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Thread: Was I Unfair to my Rebound....

  1. #1
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    Was I Unfair to my Rebound....

    Hello all...I appreciate your feedback …..

    After being devastated by the end of my long term relationship in January, March rolled around and feeling bored with being sad all of the time, I thought I would register for online dating, more as a distraction than anything. I knew I was not ready, but looking through the pictures of possible dates gave me something to do and kept my mind off of my misery.

    I saw a guy with similar interests and after several back and forth texts, we agreed to meet up. We had a nice lunch, but inside I felt sad and wondered what I was doing. After the date, he began texting me nonstop - everyday, all day, calling me to tell me how "fabulous" I was, how there was so much chemistry, etc. Little did he know that after our date, I went home and cried - compared him to my former boyfriend, which I knew was wrong and was not sure if I wanted to see him again. I told him the daily texts were too much, that I wanted to take it slow and could we just get to know each other. He was disappointed, but we saw each other a few times after that. Gradually, the texting backed off to times when he would say he'd call, and he wouldn't or he would not respond to my text until the next morning.

    He would still bowl me over with how much he adored me, yet he would not ask me for a date. Just calls and now, less texting. This went on for a month or so and finally, I asked why weren't we going on any other dates. His response was that he "planned' to ask me, but just hadn't had a chance to do so, and besides - he is so busy with his children, grandchildren, etc. A few more promises to call me and failure to follow through and I just told him let's call it a day and ended things. I had been recently burned and just did not know what was going on with him. I did not hear from him again.

    Three months passed and I began to feel better about my long-term break up and though that perhaps I had acted hastily, so I contacted this guy again; I asked if he'd like to meet up for dinner and he was so excited to hear from me. I enjoyed spending time with him and began to think about possibilities. The daily texts and phone calls started again, the promises of all of the things we would do started, how he wanted to "make me his wife"!!but again - no plans!! I live about 1/2 hour from him which he knew, going in. He came up one time on a Saturday and we went for lunch. We had a great time but since then - he just couldn't find time; now his excuse was the weather!! It's really hot and he doesn't have air conditioning in his car, can't seem to find the funds to fix it, has to go to a funeral..etc...So when I pushed back and mentioned the excuses, I asked if he wanted to just date casually, he firmly told me no; he wants to be my "boyfriend".

    I became frustrated and told him he was not showing boyfriend behavior. I was told we have something good between us, I am not being fair; I should be more understanding, etc; The sporadic communication began to make me feel very anxious (will he? won't he?) I was on edge all the time and I had headaches and couldn't figure out why. I talked to him about it and he would assure me nothing was going on; he was not involved with anyone, but sometimes with the distance, it was just hard for him to get here.

    A few days ago we were having the usual conversation about the lack of his availability and I suggested why don't I come to his house - we could then go out from there and he told me he wasn't ready for me to visit!! When I asked why, there was a vague reason....repairs, etc...he was going to call me back later that evening and I did not hear from him.

    Needless to say, 3 days later, (and given my last experience of being ghosted after being with someone for 4 years), I called him to ask if his lack of calling meant goodbye. He was very short; said he had planned to call me to talk about things. Now he had always told me to call him any time whether he was working or not, yet on this day he told me he was at work and could not talk. A few hours later, I sent him a text and wished him well, but told him that I preferred to spend time with someone in my life who is available and breaking dates and being stood up just did not sit well with me. I guess I am just weird or something. I noticed that he read the text almost immediately and I got no response.

    It's been 2 days and I don't know why I feel so sad. We were never physically intimate; no sex - just kissed. I imagine that had we been intimate, I'd feel a lot worse. I guess his lack of response has me wondering if I was unfair or if I acted too hastily? Maybe I just overthink things and perhaps my previous break up has me misjudging every guy? My former boyfriend made dates in advance, called when he said he would, I didn't doubt where I stood (until the end); But this guy had me on pins and needles and I just don't know if this is a sign that I just wasn't ready or just wasn't fair to him.

    Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent! All responses are welome!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When someone has you on pins and needles, it's a sign of a toxic mess.

