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Thread: So, this is happening...

  1. #1
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    So, this is happening...

    So, this is happening...

    Not sure what my purpose in this is, other than to have somewhere to blog about my situation. Not really looking for followers with this, but knowing someone may be reading what I say somehow "helps". Even if no one really is. Anyway, like everyone else, I've been here in the past due to a break-up, and here I am again; but this one is different. That's the point of my blog. All the signs of the breakup are there, but the situation is so out of the ordinary for me, I figured I'd tell my story and hopefully get it out of my head; stop the hauntings of it. Real names aren't going to be used.

    Three and a half years ago I was on this site heavily, trying to get past a breakup. Learned a lot about breakups, and how I should have handled them better. Then I met Angie. She works right across from me, as a cube neighbor. A Russian hottie. Everyday skirts, with killer legs, high heels. No rose colored glasses here, she turns everyone's head. Problem from day one, she's married. So, let's get this straight, if you aren't able to go no judgement from here on out, this is your opportunity to stop here. Within three months we became exceptionally close. Best friends with a sexual tension that wouldn't go away. No clue why she was attracted to me, but she pulled me right out of a very dark place, and clearly was someone I wanted to be with. A lot of our attraction, for her, had to do with her feeling trapped in her marriage, her husband refusing to let go or accept her desire to leave, and staying for the better of the kids. In short, she told him if they can't separate, she wants an open marriage. He agreed. He knows all about me, her feelings for me. We even met and had a good conversation. Heís a solid guy. More of a man that I could be if I were him.

    Over the past three and a half years, we have built an emotional bond I never felt. Yes, we had sex, but to this date, only seven times. Not because we didn't want it more, but a lot of it had to do with my hesitation with an open marriage. Being raised as a Christian by a very dedication Christian mother, there was an odd point in my mid-teens that would come back to me many times. For no reasons other than God speaking to me, through her, there was no rational as to why she once preached to me, passionately, that open marriages are wrong. I mean, there was one day where she was so adamant, I told her I'm not in an open marriage. Something really got into her about it. No clue if it had to do with my dad or not, but something made her preach about it to me, one of five children, and it clearly stuck. This always held me back with Angie, and always frustrated her about me. But, when we did have sex, there was no denying the two of us had chemistry and sexual compatibility that was remarkably strong. So much she would physically cry about her love for me.

    Flash forward to now. Weíve consistently talked sex. She loves it. So much that when I donít, she asks my why Iím not, and takes me right into that topic. Until three weeks ago. A guy she finds attractive asked her to lunch, and she accepted. I didnít think much of it. Sheís been to lunch with other guys, they feel her up every now and again, they make out. Never bothered me. I wasnít fond of the idea of someone else having sex with her, but that never worked out for any of them, but was clearly something I would have to accept if it happened. But it never happening gave me a sense of superiority with her. They can all touch, but I got the true her under the sheets. So, when she started showing stronger sexual attraction for this new guy, my fur went up. But if it was just sex, then it just takes getting past the sting of it, and Angie is back to being mine. But, all the signs were saying ďwarningĒ. Comments that we should take a break, that I need to flirt with more women, Iím thinking too much about this and acting like a victim. But the ultimate sign, she no longer gravitated towards our discussions of sex. In an instant, we went from her occasionally giving me a panty shot as she sat back down at her desk, to practically diverting my sexual flirtations. This guy is a big problem for me now.

    So, the point of where Iím going is this. This blog is only about this. About how Iím handling this situation. What Iíve learned from here, and what Iím doing to hopefully prevent being pushed out. Thereís a lot going for me to keep her, but she is so into this dude I canít tell if itís fast and furious with an inevitable end, or if itís a fast and furious end for me. Maybe we have run our course. Not sure. If youíre interested, you invited to ride along. I feel a little stupid typing this out, but again, itís my way of getting it out of my head.

  2. #2
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    What is it I know about breakups? From empirical evidence, a lot when it comes to me getting dumped. Iím pretty good at that. Not that I treat them poorly, but I have been the guy that women eventually move on from, like a lot of people. I think I have gravitated to repeating patterns of behavior in the past that become predictable and boring in a long term relationship. With that, and a lot of reading of experiences in here, there are patterns that indicate storms ahead. Itís always a curiosity up front that escalates like a bad drug habit. In the words of Axl Rose, ďI used to do a little, but a little wasnít doing, so a little got a little bit moreĒ.

