How do I have a relationship with my child when he doesn’t even know I’m his dad

Before anyone starts to get angry I understand my affair was wrong but I can’t say it was a mistake. Our marriage has been dead for years. I’m married 15 years to a 20 plus stone overweight . Her weight doesn’t matter it’s the fact we have no connection anymore we don’t get along and we have no sex life and she won’t do anything about it I have tried to help endless times but she does not listen to me. Around 5 years ago my cousin introduced me to his now wife . At the time I was completely blown away with her beauty and still to this day I don’t understand how my cousin ever got her. She’s 12 years younger than me , petite body brunette and I have always been attracted to her. But I never ever once did anything . Me and my own wife were having problems. We lost respect for eachother and both spoke to eachother terribly rather than fix these issues I began to distance myself and grow a bond towards this other woman and it happened unexpectedly. I didn’t ever imagine I’d be in this situation. I did try to work on my marriage and when nothing was right I lost interest. I take full responsibility for my actions and understand what I was risking.

We are all close net we drink together go to each others houses we see eachother at least every weekend. We would all take sun holidays together and I used to be lost for words seeing her in a swimsuit. I felt nervous around her and sometimes tongue tied. Last summer her car broke down so I pulled over it was there we clicked . It was our first time being really alone together. We just had normal conversation I felt good after seeing her . I gave her my number and asked her if she ever needed anything again to call me. As the weekends past I made a move to see if there was anything as I always felt she flirted with me and I always flirted back it wasn’t anything serious it was usually a joke flirt remark she would always wink . A wink would send me to overdrive. That night they came to our home . I was tipsy and had a guilty excitement-inside me . I poured her a glass of a wine and told her she looked beautiful in her black dress she smiled and was jokingly asked me what am I after and I replied you , she raised her brow took her glass and walked away laughing but holding eye contact . I did no more until I text her that night and told her I was attracted she replied and said I’m attracted to you too.

The next weekend at her home I joined her for a smoke outside I told her how I felt for a second she held back then she told me that she does too but it’s complicated we have kids and explained her husband can get violent when angry , I was aware he had an incredible temper aand I told her I know but I’m just letting you know my feelings .

That night we went outside again and she dropped something we both went to get it butted heads laughed and then there was a moment where we just looked at eachother so I kissed her and she kissed me back it lasted 30 seconds because we knew how risky it was but I didn’t want to stop. She pulled away. I asked her to meet me she replies where I said I don’t know but somewhere alone I need to talk to you. Mid week we met up meeting up wasn’t hard her husband was always away during the week as was I . While her kids were away I’d call. Sex didn’t matter it wasn’t what I wanted I wanted her I had so for years. We held an emotional affair for 2 months. When we met we kissed there was so much tension built from the week of waiting whenever we met I just wanted to hold her touch kiss her. We never did anything other than that, it was all text calls and meeting up in the square of time we had until I had planned to take her away. With work I fly away now and again . This time I lied to my wife when really I booked a night away for just us out of town. She left her children with her parents told her husband she was going on a night out .

That night we met up. It was then we had sex for the first time. It was passionate incredible I never felt such strong emotion and connection with someone during sex before it felt almost like a dream. She knew exactly how to please me and I tried the same for her. I never made love like it before . The weeks would pass and I would count the days until I’d see her. I loved her. I told her I did. We opened up a lot to eachother and I knew the relationship she had with my cousin was hard as I saw first hand him be physical to her to a time where I told him go easy on her and the argument got heated .

