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So, this is happening...

 

Not sure what my purpose in this is, other than to have somewhere to blog about my situation. Not really looking for followers with this, but knowing someone may be reading what I say somehow "helps". Even if no one really is. Anyway, like everyone else, I've been here in the past due to a break-up, and here I am again; but this one is different. That's the point of my blog. All the signs of the breakup are there, but the situation is so out of the ordinary for me, I figured I'd tell my story and hopefully get it out of my head; stop the hauntings of it. Real names aren't going to be used.

 

Three and a half years ago I was on this site heavily, trying to get past a breakup. Learned a lot about breakups, and how I should have handled them better. Then I met Angie. She works right across from me, as a cube neighbor. A Russian hottie. Everyday skirts, with killer legs, high heels. No rose colored glasses here, she turns everyone's head. Problem from day one, she's married. So, let's get this straight, if you aren't able to go no judgement from here on out, this is your opportunity to stop here. Within three months we became exceptionally close. Best friends with a sexual tension that wouldn't go away. No clue why she was attracted to me, but she pulled me right out of a very dark place, and clearly was someone I wanted to be with. A lot of our attraction, for her, had to do with her feeling trapped in her marriage, her husband refusing to let go or accept her desire to leave, and staying for the better of the kids. In short, she told him if they can't separate, she wants an open marriage. He agreed. He knows all about me, her feelings for me. We even met and had a good conversation. He’s a solid guy. More of a man that I could be if I were him.

 

Over the past three and a half years, we have built an emotional bond I never felt. Yes, we had sex, but to this date, only seven times. Not because we didn't want it more, but a lot of it had to do with my hesitation with an open marriage. Being raised as a Christian by a very dedication Christian mother, there was an odd point in my mid-teens that would come back to me many times. For no reasons other than God speaking to me, through her, there was no rational as to why she once preached to me, passionately, that open marriages are wrong. I mean, there was one day where she was so adamant, I told her I'm not in an open marriage. Something really got into her about it. No clue if it had to do with my dad or not, but something made her preach about it to me, one of five children, and it clearly stuck. This always held me back with Angie, and always frustrated her about me. But, when we did have sex, there was no denying the two of us had chemistry and sexual compatibility that was remarkably strong. So much she would physically cry about her love for me.

 

Flash forward to now. We’ve consistently talked sex. She loves it. So much that when I don’t, she asks my why I’m not, and takes me right into that topic. Until three weeks ago. A guy she finds attractive asked her to lunch, and she accepted. I didn’t think much of it. She’s been to lunch with other guys, they feel her up every now and again, they make out. Never bothered me. I wasn’t fond of the idea of someone else having sex with her, but that never worked out for any of them, but was clearly something I would have to accept if it happened. But it never happening gave me a sense of superiority with her. They can all touch, but I got the true her under the sheets. So, when she started showing stronger sexual attraction for this new guy, my fur went up. But if it was just sex, then it just takes getting past the sting of it, and Angie is back to being mine. But, all the signs were saying “warning”. Comments that we should take a break, that I need to flirt with more women, I’m thinking too much about this and acting like a victim. But the ultimate sign, she no longer gravitated towards our discussions of sex. In an instant, we went from her occasionally giving me a panty shot as she sat back down at her desk, to practically diverting my sexual flirtations. This guy is a big problem for me now.

 

So, the point of where I’m going is this. This blog is only about this. About how I’m handling this situation. What I’ve learned from here, and what I’m doing to hopefully prevent being pushed out. There’s a lot going for me to keep her, but she is so into this dude I can’t tell if it’s fast and furious with an inevitable end, or if it’s a fast and furious end for me. Maybe we have run our course. Not sure. If you’re interested, you invited to ride along. I feel a little stupid typing this out, but again, it’s my way of getting it out of my head.

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What is it I know about breakups? From empirical evidence, a lot when it comes to me getting dumped. I’m pretty good at that. Not that I treat them poorly, but I have been the guy that women eventually move on from, like a lot of people. I think I have gravitated to repeating patterns of behavior in the past that become predictable and boring in a long term relationship. With that, and a lot of reading of experiences in here, there are patterns that indicate storms ahead. It’s always a curiosity up front that escalates like a bad drug habit. In the words of Axl Rose, “I used to do a little, but a little wasn’t doing, so a little got a little bit more”.

 

Patterns for me started with someone showing up and the remarks from her of a “why is he contacting me?” Her meaning past relationship “her”. Not Angie. Up front, there’s not much to worry about. Sometimes it’s a hello, sometimes a “really good to hear from him”. But one thing that turns me aware is an increase in mentioning of their name. Usually about a funny comment they made, or an “I don’t understand why he is texting me” remark that is said more than once. If it drops off, it just means they were enjoying the conversations, but nothing to really think about. But when they don’t drop off, but increase, of course you’re aware of it. And when those remarks suddenly stop, that is when I suddenly start watching how much the phone is being picked up. The presenting condition is usually along the lines of some reasonable negative attitude as to why he keeps reaching out, but are really more symptoms of her not stopping it either.

 

General warning signs of escalation become concerning. Levels of comparison about me being made, obvious things like “it’s just text messages”, and defensiveness about being questioned. Along the lines of it not being my business, so stop asking. This is where I frequently went wrong. Instead of making it clear I’m asking because I feel a level of discomfort with it, I used to sit back and just watch a little more, questioning if I’m just over-reacting, being needy, stuff like that. Then the slight increase in lacking interest about me, average responses to things we find interesting, levels of boredom about what we do. Comments about how we need to do new things. Signs I could have actually acted on and maybe turned things around in the past. Maybe take them up on that and surprise them with something new and fun!?! Within reason. You should never bribe. It only shows you actually are needy.

 

Anyway, then there is the solid indications of a problem at hand. The “its just…”. It was just a discussion, it was just a drink, it was just dinner. At this stage it’s clearly working into just sex, but if you’re here, you are way past the point of when you should have noticed the problem. Their questioning of the relationship by spending time with the other guy, then coming back and being flirtatious with me as confirmation we are still ok, likely wondering if they should stop. An increase in arguments, criticisms, boredom. Loooove the “we should take a break”, and, “maybe we need a hall pass”. Wish I could go back and tell myself to give it to them. Stop trying to block it, it isn’t working of you.