    Patterns for me started with someone showing up and the remarks from her of a ďwhy is he contacting me?Ē Her meaning past relationship ďherĒ. Not Angie. Up front, thereís not much to worry about. Sometimes itís a hello, sometimes a ďreally good to hear from himĒ. But one thing that turns me aware is an increase in mentioning of their name. Usually about a funny comment they made, or an ďI donít understand why he is texting meĒ remark that is said more than once. If it drops off, it just means they were enjoying the conversations, but nothing to really think about. But when they donít drop off, but increase, of course youíre aware of it. And when those remarks suddenly stop, that is when I suddenly start watching how much the phone is being picked up. The presenting condition is usually along the lines of some reasonable negative attitude as to why he keeps reaching out, but are really more symptoms of her not stopping it either.

    General warning signs of escalation become concerning. Levels of comparison about me being made, obvious things like ďitís just text messagesĒ, and defensiveness about being questioned. Along the lines of it not being my business, so stop asking. This is where I frequently went wrong. Instead of making it clear Iím asking because I feel a level of discomfort with it, I used to sit back and just watch a little more, questioning if Iím just over-reacting, being needy, stuff like that. Then the slight increase in lacking interest about me, average responses to things we find interesting, levels of boredom about what we do. Comments about how we need to do new things. Signs I could have actually acted on and maybe turned things around in the past. Maybe take them up on that and surprise them with something new and fun!?! Within reason. You should never bribe. It only shows you actually are needy.

    Anyway, then there is the solid indications of a problem at hand. The ďits justÖĒ. It was just a discussion, it was just a drink, it was just dinner. At this stage itís clearly working into just sex, but if youíre here, you are way past the point of when you should have noticed the problem. Their questioning of the relationship by spending time with the other guy, then coming back and being flirtatious with me as confirmation we are still ok, likely wondering if they should stop. An increase in arguments, criticisms, boredom. Loooove the ďwe should take a breakĒ, and, ďmaybe we need a hall passĒ. Wish I could go back and tell myself to give it to them. Stop trying to block it, it isnít working of you.

    Finally, the end. Looks of disgust at random times, clear unease being around each other, no interest in the least in getting out. Here is where I wish I would have just called it. My goodness, thereís nothing left to be saved, but I tried. I look back and cringe at myself. The way I would still convince myself itís not over. Ugh. This is when I started reading many of the stories here. You just canít avoid finding similarities with throughout. There were plenty of stories where I was extremely grateful not to have their problem, but in the end, breakups are similar. Stories here were a huge eye opener for me. Things that people try, I tried, and breakups people go through in ways I would have tried if possible. Biggest eye opener for me was most of the ďgetting back with your exĒ stories were about how it hurts worse after they breakup the second time.

  3. #3
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    Ok, so, it's over. Didn't even get a chance to tell you about her. I will. This is therapeutic. It ended with "Are you in love with me". Her, "No, I'm not". "Leave me be". I'll triage this one. Call it denial, but in a way, she still is. She just wants it over at this stage. But, I caused it, and actually don't regret it. Finally told her I'm not going on the shelf while she plays around with him, letting me know when she has time for me. Our first actual true blow-up. But, she and I are the same in this respect, we both have a tolerance cliff, I pushed her over first. Kind of glad I did. It's not as painful as the last breakups, each one gets easier. I hear her in the background pinging my phone, probably nothing I want to read. My guess, confirmation that she doesn't love me. More pushing me away so I will heal. I have nothing to go on but to believe it, but I know her. She's mostly pushing me off this ship so I can heal. But, I think she's glad I'm gone, so I'm not romanticizing it either. Sucks all the same. But, it was inevitable. This was wrong. My Mom, God, are right. Anyway, enough of my wallowing in sorrow. This too will pass, and thankfully I got here before I needed to be. Good night!

  4. #4
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    I was once in my car with my best friendís late 20ís daughter in law, headed out to pick up something he sent us to the store for. As we drove past another car, she yells out the window, ďThe struggle is real!Ē I look over and heís picking his nose. Almost wrecked laughing. Shortly after typing my last post, I thought to myself it will be a struggle not to show hurt or affection as I sit next to her going forward. Now what, do we talk? She asked about it, but I didnít bother to give her any answer to it. This one was your typical really bad, final blow-out you convince yourself youíll never do the next breakup because you are better than that. I did it. But, those pings I mentioned? The struggle isnít real. She makes everything better. This is her. This is love. If you are reading this, I hear the eye roll, Iíll waitÖ

    Are we broken up? Well, yes, no, kinda? I didnít keep the exact messages, Iím bitter like that and trash them as a way to somehow get back. But this is the jist.

