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Thread: Can sex with benefits bring back my ex-boyfriend

  1. #1
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    Can sex with benefits bring back my ex-boyfriend

    My ex and I dated for three years, we broke up three months ago. I initiated this breakup out of momentary anger because I felt like he no longer cared about me after he promised to call me when I was having a really bad day and ignored me to play video games and messaged me hours later like nothing had happened. It sounds childish but in the moment, I felt like he no longer cared. Obviously he did fight for me but i ignored him out of anger. The next night we met up and he agreed to breakup to which I said that i initiated a break out only our of momentary anger. That night he said he no longer loved me which does not reasonate with me since everything felt fine and he still fought for me the night before. We have been talking since (usually im the one initiating contact) and he responds with very short answers as he does not usually talk to people in general (introverted). He said that the notion of a relationship tired him. Itís been three months and we have been sexting and have met up three times to have sex. If we continue this friends with benefits relationship, is there a way for us to connect as lovers again and get back together? Iím also thinking of cutting off contact until he messages me first as I have been initiating contact all this time.

  2. #2
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    He's getting sex, sexting and companionship whenever he wants it.

    What benefit would he get out of a relationship with you that he's not currently getting?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you both are before saying more?

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how old you both are before saying more?
    Well he is 19 and I am 19

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    Well you did end the relationship so he probably thought it was over and started thinking about moving on. Not sure if having sex always brings back a relationship because sometimes it's just sex. Have you asked him what he thinks regarding getting back together?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The less you respect yourself, the less others will respect you too. Without respect, there can be no healthy place for love or a relationship to grow.

    I think it's a good idea to also take a look at why you want him to call you at the end of a bad day. Try not to take things out on him or expect him to bandage you up at the end of a bad day. I know that when I have bad days, I'm in no shape to face anyone and am usually not able to think clearly. I don't feel this is a healthy relationship for you and continuing on with him feels good in some spots, a little like rays of sporadic sunshine in a dense jungle, but it's fleeting and it doesn't last.

    It's far better to be with someone who can give you steady and real warmth from the inside and out, whose presence is far more stable than this. If you enjoy each others' company, I'd say stop having sex with him and learn to respect each other as people even if that means as friends first. You're not fulfilling your needs properly and this is a poor representation of what a relationship should be. Don't lose yourself to something that's just a shadow of what you imagine it to be.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    You sound all over the place and sorry to break the bad news, but this guy is just not that into you. So can you get him back with sex? No, not really.

    1)

    I don't have an objective picture of what happened in your relationship, but based on what you wrote, you broke up with him because you felt that he was not prioritizing you and giving you the attention that you wanted, you rejected his attempts to reconcile because you were still angry, but then when he accepted the break up the next evening, you suddenly wanted him back because you realized that he called your bluff. One word comes to me, drama. Maybe your guy is selfish and self-centered and prefers to play games instead of listening to you about your bad day, or maybe it is your constant drama and testing pushed him away. I am not really sure where the blame lies, it is up to you to self-reflect and see what really happened. But this stands out to me...

    He said that the notion of a relationship tired him.
    What he is really saying, I think, is that the notion of being in a relationship with you is tiring. Why does he feel that way? Are you dramatic? Are you needy? Are you controlling? A healthy relationship should not be exhausting for either party.

    2)
    he responds with very short answers as he does not usually talk to people in general (introverted)
    Introversion does not mean you do not bother to communicate with somebody you actually care about. I am not sure if I am an introvert, but I do not like big crowds, loud parties etc... and can come across introverted in those scenarios, but get me in a small group of friends that I am comfortable with, or one on one with somebody I enjoy the company of, I am a chatterbox with lots to say. If you got me one on one and I still don't have anything to say to you, I probably just don't like you and/or do not find you interesting company.

    3)
    Guys have a very low bar for sex. Basically if he finds you physically attractive and he can have sex with you without consequences, he will do just that. It does not mean he still cares about you, it does not mean he will grow feelings for you again. It just means your body excites his pen1s and he enjoys having sex with you. The fact that he repeatedly tells you that he does not want a relationship, that he does not love you, etc... is not some game he is playing, he is laying out his cards. Given those circumstances, if you are still willing to provide him with sexual gratification, then he is happy to comply. It is that simple.

    I once had a girlfriend who liked to test me, over time it became really annoying, one day she we had a fight and she said something like "it is over unless you apologize!" I don't know if she really expected me to back down and beg for her back, but from my perspective, it was over. A switch had flipped in my head, I was done with her even if she changed her mind. However, if she offered sex randomly with no strings attached, I absolutely would have taken up the offer. She was still hot!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    MK, I understand what you're saying but am not very keen about the broad generalizations regarding men. I've mingled with some discerning tastes in my time.

    The reason why I am also not keen is because it creates a dichotomy in relationships and perpetuates negative stereotypes and disrespect both ways. If men are as base as you say, women are no better than wooden pawns or selfish sycophants and tyrants. It's been my experience that there is more people than that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    No, sadly, sex with benefits can't bring back your ex. He has said that he no longer loves you and his actions (ignoring you to play video games, not wanting a relationship anymore, never initiating contact) match his words. The majority of single (and sometimes even attached) men/boys would not decline sex without strings but it is meaningless. This boy probably had already began to detach before the break up, hence you felt he no longer cared. You may have actually saved him the trouble of dumping you down the line. He initially fought for you because his ego was hurt but once he had some time to think about it, he realized he no longer wanted a relationship.

    Rewarding him with sex will not fix things and neither will cutting off contact in an effort to manipulate him. Once it gets to the point where you have to manipulate someone in order for him to contact you, it isn't worth it. No healthy relationship can come out of that.

    It sounds like your relationship had ran it's course and is now dead. You two were very young when you got together and sadly, he changed over time. His feelings changed. It happens all the time and it does suck. I am sorry for your loss. You did the best you knew how but it always takes two to tango. When someone tells you they no longer love you or when words and actions don't match, you should let go and move on. It always takes two to have a healthy relationship.

  11. #10
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    A month after our breakup we met up to talk, although I couldnít speak without crying. This in turn made him cry as well, he tells me that he still does care about me.

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