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Thread: Advice to keep Pen Pal with a girlfriend in the mix

  1. #1
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    Advice to keep Pen Pal with a girlfriend in the mix

    Hello,

    Iíve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half starting since 2018 and things are all good. Ive been traveling for work for the past two years all over the US with a show and we did well for long distance while I traveled that second year on my tour. Now Iím overseas in England and Europe for the next three months and Iím feeling some type of way.


    I have had a female pen pal from Germany/Europe that I met back in 2014-2015 and we sorta dated back then(light kissing, no sex, kinda innocent back then). Weíve on and off kept contact -keeping a positive rapport. As I arrived in Europe I reached out to her to say hello as I always said back then that itíd be great to see her in Germany/Europe when I finally get there, and she said sheíll try to plan a trip to come visit. Now... Iíd love to hang out and see her to catch up, though Iím always bad at expressing to people in these types of situations that Iím in a relationship because Iím not the best at awkward talks like this.

    As the reader what do yíall think would be the best course to move forward? Iíd feel bad making her take a decent flight or bus to come see me to potentially be let down in an expectation towards a romantic encounter. If I was a single man it wouldíve been nice but I want to stay true to my partner, and as this is my first real relationship Iím learning how to be a good SO. Texting this stuff is terrible for me, maybe a FaceTime call and a casual mention... I donít know... I love seeing friends and family I know when Iím in the road - though Iím nervous if intentions are unclear...


    P.S Iíve mentioned this pen pal to my girlfriend a while back when we spoke about past experiences and sheís not the jealous type, so having another female as a pen pal didnít bother her. I just havenít mentioned that I could potentially see her out here in Europe yet because I donít know if itís a definite a the moment. If the meetup was confirmed and I told her it was just as friends she wouldnít be upset, she trusts me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's always "just a friend", isn't it?
    Originally Posted by IamGroot

    I have had a female pen pal from Germany/Europe that I met back in 2014-2015 and we sorta dated back then(light kissing, no sex, kinda innocent back then). I told her it was just as friends she wouldnít be upset, she trusts me.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This is not appropriate. Clarify you're in a committed relationship and you are not interested in her in a romantic way. You're not much of a pen pal or any kind of pal misleading anyone like that. I wouldn't abuse the trust that your girlfriend has in you either. She sounds young and naive.

  4. #4
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    Oh please -awkward to tell someone you are in a relationship? It's simple "I'd love to hang out when I'm in your city - I promised my girlfriend I'd bring back ____ for her from ___ by the way -any idea where I can find that?" No need for a talk -reference your girlfriend in some way in natural conversation. I'm sure she'll understand.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh please -awkward to tell someone you are in a relationship? It's simple "I'd love to hang out when I'm in your city - I promised my girlfriend I'd bring back ____ for her from ___ by the way -any idea where I can find that?" No need for a talk -reference your girlfriend in some way in natural conversation. I'm sure she'll understand.
    ^This. Awkward my rear end. It's only awkward when you don't want to share that info because deep down you are wanting a fling. Knock it off. Tell your "friend" about your gf and better yet, learn to keep boundaries better. Someone you had romantic encounters with isn't really a friend. Stop lying to everyone around you including yourself. If you want to be single, then be single. If you want to keep your relationship, then don't hide the fact that you are in a relationship from anyone, ever and don't invite a past fling to come see you the moment you are out of the country and out of your gf's sight. In short, don't be that sleazy guy who keeps stringing along plan a, b, and c.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    It seems as if you're trying to justify your intentions, which you know are wrong. Keep in mind that we don't cheat by chance, we cheat by choice.

    Choose wisely...

  8. #7
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    You said you told your girlfriend about your "pen pal". Did you tell her that you dated her, kissed her, etc.? Or did that conveniently get omitted? Why would she be jealous, if this girl was really just a friend?

    And why put the onus on her, re: jealousy, rather than yourself, re: inappropriate contact.

    Agree with the others. This is inappropriate, and you know it.

    You tell your girlfriend the truth about who this is. That you kissed, you dated, and that you've never told this "penpal" about your girlfriend. Then come back and tell us how it is.

  9. #8
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    She isn't a pen pal. She is a love interest.
    If you had been corresponding since second grade, then she is a penpal, but she is not that,
    She has no place in your relationship.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Do the slow fade on your penpal...which most people do anyways when they start a new relationship. Time to start a new chapter.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you're in an exclusive relationship, your friendships with other women need to change if that friendship is crossing boundaries. You and the German lady share chemistry and you used to make out. That means you don't hang out alone together. You don't communicate regularly, and when you do, there should be no flirting. And some people believe there should be zero communication with an ex fling, if exclusive with someone else.

    My definition of pen pals are people who like to find out about someone from another culture, how they live differently in another country, and it's platonic.

    You calling her a pen pal is trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes, including your gf. When you spoke to the German lady, you conveniently left out the fact you had a gf. You like that little spark of excitement which you feel would be doused if you mention that you have a gf, because of your past with her. And you feel awkward mentioning to her that you have a gf because you feel she still has a thing for you, even more proof what you're doing is wrong.

    If you let your gf read what you've posted here, do you really think she'd be okay with a woman you once made out with paying for a flight to meet up with you in Europe? You say your gf trusts you? Only a doormat with zero self esteem would say she's okay with this arrangement.

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