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When your partner's family is toxic...


platypus554

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and need some help. I'm emotionally exhausted and don't know what to do with this situation. I've been with my partner for a long time now, and about a year into our relationship it became obvious that his mom is abusive. When I say abuse I'm mostly referring to emotional abuse, manipulation, extreme violent outbursts, and sometimes physical abuse. Her husband is naive and scared of her, so backs her up. My partner knows she is sick and that she is abusive but it's impossible to talk to her or her husband without another huge outburst. This makes it impossible to resolve anything. I've been dragged into it as well by affiliation. My partner and I are young adults and he lived with his parents up until recently. This gave them a lot of power over him, but now we are leaving our separate homes and moving in together, which we hoped would end it. He has been living with me for a while now as well, but they still harassed him through text and calls. Anyways he still has some furniture at their house, which they are using as leverage to put themselves above him. I'm scared that even when all of his things are gone, they will continue harassing us and trying to manipulate us. My partner is well aware that they are in the wrong, but constantly having to decide whether it is worth the fight or if he should just give info their demands. We have both been insulted, attacked (physically and verbally) and manipulated many times by his mom specifically. I don't know what to do anymore. The last outburst she had, I have only seen her once or twice since, as it was so extreme I called the police. I obviously love my partner and want to stand by him no matter what, but I don't know what to do any more. If anyone has any advice or kind words they would be truly appreciated.

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You might want to rethink this relationship.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't have enough courage to stand up to them and protect you from their attacks, he's not going to change. I wouldn't stay with someone who wasn't able to make a clean break from this ridiculous situation.

 

Forget the furniture. If he doesn't part with them, you need to leave.

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He does stand up to them - it just makes it a million times worse, and then they start threatening us and insulting us even more. And then what? He doesn't want to permanently exile them from his life and I don't think I can ask him to. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him alone in this.

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No piece of furniture is worth the nonsense from his parents, let it go.

 

Boundaries is the issue here, he needs to establish boundaries with his parents. What will he tolerate, what will he not tolerate. Only he can decide that. Then he must make his boundaries clear and stick to them. If cutting them from his life is needed, then that's what you do.

 

My MIL was a real shrew and I just stopped going to her house, the abuse was not worth it. Nobody stood up to her, so it was all pretty awful. I wish someone had put her in her place, but it never happened.

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Are you the problem? Ie. Do his parents not like you in particular?

 

I'm skeptical that two adults would behave this way unless they are really outraged by their son's choices or the people he's associating with. I'm also skeptical why you'd be "manipulated" so many times in the first place. I think you should be creating healthier boundaries also and taking a good hard look at why your choices involve these types of people whom you disagree with so much.

 

The only time I've seen such behaviour is when severe insecurity is involved: racism, homophobia and other serious discrimination against groups of people.

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@ Rose, no, I don't think it's me in particular. His mom has these outbursts at anyone who she can reach. I believe she is mentally ill but I'm no doctor. And we have cut them out of our life 2 or 3 times before, until they slowly come back in...

 

Sorry to hear this. If that's the case, she probably needs help from a qualified health professional or someone who works with mental health. Your boyfriend and you would do best to create healthy boundaries as the others have mentioned and both of you have to learn to know when to say no.

 

Believe it or not, you are not the only couple who has had to create those boundaries especially with family. I can only say it's better to start early on and establish them than to start later and confuse everyone.

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For example after the huge fight a few months ago, we stopped talking to them and seeing them. Two months later, his dad calls and tells us he bought us a vacation. We dont even know what to say. We dont want to go. He keeps persisting. I still havent given them an answer. Then he assumes we are going - and starts saying do this, do that, and many other things because he "bought us a vacation" that we dont even intend to go on. It's really, really strange.

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It's probably a good idea not to have long discussions via text message. Keep things to the point and on topic. I don't suggest stopping contact completely (that's up to you and him to decide - at your discretion). They are still his parents and I would be concerned that cutting them off completely means it hurts your boyfriend in the long run. For the sake of your relationship, let him be the one to decide. It should never be you making that decision (it's not yours to make).

 

I have the feeling that you want a resolution quickly and this may not be realistic. Part of managing a family means learning to take the good with the bad and knowing how to handle the bad while enjoying the good. By now both of you will probably know when she's about to get into one of her moods or you both may be able to sense what makes her upset. Avoid unnecessary drama and try and be compassionate to everyone. It's good for you to also stay on track with your work, school, fitness or other goals. Stay balanced and healthy (mentally and physically). Stay out of harm's way and don't antagonize her.

 

Regarding the vacation, in the best interpretation, it appears that they miss their son (if not both of you). I feel like there's a cultural and generational divide here. Are you of a different culture from him? It's not unusual for Asian parents for example to do the same thing. If you haven't given them an answer, they may think you're lackadaisical and irresponsible in your muteness. Give them an answer and stick with that answer.

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Thanks for the advice. and if they step on the boundaries, do we just stop contact with them completely? I just don't know how to go about it..

 

It’s VERY hard to cut off contact with family... he will always have a desire to try and work it out with his mom... ideally yes you want to stop contact completely however for many it’s an unrealistic expectation.

 

Consider that this will be your life if you choose to stay with him and consider seeking some professional help for how to deal with this type of situation.