 

Finally, the end. Looks of disgust at random times, clear unease being around each other, no interest in the least in getting out. Here is where I wish I would have just called it. My goodness, there’s nothing left to be saved, but I tried. I look back and cringe at myself. The way I would still convince myself it’s not over. Ugh. This is when I started reading many of the stories here. You just can’t avoid finding similarities with throughout. There were plenty of stories where I was extremely grateful not to have their problem, but in the end, breakups are similar. Stories here were a huge eye opener for me. Things that people try, I tried, and breakups people go through in ways I would have tried if possible. Biggest eye opener for me was most of the “getting back with your ex” stories were about how it hurts worse after they breakup the second time.

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Ok, so, it's over. Didn't even get a chance to tell you about her. I will. This is therapeutic. It ended with "Are you in love with me". Her, "No, I'm not". "Leave me be". I'll triage this one. Call it denial, but in a way, she still is. She just wants it over at this stage. But, I caused it, and actually don't regret it. Finally told her I'm not going on the shelf while she plays around with him, letting me know when she has time for me. Our first actual true blow-up. But, she and I are the same in this respect, we both have a tolerance cliff, I pushed her over first. Kind of glad I did. It's not as painful as the last breakups, each one gets easier. I hear her in the background pinging my phone, probably nothing I want to read. My guess, confirmation that she doesn't love me. More pushing me away so I will heal. I have nothing to go on but to believe it, but I know her. She's mostly pushing me off this ship so I can heal. But, I think she's glad I'm gone, so I'm not romanticizing it either. Sucks all the same. But, it was inevitable. This was wrong. My Mom, God, are right. Anyway, enough of my wallowing in sorrow. This too will pass, and thankfully I got here before I needed to be. Good night!

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I was once in my car with my best friend’s late 20’s daughter in law, headed out to pick up something he sent us to the store for. As we drove past another car, she yells out the window, “The struggle is real!” I look over and he’s picking his nose. Almost wrecked laughing. Shortly after typing my last post, I thought to myself it will be a struggle not to show hurt or affection as I sit next to her going forward. Now what, do we talk? She asked about it, but I didn’t bother to give her any answer to it. This one was your typical really bad, final blow-out you convince yourself you’ll never do the next breakup because you are better than that. I did it. But, those pings I mentioned? The struggle isn’t real. She makes everything better. This is her. This is love. If you are reading this, I hear the eye roll, I’ll wait…

 

Are we broken up? Well, yes, no, kinda? I didn’t keep the exact messages, I’m bitter like that and trash them as a way to somehow get back. But this is the jist.

 

“James”

“Are you ok?”

“I’m here”

 

She wasn’t getting back together with me. She isn’t leaving him. In a major way, just wants me to f* off, certainly for tonight. She was pissed, hurt, remorseful, blaming us both, as much as I was. We both want nothing more than to make this emotional turmoil to j u s t f* s t o p. It was finally over. She was free, I can heal. But here she is. Not trying to “fix” it, but make sure if I needed the emotional support, she’s still there.

We didn’t get back together. I told her I’m blogging about her. It’s what I do. And what does she do. She tells me she wants to read it. I said hell no. She asked again to read it. Didn’t send her the link, just the three messages above. She said she was finally able to cry, and thanked me.

So, as I type this now, I’m at my office, with her sitting next to me. She’s in love with this guy. Good or bad, it’s just she is. And trust me, it’s awkward. Very awkward. But we are talking, texting, and working with this internal knowledge that we both love each other, and even though this guy is here to stay (for now, in my opinion. Speed kills), she hasn’t let it change “us” as the connection we have. Like, I’m all butt hurt this morning, and now I’m sitting here ok with it. It’s just what happened. No struggle. Not now at least.

 

Yes, jealousy will return. Seething bitterness will return. Remorse, hurt, indifference. We all love those stages. Him and her, not me, will not settle well. But the point is, we are past the physical sex. What we both couldn’t lose is the “us”. It’s not the way either of us wanted it to go, but she cares more about not losing the spiritual us, and will let me struggle anyway I feel fit. But she isn’t gone. She’s just not all mine. And she is doing whatever I need to not feel abandoned, but she’s not backing down. He’s here, he’s proud, she’s in love. No. I’m not going to sit back and say it’s ok. It’s not. But, the us is too important to me.

 

Looking forward to getting more into my thoughts about the past three years, things I like about relationships, things I don’t, feelings about this. This blog won’t be all about Angie. But there’s a lot to know about her. She taught me so many things.

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The triage. This one isn’t going to be easy for me. Every time I think I have it right, I discover my own head is my worst enemy. But I’m here to admit fault. This isn’t to profess how I screwed up because she’s so perfect, but admitting fault to myself is when I identify changes I need to make. It’s long, you are welcome to not have interest. I don’t want to read it either. But, since Angie and I are absolutely on speaking terms, I’m getting a lot of this “and this is why” from her, in kind way. You know what is amazing? This is as I want it to be. I can accept it and move forward with her, I can leave her, I can wait it out. It’s all up to me. She is ok with what I choose. After the complex, ugly blow out last night; who does this??? Who!?!?!

 

She’s in pain, I see it. Clearly my pain hurts her. No one wants to be why someone else hurts. The cage she lives in, whether it be marriage, me, anyone new, is what drives her to need freedom of choice. Meaning, she doesn’t want someone to restrict her right now. She wants to be on her own, but not alone, just can’t be. Again, no judgement, she’s doing what she must, staying where she is, caring for her children, respecting people within the boundaries placed. But you read that, right? The boundaries placed. Sometimes, for reasons no one but you is capable of understanding, you need space, time, no restrictions. Yeah, she signed up for it. So you might think accepting an open marriage, being ok with “just sex”, and looking the other direction is freedom. It is. It isn’t. But, every time I thought I wasn’t someone caging her in, I was as well. It wasn’t about me telling her if I do or don’t approve of something, it was about if I was in love enough to let her be herself, without finding pain in doing so. Not that I should sit back and take it, it means love her enough to not love her too much. This is where she is, this is what she needs. Evidently I wasn’t doing that. Loving too much is a cage if you can’t be loved enough to be free. She’s complex.