Our affair was special she was special we talked about how we would go forward how we would handle things eventually it was going to take time . Until she cut me off. She began to act strange . When we met at weekend she would curl up when I touched her. Until she told me she can’t do this anymore. For weeks I was irritable I was so angry . I came so many times close to telling my wife of our affair. But I told myself what was the point she used me. It wasn’t until we called to there home and my cousin told me that she was pregnant that I nearly collapsed. I replied with I thought you were done having kids he replied I did too and laughed it was then that it clicked that the baby could be mine. When we first locked eyes I could tell she was hurting she was guilty looking at me. I decided to ask how many weeks and when I made the weeks up I could tell very easily that it was around the time we booked a night away. She walked out and when I finally got her alone I asked her how she’s feeling her eyes welled up and goes I’m sorry. I said for what she said cutting you off but I had to . I asked her was it mine she said she’s not sure but more than likely could be. I could feel my heart drop because I knew deep down I wasn’t going to have access. I told her I’m here and held her hand. My wife walked out and gave me a weird look and I quickly covered up saying that she’s emotional .

As the weeks progressed I called more often to her bringing her favorite foods magazines massages just caring for her I knew her husband wouldn’t . Our affair had stopped but I was there for her as I knew this baby could be mine. Just to feel her growing belly would make my heart beat fast to see her from a distance at family occasions carrying her little belly around made me feel so incredibly in love with her. I only wished I could tell the world it could be mine. She could be mine. When the nine months came and the baby was born she told me a time to call to see them . We got a paternity test and the child was indeed mine. Only me and her know this and it’s killing me inside. When I got the results I lost it she pleaded with me to not tell or she was going to be dead. Since then I have called weekly on my own to see the child hold him only wishing he knew who I was . I tried to discuss what can we do and she won’t give me an answer. She’s afraid of her husband . She knows he will take her kids if she tells him and all I want to do is be the man she deserves.

We have passionately kissed on four meetups at her place. I have told her that I want to be with her I’ve told her we can start a life if she just gives me the go head. She wants to but she says she knows if she does her husband will take their kids. She said if she didn’t have kids with him she would have left as soon as . I’ve asked her is the affair over are we done and she says no she’s in love with me her feelings for me are crazy but she doesn’t want me to wait around for her because for now she only dreams of leaving but knows she can’t right now . I look at my son every time angry at the fact I can’t tell the world he is mine . She knows I’m hurting and she knows what I want. I feel I’m getting more and more frustrated by the day. I understand the fact I have I wife in all this but I can promise that my wife has no interest in me. When I’m gone she doesn’t even ask me when I’ll be back .I can’t live my whole life looking on at my child not know who I am . Please help me.

Regarding your wife why don't you just leave her? You both don't want to be with each other and loathe each other so why do you continue? Honestly the fact that this baby boy is your son will come out sooner or later. I think your cousin will be able to tell it's not his child. A parent just knows. And if he starts to suspect he could easily do a paternity test too. How can his wife keep this from him and lie that it's his son. That is just not right. I think you do deserve rights to this child, you are the father. I think you need to persuade your lover to tell your cousin and you need to do a court appeal for rights to this child.

Look if she's not going to leave her "violent" husband then you NEED to back out of her life and leave them alone so that they can raise that child as their own.

If she will leave her husband then you can leave your wife (which you should anyway because you have no respect for her whatsoever) and the two of you can raise the baby as your own.

Get yourself into therapy so you can figure out, with the help of a therapist why you are too afraid of leaving your unhappy, loveless marriage to the point you have caused this MESS for you and this other woman.

You both are reprehensible in your actions and lack of safe sex and protection against pregnancy. Do something to get yourself better rather than seek out information on how you can be in this childs life. Time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions by getting yourself in a healthy state of mind with professional help.

File for visitation/custody and child support with the courts. You have a paternity test as proof. That would solve everyone's problems. Your wife will divorce you, her husband will kick her out, you will see and care for your child and you two can live happily ever after. Just do the right thing. Pay for your child. You do not need her consent to do the right thing, you have a paternity test.

Good luck with the "live happily ever after" part. Especially when she refuses to leave the husband. I have to presume Wiseman was being facetious.

Nice thing to do to your cousin, btw.

If this is a real situation, I'm sorry to hear about it. I definitely second getting help and therapy to work through your fears and possibly see a financial planner and a lawyer.

Leave your wife.