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Thread: She Needs Space?

  1. #1
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    She Needs Space?

    Good afternoon,

    So Iíve been dating this girl for 3 months. Iím 33 sheís 23. All our dates have been great - weíve gone to fantastic places for small breaks away and great restaurants. After our last date in Bournemouth for a night away (8th August) we arranged to go for dinner the next week.

    About a day before she told me she was feeling a lot of pressure and felt all of it was too much at the moment - sheís going to university this month and will be working a lot to support herself and she just wanted something casual. I said this was fine and we could just go slow. Our texting began to slow down and a week ago she said she was getting stressed at the fact I was perhaps texting too much and felt pressure too reply and didnít need that right now. She enjoys spending time with me but needs space right now. I didnít text again until this Sunday where I sent the below message.

    ....................

    ĎHey, hope youíve had a good rest of the week trouble. Looking back, Iíve been a and acted way out of character. I made a mistake in terms of what we talked about a few weeks back and I apologise. Youíve been through and going through a lot lately and I should have realised that much sooner and backed off.

    I can see how I put pressure on you and stressed you out after chatting to you this week nor was it attractive on my part- Thatís not me and not cool. I really enjoy spending time with you tiger and after looking through our recent messages (cringing throughout), I get where youíve been coming from. It was an overload. If Iím honest and as lame as it sounds, I guess over the last few weeks I got a bit anxious and yep ..... it, Iíll admit it, I was afraid of the fact that I may never see you again and for that twattish reason my fingers went into message overdrive instead of giving you that space you needed. From the moment I met you, Iíve pretty much had a smile on my face thatís not gone away, youíre genuinely one of the hottest girls Iíve ever met both on the inside and out, intelligent and occasionally funny - Iíd be a if I wanted to lose out on that completely and Iíve acted like one over the past few weeks too.

    Iím going to give you the space you want tiger and If this is it ... Iíll wish you all the best , but, If youíd like to hang out/chat and strip everything back when youíre back from Ibiza or whenever youíre free next and go from there babe, Iíd like that. I never went into this thinking of settling down or anything like that. Li, Iíd rather have you in my life casually and at your own pace then not at all. Itís been so easy being around you and great fun - just like it should beí

    .........................


    Iíve not chased it at all but Iíve had no reply. Weíve not ended it officially but thought perhaps I might get a response. I guess Iím just feeling a little anxious about it all. Iím more than happy as the message suggests to give her all the space she needs. Guess I just would like a bit of advice or support.

    Thanks
    Ben

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    So you respond to her request not to overload her with messages by overloading her with another message?

    It's not surprising that she didn't respond.

    Your message screams of neediness and insecurity.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she was overwhelmed. Consider it over. "Space" usually means breakup. Yikes that message may have put the final nail in the coffin. In the future don't send stuff like this.

    "I don't want anything serious just want you casually". If she had doubts that you were just playing her you secured that thought with a line like that. Look, fact is, even without this condescending message, she probably wants to be free to date guys her own age at college. Let it go, you had a fun fling.
    Originally Posted by BJN31
    "I never went into this thinking of settling down or anything like that. Li, Iíd rather have you in my life casually"

  4. #4
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    Thanks for this ... she said she wanted something casual and just fun and our dates were exactly that - I was just confirming where I was mentally. I actually thought the message I sent was just honest and was looking for where her head was so I can move on or whatever.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In my opinion, important discussions should take place in person versus text messages. In this case, I don't think it matters because she has not replied. If she felt you were important enough for her to keep you in her life, she wouldn't be ignoring you.

    You are in different life stages. You are likely settled in your career, and she is going on to continuing education. Her brain won't even be fully formed until age 25, a few years away. You're also clearly more into her than she is with you. Stating that you will take the breadcrumbs she's willing to offer is fooling yourself, and she knows you won't be able to handle that, nor be happy with it.

    Perhaps you will have better luck dating someone closer to your age. That has a higher risk of success, since you are in a similar stage of life with that person, and by your age, people are more likely to be ready for long term relationships versus short term ones that a younger person might prefer.

    If you haven't tried Meetup.com groups, I suggest trying out that venue. Take care.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with Sarah, she asked for space then you send a long detailed message making her feel even more pressure.

    When people ask for space, they mean, stop writing until they write you. I understand that you are wanting to 'clear the air' and be polite so that you're on the same page, etc...but you probably did more damage now then before.

    If you don't hear from her again, then let it go. It wasn't meant to be. It's just how it is, sometimes. Accept it, move on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You are in different life stages.
    This is it right here. Ten years...you don't think the same, you don't reason the same. She was too young for you and now wants you to go.

    Let it go. Find someone your own age who is in the same life stage as you and ready for more serious and not a fling.

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    Yikes, you called her "hot" and "babe".

    Are you into her because she's young and hot?

    That message was way too much. "I need space" doesn't mean "please send me a huge text".

    Please don't send an "apology" text!

  10. #9
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    Iím into her because we had a great time together. She is young and hot and thatís just how we talk I guess.

    I can see your point of view RE: text but I wanted to clear the air and just say my peace. I thought it was genuine and like to think thatís who I am. Iíve been in a 7yr and 5yr relationship so this is really my first foray into dating after my last relationship broke down.

    I guess I just got anxious and yeh Iíll admit it - scared I wouldnít see her again because I was genuinely happy for that 3 month period we were dating. I thought it was important to say my peace but can see everyoneís point of view here.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It was a whole lot of "mansplaining" and preemptive strikes. When someone tells you they "need space" there is no confusion. It means move on.
    Originally Posted by BJN31
    I actually thought the message I sent was just honest and was looking for where her head was so I can move on or whatever.

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