 

There were a few blunt-force blunders as well. I plead innocence and accept guilt. She wanted to feel my presence, physically and emotionally. That’s a relationship. The physical was there, we spent every moment we could with each other during the work day, lunches, walks, outside the office every day possible. No topic of discussion out of question. Outside the office when we could. And that’s issue one. She’ll make time if I ask. I would ask, but, is it the right thing to do? Small crack in the foundation. So, James, are you in or not? You know the situation, and helped create it. I would be, but with caution, and not often. Am I ripping a family apart? Would her kids think less of her if they found out one day? Her husband, nice guy, but there has to be a tolerance point where I find myself in the front end grill of an SUV. Am I damning myself to hell? She wants me all in. Don’t worry, she has her husband on the same page, but you need to decide if you’re going to hell and decide if you can act. I mean, she’s incredibly hot, so of course I can handle this. (sarcasm) Otherwise, is she just a convenience for the times you can muster up courage? It’s how she felt. But there were complications on her side that did make it difficult as well. Went both ways. Except, this new guy seems to not have any issues. Kind of identifies who had more of a problem when it came to me and her… Really sealed the deal when she wanted me to come visit her on vacation once. Sounds just wrong, doesn’t it? Go visit her, her kids, her husband while they are trying to enjoy time away. Nothing like giving the finger to the guy who is not holding her back from visiting me sexually. He didn’t like it, but he was ok with it. Just couldn’t do it. I have respect for this guy, it’s not fear. But, again, are you in or not? Hate that about myself. I’m a confident man. Very comfortable with who I am. But I acted like a scared boy. That’s hot, right?

 

The emotional side was what did me in as well. The emotional connect is strong. We wouldn’t have just had lunch today, and her explain it all to me, telling me she’s there, she’ll pick up the pieces again if she must. Even now, she wants me all in. But, she needs to know it. She’s not always fair; call her a cheat, a hypocrite. Actually don’t, I’m just saying. She wants her freedom, wants me all in. Here is where isn’t not fair, so you have to choose. All in is all in. Let her know if you’re going out with someone else. She had issues with a few blind dates, concerns about me having sex and not telling her so she didn’t feel stupid. Here I will plead a level of innocence. Even she would encourage me to not be exclusive. But, that is what she wants. Sometimes we don’t realize what we really want. She needs to hear from me. She needs to know I’m thinking about her. It’s easy to reach out with messaging when it’s new. After a while, we all get into a routine, let it slide, forget to randomly say I love you. I fed her insecurities, it fed her certainties. She felt more into me than I was her. You can’t escape that happening at some point. She certainly flipped the script a little, right? But she was right. She needed to be treated as a woman. Was even hopeful I’d be a little needy. Just wasn’t, and that chipped away at the love. Everyone is different, she needs attention. And if she doesn’t get it, she finds it.

 

So, here I am. I saw her physically twice a year. She’s now justified it into why that is the best for us. A one-off comment of mine gave birth to that months back. Damn it. Something tells me it’s in my power to change it, if I choose to. Give it time, create a romantic environment. If she’s there, lift her skit and move from there. I know I have the permission. Again, if she’s there. But now there’s a third member to the group, and I’m stuck accepting that. And somehow, I feel selfish, but get why it kind of is. Odd, very very odd. Lessons learned.

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Jacob’s Laddder (1990) was a movie I hated when I first saw it, but got it after watching it a few more times, and could still get more out of it if I watched it again. The subtlety and significance of the open window, the calming peace from the chiropractor, the end with his son. This haunted man must “decipher reality and life from his own dreams, delusions, and perceptions of death” (imdb.com/title/tt0099871). This is the movie that comes to mind.

 

3:30 am. “F* F* F* , c*nt… F*!!!!”. Demons are awake.

 

Breakups have so many similarities, and I wonder how similar the witching hour is among us. I don’t like this part of me because, it’s only how I feel, it’s not really me. This witching hour is what drives us all to be here, to find help, to get answers, eventually help someone else hurting. But it’s that horrible hour of vulnerable thoughts, processing, and hauntings that we must go through to realize this is nothing different than we have been through in the past. If this is your first time, the birth of this process is added pain. We struggle as we decipher this, separate it from our dreams, discover our delusions, and realize it’s over. The death of what it once was.

 

Four weeks ago, Angie made a comment starting with, “I am so in love with you…”. Today, we are best friends. No one will ever read me or know me like her. And, I know her almost as well as she knows me. There were immediate signs. Surprise discovery of flirtations, immediate protection of him with deflection, generic offsets. “We were just …”. No where, when, how long. It’s best not to watch, because watching focuses you on pain. Not knowing leaves you only with how they are treating you. Some things you can’t not notice. The missing of her car in the parking lot as I walked in. Used to give me excitement to get to my cube. The demon’s front door. She’s here, so… where is the car? She’s moved it so you can’t see her James. She’s not parking here. She’s meeting him and riding in together. See how that builds? See how dangerous that becomes? It processes your pain. Could be right, maybe I’m wrong. But the pain, the pain, how in the hell is this happening? This is your catalyst to the witching hour. This is how you give your demons their to-do list. I did everything I could to not know, not watch, just focus, but one demon will always bring more.

 

In Jacob’s Ladder, a scene was placed in the movie for the horror aspect. He’s driving his mail tuck while cars pass him, inside are black shadow figures of bodies with heads looking at him, their heads shaking back and forth so rapidly they are almost blurry. He’s confused, trying to understand. It was part of his pain. This is me at this very ugly hour. 3:10 am I wake from a peaceful dream. Angie is there, it’s just somewhere, nothing in particular, be she’s there. She’s who I know, her emotions are with me, we are at peace, we are doing something insignificant, we are in love. Eyes open, you grab your Angie pillow, the one that you hold because she’s not really there. I knew what I was signing up for, so this is it James. You want to go back to sleep and be with her again, you will be next to her at work, just a few more hours. The deamon wishes you a good morning by reminding you there’s a problem. The car. And, don’t forget, she didn’t say I love you back in your message. Please ping me right now, please ping me right now. She won’t James. She loves you, just not in love with you. Remember Sarah, your ex-wife? Remember that time she said that while naked in the tub with you? Then later said she was never in love with you. Don’t worry. Angie isn’t doing that. But that really sucked, didn’t it? Or when Becky wrote you that note that said I love you, but you stupidly watched her and knew she was going out with that guy, and wasn’t going to tell you until afterwards? It’s good Angie is at least open with you. Anyway, you’re tired, go back to sleep.

