Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 31

Thread: IN an LTR... but falling in love with an old friend...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    1,092
    Gender
    Female
    Hey,

    So as a person who has been on every side of that love triangle I can say... cheating sucks. Always. Even in the most ideal of circumstances.

    You don't want us to lecture you. I get it. It's hard to hear the truth sometimes. The thing is though, what we think shouldn't matter to you - we're just a bunch of strangers on the internet. I could be 12 years old for all you know that is simply acting like she has almost 50 years of life experience.

    Really this is between your partner and you. He is the one whose opinion counts on this matter.

    My thoughts based on your post? You're not emotionally ready for a commitment. There's nothing wrong with that at any age - just own it and let the people you're involved with know. Your partner may be cold sometimes etc... but he still deserves better than to be kept from the truth. So, if it's true that you're aware how wrong cheating is, you can show it by holding yourself accountable. Come clean to your partner; you owe him that much. And then just spend time getting to know yourself instead of giving yourself whiplash trying to decide which man you love more. Love yourself first, then you'll get clarity.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,545
    So he only wants you when he can't have you. Sounds like there is something you need to work out of your system. This other guy sounds like a train wreck. And I'm sure he'll treat you the same way when it's time to commit.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,890
    Gender
    Female
    Now that things have happened between my friend and I, he has confessed that he would love nothing more than to be with me but would absolutely never get in the way of my relationship -
    ... and yet he had sex with you? lol

    Get help for your codependency if you can't or won't leave someone that is not meeting your needs so instead of leaving them, you get with another man that has been sniffing around you for years. You need help with your boundaries and and education on what isn't appropriate to be doing with an opposite sex "friend" (like going on date like activities to the point that people mistake you as a couple for instance) so that you don't find yourself in this same kind of predicament in your future.

    Sharing a bed with a man that is not your partner? Totally and absolutely disrespectful to your primary partner and something that most (all?) people who have a good sense of romantic relationship boundaries within a monogamous relationship would never, ever do.

    Spend a holiday with your opposite sex friend without your primary partner there too? Are you kidding me? You have no sense of what is and what is not appropriate to be doing when in a committed relationship. Even if your partner is so indifferent to you that he is okay with such things, YOU need to stop doing it so that you don't find yourself in love with someone you have been inappropriate with and bonding with in the future.

    You can not be acting like you are single when you are not.

    FWIW: I think most partners would be cold if they were being left behind while their other half is out acting like the partner of another man/woman.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 09-05-2019 at 03:05 PM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,531
    Gender
    Female
    Your friend is full of bs. The line he fed you about him absolutely never getting in the way of your relationship sounds absolutely ridiculous. At best, he lacks self-awareness as much as you. At worst, he is a back-stabber who cannot be trusted.

    You sound passive-aggressive and so does your bf. You also both suck at placing healthy boundaries whs it comes to relationships. Imo, you need to end your relationship. Kudos to you for seeking therapy. It's definitely a step towards the right direction! Good luck.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,685
    I love him dearly, we do a lot together and I have honestly been at my best and my happiest with this man.
    Clearly not the case or you wouldn't have cheated.

    He can be a little cold and switched off at times, but that is just how he is.
    .

    Obviously this matters more than you say it does.

    However, a situation with a very old male friend recently arose where we ended up in bed together. Don't judge me or lecture me on this
    Of course I judge this behavior... I judge it as morally wrong and reprehensible, anyone that has been cheated on will tell you that it's the worst form of betrayal.


    from my perspective I stand to lose everything. A good friend, my partner and possibly my sanity.
    I don't know about your sanity but I do know you have already lost what you had with your partner and your friend... committing the act has forever changed your relationship with both of those people.

    The friend has been in my life for a long time, and we have always had a very close relationship, and I truly enjoy the time we spend together. We have often been mistaken for a couple on outings due to the way we behave around each other. So, for years this guy has been mistaken for my partner, we have been alone around each other on so many occasions, we have shared a bed so, so many times
    Walking on thin ice here... I don't know about you but I don't behave like I am in a relationship with my platonic male friends, and I definitely don't sleep in the same bed with them even when I am single. Whether it was you with the unrequited feelings or your "friend"... at the end of the day you took advantage of a situation that has now spiraled out of control.

    I instigated everything that happened between us recently. Now that things have happened between my friend and I, he has confessed that he would love nothing more than to be with me but would absolutely never get in the way of my relationship - and I know that he wouldn't. But part of me is now thinking 'what if...'
    Of course there is more to the story. This guy has been in love with you for a long time, you led him on by continuing a friendship with him, and now that he has confessed his love you are admitting to having feelings for him as well. And by the way... he already has gotten in the way, let there be no doubt about that.

    I feel like I am falling in love... whilst being in love with my partner. Is this even possible?! I'm tearing myself apart about this (so much so that I have booked in to see a therapist next week as I have managed to convince myself I am messed up in the head. Who does this in a loving, good relationship)
    Girl you are in such denial about your situation! People in good loving relationships do not, I repeat DO NOT, cheat on their partners with someone they are secretly in love with.

