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She Needs Space?


BJN31

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Good afternoon,

 

So I’ve been dating this girl for 3 months. I’m 33 she’s 23. All our dates have been great - we’ve gone to fantastic places for small breaks away and great restaurants. After our last date in Bournemouth for a night away (8th August) we arranged to go for dinner the next week.

 

About a day before she told me she was feeling a lot of pressure and felt all of it was too much at the moment - she’s going to university this month and will be working a lot to support herself and she just wanted something casual. I said this was fine and we could just go slow. Our texting began to slow down and a week ago she said she was getting stressed at the fact I was perhaps texting too much and felt pressure too reply and didn’t need that right now. She enjoys spending time with me but needs space right now. I didn’t text again until this Sunday where I sent the below message.

 

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‘Hey, hope you’ve had a good rest of the week trouble. Looking back, I’ve been a and acted way out of character. I made a mistake in terms of what we talked about a few weeks back and I apologise. You’ve been through and going through a lot lately and I should have realised that much sooner and backed off.

 

I can see how I put pressure on you and stressed you out after chatting to you this week nor was it attractive on my part- That’s not me and not cool. I really enjoy spending time with you tiger and after looking through our recent messages (cringing throughout), I get where you’ve been coming from. It was an overload. If I’m honest and as lame as it sounds, I guess over the last few weeks I got a bit anxious and yep ..... it, I’ll admit it, I was afraid of the fact that I may never see you again and for that twattish reason my fingers went into message overdrive instead of giving you that space you needed. From the moment I met you, I’ve pretty much had a smile on my face that’s not gone away, you’re genuinely one of the hottest girls I’ve ever met both on the inside and out, intelligent and occasionally funny - I’d be a if I wanted to lose out on that completely and I’ve acted like one over the past few weeks too.

 

I’m going to give you the space you want tiger and If this is it ... I’ll wish you all the best , but, If you’d like to hang out/chat and strip everything back when you’re back from Ibiza or whenever you’re free next and go from there babe, I’d like that. I never went into this thinking of settling down or anything like that. Li, I’d rather have you in my life casually and at your own pace then not at all. It’s been so easy being around you and great fun - just like it should be’

 

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I’ve not chased it at all but I’ve had no reply. We’ve not ended it officially but thought perhaps I might get a response. I guess I’m just feeling a little anxious about it all. I’m more than happy as the message suggests to give her all the space she needs. Guess I just would like a bit of advice or support.

 

Thanks

Ben

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she was overwhelmed. Consider it over. "Space" usually means breakup. Yikes that message may have put the final nail in the coffin. In the future don't send stuff like this.

 

"I don't want anything serious just want you casually". If she had doubts that you were just playing her you secured that thought with a line like that. Look, fact is, even without this condescending message, she probably wants to be free to date guys her own age at college. Let it go, you had a fun fling.

"I never went into this thinking of settling down or anything like that. Li, I’d rather have you in my life casually"
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Thanks for this ... she said she wanted something casual and just fun and our dates were exactly that - I was just confirming where I was mentally. I actually thought the message I sent was just honest and was looking for where her head was so I can move on or whatever.

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In my opinion, important discussions should take place in person versus text messages. In this case, I don't think it matters because she has not replied. If she felt you were important enough for her to keep you in her life, she wouldn't be ignoring you.

 

You are in different life stages. You are likely settled in your career, and she is going on to continuing education. Her brain won't even be fully formed until age 25, a few years away. You're also clearly more into her than she is with you. Stating that you will take the breadcrumbs she's willing to offer is fooling yourself, and she knows you won't be able to handle that, nor be happy with it.

 

Perhaps you will have better luck dating someone closer to your age. That has a higher risk of success, since you are in a similar stage of life with that person, and by your age, people are more likely to be ready for long term relationships versus short term ones that a younger person might prefer.

 

If you haven't tried Meetup.com groups, I suggest trying out that venue. Take care.

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I agree with Sarah, she asked for space then you send a long detailed message making her feel even more pressure.

 

When people ask for space, they mean, stop writing until they write you. I understand that you are wanting to 'clear the air' and be polite so that you're on the same page, etc...but you probably did more damage now then before.

 

If you don't hear from her again, then let it go. It wasn't meant to be. It's just how it is, sometimes. Accept it, move on.

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You are in different life stages.

 

This is it right here. Ten years...you don't think the same, you don't reason the same. She was too young for you and now wants you to go.

 

Let it go. Find someone your own age who is in the same life stage as you and ready for more serious and not a fling.

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I’m into her because we had a great time together. She is young and hot and that’s just how we talk I guess.