    ďJamesĒ
    ďAre you ok?Ē
    ďIím hereĒ

    She wasnít getting back together with me. She isnít leaving him. In a major way, just wants me to f* off, certainly for tonight. She was pissed, hurt, remorseful, blaming us both, as much as I was. We both want nothing more than to make this emotional turmoil to j u s t f* s t o p. It was finally over. She was free, I can heal. But here she is. Not trying to ďfixĒ it, but make sure if I needed the emotional support, sheís still there.
    We didnít get back together. I told her Iím blogging about her. Itís what I do. And what does she do. She tells me she wants to read it. I said hell no. She asked again to read it. Didnít send her the link, just the three messages above. She said she was finally able to cry, and thanked me.
    So, as I type this now, Iím at my office, with her sitting next to me. Sheís in love with this guy. Good or bad, itís just she is. And trust me, itís awkward. Very awkward. But we are talking, texting, and working with this internal knowledge that we both love each other, and even though this guy is here to stay (for now, in my opinion. Speed kills), she hasnít let it change ďusĒ as the connection we have. Like, Iím all butt hurt this morning, and now Iím sitting here ok with it. Itís just what happened. No struggle. Not now at least.

    Yes, jealousy will return. Seething bitterness will return. Remorse, hurt, indifference. We all love those stages. Him and her, not me, will not settle well. But the point is, we are past the physical sex. What we both couldnít lose is the ďusĒ. Itís not the way either of us wanted it to go, but she cares more about not losing the spiritual us, and will let me struggle anyway I feel fit. But she isnít gone. Sheís just not all mine. And she is doing whatever I need to not feel abandoned, but sheís not backing down. Heís here, heís proud, sheís in love. No. Iím not going to sit back and say itís ok. Itís not. But, the us is too important to me.

    Looking forward to getting more into my thoughts about the past three years, things I like about relationships, things I donít, feelings about this. This blog wonít be all about Angie. But thereís a lot to know about her. She taught me so many things.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    The triage. This one isnít going to be easy for me. Every time I think I have it right, I discover my own head is my worst enemy. But Iím here to admit fault. This isnít to profess how I screwed up because sheís so perfect, but admitting fault to myself is when I identify changes I need to make. Itís long, you are welcome to not have interest. I donít want to read it either. But, since Angie and I are absolutely on speaking terms, Iím getting a lot of this ďand this is whyĒ from her, in kind way. You know what is amazing? This is as I want it to be. I can accept it and move forward with her, I can leave her, I can wait it out. Itís all up to me. She is ok with what I choose. After the complex, ugly blow out last night; who does this??? Who!?!?!

    Sheís in pain, I see it. Clearly my pain hurts her. No one wants to be why someone else hurts. The cage she lives in, whether it be marriage, me, anyone new, is what drives her to need freedom of choice. Meaning, she doesnít want someone to restrict her right now. She wants to be on her own, but not alone, just canít be. Again, no judgement, sheís doing what she must, staying where she is, caring for her children, respecting people within the boundaries placed. But you read that, right? The boundaries placed. Sometimes, for reasons no one but you is capable of understanding, you need space, time, no restrictions. Yeah, she signed up for it. So you might think accepting an open marriage, being ok with ďjust sexĒ, and looking the other direction is freedom. It is. It isnít. But, every time I thought I wasnít someone caging her in, I was as well. It wasnít about me telling her if I do or donít approve of something, it was about if I was in love enough to let her be herself, without finding pain in doing so. Not that I should sit back and take it, it means love her enough to not love her too much. This is where she is, this is what she needs. Evidently I wasnít doing that. Loving too much is a cage if you canít be loved enough to be free. Sheís complex.

