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Thread: For the gurus

  1. #1
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    For the gurus

    Partner of 4 years, broke up (officially once before) and now recently broken up again (my dumb mistake this time) and want her back in my life for good.!

  2. #2
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    Soooo... We've had a lot of stuff happen in our time (deaths, cancer scares, meddling others etc) and I had a weak moment straight after a holiday when she had a crap time with my daughter (whom she is an amazing step mum to. She's been her mum longer than my wife who died of cancer was sadly) and lost my cool when I copped her pent up stress. I know I should have been more supportive, especially given the situation but her work is killing her..... I broke it off and she was pissed... Realised straight away what an error it was and although she has forgiven me, and we're getting along better than ever, she says she loves me BUT not in love with me... The limerence in her eyes is lost due to the pain and fear of more possible pain I guess... We regularly make love and hang out and have a great time.. BUT she says there's no going back, and she isn't coming back to me, but meanwhile giving me mixed signals, apologies for her "weak moments" and she also talks about "that we can't keep doing this" and "when she goes on a date with someone" etc etc. She is already being persued by my so called friends etc and I need to act fast... Or slow depending on what is really needed... Now... When she left me 18 months ago I transformed myself and won her back but our relationship slid been when we both got caught up in love and didn't put the effort in... I know relationships take effort and time, but now that there's nothing expected from each other we get along like we used to and should.... Help me please before I go insane... No contact is not really an option right at this point as she calls me pretty much daily and when I do give her space she asks "why I'm avoiding her" etc... There's got to be a way without mind games and without asking (because we've discussed it before) because she's keeping her guard up...

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live together? Why do you keep breaking up?
    Originally Posted by James Andrew
    We regularly make love and hang out and have a great time.. BUT she says there's no going back, and she isn't coming back to me

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You broke up before, hmmm...breaking up for a while and then trying to revive it, will be like reheating a nice meal in the microwave. It's not as nice and it's not the same.

    Now you're broken up again, although having sex and playing at being a couple, without being a couple. This probably has more to do with convenience and still being attached but not in love (as she said). Plus she's eyeing up your friends? It's not a good place, James...I don't think it's salvageable this time.

    But yes, what are the main reasons that you break up like this? That's key to if it's even worth trying to fix, although if you want my honest opinion, I think you're beating a dead horse here.

    It will slowly end, but the result will still be end.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    On again, off again relationships means it's not the right relationship for you. Neither of you put in the effort after giving each other a second chance. Neither of you care enough. You're just used to each other and have a comfort level. Afraid of change.

    It's BS that you can't go no contact. Tell her for your own good you need that for closure, and if she can't respect that, block her number. Stay alone for a good while and concentrate on your daughter, getting her used to a life without your ex.

  7. #6
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    I broke it off and she was pissed... Realised straight away what an error it was and although she has forgiven me, and we're getting along better than ever, she says she loves me BUT not in love with me...

    If she is your wife ....your dauhgter's stepmom, you don't just "break it off" just like that. You cool off. you go to counseling if it can't be resolved. if you are that dismissive of the relationship, i can see where she had one foot out the door. Its hard to get someone back after you dump them just because they had a stressful week


    Originally Posted by Andrina
    On again, off again relationships means it's not the right relationship for you.
    Often, but sometimes one partner can't/won't communicate and work through things.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Both of you have already had a go at reconciliation. It's not working. Learn to respect each others' wishes and remain cordial, no more blurring the lines or causing confusion in the family. You're both behaving poorly towards each other. Stay away from rhetoric like "love but not in love" and request that she respect your boundaries and privacy when it comes to the way you converse and work out any details regarding the family home or your kids. Phrases like that are misnomers and dangling carrots in a confusing and painful time where carrots on a string are not appreciated.

    Focus on the home, your kids and your careers. Both of you do have to pay the bills and shoulder the responsibility if there's any agreement on it. It doesn't sound like you're realistic about the outcome or the expectations of this relationship. Be a bit more forthcoming and honest with yourself.

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    We don't live together, and yes step mum. We split up first time due to us not concentrating on each enough, we both are career oriented people, when we separated the first time we barely left communication and we made time for each other and it blossomed for 6 months. She got more involved with work, and then more and more. Not really by choice and she complains most days until it got to the point I struggled to support her and said she needed to draw a line in the sand with her work as it's killing her, but she reacted badly (saying I don't support her etc, even though I hash done nothing but support her for months on end) and didn't speak to me for the night and the next day I put it on the line which ended up in arguments and me breaking it off. Yes it's convenient and I feel that I need to completely seperate (no contact at all) for a while to focus and see how she feels, and if she wants to put the effort in (as she knows as much as I do that relationships take time and effort often) to make it work.... I still love her dearly and don't want anyone else (I have many options in that regard as does she) as I'm just not attracted to anyone else....
    Last edited by James Andrew; 09-06-2019 at 05:34 PM. Reason: Edit

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Plus she's eyeing up your friends? It's not a good place, James...I don't think it's salvageable this time.
    She's actualy fending off an advance or 2 from my acquaintances and being honest with me about it.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by James Andrew
    We don't live together, and yes step mum. We split up first time due to us not concentrating on each enough, we both are career oriented people, when we separated the first time we barely left communication and we made time for each other and it blossomed for 6 months. She got more involved with work, and then more and more. Not really by choice and she complains most days until it got to the point I struggled to support her and said she needed to draw a line in the sand with her work as it's killing her, but she reacted badly (saying I don't support her etc, even though I hash done nothing but support her for months on end) and didn't speak to me for the night and the next day I put it on the line which ended up in arguments and me breaking it off. Yes it's convenient and I feel that I need to completely seperate (no contact at all) for a while to focus and see how she feels, and if she wants to put the effort in (as she knows as much as I do that relationships take time and effort often) to make it work.... I still love her dearly and don't want anyone else (I have many options in that regard as does she) as I'm just not attracted to anyone else....
    if someone says "you don't support me" and you can't figure it out -- then ASK "how can i support you in the way that you need"

    For some people support means just listening.
    For some people, its needing someone else to tell you that they believe in you.
    for others it means if someone is working 12 hour days, the other person flexes to drive near their work and have coffee on their break just to see them or is okay with just crashing together. Or it may mean picking up the slack.

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