 

The hour is hard. It worsens, you toss, you turn, you process, you know. Even if you don’t watch, you think. You put your pieces together, and it starts making sense. That puzzle wasn’t so hard, but you realize it’s the picture you didn’t want to see. Denial, it’s not what you think. It’s f* 3:12 am. Demon #1, oh good, we can swear here. S*, I just went through all that in 2 minutes. What a b*, here I am just trying to sleep and you’re going to be why I can’t? What the F*! Toss, turn, sleep another minute, roll, process, get up, lie back down, toss, think, think, think. It’s an anxiety attack in the making. Get up, go downstairs, take a melatonin, Am…I having trouble breathing? Finally your wear yourself out, the sleep slowly returns, deamons fade, it’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. See you tomorrow night James.

 

This is the hardest part of a breakup and why I’m sharing this ugliness of mine. If anyone who reads this is relating, feeling this, confused, just know this is the process. It’s unpleasant, but the pain is the process necessary for you to let go. The chiropractor in Jacob’s ladder was his guardian angel. “If you’re afraid of dying, and you’re holdin on, you’ll see devils tearin’ your life away. But if you’ve made peace, then the devils are really angels, freen’ you from the world. It all depends on how you look at it.” (Nov 2, 1990)

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2013 Psychology Today published an article of the 5 stages of loss in a relationship

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargening

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship

 

We all know these too well. And they cycle many times over until Acceptance finally wins the cage match. Last night was bad.

 

Yesterday I woke from a difficult night of thought. I typed my previous posting regarding demons, and in the middle of doing so Angie pings my phone and asks how my witching hour was. Heart skips a little. I tell her it wasn’t so bad this time, and she responds with a remark about being glad not to lose her best friend. This is the third time she mentioned me as a friend, so the friend zoning is confirmed, and it’s not my style. I have a best friend thank you. You are a best friend and a lover. I did what I need to do, indicate acceptance, and walk away. I told her going forward I’ll get coffee on my own and no more lunches. I’m out. It wasn’t received well. As if she’s asking, what, you’re walking away from me? Yes, I am. No more. I’m not. I will not be downgraded to lunch and coffee. Clearly she didn’t like it, and somehow hurt. Odd. She has this shiny new boyfriend, the official breakup proclamation has been spoken, and you’re hurt? She again insisted we are still having lunches together. Back and forth a little, she said soul mates aren’t always those who have romantic sex. She can’t lose our connection. I tried to get her to tell me directly I’m her soul mate. She would have, but our cosmic ability to understand each other has weakened and she didn’t understand what I wanted. I asked if she love me, but she re-confirmed she is not in love with me anymore. I was numb.

 

Later that night, the anger set in. Anger of how can this happen in such short time? Why don’t I know why? How can we possibly go from me having full priority to now being relegated to needing permission from him to talk, to go out, for anything? Who the hell does he think he is? Emotions and bourbon don’t match. Tried to internally lash out, with an ugly post here instead of your ex, but got slapped back into order with an infraction. I then did the worst thing and texted her to say she’s lucky she doesn’t know what it said. She convinced me to call and I went off the rails. Drunken stuff I don’t remember. And yet, she listened, she spoke, she let me go three hours to settle me enough to go to sleep. Whatever negative feeling I’ve given you about her, her heart is of pure gold.

 

This morning she texted and asked I listen to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi. Beautiful breakup song. But it wasn’t for me. She wanted me to understand it was for her. Her heart sunk when I said we are not doing lunches. In other words, she’s going through stages as well. How could that be? She has made her decision, but she fears me walking away? Sounds hypocritical, but I’ve told you she still needs me, and she doesn’t want me out of her life. Here are my feelings. The first line, “I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me”. Wait, that should be me, but she has been there the entire time for me. Not the way I wanted, but she caught me every single time and made sure I was not alone. If I leave, she feels she has no one to be there for her. Yeah, others are there, but it’s me she still needs there. “It's easy to say, But it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain “ We all feel we can handle something before we ever need to. I’m learning it now. I don’t know the meaning these words have for her, but for me, she promised me I may be lonely, but I’ll never be alone. Even after leaving me romantically, she stayed. She loved. She protected me. “I let my guard down And then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved” All day I’ve processed the idea that this actually has meaning to her as well as me. Even if this is her doing, lunch is all we ever really had, it’s where we say our deepest thoughts. It’s where we have our only physical connection. She’s in love with him, but maybe fears, or something, she can’t do it without us. I’m not romanticizing this. It’s just what is in my head and it helps me find peace.

 

If you are suffering right now, I wish for you to ask yourself, are you aware of the pain your loss is also going through? It may seem unimportant to you, if you are on the receiving end. But if you are so in love with this person, but hurt by your situation, are you considering they may have done this because your hurt (although justified), and your love was somehow selfish? Maybe you wanted all that you considered was best for you, and translated that into the best for the both of you? They are hurting as well, in a different way. They are losing you too. Unfortunately for us, their grieving is much shorter than ours, so live these stages, but understand, if you can’t love enough to find a way to let go, you aren’t as in love as you think.

 

As a final thought, not the song, but he meaning of the song, for Angie, ran through my mind all day. Is she just unable to really let go as well, or is she fearful I will never come back? Or maybe she needs me there if this new relationship doesn’t work. My mind was in and out of rational ideas, some made sense, some were thoughts I would never admit. In my heart, I wanted to believe she was saying that this breakup was to stop my pain, eventually taking me to a place in which I can love her freely. She’s still in love with me as much as she was, only more so. She is just ending the pain. So beautiful, so brilliant.

 

"Denial - In this phase, our heart—rather than our head—rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing."

 

Be kind to yourself. There is no eloquent way of handling what we are experiencing.

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Who, what, where, when, how? Why? It’s an interesting order of questions, put together by the method in which our minds process information. Typically becomes the root answers we need before we begin to move forward with action. And we make them critical questions as we discover we have a problem in our relationship, trying to put the pieces together. Who is she with? What are they doing? … Why? The last one. What looks to be the simplest one in the list is the hardest to answer. Why? Why? But why? And yet, until that has been answered to some level of understanding, we cannot reach our acceptance.