    There were a few blunt-force blunders as well. I plead innocence and accept guilt. She wanted to feel my presence, physically and emotionally. Thatís a relationship. The physical was there, we spent every moment we could with each other during the work day, lunches, walks, outside the office every day possible. No topic of discussion out of question. Outside the office when we could. And thatís issue one. Sheíll make time if I ask. I would ask, but, is it the right thing to do? Small crack in the foundation. So, James, are you in or not? You know the situation, and helped create it. I would be, but with caution, and not often. Am I ripping a family apart? Would her kids think less of her if they found out one day? Her husband, nice guy, but there has to be a tolerance point where I find myself in the front end grill of an SUV. Am I damning myself to hell? She wants me all in. Donít worry, she has her husband on the same page, but you need to decide if youíre going to hell and decide if you can act. I mean, sheís incredibly hot, so of course I can handle this. (sarcasm) Otherwise, is she just a convenience for the times you can muster up courage? Itís how she felt. But there were complications on her side that did make it difficult as well. Went both ways. Except, this new guy seems to not have any issues. Kind of identifies who had more of a problem when it came to me and herÖ Really sealed the deal when she wanted me to come visit her on vacation once. Sounds just wrong, doesnít it? Go visit her, her kids, her husband while they are trying to enjoy time away. Nothing like giving the finger to the guy who is not holding her back from visiting me sexually. He didnít like it, but he was ok with it. Just couldnít do it. I have respect for this guy, itís not fear. But, again, are you in or not? Hate that about myself. Iím a confident man. Very comfortable with who I am. But I acted like a scared boy. Thatís hot, right?

    The emotional side was what did me in as well. The emotional connect is strong. We wouldnít have just had lunch today, and her explain it all to me, telling me sheís there, sheíll pick up the pieces again if she must. Even now, she wants me all in. But, she needs to know it. Sheís not always fair; call her a cheat, a hypocrite. Actually donít, Iím just saying. She wants her freedom, wants me all in. Here is where isnít not fair, so you have to choose. All in is all in. Let her know if youíre going out with someone else. She had issues with a few blind dates, concerns about me having sex and not telling her so she didnít feel stupid. Here I will plead a level of innocence. Even she would encourage me to not be exclusive. But, that is what she wants. Sometimes we donít realize what we really want. She needs to hear from me. She needs to know Iím thinking about her. Itís easy to reach out with messaging when itís new. After a while, we all get into a routine, let it slide, forget to randomly say I love you. I fed her insecurities, it fed her certainties. She felt more into me than I was her. You canít escape that happening at some point. She certainly flipped the script a little, right? But she was right. She needed to be treated as a woman. Was even hopeful Iíd be a little needy. Just wasnít, and that chipped away at the love. Everyone is different, she needs attention. And if she doesnít get it, she finds it.

    So, here I am. I saw her physically twice a year. Sheís now justified it into why that is the best for us. A one-off comment of mine gave birth to that months back. Damn it. Something tells me itís in my power to change it, if I choose to. Give it time, create a romantic environment. If sheís there, lift her skit and move from there. I know I have the permission. Again, if sheís there. But now thereís a third member to the group, and Iím stuck accepting that. And somehow, I feel selfish, but get why it kind of is. Odd, very very odd. Lessons learned.

  7. #6
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    Jacobís Laddder (1990) was a movie I hated when I first saw it, but got it after watching it a few more times, and could still get more out of it if I watched it again. The subtlety and significance of the open window, the calming peace from the chiropractor, the end with his son. This haunted man must ďdecipher reality and life from his own dreams, delusions, and perceptions of deathĒ (imdb.com/title/tt0099871). This is the movie that comes to mind.

    3:30 am. ďF* F* F* , c*ntÖ F*!!!!Ē. Demons are awake.

    Breakups have so many similarities, and I wonder how similar the witching hour is among us. I donít like this part of me because, itís only how I feel, itís not really me. This witching hour is what drives us all to be here, to find help, to get answers, eventually help someone else hurting. But itís that horrible hour of vulnerable thoughts, processing, and hauntings that we must go through to realize this is nothing different than we have been through in the past. If this is your first time, the birth of this process is added pain. We struggle as we decipher this, separate it from our dreams, discover our delusions, and realize itís over. The death of what it once was.

    Four weeks ago, Angie made a comment starting with, ďI am so in love with youÖĒ. Today, we are best friends. No one will ever read me or know me like her. And, I know her almost as well as she knows me. There were immediate signs. Surprise discovery of flirtations, immediate protection of him with deflection, generic offsets. ďWe were just ÖĒ. No where, when, how long. Itís best not to watch, because watching focuses you on pain. Not knowing leaves you only with how they are treating you. Some things you canít not notice. The missing of her car in the parking lot as I walked in. Used to give me excitement to get to my cube. The demonís front door. Sheís here, soÖ where is the car? Sheís moved it so you canít see her James. Sheís not parking here. Sheís meeting him and riding in together. See how that builds? See how dangerous that becomes? It processes your pain. Could be right, maybe Iím wrong. But the pain, the pain, how in the hell is this happening? This is your catalyst to the witching hour. This is how you give your demons their to-do list. I did everything I could to not know, not watch, just focus, but one demon will always bring more.

