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Thread: Boyfriend's Dad Has No Boundaries

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend's Dad Has No Boundaries

    Thanks in advance for reading.... my boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and live together. His parents own the apartment building we live in, but they live about an hour away. My boyfriend and I pay the highest rent in the building, which we can barely afford, but this is to make up for all the other apartments where they charge very little because they are family friends of my boyfriend's father. Our rent is still technically low for our location, so that is how we justify it with ourselves, and why we don't just move elsewhere.

    His father has keys to our apartment (as he is our landlord), and enters without knocking multiple times a week. I am in my 20s and my boyfriend's father is in his early 70s. He is conservative, there is a language barrier, and we are not close. So even on a good day, it is awkward when he walks in. One can imagine how this has posed significant obstacles in my relationship, and also just as a person renting an apartment.

    My boyfriend has tried talking to his father about this, saying it is unacceptable, and to at least call before he comes over. This has been to no avail. They even got in a huge blowout argument about it about a month ago, but the behavior did not change for even one day. We've talked about changing the locks, but that just feels wrong to us. We'll be lucky if he so much as knocks on our front door, and even if he knocks, he lets himself in immediately (like a courtesy knock).

    I'm just curious as to how others would act in this situation where we feel we can't take action in any direction without being total villains. Keep in mind, his dad is not coming in to "hang out" with us, he's usually coming in to use the bathroom and look around the apartment for a few minutes, leave, and then usually comes back an hour later to do it again before he goes home. We keep the apartment sparkling clean, I have to have the dishes done at all times (per my boyfriend's request) in case his dad comes over. And also you can imagine how awkward this is concerning sex/masturbation/changing clothes/just wanting to be comfortable in your house and enjoy privacy. All replies appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I wouldíve told him to get out the minute he walked in, then put a dead bolt on the door.

    Thatís not being a villain, thatís just maintaining a pretty reasonable boundary.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you are paying rent, there are laws governing this. A landlord can never just enter an apt. When you pay rent, you enter a legal contract. It's your "home' to which you have the right to "quiet enjoyment of the premises". It's that simple. Your bf needs a spine and you need a locksmith to install a deadbolt and chain. Your bf's father is not a mere pain in the butt, he's breaking the law. You need to start looking up tenant/landlord laws and start enacting them. Stop pretending it's a cultural problem when it's actually a legal problem.

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    Personally, I would find a new place. That living situation sounds terrible, and it's nice that your boyfriend tries to stick up for your privacy but it's clear it isn't going to change. If you're set on staying, buy a traveler's lock (or some other temporary lock) and use it when you're home. It won't stop him from snooping when you aren't in, but there are no countries or states where temporary locks are illegal in rental units, and it will certainly keep him out! If he gets upset, so what! You're 100% within your rights to use a temporary lock.

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    Originally Posted by lichen
    If you're set on staying, buy a traveler's lock (or some other temporary lock) and use it when you're home
    That is a great idea!

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm just curious as to how others would act in this situation.
    I would walk around nude all day and let him catch me as such.

    Put bucket of water above the door so when he barges in it spills on his head...

    Go to your landlord/tenant tribunal and ask for a print out of your rights and obligations and tape it to the door of your unit...

    Seriously though: Put a chain lock on the door so at the very least you have a warning that he's about to enter (so you can get dressed if you're nude Ha!

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    In this situation I would begin looking for a new place to move to ASAP. In my opinion, paying lower rent is not worth such an extreme violation of my privacy. There are ways to find places that both you and your boyfriend can afford. Get a couple of roommates and split the cost of rent amongst all of you, if necessary.

    Moving out is probably your best option as far as resolving this problem without further straining your relationship with the father/landlord. If he were not your boyfriend's father, I might also have suggested that you could take legal action (many states have rules that specify circumstances when a landlord may enter a tenantís rental unit and the amount of notice required for such entry) but if you go the legal route, it will certainly result in a lot of tension and family drama. Best to avoid all of that and devote all of your efforts into finding a new place to live.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I would walk around nude all day and let him catch me as such
    Actually what prompted me to post this today was that he walked in this morning while I was changing my bra... he gave me a stern look and then continued to the bathroom! and I ended up being the embarrassed one!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd resist the urge to claim your right to the apartment. He's the owner and he is also (by extension) to be considered family. The second part of that sentence poses more trouble than it's worth.

    Learn to pick your battles wisely if you intend to spend your life or future with your boyfriend. Putting a deadbolt on the front door may pose some issues in the contract if you are not permitted to damage the property or alter it in any way. Again, pick your battles.

    Be a bit more grown up about this, find a different apartment (possibly in a less popular area of town and not the expensive hub, for example) and grow out of living under the wing of any parents. You are appearing bratty and a bit self-entitled even though I'm sure you both see yourself as adults. At the end of the day you are paying lower rent than the surrounding area's tenants or what other apartments are worth. It may be time to take a good hard look at your finances/budgeting and live more within your means. This may be a big wake up call to you and your boyfriend and an indicator that neither of you are actually self-sufficient or making it in any sense of the word.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Simple solution is put in a chain or blind deadbolt so when you are at home, he can't just walk in like that. In most places, this is actually a legal safety/security requirement for any rental property and landlords can be fined and penalized for failing to install such.

    Anyway, you are a paying tenant and as such, are entitled to privacy and other formal rights regardless of the relationship with the landlord. If the man will not adjust his attitude even after multiple confrontations, you guys aren't villains for installing an interior lock you can use when you are home to protect yourselves.

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