 

I can see your point of view RE: text but I wanted to clear the air and just say my peace. I thought it was genuine and like to think that’s who I am. I’ve been in a 7yr and 5yr relationship so this is really my first foray into dating after my last relationship broke down.

 

I guess I just got anxious and yeh I’ll admit it - scared I wouldn’t see her again because I was genuinely happy for that 3 month period we were dating. I thought it was important to say my peace but can see everyone’s point of view here.

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Sorry for the confusion. Sounds like she's overwhelmed—too overwhelmed to really continue in any way that will be satisfying. That's generally what "I need space" means, whether it's coming from a 23 year old or a 53 year old. Not always, but often.

 

All that said, next time someone expresses a need for space? Try to avoid replying with a novel about yourself. Basically just say that you understand, you're here, and that's that. One heartfelt sentence that shows you can listen to their truth and are confident enough in your own skin to not need to fill that space with your truth.

 

Because that message? I understand the intentions behind it, but it is 95 percent about you. Read back over it and you'll see how many sentences begin with "I." It is like an avalanche of you flooding into her just when she is telling you she needs a moment to herself, a moment away from you, maybe a forever moment—you trying to convince her that you're not some suffocating guy, that you can be who she wants, that you're all about casual, that....yeah, you get it.

 

She's 23. Ten years younger than you. That age gap is showing 3 months in, and if it's already this pronounced odds are it will just get more intense. Different stages in life, as others are saying. Best, I think, to accept all that now than try to hold onto something that's already slipping away and proving itself to not give either of you the emotional nourishment you each need at this juncture in your individual journeys.

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Casual comes with an expiration date and sounds like yours just expired.

 

That text, really would have helped if you haven't sent it. I cringed so many times reading it I lost count. As a general rule, when you feel the urge to say your peace.....stop and walk away for awhile. In the heat of the moment it will rarely come out well or get you what you want, quite the opposite in this case. I'm not surprised she hasn't responded. Anyway, take the hint and don't contact her again.

 

What's with the extreme desperation? Maybe instead of trying to latch on to a woman, work on yourself a bit. You'll make for a much more attractive partner that way.

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A guy I chose to stop dating sent me a message very similar to the one you sent. I admit I laughed and thought it was ridiculous. It was a transparent attempt to lure me back. But I'd already made up my mind.

 

She may not have laughed and thought it was ridiculous, but I can bet she rolled her eyes because she asked for space and you reacted by sending a novel about yourself.

 

Again, please do not send a text apologizing for your text. Just give her the space she asked for.

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Agree. Have you considered that you were her summer sugar daddy? Most college boys can't wine and dine anyone like this: "All our dates have been great - we’ve gone to fantastic places for small breaks away and great restaurants. After our last date in Bournemouth for a night away".

She may not have laughed and thought it was ridiculous, but I can bet she rolled her eyes because she asked for space and you reacted by sending a novel about yourself.

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I’m going to give her space - I now do agree but it came from a good place. I perhaps should mention that in July I actually got her pregnant but she had a miscarriage a month in. We didn’t know until she started bleeding. We dealt with it together. She does have a lot going on and has been through a lot. I’m going to fade away

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I perhaps should mention that in July I actually got her pregnant but she had a miscarriage a month in. We didn’t know until she started bleeding. We dealt with it together. She does have a lot going on and has been through a lot. I’m going to fade away

 

Fading away is good. That pregnancy scare probably soured her on you.

 

She needs to finish school before becoming a mom. Motherhood is the antithesis of casual.

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Leave her alone. If she doesn't reply to you do not ever message her again. It's inappropriate coming from someone 10 years her senior. At 33 you're in your male prime. You're shooting very low aiming for women so young and most women (even young women) will sense that coming off of you. The novella text also sounds exceedingly desperate and the tone is not convincing.

 

I think you are genuinely looking for a connection but your radar is not so good. Start dating other women closer to your age. Work on areas of yourself that you don't feel entirely comfortable with. A man like you seems highly suspect and I'm more prone to think there are serious issues in your life that are preventing you from meeting women closer to your age or socializing with peers who are more in your range.

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I’m going to give her space - I now do agree but it came from a good place. I perhaps should mention that in July I actually got her pregnant but she had a miscarriage a month in. We didn’t know until she started bleeding. We dealt with it together. She does have a lot going on and has been through a lot. I’m going to fade away

 

It appears the (above) snapped her back into reality, imo. Sorry, but that was an irresponsible move for the both of you. After all, you're both equally responsible for the use of BC.

 

In short, I'd look at it as a blessing in disguise. It's time to move on, and take the lesson with you.

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