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Thanks Rose. No, we are not from different cultures. And this has been going on for over 5 years unfortunately. We do get a sense of her "moods" coming on but sometimes it mean sacrificing a lot for us to keep her happy and we aren't willing to do that anymore. I feel like on my end, I am done with his parents. I have no intention of seeing them unless it's at large family gatherings. His mom actually reached out to me today after their fight, and tried to antagonize me. I try to maintain my composure and not give her anything to have negative ammo on me. For the vacation I think my bf told them we would go. Obviously that has changed after today's argument.

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I'm not sure what she said to you but let it go. No, you do not need to keep everyone happy. Just be aware of your surroundings and what others are doing. Most people will self-correct once we do not give them the attention they seek. If plans change with the vacation and both of you decide to go, remain neutral and enjoy yourself. It's free after all.

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For example after the huge fight a few months ago, we stopped talking to them and seeing them. Two months later, his dad calls and tells us he bought us a vacation. We dont even know what to say. We dont want to go. He keeps persisting. I still havent given them an answer. Then he assumes we are going - and starts saying do this, do that, and many other things because he "bought us a vacation" that we dont even intend to go on. It's really, really strange.

 

Thanks Rose. No, we are not from different cultures. And this has been going on for over 5 years unfortunately. We do get a sense of her "moods" coming on but sometimes it mean sacrificing a lot for us to keep her happy and we aren't willing to do that anymore. I feel like on my end, I am done with his parents. I have no intention of seeing them unless it's at large family gatherings. His mom actually reached out to me today after their fight, and tried to antagonize me. I try to maintain my composure and not give her anything to have negative ammo on me. For the vacation I think my bf told them we would go. Obviously that has changed after today's argument.

 

These are examples of your own very poor communication and behavior. Either you accept and say thank immediately OR you reject and tell him to get a refund on that asap because you will not go. What you did was neither - drag your feet in a passive aggressive manner with zero communication.

 

Now you had some text fight, now you won't go? You think your bf told them you will go but you don't know? It's not just his parents that are the problem.....here..... You and your bf are not communicating with each other either.

 

Bottom line, OP, is it takes two to fight. Take a good look at how much fuel you are adding to the fire because that's the only thing you are in control of and the only thing you can change in this situation. Learn how to respond in a timely way and directly. Learn when to respond with "sorry you feel that way" to diffuse whatever she is trying to incite. In short, learn how to neutralize. Again, takes two to fight. She can only pull you into the argument they are having because you are engaging instead of stepping aside and minding your own business.

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I agree totally with Dancing. It's awfully assuming that he bought you a vacation without even consulting you. You said you didn't even know what to say. What about, "Sorry, Dad. That's not going to work out for us." And when he kept persisting, just keep repeating that phrase until he gets tired of it.

 

You're teaching the both of them that it's ok for them to run over you, and that you'll be angry and huff off, but then you'll come around. You and your bf HAVE to have a plan of action for dealing with them. If you're both giving them two different answers, they'll just use that indecision to beat you up with.

 

Don't get angry. Don't get riled up. Just keep repeating phrases to them in a calm voice. As Dancing suggested, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "That's not going to work for us."

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I'd probably stay away from "I'm sorry you feel that way". It sounds a bit underhanded in its pity (she is upset and you feel sorry for her). Keep it simple and thank them for the offer (I think manners still count here), be clear about going or not going and honest. What this person wants is a long drawn out response and I think she'll do what she can to undermine also whatever is said to her. Keep it simple.

 

If your boyfriend changes his mind again, maybe you should be speaking with your boyfriend and not bother getting stuck in the middle of it. This really isn't completely his mum's fault for being "crazy" if your boyfriend is so fickle.

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You might want to rethink this relationship.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't have enough courage to stand up to them and protect you from their attacks, he's not going to change. I wouldn't stay with someone who wasn't able to make a clean break from this ridiculous situation.

 

Forget the furniture. If he doesn't part with them, you need to leave.

I agree! Your partner needs to develop a backbone. What happens when you have kids? How can you expose them to this?

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Yes I agree on the furniture - we both do. The problem with that is them using it as leverage and then harassing us with texts and calls. They just use it as an excuse. I hope he would be able to make the decision to cut them from his life. But I feel sorry for him that he might have to.

 

Leverage for what? What is it they actually want that furniture is being held hostage? You can block people from calling your phone and if it's that bad, it needs to be done.

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Honestly, your boyfriend needs to assert boundaries and choose his battles.

He did the wrong thing by going from his parents house to living with you. He needed to move out by himself or male roommates to learn how to deal with his parents as an adult person. You cannot do that until you move out and it takes time - even with super supportive parents and good relations.

 

No, he should not cut contact.

 

You should set a boundary. Sometimes be busy when he visits his parents to give him time to work on his relationship. Don't just sit at home but actually have plans. that way its not an us vs them.

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For example after the huge fight a few months ago, we stopped talking to them and seeing them. Two months later, his dad calls and tells us he bought us a vacation. We dont even know what to say. We dont want to go. He keeps persisting. I still havent given them an answer. Then he assumes we are going - and starts saying do this, do that, and many other things because he "bought us a vacation" that we dont even intend to go on. It's really, really strange.

 

Does your bf know the word NO?

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