 

Like our emotional stages, we sometimes circle three of these questions. What, where, when? What where when? What, where, when? It has been me. If this is you now, JUST STOP! I’ve warned you of the dangers of watching. The information you learn is meaningless and hurtful to yourself. It tells you everything you fear, it grows like a vicious parasite inside your inner sole until you produce more fears, which unless proven otherwise, become reality to you. If you instead focus on the question of “how” you will discover more. How are you are being treated? It answers more than you realize. It shows changes in attitude, interest, delivery of affection, and confirms to yourself whether you can accept your current reality. If it’s not of your liking, maybe consider leaving it.

 

The question you are most interested in is “why”. The question of why is a simplistic way of asking, what was it about me? I enjoy videos from Coach Corey Wayne, Understanding Relationships, as I believe he has the most realistic and practical approach toward dating and marriage. One comment he mentions regularly is, “Attraction is not a choice.” I’ve been struggling a lot with why Angie suddenly fell out of love. It wasn’t sudden for her, it was just suddenly presented to me. Part of it is about me. I triaged my own mistakes, and she made them as well. But the question I could not still answer was “why?” Today we spoke. She was frustrated as I continue to welcome her with an aura of attitude; almost as if I expect her to fix it if she doesn’t like it. She asked me what emotional stage I’m in, which I responded with circular examples representing all of them. I’ve tried to walk away, yet she always pulls me back. She won’t let me walk, she wants me to accept and remain. Unfortunately, I fall a little more in love with who she once was because of it. But still, I don’t understand any of this. Why is this happening? Her comment today, “You were the one who told me, attraction is not a choice.” I wish you could hear her voice, her accent. I’m pining, but even hearing her say these words, I fear I will never be as attracted to another woman’s voice as I am hers. Still, the words hurt as they sunk in. The attraction wasn’t her choice. She did make choices. She chose to pursue it, to challenge it, to accept it, to embrace it. She chose him over me. But the desire for it was not a choice. Answers to any remaining why’s are just a derivative of that.

 

Today I started parking in a far off location, inconvenient for entry into the building, to force myself to build new neural patterns and start a mindset of change. Familiar entries are no longer allowed. As I walked out of work, I was sadden to notice the hallways we have travelled since we met, projecting the clicking of her heels echoing against the walls, have started to silence. The desire for our lunch hour is now tempered. I no longer allow my eyes to admire the elegance and softness in the curves of her legs. The swishing of her skirt can no longer lure me in a hypnotic way. Our love affair was destined for failure.

 

However, the other day Angie did something precious. As I was doing random Sunday things, she pings my phone with the message “A gift”. Followed was a picture of a skirt. Then the skirt torn. Finally one with it in the trash. It was the skirt she wore shortly after we first met when I first realized we had a strong attraction for each other. We were texting regularly, and from an innocent remark about something she liked about me, I told her I like the way her skirt moves when she leaves work. Her response, “You were watching?” I said yes, and she replied “Good.” I couldn’t stop thinking about her from that point. The pictures were of that skirt, but how is that a gift, I asked? Her response was that it is the skirt that first started our relationship, and has always been my favorite skirt because of that. The skirt she would wear for me whenever she knew I was going through something. These pictures were her way of assuring, that even though we are on a new path, no one else will ever be able to admire that skirt again. No one is ever allowed to see her in the way I did, because our relationship is precious to her. And, I agree. We are now soul mates, just not lovers.

 

No more questions. As much as I wish it different, acceptance has entered the room and asked me if I’m ready to chat?

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I’m a computer programmer and enjoy almost any geek-style humor. I bought a sweatshirt with the picture of Nikola Tesla next to Thomas Edison, with the letters “AC/DC” below it (although the slash is a lightning bolt). The lettering and lightning bolt in the style similar to the logo for the rock group AC/DC. In case you don’t get the joke, it’s a parody on people’s love of the rock group, but showing Nichola Tesla who invented our ability to transmit electricity in an alternating current (AC), with Thomas Edison who had already invented the direct current (DC) delivery. Although they worked together well at first, they eventually parted ways and a bitter feud erupted as it became apparent the capabilities of alternating current would soon outshine that of direct current. Nichola Tesla’s technology would replace wide usage of existing direct current transmissions, becoming a household staple. To fight it, Thomas Edison would campaign for the usage of direct current using a cruel and brutal demonstration of electrifying an elephant with Tesla’s alternating current method. This breakup was clearly ugly.

 

I was walking to my car last night and noticed my legs had an odd sensation. I had gone to the gym that morning, but was late for a group exercise session, so instead I used the rowing machine for 30 minutes. Haven’t used that in a while. Maybe that’s it? It was similar to the time I went through a divorce and was mowing the lawn the day after my ex let me know she was done with our marriage. Best I can describe it, is you feel like you are walking around as a ghost, almost touching the ground, but your legs feel like you’re walking through jello. Not sure what flavor. But it doesn’t make sense, though, because I’m not trying to process what is going on as frantically, as I have over the past few weeks. Maybe I’m numb? It’s reminiscent to the other day when Angie restated she’s no longer in love with me. But this is different and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Almost calming in a way.

 

I work fifty minutes from my home, so the car ride is my time to ponder on the day. I seldom play music as I drive, and especially not the radio, as I prefer the quiet over finding music for my mood or shouting commercials that just make me turn the radio back off. Lately I’ve used this time to formulate what I need to say in this journal. Journaling helps a lot because thoughts circle repetitively until I finally get them out, and then finally go away. This is my self-discovery time. This night, however, my thoughts were almost blank. I couldn’t get any of them in one direction that clicked. When I arrived in my home town, I stopped at the local wholesale store just to walk around and see if I needed anything. Again, nothing in particular was going through my head. I arrived home, cleaned a little, sat down to type, and couldn’t start. I eventually started down one path, but the thoughts were like a bobber in choppy water, travelling back and forth, up and down, with no intended direction. I was still fishing for something to say, so I just called it and went to sleep instead.

