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Thread: Whatís it like dating someone with mild aspergers?

  1. #1
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    Whatís it like dating someone with mild aspergers?

    Iím curious to see if anyone has any experience. :)

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    My BIL (brother-in-law) has mild AS (Asperger's Syndrome). I can't speak for all AS people but he is very socially awkward to the point of being a jerk. He says inappropriate comments, extremely rude and infuriates many people including his wife (my sister), me, my husband and sons. BIL has no qualms humiliating others privately and during social settings. Unfortunately, this type of boorish behavior alienates others quickly and I take great lengths to avoid him except for perfunctory TG (Thanksgiving) because my sons want to be with their cousins on that holiday.

  3. 09-06-2019, 03:53 AM

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    Through my own experience, I would have to advise giving them a wide berth. Everyone with AS is different, but even if this man tells you it's mild, it might be because he wants to minimise his condition so as not to scare you aware. I am a member of two support groups for partners of men with AS and the same themes come up over and over again. They are very good at hiding their symptoms while you are still in the initial stages, but once they know they have won you over, they start showing who they really are and the effect they have on a partner can be immense. You will end up walking on eggshells because everything you say is wrong. They are never at fault for anything, they do not accept responsibility and will never apologise. They are rude, incredibly defensive and take any suggestion/disagreement with their opinion as personal attack. If you get upset over anything, whether it's to do with something they have said or done or is unrelated, you won't get an ounce of kindness or empathy. They will talk and talk about things that interest them, but won't want to listen to you. They may well have sensory issues, which mean they won't do this or they won't go there. They will go way over the top in their reactions to the slightest things and this can include aggressive rages. They have no ability to deal with any kind of change or stress and will blame you for everything. They will lie if it benefits them and the moodiness is legendary. Before long you will be a shadow of your former self because everything has to be about them and what they want.

    As I say, this is not only my own experience but that of many others. If you search Facebook for Women in Relationships with Asperger's Men you will see what I mean.

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    I donít think itís fair to generalise. Iíve had two long term relationships with men on the autistic spectrum and they were very very different people. I think how it manifests varies from person to person.

    What matters is that you remain aware of what your deal breakers are and act to end it if you learn youíre incompatible. The first guy I was with for 6 years, our connection on a mental level is still the best Iíve ever had with anyone. However he was touch averse and touch is my love language (and he was a miserable git who wasnít willing to get a mental health care plan). That relationship didnít end because heís autistic, it ended because of fundamental incompatibility. The other guy I was with for almost two years. He ended that because he fell out of love (but in a pretty drawn out and cowardly way. Whether that was a result of how his brain is wired or youth Iíll never know).

    Judge a person by their actions not their diagnosis thatís my two cents.

    (And my advice, that carries over into your dealings with the neurotypical also is, if someone shuts down and goes non verbal on you, give them alllllll of the space).

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    They are all different just like NT people. NT people can be jerks too this whole forum is full of threads about it. I donít think it is fair to call every Autistic person a jerk. They are abused enough by society. I have seen it first hand. My son is Autistic. Btw Aspergers is not a thing anymore, they are Autistic.

  8. 09-06-2019, 06:49 AM

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    My son is a sweet quiet person. He is very gentle and carrying . He is brutally honest if you want someone to pat your shoulder and say , ď there thereĒ and feed you namby pamby crap he isnít your guy. ( but I am not either ) But if you want and honest and caring person he is. He is just not into touch or noise or crowds.

  10. 09-06-2019, 07:15 AM

  11. 09-06-2019, 07:18 AM

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    So I don't think I have personal experience (I mean maybe I was on a date with someone with a diagnosis and didn't know it?) but I don't think the question can be answered in this way because from my understanding everyone who is on the spectrum exhibits individual symptoms and I'm not sure how/whether these affect going on dates or if they do it's in any negative or positive way. Analogy -my father had depression and was diagnosed as bipolar and his behavior, his symptoms, wildly varied and were not always "because" of the diagnosis. Not sure if that is a good analogy and I know this is a sensitive subject!!

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This sounds like a spectator question. Because either you are dating someone with this or not. Are you dating this individual or are you just curious? There's no one-size fits all answer to that.

    So even if people respond to your survey with their opinions, it may not pertain to what you want to know. It will just devolve in to a guessing game. For any dating situation there is no real road map.
    Originally Posted by Karen21260
    Iím curious to see if anyone has any experience. :)

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    I think to date anyone with any condition you need to know something about it.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Has he told you he has mild Asperger's? Or have you diagnosed him during these days when you haven't heard from him but hoped to about the third date?

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