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Thread: Whatís it like dating someone with mild aspergers?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    He may be a jerk but not every Autistic person is .
    When I meant we remain alienated from BIL (and their family in general), I meant we basically cut them off. Sure we're civil whenever we're together for perfunctory traditional holidays and a few special celebratory occasions since we reside locally but other than that, we don't have a relationship with BIL nor his family in general. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries. We're civil yet keep a safe, cautious distance. We're peaceful but not chummy. It works. Can't and won't deal anymore.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    When I meant we remain alienated from BIL (and their family in general), I meant we basically cut them off. Sure we're civil whenever we're together for perfunctory traditional holidays and a few special celebratory occasions since we reside locally but other than that, we don't have a relationship with BIL nor his family in general. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries. We're civil yet keep a safe, cautious distance. We're peaceful but not chummy. It works. Can't and won't deal anymore.
    Perfectly understandable. It doesn't matter what someone has going on in their lives....if you don't want to be around them and their behavior is negatively affecting you and your family, you have the right to distance yourself from them and keep it that way. Abuse shouldn't be tolerated just because someone is related to you.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Perfectly understandable. It doesn't matter what someone has going on in their lives....if you don't want to be around them and their behavior is negatively affecting you and your family, you have the right to distance yourself from them and keep it that way. Abuse shouldn't be tolerated just because someone is related to you.
    Thank you very much, Fudgie.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I dated someone I believe was on the spectrum to some degree or another. I didn't know it at the time. We dated for about 4 or 5 months. He was a very handsome and lovely man, we had a lot in common, but I ultimately ended it because I didn't feel I could connect with him in any way. I didn't understand it at the time and that's all I knew. I tried for some sort of emotional connection and tried to be patient and at some point I gave up.

    He was very happy with a Saturday night date, but when I approached him about possibly seeing each other more, he obliged. Everything in between was silent. No communication at all. It all felt very black and white with nothing in between.

    He had little tics, like cracking his knuckles. He'd start at one end of his arm, ending on the other one, down to every finger. He even twisted his ankles to crack. 30 min's to an hour later, the same thing. I could tell there were times he was struggling to not do it. He constantly smoothed down his buttoned shirt, repeatedly. He didn't seem to be able to have eye contact, or at least maintain it. His daily routines never varied and though he had friends that would ask him to do things, he always turned them down and preferred to be alone.

    He had never been married though he did live with someone for years. He didn't like dogs or children and he was an accountant. Interestingly enough, he was a drummer in a very well known 80's band and memorabilia all over his home.

    I felt sad when I said goodbye to him. I know he was disappointed too. It wasn't until after, digging around on the internet that I read some things that were so, so similar to him. Looking back, I think he knew it. He was very intelligent. I don't know why he didn't share it with me at some point. It might have made a difference. I don't know.

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  6. #35
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    Cherylyn, thank you for sharing your candid story. The OP asked a question, and you gave your answer. Obviously not everyone is going to experience the same issues, but your experiences are valid and I appreciate your sharing. I do not believe you were attempting to paint everyone with a broad brush, but rather your own personal experiences and warning signs. Your responses were tactful.

    It is a touchy subject, and this is an advice forum where people should be able to ask such questions.

    Reinvent - back in the 80's - did any of us really have a grasp of autism back then?? I remember Prozac hitting the market and mental health/depression being more widely discussed/addressed, but autism? No. My real "knowledge" of it really only occurred much later, probably well into the 90s, late 90s at that, maybe later. You look back at your relationship and the quirks and habits and can armchair diagnose...that's probably it. It makes sense. That's probably what was going on. Was that it? Is there a new diagnosis not yet determined for personality issues? I think the Asperger diagnosis entered the scene and then exited pretty fast, and is no longer used; instead using "on the spectrum" instead (?).

