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Thread: Texting a date for feedback?

  1. #1
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    Texting a date for feedback?

    I (30F) went on two dates with a guy (29M) and we really hit it off. Both times, we had dinner but stayed at the restaurant until it closed at midnight. He seemed to have many great qualities. The only thing is that at the end of both dates, he becomes very awkward. Heíll give me a very long hug and seems to want to kiss me, freeze & stare at me, gets visibly embarrassed, and we end the date without kissing. He seems socially awkward. He hugged me a lot during the dates and many times my face would be right in front of his but he would just give me a big shy smile and keep hugging me. I thought it was weird he didnít pick up on the cue to kiss me. We werenít inebriated either. I told myself Iíd kiss him on the next date. I can say without a doubt that heís interested in me.

    I decided to take initiative and ask him out for the third date. To my surprise, he said heís packed this weekend and this month is unusually busy for him. Heís going to be out of town this weekend and also was out of town last week. But he didnít say anything else. I figured that if a guy was interested, he would at least say next month is better or set up a different date.

    Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me. Heís very busy with work.

    Well the weekend has come and gone, and another weekend is now here. I havenít heard from him and would like to ask him out again. I would like to say something like ďHey Jon, I hope you had a great trip. So I donít usually ask guys out, and more than once, but I really enjoyed my time with you. Would you like to go out again? If not, itís totally cool, and I wouldnít mind getting feedback from a totally awesome guy if youíre up for it. :)Ē

    What do you guys think? My best friend says Iíll look desperate but to be honest I donít really mind. If heís not interested then it doesnít matter what he thinks of me. Itís more important for me to take the opportunity. Iím also curious what he has to say if he does have feedback. Iím very comfortable asking him for feedback because he actually told me he does the same sometimes. So I donít think heíll think itís weird. Weíre both analytical people who love to learn and self improve.

    Any thoughts on the actual text?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Honestly, I'd limit the text to just seeing if he wants to hang out. Couching it in explaining that you don't usually ask guys outóand more than onceóis just creating pressure where none needs to exist. And preemptively asking him for feedback is kind of the same thing. Feels loaded, an unnecessary display of insecurity posturing as cool girl vulnerability.

    If you genuinely don't care what he thinks of you than just stick to the basics: what you think of him, which is that you'd like to see him again, and own that with confidence. If he's on the same page, great. If he's not, equally great. Means you get to let this go so you can find someone you better click with, rather than someone you ostensibly don't care about but wouldn't mind feedback from.

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    Text him once to see if he wants to hang out ONLY. None of that feedback business. You will only look desperate if he doesnít respond and you continue to text. You said yourself heís socially awkward and very busy with work.

  4. #4
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    Do not reach out for feedback. You will look pathetic. You already asked him out once, the ball is in his court.

    Sorry, but I do not think that he is interested.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-06-2019 at 02:13 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with your friend. Don't be perceived as insecure, needy and clingy by hounding him. Back off. Make yourself interesting and intriguing by having your own independent streak. Have an aura of mystery about you because guys will find this extremely alluring. Don't make yourself so available and ready. Have your own life.

    Let him reach out to you if he's interested and if he isn't, there is your answer.

  7. #6
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    Hmmm... I was going to just say "No! Don't do it!"... but I'll dig a little deeper here.

    He seemed to have many great qualities.
    I am curious what those are. What attracted your to this guy so much?

    The only thing is that at the end of both dates, he becomes very awkward. Heíll give me a very long hug and seems to want to kiss me, freeze & stare at me, gets visibly embarrassed, and we end the date without kissing. He seems socially awkward. He hugged me a lot during the dates and many times my face would be right in front of his but he would just give me a big shy smile and keep hugging me. I thought it was weird he didnít pick up on the cue to kiss me.
    Has he ever been in a relationship before? If not why? I am not judging, there maybe perfectly understandable reasons for his social awkwardness and/or lack of experience with women at 29 years old. But if what you described is accurate, that is a pretty serious level of insecurity and awkwardness that most guys get over after their first experience with girls.