 

This morning I finally discovered what is going on, and it’s a positive step forward. Strong emotions have driven my desire to type, and I was confused why I had nothing to say. Am I no longer having strong emotions? No, I still do. This isn’t a magical acceptance going on here, as I still feel many pangs of emotions about this. So, what’s up? It then suddenly clicked. The roller coaster emotions we feel as we experience a painful breakup, at least for me, gives your body the feeling you have licked your finger and stuck it into a light socket as far as you can. The back and forth, pulsating, sting traveling throughout your body, hopefully not so charged you become frozen to it, eventually dying. This is the best explanation I can give about what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a break-up. It’s our panic, it’s our drive to know more, it’s our pain. This day, however, that feeling was less. It still wasn’t normal, but it was much less. I think my body is exhausted from the harsh emotions, and my mind is ready to move into a state that once again resembles normal. I can assure you, my sexual drive for Angie is as strong as before, but the acceptance of that not being a driving force in our relationship is starting to feel like normal. Quite frankly, I think this is our relationship maturing. It’s ok to be turned on by her every move, but it’s also ok that those thoughts are no longer my freedom of choice. This is just a new chapter for us. I’m not extremely fond of it at this moment, but I would much rather have it this way than to lose her completely. That would turn into indifference, and indifference has no room between us. She feels guilty, I know, but she did what is best for her, and I find I actually want that for her. It cannot be forgotten she has held my hand the entire way, invited me to stay, and in ways I could type about all night, she has loved me in a non-sexual way that has meant more to me than anything we have ever done in the bedroom. I’m in love with her, I’m just not her lover, and I think I’m finding that normal. Maybe I’ll find I like it better. It’s working.

 

There is no escape from the electrifying feelings that race through our bodies in a breakup. Although the physical feeling of it goes away, it’s the power of it that lingers. It’s why we sometimes turn to hate. We feel the electricity, we become frozen, we panic, and think might die from it. But we don’t. The electric strength of the break-up current subsides, we slowly come back to earth in our own way, on our own schedule, and the current stops. If you choose to love, then you don’t have to become indifferent. I’m not campaigning that you should make attempts to stay in touch with your ex, I somehow have stars above me I don’t deserve with Angie, but if you are the one breaking up with someone else, maybe look at what she has done for me. She has turned all of the pain into love. She wasn’t a demon in any of this, and she would certainly throw up if I called her an angel, but she is to me. She helped me find a way to not lose her. How could I ever walk away from her now? I thank God she and I are nothing like my sweatshirt. If you have an ex struggling to accept it's over, Angie is someone you might want to learn a little from.

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This morning I was watching the news when the weather report came on. The meteorologist mentioned tomorrow’s high will be colder than the current morning temperature. An indication of change of seasons. As the cold front came in, a storm approached and rain came down. It was reflective of how the day was today. Unfortunately it just wasn’t a good day for us.

 

Like the seasons, sometimes we need to accept the changes ahead of us. Summer ends, Fall approaches, Winter arrives, and Spring brings new beginnings. Today was painful, but necessary. I will always love her for the way she has treated me. Unfortunately, like the seasons, it’s time for change and I need to look forward to what the future may bring. I’m tired, so let me just end with a poem from my heart.

 

The world we live in is in constant change.

Change is inevitable and seasons adjust.

The season past will live as a memory to love.

Future seasons will not erase what we have done.

We move forward, but we do not forget.

The season of you I will never regret.

 

I will always be in love with her. Especially for how she has never stopped loving me.

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Eckhart Tolle is a German born spiritual teacher who wrote a book titled “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment”. It’s a guide on how to handle every day stress and “… the importance of living in the present moment and transcending thoughts of the past and future” (Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Power_of_Now). I have read it only once, and I intend to read it again. It roots in a “belief system based on living in the present moment”. The anxieties of the past and future prevent us from focusing on who we are today; creating the roots of our emotional issues. Our ego is our denial and destruction. Finding oneself from the past isn’t possible, we must arrive into the present, the now, for the now has always been who we are. In addition, the future can prevent us from living in the now, as we anticipate difficulties ahead. Waiting, expecting, hoping, is a state of mind we must allow ourselves to snap out of (Tolle, Wikipedia). I’m struggling. It’s part of the healing process. But this weekend was awesome.

 

My best friend of over 25 years visited me, and it was exactly what I needed. He’s going through struggles as well, and his struggles make me feel my struggles are sub-par. Misery loves company, but this wasn’t a weekend for that. He lives in another state, but his job was not kind and he found himself out of work. As he stresses to find a job, he returned to my area looking for work and wanted to hang out for a few days, and I was more than willing to offer an extra room. He has been a friend of over 25 years, I’ve known him since I graduated college, and we know each other on an equal level. He’s someone I’ve always admired for his ability to land on his feet. Unfortunately, his landings are not always quickly. His calm demeanor is inspiring, he never stresses outwardly; but surprisingly, I think he needed me more than I needed him. Over the past two days, we recovered past laughter which drove our bonding over the years. We ate bar food, drank beer, included my twenty-year-old son and taught him nuances of our interactions, hidden from him by the innocence of younger years. It was a bonding time for the three of us. The unintended falling into the moments of now arrived instantly, and was compounded with the inclusion of my son. My son learned minor nuances about friendship as men, as he was included in interactive discussions of our approach towards life. Later, after my son left to spend time with his mother (I’m divorced), my friend and I spent time at a favorite bar, drinking, discussing, and later smoking cigars. No clue what we were doing next, changing our minds and direction of destination every half hour, just taking each moment and acting on it in a way that served us best. For me, it was really good to see him find a moment of peace, and for him, he was glad to be there as we both escaped from our inner self’s. It was the process of experiencing the now, living it, allowing it to guide us, and letting the future exist as it arrives. This weekend flew by.

 

When returning to my car, after taking my friend back to where he is staying this week, the silence inside of it was quite loud. The stale smell of cigar smoke from the past day lingered. I don’t smoke, but this weekend was an exception for the both of us, and the smell was a trigger that the weekend is nearing an end. I started to feel the old electric feelings going through my legs again, knowing tomorrow is another day in which I need to remain strong inside. Words started billowing through my head like the smoke of yesterday’s cigars, circling around in an unproductive way. I was starting to process it again. I had to remind myself of this book. One of the things I reminded myself is, we predestine our future by leaving the moments of now and allowing anxiety of what hasn’t happened to take over. We are who we are because of our past, but it doesn’t define us. It has just brought us here. I need to live without regret, within reason, stay in the now, and allow the future to show me what it will be, instead of predicting and forcing what I expect of it.

