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Step-Son Lost In System, Tried Everything, Have to Accept Behaviors?!


MrAdversity

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I’ve posted about this before - it’s a never ending battle and honestly the system just sucks so be very very grateful for your children not displaying these behaviors it’s stress, frustration and helplessness you can’t afford to have esp if you have other kids - was never like this early on as youngster 4yrs old just very active ... however red flags did occur here and there but he would visit school psychologist and usually things would be ok

 

Official Diagnosis is ADHD , ADD and Impulsively however I think there is some undocumented ED as well and maybe personality issues but at 12 maybe to young yet to diagnose that ...

 

1. We Have tried all the medications, either zombie and no food intake occur or the opposite happen and he is a full blown maniac either way it’s not good for him as a child and doesn’t help ...

 

2. Tried all kinds of counseling and the play in the sand stuff never worked ...He is smart enough to speak to a counselor about how he feels however it never makes any sense to what his behaviors are so he just says what he thinks you want to hear and it’s an endless cycle of no where - the physician and psychologist etc all agree though he has a part of the brain that never connected with the right and wrong ...Brain scans done showing hyperactivity but nothing else ...Have tried after school, camps, karate , mentors etc ...

 

3. Has been in 4-5 schools one of which was an outdoor life school and that’s been the most positive bc he doesn’t have to sit and do “work” and when he is asked even currently why he chooses (sometimes I think it really is him choosing not to do things bc that’s how he gets out of everything) to have a good day he says bc it was easy at school no work ..currently he is in a special class in another new school (we moved to another state) and in a big middle school he hasn’t been able to adjust to HW and has a reading level of a 3rd grader , has a hard time keeping friends, and usually says inappropriate things to girls (we have tried to keep all adult things on tv etc away from him for fear of absorbing that to bring to school etc), will sleep in class when not wanting to do work or go under desk, break headphones bc he bored etc

 

4. Always at trouble at home never makes good decisions, always throw tantrums and slams things etc when asked to do anything that he doesn’t want to do - now here is the scary part he literally forgets what he does 5-10 mins after he has a blowout and acts like nothing happened, when asked he stares at you with a blank stare ...no professional has been able to figure that out and that’s one of the hardest part of the disability he has no responsibility or remorse or memory

 

5. Mother stressed out to max since we’ve exhausted all resources and father is no help (has ADHD in family genetics and is a former alcoholic and drug addict)

 

6. Doesn’t listen to authority unless it’s really enforced will do 5 problems out of 10 on a super modifier HW assignment and than run out of the house on bike to play for 2 hrs when comes back in no clue he didn’t finish hw didn’t read , minor chores etc ...hygiene lacks if we don’t stay ontop wears same clothes, never brushes teeth unless we stay on top, room always a mess again no life responsibilities not even a concern for himself ...lies constantly and makes up stories to get negative attention

 

7. Family doesn’t understand when they visit and often will argue he is bad influence on other kids bc of his weird actions : comments etc

 

8. Weird tendency with animals he is very good with them but over bears on them to the point of hovering over them , kissing inside around there mouths or letting them lick him on the mouth for 5 mins straight or kissing on or around there tails (we have dogs) ...

 

9. Doesn’t like to eat even off medication , snacks or makes weird concoctions of spice cabinet drinks in middle of night , has slept walked a few yrs back and even peed in toy boxes or closet once or twice before

 

10. If everything is taken away including tv while in room he will fall asleep instantly (maybe brain is always going and exhausts him)

 

11. Smart enough to manipulate babysitters - the rule is no going outside and he will get babysitter to take him outside and play in the construction dirt zone area on his bike... He said parents let him do this all the time was the answer we got ...

 

Again it’s not about me making the jump in this knowing he had behaviors etc as I’ve known my wife almost my whole life however this is hard and she would agree and there is little help and very rare solutions to something like this as I stress we have tried a lot short of hospitalization but that won’t do anything - I think he needs a go away program , structure that he can’t escape my 2c maybe others can chime in - this is one of the those life things that you can only hope works out at the end but really stress relationships and life across the board and is probably why a good amount of people get divorced it really does split you down the middle as to how to handle this everyday all day ...

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You're pulling the reins way too tight. Make some allowances for his condition as well as just being a kid. You expect way too much. Step away from this. You are NOT the father.

