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Thread: IN an LTR... but falling in love with an old friend...

  1. #11
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    I think you hanging out with your "friend", sharing a bed together, and all that other jazz is just plain disrespectful if you're in a relationship. Sorry to say.

    As for what happened I would tell your partner. Although I'm not sure how he will react to that and whether or not he will be forgiving is up to him.

    If you really and truly loved your partner you would surely not have made a move like that on this friend of yours. Maybe you're not consciously aware of your real feelings for him and something really is missing. But I would 're assess if this relationship is really for you.

  2. #12
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    As they say if you have two choices, or two people, choose the second since if you genuinely felt anything for the first, nothing would come in between that. Obviously this isn't me saying go for your friend but seriously think about what you want to do.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    To him, you're "safe". Meaning he does not want a relationship with you, just a no-strings affair. You're easy, convenient and you chase him. How good is that....for him. While you are torn and risk your relationship when your partner finds out, he risks nothing.
    Originally Posted by Londonswag
    he would love nothing more than to be with me but would absolutely never get in the way of my relationship

  4. #14
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    You donít want to be lectured about cheating? Too bad, so sad for you. Quite frankly, you lack boundaries and have something broken in you, which is why you cheated Ė this is the reason people cheat, not because their partner did something to cause them to cheat but because they are broken.

    Originally Posted by Londonswag
    Hmm, I had not really thought about his coldness being an issue before. He is very, very work oriented and I am often taking a backseat to his career (last minute changes of plan due to work, long work trips away, and also on the flip side very limited spontaneity) but I don't feel as though it bothers me.
    NOPE! You do not get to even think of using this as an excuse for cheating. Plenty of people are in relationships with people like your partner and DO NOT CHEAT.

    Originally Posted by Londonswag
    I don't think it is a question of appropriateness; yes, I have slipped up here. But should a woman cut off a close friendship due to a relationship? That is a very strange world view... I have a lot of guy mates.

    This is nothing to do with the friendship, two people of the opposite sex CAN be close friends when one or the other meets someone and it is absurd to suggest that we should ditch people based on new romantic partners (after all, one should hope friends are for life whilst romances may come and go. And when love turns sour, it is the friends we rely on to get us through those dark times) this has everything to do with my own muddled up emotions.
    Well, yes it is a question of appropriateness. Youíve proven that you are completely lacking in boundaries. And Iím sorry, but ADULTS who are in relationships know that friendships take a back seat to that relationship, especially if itís a long-term relationship. I have plenty of female friends, but when I was married I respected my wife enough to never go out one-on-one with a female friend. Likewise, my married female friends do the same. Itís not a question of being friends, itís a question of appropriateness and boundaries.

    As much as I was focused on work, which is what lead to the downfall of my marriage, at least my ex-wife had enough respect for me not to cheat on me. Thatís just low and shows an utter disrespect and lack of love. No matter how much you profess to love your partner, you donít. People who love their partner donít cheat.

    My advice: tell your partner and let HIM decide where the relationship goes. At this point, you no longer get to make that decision and youíve proven yourself to be terrible with boundaries and are a poor decision maker. Youíre not a safe partner for him.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In a Hedonistic world, you can do whatever satisfies you in self-centered gluttony. But if you don't think you will face consequences of losing people you wanted to keep in your life, you're naive.

    Using a male best friend as an emotional crutch and a shoulder to cry on began the spiral of crossing relationship boundaries--engaging in an emotional affair. When you enter into an exclusive relationship, things SHOULD change when it comes to your friendships with people of the opposite sex if they are super close/intense, and especially if there is chemistry.

    As other posters have described, those super close friendships with opposite sex friends got placed to the back burner, with changes being made to that friendship, when they entered into a serious romance. As much as it pains you, changes like this are necessary when you progress into a more mature adulthood.

    You might care about your bf, but I can't fathom you loving him, since you did one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. The fact that you two never argue, to me, spells the possibility of a lack of connection. And as far as your friend goes, I'd think a decent man would never cross the line he did, so as far as being a good partner in the future goes, I doubt he'd be an ideal, faithful bf.

    If it were me, I'd just end things with my bf, sparing him the ugly details. You're lonely with his work ethic and a job that often has him gone, and it will take years of couples counseling, if he's willing to keep you, to get to a good place in your relationship. You would likely also have to end your friendship as part of the reconciliation, which a counselor would definitely suggest.

    If you end things, stay alone at least a year and continue on with therapy. You need to learn from your mistakes in order to have better relationship success in the future. If you think a future bf will be okay with you hanging out with your best friend who you had sex with (most guys would ask if this has occurred after seeing the dynamic between you two), you're wrong.

    Adulthood is not for sissies. Sometimes you have to give up things to gain things. Yes, it's tough. Time to grow up.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can do whatever you please especially if you feel it's your prerogative to flex your female desires or your women's rights. No one will argue with you your ability or desire to have friends of any sex or gender, what you do in your private life or whom you choose to associate with.

    At the end of the day you are the one who has to deal with the consequences of any complications that arise from your actions. I would pick your battles wisely. If you'd like to fight the good fight exercising your rights and the desire to have many different kinds of friends, you are entitled. If you prefer to maintain a low key and drama-free monogamous relationship, you are also entitled. This has less to do with what you're capable of and more to do with what you choose.

    I suspect your current relationship pales in comparison to the type of man you see yourself pairing with. Be more realistic with yourself and don't be afraid of change either.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Stop lying to yourself about your relationships. You don't love your bf and don't even care about him on the most basic human level. Before you argue - you cheated on him. That's as low as it goes and is the definition of not caring. You care about yourself, what you want, your comfort and convenience, but you do NOT care about your bf. Be honest about that.

    As for your friend, he says that he doesn't want to step into your relationship? BS and way too late. He just did step in and then some. You describe him as this great guy, but in reality.....he is a guy who helped you cheat. What you both showed each other is that you have no values, no morals, no character - you are both cheaters. Not exactly a basis for a healthy relationship because if you do actually end up together, how you got together will haunt you and ultimately, the lack of trust will destroy you. It will turn into a toxic mess.

    Basically, when you can't choose between the two, choose neither and move on. Dump your bf and no, you don't need to ruin his life by telling him what you did. That's your personal burden to bear and deal with. On that note, I'm glad that you realize that you are making some really messed up choices and have set up a therapy appointment. I hope you get yourself sorted out and your head screwed on straight and it needs to start with.....being way more honest and less selfish about things.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Londonswag
    <snip>

    However, a situation with a very old male friend recently arose where we ended up in bed together. Don't judge me or lecture me on this, I know it was wrong and I don't need to be told further that it was wrong. I feel dreadful about it; from my perspective I stand to lose everything. A good friend, my partner and possibly my sanity.

    <snip>
    Since this is all about you and your feelings, then I'd say that you need to keep this all a secret and live with your guilt as you blow up your life.

    OR, You let your partner decide what he wants to do as his life blows up.

    At minimum, I'd bet he would like to know his risk for an STI.

    And more than that? He probably wants to know if he is wasting his time with you.

    For the moment, try to understand that what happens to you is really not the most important thing to consider when someone has done such a relationship-damaging thing.

  10. #19
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    Terrible! Lack of character and selfish.

    Do your bf a favor and end it. You do not love him, and certainly do not respect him.

  11. #20
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    Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to have male friends.

    I would think your boyfriend wouldn't be expecting you to kiss or fondle your male friends, however.

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