    In Jacobís Ladder, a scene was placed in the movie for the horror aspect. Heís driving his mail tuck while cars pass him, inside are black shadow figures of bodies with heads looking at him, their heads shaking back and forth so rapidly they are almost blurry. Heís confused, trying to understand. It was part of his pain. This is me at this very ugly hour. 3:10 am I wake from a peaceful dream. Angie is there, itís just somewhere, nothing in particular, be sheís there. Sheís who I know, her emotions are with me, we are at peace, we are doing something insignificant, we are in love. Eyes open, you grab your Angie pillow, the one that you hold because sheís not really there. I knew what I was signing up for, so this is it James. You want to go back to sleep and be with her again, you will be next to her at work, just a few more hours. The deamon wishes you a good morning by reminding you thereís a problem. The car. And, donít forget, she didnít say I love you back in your message. Please ping me right now, please ping me right now. She wonít James. She loves you, just not in love with you. Remember Sarah, your ex-wife? Remember that time she said that while naked in the tub with you? Then later said she was never in love with you. Donít worry. Angie isnít doing that. But that really sucked, didnít it? Or when Becky wrote you that note that said I love you, but you stupidly watched her and knew she was going out with that guy, and wasnít going to tell you until afterwards? Itís good Angie is at least open with you. Anyway, youíre tired, go back to sleep.

    The hour is hard. It worsens, you toss, you turn, you process, you know. Even if you donít watch, you think. You put your pieces together, and it starts making sense. That puzzle wasnít so hard, but you realize itís the picture you didnít want to see. Denial, itís not what you think. Itís f* 3:12 am. Demon #1, oh good, we can swear here. S*, I just went through all that in 2 minutes. What a b*, here I am just trying to sleep and youíre going to be why I canít? What the F*! Toss, turn, sleep another minute, roll, process, get up, lie back down, toss, think, think, think. Itís an anxiety attack in the making. Get up, go downstairs, take a melatonin, AmÖI having trouble breathing? Finally your wear yourself out, the sleep slowly returns, deamons fade, itís ok. Itís ok. Itís ok. See you tomorrow night James.

    This is the hardest part of a breakup and why Iím sharing this ugliness of mine. If anyone who reads this is relating, feeling this, confused, just know this is the process. Itís unpleasant, but the pain is the process necessary for you to let go. The chiropractor in Jacobís ladder was his guardian angel. ďIf youíre afraid of dying, and youíre holdin on, youíll see devils teariní your life away. But if youíve made peace, then the devils are really angels, freení you from the world. It all depends on how you look at it.Ē (Nov 2, 1990)
    Last edited by JamesDE; 09-07-2019 at 11:28 AM.

  8. #7
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    2013 Psychology Today published an article of the 5 stages of loss in a relationship

    1. Denial
    2. Anger
    3. Bargening
    4. Depression
    5. Acceptance

    [Register to see the link]

    We all know these too well. And they cycle many times over until Acceptance finally wins the cage match. Last night was bad.

    Yesterday I woke from a difficult night of thought. I typed my previous posting regarding demons, and in the middle of doing so Angie pings my phone and asks how my witching hour was. Heart skips a little. I tell her it wasnít so bad this time, and she responds with a remark about being glad not to lose her best friend. This is the third time she mentioned me as a friend, so the friend zoning is confirmed, and itís not my style. I have a best friend thank you. You are a best friend and a lover. I did what I need to do, indicate acceptance, and walk away. I told her going forward Iíll get coffee on my own and no more lunches. Iím out. It wasnít received well. As if sheís asking, what, youíre walking away from me? Yes, I am. No more. Iím not. I will not be downgraded to lunch and coffee. Clearly she didnít like it, and somehow hurt. Odd. She has this shiny new boyfriend, the official breakup proclamation has been spoken, and youíre hurt? She again insisted we are still having lunches together. Back and forth a little, she said soul mates arenít always those who have romantic sex. She canít lose our connection. I tried to get her to tell me directly Iím her soul mate. She would have, but our cosmic ability to understand each other has weakened and she didnít understand what I wanted. I asked if she love me, but she re-confirmed she is not in love with me anymore. I was numb.