    If he is just insecure and lacks experience, and you have the patience to guide him through it and coax him out of his shell, then it might be worth the effort. If he has crippling social anxiety or social awkwardness wired into his system, you are going to find it exhausting leading him through any future relationship, because he may lack the capacity to learn, if it is something more fundamental than just shyness and nerves due to a lack of experience.

    Also given the reluctance for physical intimacy, do you think there is any chance that he is ... gay? or asexual? Just wondering if he is just looking for companionship rather than a real relationship.

    I decided to take initiative and ask him out for the third date. To my surprise, he said heís packed this weekend and this month is unusually busy for him. Heís going to be out of town this weekend and also was out of town last week. But he didnít say anything else. I figured that if a guy was interested, he would at least say next month is better or set up a different date.

    Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me. Heís very busy with work.
    Whilst I understand what it feels like to be so busy that you don't have time to think about dating, there are a few other possibilities here:
    1) He is not that into you. If a guy is really excited about you, he normally does not wait so long encase you get snapped up by somebody else in the interim)
    2) He is pursuing somebody else he likes more. Back when I used Tinder and Tinder-like apps, I would speak to multiple girls at the same time, but if I met somebody I liked, I would focus on her (only meet her) for a while until we either went exclusive or gave up. Until we reached that exclusive stage, I'd put the other girls on the back-burner, being non-committal and say that I was too busy to meet them if they contacted me.
    3) He is not ready for a relationship. Maybe he does like you, or at least spending time with you, but he realizes that he finds having the commitment of being in a relationship is too overwhelming on top of his busy job. If he is socially awkward, things that come naturally to most guys might be stressful for him.

    My best friend says Iíll look desperate but to be honest I donít really mind.
    Yes your text does come across desperate. You don't want that if you actually want a relationship with this guy. It will hand him all the power and leave yourself open to being used, hurt and discarded. Girls should never be easy. You want to be with guys who are excited to be with you, not because you metaphorically presented yourself to him, complete with a bow and ribbons.

    Do NOT ask him for advice on how your date went unless you don't want a future with him anymore. It is the sort of thing you do (if you must) when you no longer care about what he thinks of you, and just want some honest advice for the future.

    That all said. Yes you can text him to initiate contact after a while, but it should be cool and casual. Something like,

    "hey Jon, how's it going? I hope your trip went well and work isn't too hectic!"

    Now if he has any interest in you, he will respond and know that you are interested in him, because why else would you have initiated contact? But it's not cringe-worthy, awkward and needy like if you just asked him out directly, told him how awesome he is, AND asked for feedback about your dates!

  8. #7
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    He has said this month is too busy, so, a text like the one you're thinking of sending would probably put unnecessary pressure on him. Because this month is unusually busy for me, too, I know that that's how I would feel even if I wanted to see the person again.

    If I were really interested in him, I would text or call him asking about his trip or something like that just to keep the lines of communication open but I'd leave the suggestion for a third date up to him (because he's the one who's busy and you were the one who asked the last time).

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How did he manage to have a laptop available at your dinner dates?

    I think this person is better as a friend, not a person to date. The chemistry is bone dry and you seem more confused than excited, insecure than positive.

    The text itself may be helpful once you both move to some comfortable friendship or agree that thereís no chemistry between you. I wouldnít ask for feedback like that from someone Iím dating. It appears a little odd.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-06-2019 at 03:29 AM.

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    If someone says they're busy you just simply say: "Okay, no problem. Let me know when you're sure of your schedule and we make plans then."
    Then you walk away. The ball is in their court, if they contact you, you make plans. If they don't, you just never contact them again either. It can be so simple...
    If they contact you and start talking about random things you state that you are busy, but you'd love to meet in person. What's your schedule like/when are you free? And make definite plans then.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You go on a few dates and either you're hitting it off...or you're not. Do not ask for feedback. Not asking you out again IS your feedback. He barely knows you. Never put someone in such a strange position. Either you both want to go out again...or not. If he seems to lack interest, you don't need it spelled out with an analysis, just move forward. Don't use "I want feedback" as an excuse to force a response from anyone.
    Originally Posted by Karen21260
    Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me.
    I havenít heard from him and would like to ask him out again.

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