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Thread: Step-Son Lost In System, Tried Everything, Have to Accept Behaviors?!

  1. #1
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    Step-Son Lost In System, Tried Everything, Have to Accept Behaviors?!

    Iíve posted about this before - itís a never ending battle and honestly the system just sucks so be very very grateful for your children not displaying these behaviors itís stress, frustration and helplessness you canít afford to have esp if you have other kids - was never like this early on as youngster 4yrs old just very active ... however red flags did occur here and there but he would visit school psychologist and usually things would be ok

    Official Diagnosis is ADHD , ADD and Impulsively however I think there is some undocumented ED as well and maybe personality issues but at 12 maybe to young yet to diagnose that ...

    1. We Have tried all the medications, either zombie and no food intake occur or the opposite happen and he is a full blown maniac either way itís not good for him as a child and doesnít help ...

    2. Tried all kinds of counseling and the play in the sand stuff never worked ...He is smart enough to speak to a counselor about how he feels however it never makes any sense to what his behaviors are so he just says what he thinks you want to hear and itís an endless cycle of no where - the physician and psychologist etc all agree though he has a part of the brain that never connected with the right and wrong ...Brain scans done showing hyperactivity but nothing else ...Have tried after school, camps, karate , mentors etc ...

    3. Has been in 4-5 schools one of which was an outdoor life school and thatís been the most positive bc he doesnít have to sit and do ďworkĒ and when he is asked even currently why he chooses (sometimes I think it really is him choosing not to do things bc thatís how he gets out of everything) to have a good day he says bc it was easy at school no work ..currently he is in a special class in another new school (we moved to another state) and in a big middle school he hasnít been able to adjust to HW and has a reading level of a 3rd grader , has a hard time keeping friends, and usually says inappropriate things to girls (we have tried to keep all adult things on tv etc away from him for fear of absorbing that to bring to school etc), will sleep in class when not wanting to do work or go under desk, break headphones bc he bored etc

    4. Always at trouble at home never makes good decisions, always throw tantrums and slams things etc when asked to do anything that he doesnít want to do - now here is the scary part he literally forgets what he does 5-10 mins after he has a blowout and acts like nothing happened, when asked he stares at you with a blank stare ...no professional has been able to figure that out and thatís one of the hardest part of the disability he has no responsibility or remorse or memory

    5. Mother stressed out to max since weíve exhausted all resources and father is no help (has ADHD in family genetics and is a former alcoholic and drug addict)

    6. Doesnít listen to authority unless itís really enforced will do 5 problems out of 10 on a super modifier HW assignment and than run out of the house on bike to play for 2 hrs when comes back in no clue he didnít finish hw didnít read , minor chores etc ...hygiene lacks if we donít stay ontop wears same clothes, never brushes teeth unless we stay on top, room always a mess again no life responsibilities not even a concern for himself ...lies constantly and makes up stories to get negative attention

    7. Family doesnít understand when they visit and often will argue he is bad influence on other kids bc of his weird actions : comments etc

    8. Weird tendency with animals he is very good with them but over bears on them to the point of hovering over them , kissing inside around there mouths or letting them lick him on the mouth for 5 mins straight or kissing on or around there tails (we have dogs) ...

    9. Doesnít like to eat even off medication , snacks or makes weird concoctions of spice cabinet drinks in middle of night , has slept walked a few yrs back and even peed in toy boxes or closet once or twice before

    10. If everything is taken away including tv while in room he will fall asleep instantly (maybe brain is always going and exhausts him)

    11. Smart enough to manipulate babysitters - the rule is no going outside and he will get babysitter to take him outside and play in the construction dirt zone area on his bike... He said parents let him do this all the time was the answer we got ...

    Again itís not about me making the jump in this knowing he had behaviors etc as Iíve known my wife almost my whole life however this is hard and she would agree and there is little help and very rare solutions to something like this as I stress we have tried a lot short of hospitalization but that wonít do anything - I think he needs a go away program , structure that he canít escape my 2c maybe others can chime in - this is one of the those life things that you can only hope works out at the end but really stress relationships and life across the board and is probably why a good amount of people get divorced it really does split you down the middle as to how to handle this everyday all day ...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're pulling the reins way too tight. Make some allowances for his condition as well as just being a kid. You expect way too much. Step away from this. You are NOT the father.

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    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    How much of his life has this child been medicated for?