    What to do for the best? Follow through on the therapy so you can get to the root of why you did this... take responsibility for your part... admit your true feelings about your "friend" and your current partner... and accept that you may eventually lose both but at least you will have some freedom from this situation you are currently in.

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    47
    Gender
    Male
    Please tell the truth to your (ex)boyfriend. I heard it from someone else and it hurt me so bad. It made me question if there was any love and honesty in the whole relationship.

    I see two possible paths:

    1: Tell your bf, see if he wants to continue and go to therapy together.
    2: Tell your bf, breakup and take some time off from relationships. The "Who does this in a loving, good relationship" is exactly what my ex told me and she's messing up in her rebound again. She even told me she has no idea what she's doing, doesn't feel love as she felt with us. Her ignorance for her own feelings and values hurt me and will hurt the other guy soon. Getting into a new relationship will probably spell disaster for you as well.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,353
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Londonswag


    I don't think it is a question of appropriateness; yes, I have slipped up here. But should a woman cut off a close friendship due to a relationship? That is a very strange world view... I have a lot of guy mates. I'm not a girly girl, I like going out with the lads! Most of them are single, and I would say I am close to a lot of them... should I cut all of them off too? The friendship with him has survived past relationships, longer than this one, without so much as even a flirty word being uttered. We were close friends all through a five year relationship at one point; he was my confidante, the person I would cry to, and not once has he ever made any pass at me or confessed any attraction. And likewise he has had girlfriends and I became friends with some of them.

    This is nothing to do with the friendship, two people of the opposite sex CAN be close friends when one or the other meets someone and it is absurd to suggest that we should ditch people based on new romantic partners (after all, one should hope friends are for life whilst romances may come and go. And when love turns sour, it is the friends we rely on to get us through those dark times) this has everything to do with my own muddled up emotions.
    Of course you shouldn't end your friendships with male friends, but it's a slippery slope when you have and continue an emotionally intimate relationship with them, the way you just described. That made it an easy leap to a physically intimate relationship with him too.

    Boundaries.

    You don't put yourself in a temptation rich environment when you are in a committed relationship.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,890
    Gender
    Female
    But should a woman cut off a close friendship due to a relationship?
    No but she sure as **** shouldn't be acting like the friend is her boyfriend either. Look what you acting like that got you into.

    You have zero romantic relationship boundaries in place with him and that makes you quite susceptible (as you've found out) to being unable to remain monogamous.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    Your 'friendship' is so inappropriate on so many levels. How would you feel if your bf had this type of 'friendship?'

  11. #30
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by Londonswag
    Hmm, I had not really thought about his coldness being an issue before. He is very, very work oriented and I am often taking a backseat to his career (last minute changes of plan due to work, long work trips away, and also on the flip side very limited spontaneity) but I don't feel as though it bothers me. I do have a very active social life, so I have a lot of friends to squeeze in anyhow. That said, perhaps when I am feeling a little lonely and abandoned I have used my friend as an emotional crutch.... Now I feel even more dreadful. Have I been using him as a pretend partner in the absence of my actual partner?!

    My partner and my friend get on just fine! Have been out for drinks without me (albeit not often but they work close to each other) and we have been on holidays together previously (not just the three of us - with other friends) I would say I probably see my friend a couple of nights a week, usually just for drinks. Sometimes more, sometimes less but frequently.

    On the night in question we were watching a movie at my flat, with a bottle of wine. We were not drunk, and I am not even gonna try and use alcohol as an excuse here. I think this is something far deeper than that. I was stone cold sober and can not use anything to justify my actions except whatever latent feelings were bubbling away underneath the surface. At one point we both leaned forward (wine and snacks on the coffee table; I was going for the wine. I assume he was going for wine or chocolate) at the same time and he more or less full on headbutted me, he hugged me (because it bloody hurt!) and... then I kissed him. The rest obviously went on from there; he was hesitant and he did ask me if I was sure multiple times. He has no real blame here I don't feel... this is all on me. It was all lame romcom stuff in real life basically.
    Hi Londonswag

    I hope this isnít painful but How painful this is to him?
    You have no boundaries with your friend, you have ruined this friendship, it died the day you had sex with him.
    You either have to sever this friendship now or break up with your man!
    Your long term boy friend will have his suspicions, your actions would have changed over the years and unfortunately he would have picked up on these. He would have felt like he is the third wheel, how often were you pleased when his work schedule changed at short notice?

    Break it off now let your long term boyfriend go, tell him the truth about you and your friend and how this has stabbed him in his heart.

    It will hurt, he has spent time befriending this man friend (for you), going on vacations together, night out at the pub etc. all this time you were not setting up relationships boundaries. You clearly didnít set them so you could have sex with him. Sharing beds whilst away, at friends homes etc. Never saying Ďthis is not respecting my other partner or meí.
    I am sure that for years he has wanted to bang you.(again sorry for being blunt).

    All this time your other boy friend is busy working, setting up a life and career so you can live happily ever after.
    This will never happen now.

    The truth will set you free.

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •