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Thread: When your partner's family is toxic...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by platypus554
    Yes I agree on the furniture - we both do. The problem with that is them using it as leverage and then harassing us with texts and calls. They just use it as an excuse. I hope he would be able to make the decision to cut them from his life. But I feel sorry for him that he might have to.
    Leverage for what? What is it they actually want that furniture is being held hostage? You can block people from calling your phone and if it's that bad, it needs to be done.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    What are you actually fighting about?

  3. #23
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    Honestly, your boyfriend needs to assert boundaries and choose his battles.
    He did the wrong thing by going from his parents house to living with you. He needed to move out by himself or male roommates to learn how to deal with his parents as an adult person. You cannot do that until you move out and it takes time - even with super supportive parents and good relations.

    No, he should not cut contact.

    You should set a boundary. Sometimes be busy when he visits his parents to give him time to work on his relationship. Don't just sit at home but actually have plans. that way its not an us vs them.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by shellyf62
    What are you actually fighting about?
    Yes. i am trying to figure that out

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by platypus554
    For example after the huge fight a few months ago, we stopped talking to them and seeing them. Two months later, his dad calls and tells us he bought us a vacation. We dont even know what to say. We dont want to go. He keeps persisting. I still havent given them an answer. Then he assumes we are going - and starts saying do this, do that, and many other things because he "bought us a vacation" that we dont even intend to go on. It's really, really strange.
    Does your bf know the word NO?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Even though this isn't what you signed up for, you're in this relationship as a package deal meaning his family is your package deal.

    It's not worth retrieving his furniture. It's less expensive to buy new furniture. It's not worth the fight to retrieve his furniture which is at the expense of your and your partner's last nerve.

    It's time for your partner to seriously consider permanent estrangement because everything you've written are real deal breakers. Both of you need to enforce very strong boundaries in order for you and your partner to have the right to a stress free or less stressful relationship.

    His family isn't going anywhere and will always be involved in your and your partner's life IF you both allow this asinine behavior to continue.

    The choice is your and your partner's. Take action if you want changes in your favor. Never give in and never cave into their demands. NEVER.

    With some people, you need to be extreme and severe because they deserve it. I will not mince words.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Never accept anything "free" such as the paid vacation from your partner's parents because nothing in life is "free." You'll always feel beholden and indebted for any and all favors.

    Remember this quote: "Owe nobody, nothin'."

    And, I despise "I'm sorry you feel that way" phrase because it is the most shallow, indifferent, insincere comment ever. Countless people have told me that which makes me want to strangle them! It's better for that person to shut up.

    Should your paths ever cross with them in your lifetime, I'd remain polite yet distant. Same thing with your partner.

    Other than that, it's better to cut them off.

    If this is not an option for you and you want to be able to enjoy life, you'll have to cut your partner loose.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd disengage. If partner keeps engaging them I'd say nothing beyond, "I credit you with the ability to make decisions that are best for you." Then leave it alone. If he brings garbage back to you about them, don't comment beyond, "What would you like to do about that?" then let him work it through. Say the original phrase about crediting him. Rinse repeat.

    If you want BF to figure out how to disengage, you'll need to model the behavior. Do NOT tell him what to do.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to step away from this. Let your bf fight his own battles. Do Not Send Them Anything. Ever. It's not your job to meddle or inflame or take sides. That does much more harm than good. You need much better boundaries.

    If/when they contact you be polite, involved and refer them to your bf. Simply forward anything to him and let him deal with it. Reset all your messaging and social media apps and mute or block them, never engage or indulge. You are creating and fueling more headaches for yourself, your bf and them by getting over involved, taking sides, etc. You need to distance yourself and be neutral. Do not be one of those partners who wants to micromanage him and his family..
    Originally Posted by platypus554
    I feel like on my end, I am done with his parents. His mom actually reached out to me today after their fight, and tried to antagonize me. I try to maintain my composure and not give her anything to have negative ammo on me.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean, I don't get it. Why are you involved at all? If I truly didn't want contact with my in-laws, I'd block their numbers tomorrow and be done with it. If they were so toxic, I wouldn't tell my wife to "grow a backbone." She's free to deal with her family in her own way. So long as it doesn't spill into the relationship or marriage, it's none of my business. And by "spill into," I don't mean foregoing my own responsibility to assert my own boundaries. I mean her coming to me regularly to emotionally dump on me as a result of her familial conflicts.

    There are some valid joint-concerns, primarily how and to what extent they'd be incorporated as grandparents down the road. But as far as furniture and his dad wanting to purchase vacations, just tell your boyfriend you don't want to be involved, and that you don't want to engage in anything they'd consequently hold you personally beholden to them for. If he wants to go on a vacation his dad bought, let him. And let him deal with whatever comes from it. If he wants to engage in all this politics around his furniture, let him.

    Unfortunately, he can't crawl back in and spin the wheel for the chance to pop out a different womb. This is the family he's got. I know a lot of people think a grown son can raise his back hand and his mother will instantly submit to his superior masculinity, but that's unfortunately not how autonomy works. She's going to do what she's going to do. If that means going around him to try and get a hold of you with her toxicity, then that's going to be completely and solely within her power and discretion. Only you can block her phone number. Only you can make the decision not to go to her house. Only you, for your part, can choose to disengage. Don't tell him what to do or how to interact with his family. Extend the base level of respect and trust you should have in calling him a partner by allowing him to fight and navigate that battle as he will. Express your need and desire to be completely separate from it. If he can't do that for his part, you're unfortunately going to have to make some hard decisions for your own sake. And if he can do that, but you can't handle simply knowing his family is like this and that he's dealing with them off to the side, you're likewise going to have to think about making the best decision for yourself.

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