    The whole bombarding you with all those calls and texts early on was actually a huge red flag and a clue for you to run away. That's not flattering, that's unhealthy behavior. His reaction to you asking to slow down....if you really look at it....was vindictive, manipulative, and punishing. So now here you are.....all confused, anxious, chasing after him, etc.

    Girl.....delete his number and run for the nearest exit. You weren't ready to date, that's fine. What this guy is....is the kind of a guy you stay far far away from and perhaps if you had been in a good place and ready to date, you would have seen that yourself immediately. Regardless, drop him, delete and block him and stay single for awhile. Recover and give yourself time to do so. When you date while vulnerable, you'll attract the wrong kind of people to you and that can lead to bad things for you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the confusion.

    That said, you seem to already know the source of it: you actively dated, or quasi-dated, while self-identifying as someone not ready to date. Go into it with that mindset and you'll get some version of this every time, reinforcing and expanding the very pain you're hoping to treat.

    I ride a motorcycle, for instance, because it is something I love to do, a way I feel connected to myself and the world. Still, every time before I turn the key I check in with myself and ask if I'm ready, because I know that if I ride with a head full of doubts and fears I'm liable to get hurt. There are plenty of other ways I might get hurt on there, of course, but that's at least one I can control.

    Dating really isn't that different.

    Sounds like you, in your fragile state, connected with someone else in a fragile state—someone who, in this case, saw your own fragility and raised the ante tenfold or so. He was super gung-ho on fast tracking everything into 4eva-ville, which is generally a sign of someone who is unstable and looking to fill some kind of void you want nothing to do with; you, meanwhile, were kind of fast-tracking it into communication-ville, which, being frank, is also generally a sign of someone with some wires to untangle, some feelings to process.

    Different sides to the same coin. You each were using the other as tools to work out something you hadn't worked out on your own. You were both, in ways, using the other as screens (mainly on screens) to replay scenes from past romances with hopes of getting a different movie. Doesn't work that way. Just makes for a pretty crumby movie, with bad acting, awful special effects, and glitches in the sound. You emerge from the theater having no idea what you just watched.

    Anyhow, no big deal at the end of the day. Lesson learned. Chalk it up as life telling you to get a little sturdier on your own rather than to lean on strangers to sturdy yourself. Once you're a bit sturdier, you'll see this all through a smaller magnifying lens: a bad match, not a verdict or referendum or anything to spend more than a few minutes thinking about.

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    This is why you don’t start dating after a breakup, your head isn’t in a good place. I waited two years after my divorce to even start thinking about dating again.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    next time be more honest...."Sorry I'm not ready for a relationship at this time...I thought I was, but I am still healing." Not "lets take it slow."

    best cure to shake off a relationship is to get all dressed up and go out dancing with the girlies til the sun comes up.

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    Yeah, as a guy who just got dropped out of a rebound that moved too fast for her - he's blowing way past our speed... he's talking about you as a wife but you two never even had sex or much physical even... and you haven't even seen his house? Seems... odd.

    Also, it sounds like he's aloof and distant compared to how he was earlier and is either burning hot or freezing cold about you depending on the day/feeling/wind/flip of a coin?

    I'd say he has some stuff to work out - not you. Also, you didn't act hastily; if I was stood up multiple times by a suddenly aloof person who previously was "adoring" of me - it would be over unless they apologized and we had a long talk.

    Your time is as valuable as his is and if he wanted a relationship in earnest he should have known that you don't stand your girlfriend (who you 'plan to make your wife') up. Like, relation-shipping 101... good grief, guy.

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    He sounds he has a partner or wife.

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    That was my feeling...but I have no proof. Only his sketchy behavior, which led me to think that I might have been unfair to him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you ever feel an urge to nag someone into seeing you, you're barking up the wrong tree.

    Skip that. Set your bar high enough to screen out anyone who isn't 'all in' with you, and who demo's behaviors that back that up. Otherwise, whatever they might 'say' is just a bunch of noise and a waste of your time.


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