep afterwards.


    bluecastle: Thank you for taking time to write your reply. I wasn´t actually describing our romantic connection in the thread, because I can`t find any real issues in it besides maybe that sometimes it feels like she doesn`t watch me directly in my eyes as long as she used to, and our kisses feel shorter.

    I value every aspect of our relationship, and there is way more than sex. Sex is just the issue here. I know that a relationship without deeper connection would not be able to sustain good sex for years. Of course it is also possible that the decreased sex drive is an issue caused by another issue I`m not aware of. That is one of the things that I`m seeking to know.

    About my age, I`m 32. You wrote: "When Rose says "you sound a bit young," which is a thought that crossed my mind, it might be that that's coming through: a bit of the sex-centric approach that's pretty common in one's teens and early 20s, and stereotypically "male" according to the laws of society, but eventually starts to show its limitations in time. Ironically, those limitations often reveal themselves by relationships that grow sexually stale."
    Sex is very important in my life, and actually I think I just have grown to want more sex than what I wanted in my 20s. I don`t see why I should develop other way around, since in my opinion I can keep up the same rate till the very end of me. My approach to this issue is sex-centric because I don`t know any other ways of approaching it.

    I appreciate your abstract thinking.


    --------

    I have been trying to give her some space for the past days. Nothing has really changed so far, nor gone worse.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's all about you. No wonder they lose interest. You're using them like a medication.
    Originally Posted by Eero
    I get this strong feeling of something missing and really can`t sleep without getting off first, then I do and instantly fall to sleep afterwards.

    I don`t see why I should develop other way around, since in my opinion I can keep up the same rate till the very end of me. My approach to this issue is sex-centric because I don`t know any other ways of approaching it.

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