 

Your right and I am working on that however Father does nothing matter of fact when he goes there he treats him like he is 3 and rules go to the birds ...he comes back worse off than he starts and needs to be back on a routine which takes at least a month

 

Only been on meds for maybe 3 yrs than we took him off after realizing was making him worse , more sensitive , angry , screaming etc ... better of meds more normal his normal

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Certainly, you can read reviews of longterm rehab programs, where the child attends a treatment facility for 3 or 4 months if you can afford it. This reminds me of cases I've seen on Dr. Phil. You might want to send this letter to him if you're willing to go on his show. It'd probably be worth it to possibly get a stay in one of those facilities for free, and help for you and your wife to know how best to handle his behavior. Good luck.

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Certainly, you can read reviews of longterm rehab programs, where the child attends a treatment facility for 3 or 4 months if you can afford it. This reminds me of cases I've seen on Dr. Phil. You might want to send this letter to him if you're willing to go on his show. It'd probably be worth it to possibly get a stay in one of those facilities for free, and help for you and your wife to know how best to handle his behavior. Good luck.

Great idea!

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You know I feel like I could give input but I don't feel equipped enough but I did want to chime in just to be supportive, I know vicariously how it can be so complicated, so stressful, a maze. I'm so sorry.

 

I do agree with Andrina - I mean, why not? I'm a Dr. Phil fan myself.

 

I do have a relative who finally did well in a sort of group home he started going to at about age 12. He is now 30 and transitioned into various other group homes where he seems to be doing well. They are religious-based (his religion) and paid for by the state and maybe private funding?? The mom especially dealt with nightmarish behavior prior to that decision, many schools and had 3 other children. So in that indirect way I can relate and lend my empathy. I wish you all the best.

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is there any chance he could have fetal alcohol syndrome or something like that? I agree, a residential system may be the only option here. Also please keep him away from pets. He will get bitten when a pet has had enough and the pet will be blamed. If dad doesn't care, i agree, you need to do something before the kid is in juvie for doing something, hurts a pet (or a pet bites and is taken away), or hurts another child. I would look up "oppositional defience disorder" Are you sure he is not autistic as well (the lack of wanting to change clothes, etc).

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is there any chance he could have fetal alcohol syndrome or something like that? I agree, a residential system may be the only option here. Also please keep him away from pets. He will get bitten when a pet has had enough and the pet will be blamed. If dad doesn't care, i agree, you need to do something before the kid is in juvie for doing something, hurts a pet (or a pet bites and is taken away), or hurts another child. I would look up "oppositional defience disorder" Are you sure he is not autistic as well (the lack of wanting to change clothes, etc).

 

It is your primary duty to help your wife to not live in fear or extreme stress and to protect the younger kids. And you need to be more firm with babysitters. I encourage you and your wife together seek out trainings and workshops usually recommended to potential foster parents on trauma, oppositional defiance disorders and attachment issues - some sound similar to your son's behavior. Maybe it will give you something new in your toolbox and can separate out what can be dealt with better and what may potentially be something that cannot be mitigated. Or maybe tools that will help you teach him better choices - much easier to do for a child with more typical behavior

 

Maybe a therapist will make a recommedation that visits with his father must be shorter or supervised until dad understands he is hurting him by letting him run rampant during his visits.

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OK, granted I don't actually work with children and have no children myself (yet), but I've been working in the disability and mental health field for seven years. I have worked with people with a wide variety of conditions and what I've noticed is for an individual with certain conditions to be in recovery, they need to be treated with a very "person-centred" approach. In fact in my field of work it's all about the person centered.

 

So basically my advice would be not to treat this child (teenager?) as just your average child and to set up a full lifestyle for him that caters to his conditions. For example, if he enjoyed and was more successful at the special outdoor education school, then he needs to continue attending a similar school. It's very clear that the average school structure is not suited to him and he feels frustrated there.

 

Here in Australia the government also provides a student aide for free at school for children that qualify. So that means there is a specially trained student aide assisting either that child one-on-one or more than one child in the classroom. The aide knows how to work with children with special conditions and can help them learn in the way suited to them. I would encourage you to look into something like this also.

 

I suggest you continue to get psychiatric support for him because he may have even been misdiagnosed or not diagnosed with the proper conditions he has. However regarding the memory, I briefly dated a guy with severe ADHD and have a close friend with rare inattentive form of ADHD. They actually had very bad memory and even to the point where they'd just told you something and then would act shocked and be like: "Wait, how do you know this??" Not remembering it was them that had literally just told me the information! So yes quite possibly the ADHD could be causing the memory deficits.