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    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You're pulling the reins way too tight. Make some allowances for his condition as well as just being a kid. You expect way too much. Step away from this. You are NOT the father.
    Your right and I am working on that however Father does nothing matter of fact when he goes there he treats him like he is 3 and rules go to the birds ...he comes back worse off than he starts and needs to be back on a routine which takes at least a month

    Only been on meds for maybe 3 yrs than we took him off after realizing was making him worse , more sensitive , angry , screaming etc ... better of meds more normal his normal

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Certainly, you can read reviews of longterm rehab programs, where the child attends a treatment facility for 3 or 4 months if you can afford it. This reminds me of cases I've seen on Dr. Phil. You might want to send this letter to him if you're willing to go on his show. It'd probably be worth it to possibly get a stay in one of those facilities for free, and help for you and your wife to know how best to handle his behavior. Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Certainly, you can read reviews of longterm rehab programs, where the child attends a treatment facility for 3 or 4 months if you can afford it. This reminds me of cases I've seen on Dr. Phil. You might want to send this letter to him if you're willing to go on his show. It'd probably be worth it to possibly get a stay in one of those facilities for free, and help for you and your wife to know how best to handle his behavior. Good luck.
    Great idea!

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    You know I feel like I could give input but I don't feel equipped enough but I did want to chime in just to be supportive, I know vicariously how it can be so complicated, so stressful, a maze. I'm so sorry.

    I do agree with Andrina - I mean, why not? I'm a Dr. Phil fan myself.

    I do have a relative who finally did well in a sort of group home he started going to at about age 12. He is now 30 and transitioned into various other group homes where he seems to be doing well. They are religious-based (his religion) and paid for by the state and maybe private funding?? The mom especially dealt with nightmarish behavior prior to that decision, many schools and had 3 other children. So in that indirect way I can relate and lend my empathy. I wish you all the best.

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    is there any chance he could have fetal alcohol syndrome or something like that? I agree, a residential system may be the only option here. Also please keep him away from pets. He will get bitten when a pet has had enough and the pet will be blamed. If dad doesn't care, i agree, you need to do something before the kid is in juvie for doing something, hurts a pet (or a pet bites and is taken away), or hurts another child. I would look up "oppositional defience disorder" Are you sure he is not autistic as well (the lack of wanting to change clothes, etc).

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    is there any chance he could have fetal alcohol syndrome or something like that? I agree, a residential system may be the only option here. Also please keep him away from pets. He will get bitten when a pet has had enough and the pet will be blamed. If dad doesn't care, i agree, you need to do something before the kid is in juvie for doing something, hurts a pet (or a pet bites and is taken away), or hurts another child. I would look up "oppositional defience disorder" Are you sure he is not autistic as well (the lack of wanting to change clothes, etc).
    It is your primary duty to help your wife to not live in fear or extreme stress and to protect the younger kids. And you need to be more firm with babysitters. I encourage you and your wife together seek out trainings and workshops usually recommended to potential foster parents on trauma, oppositional defiance disorders and attachment issues - some sound similar to your son's behavior. Maybe it will give you something new in your toolbox and can separate out what can be dealt with better and what may potentially be something that cannot be mitigated. Or maybe tools that will help you teach him better choices - much easier to do for a child with more typical behavior

    Maybe a therapist will make a recommedation that visits with his father must be shorter or supervised until dad understands he is hurting him by letting him run rampant during his visits.

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    OK, granted I don't actually work with children and have no children myself (yet), but I've been working in the disability and mental health field for seven years. I have worked with people with a wide variety of conditions and what I've noticed is for an individual with certain conditions to be in recovery, they need to be treated with a very "person-centred" approach. In fact in my field of work it's all about the person centered.

    So basically my advice would be not to treat this child (teenager?) as just your average child and to set up a full lifestyle for him that caters to his conditions. For example, if he enjoyed and was more successful at the special outdoor education school, then he needs to continue attending a similar school. It's very clear that the average school structure is not suited to him and he feels frustrated there.

    Here in Australia the government also provides a student aide for free at school for children that qualify. So that means there is a specially trained student aide assisting either that child one-on-one or more than one child in the classroom. The aide knows how to work with children with special conditions and can help them learn in the way suited to them. I would encourage you to look into something like this also.

    I suggest you continue to get psychiatric support for him because he may have even been misdiagnosed or not diagnosed with the proper conditions he has. However regarding the memory, I briefly dated a guy with severe ADHD and have a close friend with rare inattentive form of ADHD. They actually had very bad memory and even to the point where they'd just told you something and then would act shocked and be like: "Wait, how do you know this??" Not remembering it was them that had literally just told me the information! So yes quite possibly the ADHD could be causing the memory deficits.

    My advice would be to focus on his strengths as best as you can and allow him to develop those skills. That's what I do in my disability work. If a person has disabilities and struggles with something immensely e.g. school and keeps getting told off about it, that can cause a lot of frustration due to being made to feel hopeless. But if the person is allowed to pursue something they are actually good at, that can help with the behaviour. You mentioned he is good with *some* things. What is he better at? Can you try to give him tasks he actually enjoys?

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