    Later that night, the anger set in. Anger of how can this happen in such short time? Why donít I know why? How can we possibly go from me having full priority to now being relegated to needing permission from him to talk, to go out, for anything? Who the hell does he think he is? Emotions and bourbon donít match. Tried to internally lash out, with an ugly post here instead of your ex, but got slapped back into order with an infraction. I then did the worst thing and texted her to say sheís lucky she doesnít know what it said. She convinced me to call and I went off the rails. Drunken stuff I donít remember. And yet, she listened, she spoke, she let me go three hours to settle me enough to go to sleep. Whatever negative feeling Iíve given you about her, her heart is of pure gold.

    This morning she texted and asked I listen to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi. Beautiful breakup song. But it wasnít for me. She wanted me to understand it was for her. Her heart sunk when I said we are not doing lunches. In other words, sheís going through stages as well. How could that be? She has made her decision, but she fears me walking away? Sounds hypocritical, but Iíve told you she still needs me, and she doesnít want me out of her life. Here are my feelings. The first line, ďI'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save meĒ. Wait, that should be me, but she has been there the entire time for me. Not the way I wanted, but she caught me every single time and made sure I was not alone. If I leave, she feels she has no one to be there for her. Yeah, others are there, but itís me she still needs there. ďIt's easy to say, But it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain ď We all feel we can handle something before we ever need to. Iím learning it now. I donít know the meaning these words have for her, but for me, she promised me I may be lonely, but Iíll never be alone. Even after leaving me romantically, she stayed. She loved. She protected me. ďI let my guard down And then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you lovedĒ All day Iíve processed the idea that this actually has meaning to her as well as me. Even if this is her doing, lunch is all we ever really had, itís where we say our deepest thoughts. Itís where we have our only physical connection. Sheís in love with him, but maybe fears, or something, she canít do it without us. Iím not romanticizing this. Itís just what is in my head and it helps me find peace.

    If you are suffering right now, I wish for you to ask yourself, are you aware of the pain your loss is also going through? It may seem unimportant to you, if you are on the receiving end. But if you are so in love with this person, but hurt by your situation, are you considering they may have done this because your hurt (although justified), and your love was somehow selfish? Maybe you wanted all that you considered was best for you, and translated that into the best for the both of you? They are hurting as well, in a different way. They are losing you too. Unfortunately for us, their grieving is much shorter than ours, so live these stages, but understand, if you canít love enough to find a way to let go, you arenít as in love as you think.

    As a final thought, not the song, but he meaning of the song, for Angie, ran through my mind all day. Is she just unable to really let go as well, or is she fearful I will never come back? Or maybe she needs me there if this new relationship doesnít work. My mind was in and out of rational ideas, some made sense, some were thoughts I would never admit. In my heart, I wanted to believe she was saying that this breakup was to stop my pain, eventually taking me to a place in which I can love her freely. Sheís still in love with me as much as she was, only more so. She is just ending the pain. So beautiful, so brilliant.

    "Denial - In this phase, our heartórather than our headórules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person weíre losing."

    Be kind to yourself. There is no eloquent way of handling what we are experiencing.

  9. #8
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    Who, what, where, when, how? Why? Itís an interesting order of questions, put together by the method in which our minds process information. Typically becomes the root answers we need before we begin to move forward with action. And we make them critical questions as we discover we have a problem in our relationship, trying to put the pieces together. Who is she with? What are they doing? Ö Why? The last one. What looks to be the simplest one in the list is the hardest to answer. Why? Why? But why? And yet, until that has been answered to some level of understanding, we cannot reach our acceptance.

    Like our emotional stages, we sometimes circle three of these questions. What, where, when? What where when? What, where, when? It has been me. If this is you now, JUST STOP! Iíve warned you of the dangers of watching. The information you learn is meaningless and hurtful to yourself. It tells you everything you fear, it grows like a vicious parasite inside your inner sole until you produce more fears, which unless proven otherwise, become reality to you. If you instead focus on the question of ďhowĒ you will discover more. How are you are being treated? It answers more than you realize. It shows changes in attitude, interest, delivery of affection, and confirms to yourself whether you can accept your current reality. If itís not of your liking, maybe consider leaving it.