 

I just re-read the introduction of The Power of Now, where Tolle recalls the reason his book came into existence. In younger years he was tormented with the misery and anxiety of his childhood. He felt he couldn’t live with himself any longer. I’ll leave the content of his introduction for your discovery, but after he came to realize who he is, he claims he found deep peace and bliss. People would tell him they want what he has. His response, “You have it already. You just can’t feel it because your mind is making too much noise.” It’s time I start to silence my thoughts. I hope that doesn’t mean I lose desire to type them here, but I do know, it’s time I allow the silence to speak and appreciate the moments of now.

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After graduating from college, I went to a city my brother was living in to attend a job fair. I distinctly remember the first day there, as I was driving and switching stations on the radio in search of something to listen to. Back then your only options were a radio or cassette player as your in-car entertainment. Cell phones existed, but more for business and the elite, and certainly had no entertainment value other than an extremely basic game, if at all. Regardless, as I was changing stations, I stumbled on two D.J.’s Don and Mike. The had a reverb sound, making their voices sound as if they had a small echo, and their energy was more than I had experienced my entire life of radio, living in small towns. I was instantly curious, and hooked in no time at all. Their delivery of content was remarkable. Callers were engaging because of the banter with the DJ’s, their directness was shocking, and the games they would play with the callers had me laughing all day. I remember one time when they convinced a woman to put her husband’s bowling ball in the dryer and turn it on with the phone next to it, just so they could hear what it sounded like. I think they gave her $100 or less. Phone jeopardy, honk for cash, and the hilarious impersonations Mike would do as some celebrity, while Don asked ridiculous questions to him, were off the charts funny for me. I went so far as to connect a VCR to my radio so I could listen to the entire show after work. Don and Mike were a huge success. Not as popular as Howard Stern, but for me, their humor was more my style.

 

The other day I was getting ready for work and they came to mind. I remembered how they started the show with a collage of sound bits which then bled into them starting the show by talking over a song by Apollo 440, “Can’t stop the rock”. I like the song a lot, and much like a Pavlov dog to the sound of a bell at dinner time, the song got me excited. I decided to listen to the song this day, and that same feeling returned. It made me miss those days. And, as you already expect, it also made me think back to my recent breakup. See, Don and Mike had a long run, but after Don’s wife died in a car crash, their career together started a slow spiral into a final separation. Although the radio was always entertaining, it turned into a syndication with the same company as the Howard Stern show. A political battle with Howards Stern started, as Howard refused to allow them to have any level of success close to his, and things turned ugly. Howard was simply better at building and maintaining listeners, and Don and Mike were the much weaker dogs in the battle. Later fights with Opie and Anthony occurred, and then later a slow decline in their ability to work with each other as well. They now have individual pod-casts. I have gone off and on listening to The Mike O’Meara show, but he is too reflective of what once was, and Don charges for his show, which I’m not willing to pay for. I wish Don was free, however, as his style of humor I gravitate towards. But, either way, you kind of end up with the feeling that it’s just not the same anymore. I think my breakup has similarities to this.

 

I still go through pangs of anger over how my breakup occurred. I know you saw the inevitable end, as I tried to remain friends. If so, I’ll tell you now we are still friends, and I sometimes wonder what it would be like if we tried again. But, like Don and Mike, it would be an attempt to keep the show alive in some respect, but just not the same. That could be good, but I’m not sure it would be. I still think she did the breakup in the most gentle and loving way possible, as no breakup is easy and is never equal to both sides. I’m still angry at times, but the acceptance and ability to move on is stronger each day, and I appreciate what we had. If Don and Mike were to have a reunion show one day, I would be the first to listen. Unfortunately, as exciting as that might be at the time, years back Don was interviewed about the possibility of doing such a thing, and he said he wouldn’t do that because the show would simply suck. I hate to think of it, but getting back together for us would likely be the same thing. It’s best to leave it behind as a fun memory. This entry feels a little less focused than the ones before, and the final thoughts are clunky, but tonight I needed to get it out into writing. I think what I’m saying is, for myself, the future is ahead of me and it’s time to focus more in that direction. I will always look back at these days with various feelings, and I hope I look back at them with the same fondness I do of the old days listening to Don and Mike.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This weekend I went to a “Lock and Key” singles event. In case you aren’t familiar with this type of event, the women are given a lock on a chain to wear around their neck, and the men a key. The objective is for the opposite sexes to meet each other and find out if they have a matching key and lock set. If so, you return the lock and key, earn a ticket for small prizes at the end of the event, and are given new locks and keys. And, if you are interested in each other, the ice was broken for you already. As I was driving to the event, I resisted the urge to turn around and accept that I’m still not over my breakup. In a way, it was good I went, in another, I’m sorry I did.

 

When I arrived at the event, it was what I feared. Not a big turn-out, more men than women, and a somewhat lame atmosphere. As I looked around, a few women had already gravitated towards people they felt comfortable around, and outside on the balcony, men were sitting alone with a beer and their cell phone in their hands. I wanted to leave immediately, but since I was there, I decided the best approach was to convince myself I was going to enjoy myself and not care what happens. I turned my cell phone off, put it in my pocket, and decided not to turn it on again until I was on my way home. That was a positive approach which worked well.

 

As the night continued, I approached every woman, attempted to unlock their locks, and started a conversation asking who they are, follow-up questions, etc. Most women were receptive, a few uninterested, but I was in a relaxed mindset and the beer was my wingman. I also noticed the guys who were previously sitting alone started to mingle, women were receptive to their approaches, and those who were the least confident happened to have the most success with unlocking locks. One of the most reclusive in the group had stated, “Unlocking these locks is almost like work for me”, as he had the most luck out of any of us. It turned out to be a fun time. And I met Lexi.

