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Thread: Need advice about a coworker who may have a crush on me

  1. #1
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    Need advice about a coworker who may have a crush on me

    I got a new job back in November and was hired with a cohort of about 10 other nurses. One of the nurses I got hired with seems to have taken an instant liking to me. I'm a keen observer of how people behave and their body language and almost immediately I noticed her looking at me and smiling whenever we'd make eye contact. She still does this almost a year later. When we are assigned to different areas or if either one of us if floating she'll actively come to find me and chat and remembers tiny (and what I consider insignificant) details of what I've mentioned to her. We'll joke around a lot and banter back and forth and I've noticed she doesn't behave this with any of the other guys on our unit. She'll talk to them, but none of the joking or banter. I don't actually seek her out while we're at work. Whenever we're in a work area together she comes and sits next to me and usually has some sort of physical contact like an arm against mine or her leg against mine. As she's younger than me (10 years) and a coworker, I'm really not sure if I'm reading too much into this or not.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What would you like to see happen?

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    What would you like to see happen?
    Not really sure. It's been a while since I've pursued a relationship (divorced 5 years). Before that I was with my wife for 10 years, so I don't really know if my co-worker is into me or if she just sees me as a friend she woks with. Its just different for me because I've been single for so long and the age difference, which like I said is 10 years.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It's possible that she has a crush on you, but we're not there to observe. Since you see her daily at work, you will have to think about the consequences if you dated and it didn't work out, since most new relationships don't. Would you be able to handle the awkwardness of seeing her every day at work after a breakup?

    Also, the bigger the age gap, the less likely a relationship will last. Here's an excerpt from an article: A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

    If you're ready to date, I'd suggest joining some Meetup.com groups in your area for singles in your age-range.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you've been working together for almost a year, I'm more likely to think she's being friendly and nothing more. There is nothing worse than being mistaken for something else while being friendly and it's likely for good reason that men and women don't over-socialize at work due to risk of misunderstandings. Do either of you have anything else in common? Both previously married? Any kids? Same/similar culture/upbringing? As nurses, details are important. If you are all trained to watch for signs and details in patients and in your work, I don't think it should come as any surprise that she's detail-oriented or keenly aware of her surroundings or what's been said to her. She also likely has a better memory compared to you and that varies from person to person (this is not a dig at your age).

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    What would you like to see happen?
    Originally Posted by AviationNut
    Not really sure.
    Then I'd consider the answer irrelevant unless and until you are clear about what YOU want--or don't want.

    It's simple enough to ignore a crush or avoid projecting a fantasy onto an otherwise friendly and comfortable work relationship.

    So decide which way you want this to go, and then you can act accordingly to effect the outcome you want.

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    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    You could ask her out. If she's single, I don't see a reason why not. Except. I was just dating someone I worked next to. We did really well for 3 and a half years. Just three weeks ago she went to lunch with someone else and is now in the process of breaking up with me. This hurts a lot. So...you can try. But, if you do, you might want to give very serious consideration to the fact that you are working together. If it goes sideways, as in my case, you then are in the position of being professional, kind, and not at all affected by the fact that you are no longer #1, but #last. It sucks, but it was fun at the time... I say, if you can get a job in another area in time, go for it. If you are where you want to be, you should think hard about it. I'm so miserable right now, but I did it to myself, so...

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Since you are not asking her out and don't want to date her, consider it flattering.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    A year is a long time for a crush. I'd be more inclined to think that she is simply friendly with you just because she likes you as a friend and is comfortable around you that way.

    When you work that closely together......don't pee in the water you are currently drinking.

    Overall, it sounds like you might be waking up to the idea of dating, which is good. However, that means work on your social life, get out, start meeting people, maybe check out some meetup groups and you never know who you might meet and click with or try online dating. In short, don't just reach for the nearest co-worker who is being friendly with you because that can backfire in too many ways and cost you not just your current job, but your career at large. Nothing like a sexual harassment claim to make sure you never find employment again. Breakups can get ugly, people can get incredibly vindictive, etc. Do not go there when it comes to work.

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    Thanks for all the responses everyone. I'm going address as much as I can in this post.

    First, to Rose Mosse: we have quite a bit in common, actually. Same travel interests, same type of upbringing even though we’re from different cultures (both traditional, neither of us born in the US), same sense of humor, etc… I’ve been married before, she has not. Neither of us has children. I think you’re implying that I’m a older, I’m 39 and she’s about to turn 30.

    Second, to DancingFool: my social life is awesome, actually. I go out with coworkers and old friends two or three nights a week. No problem meeting new people as I’m pretty outgoing and social. Just haven’t dated anyone new in a while, because you know…marriage and divorce. My employer actually doesn’t have a problem with coworker dating. There are a number of married couples I work with who actually met on the job. If anything were to develop into a serious relationship with a coworker, I can transfer to a different hospital within the same system without a problem.

    Third, to JamesDE: after my post last night, I went to work and thought about the situation for a long time. I ended up asking her to breakfast this morning and it went quite well. That’s when I found out we have a lot more in common than I thought (see my response above to Rose Mosse). We’ve plans to go to dinner again later this week. One thing I found out about her is that she’s quite forward. While talking she implied that she’d been trying to drop hints to me for months but thought I wasn’t interested since I never acted on them.

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