    The question you are most interested in is ďwhyĒ. The question of why is a simplistic way of asking, what was it about me? I enjoy videos from Coach Corey Wayne, Understanding Relationships, as I believe he has the most realistic and practical approach toward dating and marriage. One comment he mentions regularly is, ďAttraction is not a choice.Ē Iíve been struggling a lot with why Angie suddenly fell out of love. It wasnít sudden for her, it was just suddenly presented to me. Part of it is about me. I triaged my own mistakes, and she made them as well. But the question I could not still answer was ďwhy?Ē Today we spoke. She was frustrated as I continue to welcome her with an aura of attitude; almost as if I expect her to fix it if she doesnít like it. She asked me what emotional stage Iím in, which I responded with circular examples representing all of them. Iíve tried to walk away, yet she always pulls me back. She wonít let me walk, she wants me to accept and remain. Unfortunately, I fall a little more in love with who she once was because of it. But still, I donít understand any of this. Why is this happening? Her comment today, ďYou were the one who told me, attraction is not a choice.Ē I wish you could hear her voice, her accent. Iím pining, but even hearing her say these words, I fear I will never be as attracted to another womanís voice as I am hers. Still, the words hurt as they sunk in. The attraction wasnít her choice. She did make choices. She chose to pursue it, to challenge it, to accept it, to embrace it. She chose him over me. But the desire for it was not a choice. Answers to any remaining whyís are just a derivative of that.

    Today I started parking in a far off location, inconvenient for entry into the building, to force myself to build new neural patterns and start a mindset of change. Familiar entries are no longer allowed. As I walked out of work, I was sadden to notice the hallways we have travelled since we met, projecting the clicking of her heels echoing against the walls, have started to silence. The desire for our lunch hour is now tempered. I no longer allow my eyes to admire the elegance and softness in the curves of her legs. The swishing of her skirt can no longer lure me in a hypnotic way. Our love affair was destined for failure.

    However, the other day Angie did something precious. As I was doing random Sunday things, she pings my phone with the message ďA giftĒ. Followed was a picture of a skirt. Then the skirt torn. Finally one with it in the trash. It was the skirt she wore shortly after we first met when I first realized we had a strong attraction for each other. We were texting regularly, and from an innocent remark about something she liked about me, I told her I like the way her skirt moves when she leaves work. Her response, ďYou were watching?Ē I said yes, and she replied ďGood.Ē I couldnít stop thinking about her from that point. The pictures were of that skirt, but how is that a gift, I asked? Her response was that it is the skirt that first started our relationship, and has always been my favorite skirt because of that. The skirt she would wear for me whenever she knew I was going through something. These pictures were her way of assuring, that even though we are on a new path, no one else will ever be able to admire that skirt again. No one is ever allowed to see her in the way I did, because our relationship is precious to her. And, I agree. We are now soul mates, just not lovers.

    No more questions. As much as I wish it different, acceptance has entered the room and asked me if Iím ready to chat?
    Last edited by JamesDE; 09-09-2019 at 09:59 PM.

  10. #9
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    Iím a computer programmer and enjoy almost any geek-style humor. I bought a sweatshirt with the picture of Nikola Tesla next to Thomas Edison, with the letters ďAC/DCĒ below it (although the slash is a lightning bolt). The lettering and lightning bolt in the style similar to the logo for the rock group AC/DC. In case you donít get the joke, itís a parody on peopleís love of the rock group, but showing Nichola Tesla who invented our ability to transmit electricity in an alternating current (AC), with Thomas Edison who had already invented the direct current (DC) delivery. Although they worked together well at first, they eventually parted ways and a bitter feud erupted as it became apparent the capabilities of alternating current would soon outshine that of direct current. Nichola Teslaís technology would replace wide usage of existing direct current transmissions, becoming a household staple. To fight it, Thomas Edison would campaign for the usage of direct current using a cruel and brutal demonstration of electrifying an elephant with Teslaís alternating current method. This breakup was clearly ugly.

    I was walking to my car last night and noticed my legs had an odd sensation. I had gone to the gym that morning, but was late for a group exercise session, so instead I used the rowing machine for 30 minutes. Havenít used that in a while. Maybe thatís it? It was similar to the time I went through a divorce and was mowing the lawn the day after my ex let me know she was done with our marriage. Best I can describe it, is you feel like you are walking around as a ghost, almost touching the ground, but your legs feel like youíre walking through jello. Not sure what flavor. But it doesnít make sense, though, because Iím not trying to process what is going on as frantically, as I have over the past few weeks. Maybe Iím numb? Itís reminiscent to the other day when Angie restated sheís no longer in love with me. But this is different and I just couldnít put my finger on it. Almost calming in a way.