 

Lexi is an interesting woman. She’s older than me, which isn’t an issue, but is someone I’m not attracted to. However, she and I clicked in many ways as we continued to talk through the night. And each time I tried to move on to other groups, I found her by my side again. I flirted, made slightly inappropriate jokes, and left the conversation hanging while looking into her eyes, and she enjoyed every moment. At the end of the event, everyone gathered, prizes were given for winning ticket draws, and I wanted to leave like everyone else had, but she wouldn’t let the conversation end. It was the exactly what I needed to finally get away from the aggravation and hurt of the past month. Even though I wasn’t attracted, I was drawn to her desire to hang on to every moment she could in our conversations. We left the event, but stayed at the venue until 1 am, talking about everything. By 1:30 am, had had my most recent passionate “last first kiss”, and she still wasn’t letting me leave easily. I had an hour drive home and I just wanted to get some sleep, but she was hooked and I was getting dangerously frisky. Luckily, she accepted my comment that it was time to stop before it got out of hand, and by 2:30 or so am, my head was on my own pillow at last, and I instantly crashed into a deep sleep. Although I wanted sex, I was relieved it didn't happen.

 

This morning I was taking my son back to college and he wanted me to listen to a song he likes. It’s a remake of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence by Disturbed. He says he likes it better than the original, so I asked him to play it. Although well done, I felt it was an overly aggressive approach to an elegant song, slightly over sung. It wasn’t my flavor of music. After dropping him off, Lexi and I met up again at a local brewery for a second date. The dinner was nice, but I realized it was starting to feel like the song I had listened to earlier. I enjoyed the previous night, but trying to date so soon is equivalent to attempting zip-lining after having arm surgery, and I’m forcing something I’m not into. I still need more time. Evidently my emotions are still raw, I’m still in shock my relationship was turned off with a flick of a switch, and now I’ve dragged a wonderful soul into the pit of my desire to just get away from my past. Now I need to find a way to cut this line kindly, yet I just don’t know how to do it. Lexi wants to know when we can meet again and is kissing even more passionately. Tonight I feel ugly.

 

(On a side note, I've noticed I've frequently used "sole" instead of "soul". My apologies to anyone who reads this and is bothered by it...)

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  • 2 months later...

Where am I today? So, it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s kind of a mix between not feeling like writing about my situation and not wanting to. In short, Angie and I are still “friends”, if you want to call it that; but once her heart moved in a new direction, the intensity of this friendship appears to have dissipated like the heat on a cast-iron skillet, slowly and progressively, until the cold returns as if it was never used in the first place. We speak, but mostly “Good morning”’, with occasional discussions out of obligatory effort to keep it friendly in the office. Feels frustrating, because the whole relationship was based off the friendship, but I’ve been unfriended, blocked from messenger, thrown out. “Soul mate” friend no more. Feels like it the whole thing was a stairway to heaven lie, but I should have known better. I really should have.

 

Went out with someone new the other week, which went well and felt like a refreshing re-start. She was fun and energetic. I discovered it’s not easy to transition into a new situation without pulling ghost habits of the past. Delivery of comments, jokes, and flirtations felt clunky, but still received as intended. I discovered I needed to learn a new discussion pattern that worked for her, to keep the conversations natural. That wasn’t difficult to do, but made me question if it wasn’t a natural fit in the first place. Gun shy maybe? Jaded? Not sure. Capricorns are cautious. We’ve gone out a few times since, and it’s been fun, yet I’m still not sure where this one is going to go. I like her, with hesitations. She’s attractive, nice shape, and she has an edge to her I find I’m drawn to. However, I still don’t feel the natural “click” like in past relationships. Almost slightly forced. I think she’s also struggling with separating past habits from building new ones as well. After three dates, you might think that would be answered. I mean, it was a third date, so at this point I should be more certain, but I’m not.

 

I think the biggest question I have at this point, is why am I trying to date? I really like being single. I like doing my own thing, being alone to get things done, and spending time with my kids doing whatever we choose to do. It’s not like I can’t do that with someone new, but I may not want someone in that mix right now. Like anyone else, I miss affection, sex, adult conversations, etc., but I don’t’ miss it so much I’m willing to risk settling. And I certainly don’t’ miss the over-head that existing in past relationships either. It’s Christmas, which is a time when single people tend to yearn for someone in their lives, but I’m not sure I do. I’ll see where this one goes for now, but if it doesn’t go anywhere, I’m going to see if life drops someone in my orbit and enjoy being alone in the meantime.

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I’m not sure where I’m going with this one. I’m struggling with the idea of a new relationship. I’m done speaking about my most recent relationship, it can stay in the history books where it belongs, but I fear it has jaded my trust and is affecting my ability to move forward with a new one. This new girl is a good person, a dedicated mother, sincere worker, and is very much into building what we have started. Sounds perfect, right? It has completely erased any pangs or desires of the past, which is what I needed; but I wonder if I’m rebounding or actually interested in moving into another relationship? There are a few things that have me a little on edge with this one, which makes me wonder if I’m cautiously moving forward or pre-maturely waiting for red flags to run from. My complete trust the last time was a clear mistake, and it’s too soon to place trust in something new, but am I approaching a fear of trust? It’s not just trusting her, it’s also trust in myself, which has me even more concerned. Sounds cliché, but I’m not sure I trust myself to trust her. Could be what makes me think I enjoy being single.

 

I have a good friend of many years who once told me, when it comes to relationships, I’m either all in or all out. My friend and I met when I started my first job out of college and we quickly turned into best friends. He knows everything about my relationships since we met, and frequently reminds me of my mistakes and habits of the past, in jest. In jest primarily because it’s a sense of entertainment for him. He finds it amusing to talk about the various situations I’ve placed myself in, and enjoys the embarrassment it causes in me. But what are best friends for, right? So, apparently there is little middle ground with me, but that appears to be exactly where I am right now; in the center of a questionable middle ground. It’s clearly still early, but I’m not sure I picture myself going all in. I’m not comfortably uncomfortable right now, I think I’m more sex driven, and the sex is new only so long. He thinks I’m over-analyzing my situation and should just go with it and see what happens. Go with it and see what happens? If you ask me, that has been a root of my issues of the past. It has been permission to myself to let my guard down, go all in, maybe even over-trust. He argues my issue is I don’t take assertive action to leave immediately at the point when no return becomes clear? He’s right, I don’t let go quickly, but who does when you aren’t the one with someone new? My struggle right now is I’m not sure if can stay in the uncertain zone very long to discover trust, or if I should quickly pull the plug and go all out where I’m comfortable.

 

It sucks. I long for a relationship, but I don’t like the work of the start up of one. Age, laziness, or fear, not sure, but should it be work though? I am concerned about leading this one on. She's cute, kind, sexy, and I don’t want to be someone she regrets meeting and placing her trust in.

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