    Thank you for sharing you experience as well. It sounds like a difficult relationship if someone tends to be more emotional, and someone that requires more touch, and more flexibility; this could be a very hard relationship...you parted ways because of it. It all seems very clinical. He could bend a little because an extra night was a "requirement," but spontaneity was not something that would come easily, if at all. I'm glad it's mostly fond memories.

  7. #36
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    Thank you for sharing your story. The guy I was seeing also did the whole knuckle cracking. How interesting.

  8. #37
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is called stimming.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Cherylyn, thank you for sharing your candid story. The OP asked a question, and you gave your answer. Obviously not everyone is going to experience the same issues, but your experiences are valid and I appreciate your sharing. I do not believe you were attempting to paint everyone with a broad brush, but rather your own personal experiences and warning signs. Your responses were tactful.

    It is a touchy subject, and this is an advice forum where people should be able to ask such questions.

    Reinvent - back in the 80's - did any of us really have a grasp of autism back then?? I remember Prozac hitting the market and mental health/depression being more widely discussed/addressed, but autism? No. My real "knowledge" of it really only occurred much later, probably well into the 90s, late 90s at that, maybe later. You look back at your relationship and the quirks and habits and can armchair diagnose...that's probably it. It makes sense. That's probably what was going on. Was that it? Is there a new diagnosis not yet determined for personality issues? I think the Asperger diagnosis entered the scene and then exited pretty fast, and is no longer used; instead using "on the spectrum" instead (?).

    Thank you for sharing you experience as well. It sounds like a difficult relationship if someone tends to be more emotional, and someone that requires more touch, and more flexibility; this could be a very hard relationship...you parted ways because of it. It all seems very clinical. He could bend a little because an extra night was a "requirement," but spontaneity was not something that would come easily, if at all. I'm glad it's mostly fond memories.
    Thank you, purplepaisley. You are right. The OP Kare21260 asked a question and I was merely giving her my answer based upon my experience with a family member who has a mild form of AS (Asperger's Syndrome / autism). I agree, not everyone experiences the same issues. I'm not painting every autistic person as a jerk or someone who is the same as my BIL (brother-in-law / sister's husband). For BIL, he has zero empathy.

    BIL is smart and earns a very high income. He's an outstanding provider for his wife and 3 children. They enjoy an affluent lifestyle. However, his high earning income and big house doesn't buy him class. As long as he brings home his fat paycheck, my sister no longer complains about her husband disrespecting her and others. Apparently, money talks. Too bad his character doesn't match his job.

    My DH and DS (husband & sons) and I have given BIL plenty of chances to improve, correct himself for the better and become a decent human being to no avail. Giving him 20 years of chances was being too charitable on our part. We've all made the sobering acceptance that he'll never change. A permanent break from BIL was long overdue. There is only so much abuse a person can take and we're done. He certainly earned his status as an all-time jerk. We simply avoid him at all costs because this is what boundaries are. Everyone is peaceful, no one fights and we're all good as long as he is not with us! Should our paths cross with BIL, we simply keep him at arm's length. There is no love whatsoever. We feel numb towards him.

    My sister told me it's "senseless" to reason with her husband and she gave up on him a long ago which is sad to say. She said that all five of her husband's brothers get together at family reunions every year and all wives (her SIL - sisters-in-law) share notes because all 6 brothers share the same autistic trait of certain inappropriate private and public behaviors. BIL's older brother is not only inappropriate with his social and private comments but he also stammers and has a bad stuttering problem. This older brother is very smart and has a grad degree from MIT yet he still says inappropriate comments privately and publicly.

    My niece who is BIL's daughter also inherited her father's autism but she's not nearly as bad. She too has social problems but at least she doesn't say anything obnoxiously rude to your face. She doesn't take it that far. She's a nice young lady.

    For the longest time we tried so hard to have a close, loving family relationship with my sister, her husband (my BIL) and their 3 children but it just ends up as an epic failure. She'll forever defend her bread 'n butter and needs her husband's fat paychecks for their 3 kids and enormous house. She enjoys her very affluent lifestyle and so-called friends who are her 'Good Time Charlies.' I leave her alone. She is the one who has to cope with her husband who embarrasses and humiliates her privately and publicly. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. She chose him and she is the one who created the crisis for herself.