    I work fifty minutes from my home, so the car ride is my time to ponder on the day. I seldom play music as I drive, and especially not the radio, as I prefer the quiet over finding music for my mood or shouting commercials that just make me turn the radio back off. Lately Iíve used this time to formulate what I need to say in this journal. Journaling helps a lot because thoughts circle repetitively until I finally get them out, and then finally go away. This is my self-discovery time. This night, however, my thoughts were almost blank. I couldnít get any of them in one direction that clicked. When I arrived in my home town, I stopped at the local wholesale store just to walk around and see if I needed anything. Again, nothing in particular was going through my head. I arrived home, cleaned a little, sat down to type, and couldnít start. I eventually started down one path, but the thoughts were like a bobber in choppy water, travelling back and forth, up and down, with no intended direction. I was still fishing for something to say, so I just called it and went to sleep instead.

    This morning I finally discovered what is going on, and itís a positive step forward. Strong emotions have driven my desire to type, and I was confused why I had nothing to say. Am I no longer having strong emotions? No, I still do. This isnít a magical acceptance going on here, as I still feel many pangs of emotions about this. So, whatís up? It then suddenly clicked. The roller coaster emotions we feel as we experience a painful breakup, at least for me, gives your body the feeling you have licked your finger and stuck it into a light socket as far as you can. The back and forth, pulsating, sting traveling throughout your body, hopefully not so charged you become frozen to it, eventually dying. This is the best explanation I can give about what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a break-up. Itís our panic, itís our drive to know more, itís our pain. This day, however, that feeling was less. It still wasnít normal, but it was much less. I think my body is exhausted from the harsh emotions, and my mind is ready to move into a state that once again resembles normal. I can assure you, my sexual drive for Angie is as strong as before, but the acceptance of that not being a driving force in our relationship is starting to feel like normal. Quite frankly, I think this is our relationship maturing. Itís ok to be turned on by her every move, but itís also ok that those thoughts are no longer my freedom of choice. This is just a new chapter for us. Iím not extremely fond of it at this moment, but I would much rather have it this way than to lose her completely. That would turn into indifference, and indifference has no room between us. She feels guilty, I know, but she did what is best for her, and I find I actually want that for her. It cannot be forgotten she has held my hand the entire way, invited me to stay, and in ways I could type about all night, she has loved me in a non-sexual way that has meant more to me than anything we have ever done in the bedroom. Iím in love with her, Iím just not her lover, and I think Iím finding that normal. Maybe Iíll find I like it better. Itís working.

    There is no escape from the electrifying feelings that race through our bodies in a breakup. Although the physical feeling of it goes away, itís the power of it that lingers. Itís why we sometimes turn to hate. We feel the electricity, we become frozen, we panic, and think might die from it. But we donít. The electric strength of the break-up current subsides, we slowly come back to earth in our own way, on our own schedule, and the current stops. If you choose to love, then you donít have to become indifferent. Iím not campaigning that you should make attempts to stay in touch with your ex, I somehow have stars above me I donít deserve with Angie, but if you are the one breaking up with someone else, maybe look at what she has done for me. She has turned all of the pain into love. She wasnít a demon in any of this, and she would certainly throw up if I called her an angel, but she is to me. She helped me find a way to not lose her. How could I ever walk away from her now? I thank God she and I are nothing like my sweatshirt. If you have an ex struggling to accept it's over, Angie is someone you might want to learn a little from.
    Last edited by JamesDE; 09-11-2019 at 07:15 PM.

  11. #10
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    This morning I was watching the news when the weather report came on. The meteorologist mentioned tomorrowís high will be colder than the current morning temperature. An indication of change of seasons. As the cold front came in, a storm approached and rain came down. It was reflective of how the day was today. Unfortunately it just wasnít a good day for us.

    Like the seasons, sometimes we need to accept the changes ahead of us. Summer ends, Fall approaches, Winter arrives, and Spring brings new beginnings. Today was painful, but necessary. I will always love her for the way she has treated me. Unfortunately, like the seasons, itís time for change and I need to look forward to what the future may bring. Iím tired, so let me just end with a poem from my heart.

    The world we live in is in constant change.
    Change is inevitable and seasons adjust.
    The season past will live as a memory to love.
    Future seasons will not erase what we have done.
    We move forward, but we do not forget.
    The season of you I will never regret.

    I will always be in love with her. Especially for how she has never stopped loving me.

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