 

My advice would be to focus on his strengths as best as you can and allow him to develop those skills. That's what I do in my disability work. If a person has disabilities and struggles with something immensely e.g. school and keeps getting told off about it, that can cause a lot of frustration due to being made to feel hopeless. But if the person is allowed to pursue something they are actually good at, that can help with the behaviour. You mentioned he is good with *some* things. What is he better at? Can you try to give him tasks he actually enjoys?

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OK, granted I don't actually work with children and have no children myself (yet), but I've been working in the disability and mental health field for seven years. I have worked with people with a wide variety of conditions and what I've noticed is for an individual with certain conditions to be in recovery, they need to be treated with a very "person-centred" approach. In fact in my field of work it's all about the person centered.

 

So basically my advice would be not to treat this child (teenager?) as just your average child and to set up a full lifestyle for him that caters to his conditions. For example, if he enjoyed and was more successful at the special outdoor education school, then he needs to continue attending a similar school. It's very clear that the average school structure is not suited to him and he feels frustrated there.

 

Here in Australia the government also provides a student aide for free at school for children that qualify. So that means there is a specially trained student aide assisting either that child one-on-one or more than one child in the classroom. The aide knows how to work with children with special conditions and can help them learn in the way suited to them. I would encourage you to look into something like this also.

 

I suggest you continue to get psychiatric support for him because he may have even been misdiagnosed or not diagnosed with the proper conditions he has. However regarding the memory, I briefly dated a guy with severe ADHD and have a close friend with rare inattentive form of ADHD. They actually had very bad memory and even to the point where they'd just told you something and then would act shocked and be like: "Wait, how do you know this??" Not remembering it was them that had literally just told me the information! So yes quite possibly the ADHD could be causing the memory deficits.

 

My advice would be to focus on his strengths as best as you can and allow him to develop those skills. That's what I do in my disability work. If a person has disabilities and struggles with something immensely e.g. school and keeps getting told off about it, that can cause a lot of frustration due to being made to feel hopeless. But if the person is allowed to pursue something they are actually good at, that can help with the behaviour. You mentioned he is good with *some* things. What is he better at? Can you try to give him tasks he actually enjoys?

 

Thank you for the responses to all who have written in,

 

There is no one solution here as many mentioned, and a lot of time and energy and at times frustration has come out of the last few years with him, even helplessness and fear - The idea is to have a healthy and active home life for our children however day after day our child has issues and can be from the most random thing or the way someone just says something to him that just ruins an entire day / night …. His frustration levels are through the roof which triggers his anger issues which trigger his lack of ability to self adjust to emotions, lack of respect towards anyone etc etc etc and than there is the 5-10 min rule afterwards like it never happened … Not trying to repeat self but I believe your right he needs something to pursue that he is good at and unfortunately we haven't found that one thing yet because he is so severely defeated inside that he usually wont even try new things and when we do try things that magically work for a few like going outside to play basketball or a trampoline park for get some energy out he always finds a way to get frustrated and angry or claims he is bored.

 

Unfortunately for this school they don't have an outdoor life like school here that we know of and the school he is in is handling all his behaviors but they are literally tailoring to his disabilities by cutting his work load now in half from his already light load. My fear is he will never know how to cope in life when everyone is basically saying you don't have to do this or that , talking to him like a baby for fear of breakdown, and treating him like he can just get out of everything when he doesn't want to do anything - life is not like that and yes I know we are talking about a kid with issues but at what point do you say he is he needs to become more indep and help himself ? We started looking into programs on farms for troubled and behavioral children where they stay there for an extended amount of time we are worried the other kids are becoming to aware of his issues don't want it to reflect , we are trying to tap into any resources to help him and I think he needs a program where its very strict routine, and he cant just stomp his feet and get out of whatever someone asks of him,

 

Obviously it goes beyond all this but everyone reading this I want you to ask yourself what would you do - you've tried the system of help and resources (all professionals) seen what schools are willing to help and what aren't and pawn off to another school, seen what kind of nightmare medication creates, and watch a young kid literally self destruct on the smallest things only to reemerge 5 mins later not knowing anything even happened … Punishments don't do anything, taking away things, nothing, rewards nothing, everyday he is a new personality not remembering the previous , very active needs simulation to be engaged, again if your the parent what would you do ? All this while tending to other children, husband/wife, animals and home , and father has no role never did but to further ruin him with lack of any parenting skills ...Could you walk on egg shells with him everyday, and watch his every move and make sure he is safe and functioning on all levels all the time all day everyday ? Makes you question parenting and why this stuff occurs, environmental , genetics, etc …

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