    It's best for me to live my own quietly content, normal, stable life with my husband and 2 sons.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Karen21260
    Thank you for sharing your story. The guy I was seeing also did the whole knuckle cracking. How interesting.
    Whether it was stimming or just something he did that particular night it might or might not be related to a disorder or condition - I have some of those habits too (for me it's hair twirling for example) and I do not have a condition that causes it - so "stimming" might be part of a disorder or might be typical. Since you only met him twice and you are not a therapist or diagnostician I wouldn't go there.

    It reminds me of when my sister was in college (4 decades ago and I still remember her story) and this guy was chatting with her, flirting a bit in the hallway and she was a little offended because she thought he kept looking down at her chest. Turns out -and she confirmed it! -he had an eye issue that day (maybe contact lenses that were bad??) and had to keep looking down, etc. So analyzing behaviors like that is tricky when you're not a professional lol.

  11. #40
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Thank you, purplepaisley. You are right. The OP Kare21260 asked a question and I was merely giving her my answer based upon my experience with a family member who has a mild form of AS (Asperger's Syndrome / autism). I agree, not everyone experiences the same issues. I'm not painting every autistic person as a jerk or someone who is the same as my BIL (brother-in-law / sister's husband). For BIL, he has zero empathy.

    BIL is smart and earns a very high income. He's an outstanding provider for his wife and 3 children. They enjoy an affluent lifestyle. However, his high earning income and big house doesn't buy him class. As long as he brings home his fat paycheck, my sister no longer complains about her husband disrespecting her and others. Apparently, money talks. Too bad his character doesn't match his job.

    My DH and DS (husband & sons) and I have given BIL plenty of chances to improve, correct himself for the better and become a decent human being to no avail. Giving him 20 years of chances was being too charitable on our part. We've all made the sobering acceptance that he'll never change. A permanent break from BIL was long overdue. There is only so much abuse a person can take and we're done. He certainly earned his status as an all-time jerk. We simply avoid him at all costs because this is what boundaries are. Everyone is peaceful, no one fights and we're all good as long as he is not with us! Should our paths cross with BIL, we simply keep him at arm's length. There is no love whatsoever. We feel numb towards him.

    My sister told me it's "senseless" to reason with her husband and she gave up on him a long ago which is sad to say. She said that all five of her husband's brothers get together at family reunions every year and all wives (her SIL - sisters-in-law) share notes because all 6 brothers share the same autistic trait of certain inappropriate private and public behaviors. BIL's older brother is not only inappropriate with his social and private comments but he also stammers and has a bad stuttering problem. This older brother is very smart and has a grad degree from MIT yet he still says inappropriate comments privately and publicly.

    My niece who is BIL's daughter also inherited her father's autism but she's not nearly as bad. She too has social problems but at least she doesn't say anything obnoxiously rude to your face. She doesn't take it that far. She's a nice young lady.

    For the longest time we tried so hard to have a close, loving family relationship with my sister, her husband (my BIL) and their 3 children but it just ends up as an epic failure. She'll forever defend her bread 'n butter and needs her husband's fat paychecks for their 3 kids and enormous house. She enjoys her very affluent lifestyle and so-called friends who are her 'Good Time Charlies.' I leave her alone. She is the one who has to cope with her husband who embarrasses and humiliates her privately and publicly. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. She chose him and she is the one who created the crisis for herself.

    It's best for me to live my own quietly content, normal, stable life with my husband and 2 sons.
    What does stuttering and stammering have to do with anything? The eptymology of stuttering and stammering can also be abuse you know . I get you donít want to be abused no one does but at this point it just sounds like youíre piling it on for disabled people .

    If this thread was what is it like to date certain race it wouldíve been shut down by now but because it is about the disabled it isnít . Disappointing.

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