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Thread: Can sex with benefits bring back my ex-boyfriend

  1. #11
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    @Rose Mosse
    I guess my views are on the conservative end of the spectrum and I accept that men and women are different, without implying any superiority or inferiority between them.

    Also of course I do tend to generalize in my answers, because adding too many caveats would make my answers even longer and probably more confusing to readers, especially as OPs often come to this forum in a state of confusion and feeling overwhelmed. So yes I do tend to prescribe the most obvious medicine to the symptoms that I see, kind of an Occam's Razor's approach.

    To quote myself from above as an example:
    A switch had flipped in my head, I was done with her even if she changed her mind. However, if she offered sex randomly with no strings attached, I absolutely would have taken up the offer. She was still hot!
    In practice, she did not offer, not many self-respecting and confident women would. Also in reality, "no-strings attached" or "consequence-free" is impossible a lot of the time, so what I said was a theoretical scenario as opposed to anything realistic. Even in OP's case on this thread, she is trying to use sex as bait to reignited her extinguished relationship. In my example we were still going to the same university, we still lived in the same dorms, we had mutual friends, there was no way we could have been friends with benefits without some judgement from our peers and/or affecting our possible future relationships. Finally yes men have a very low bar for sex in general, but men do grow and mature, and other factors come into play to influence their decision making beyond just base instincts.

  2. 09-04-2019, 02:02 AM

  3. 09-04-2019, 02:07 AM

  4. #12
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    A month after our breakup we met up to talk, although I couldnít speak without crying. This in turn made him cry as well, he tells me that he still does care about me.
    He probably does still care about you. You were three years together and it has only been three months since the break up. The residual feelings of attachment stemming from a long term relationship do not disappear overnight. In fact, a part of him may always "care". However, caring and being in love is NOT the same thing. Crying does not mean he is still in love with you. Usually, in his situation it is about feeling guilt seeing you cry and sadness about what used to be but is no longer there.

  5. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, it's over. He's just using you for sex and nothing more.

    Time to end everything permanently.

  6. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    MK, I see what you mean. Thank you for clarifying. I see no difference in the difficulties of men or women and standards. Some men and women do have a propensity toward low standards. I think it's about flaws in our human character as a whole and all of us do mature and grow.

    It may be about us as humans raising our standards in order to stand for what we believe in in the end so that we live better and more fulfilling lives. For the OP, I hope that she realizes her worth and that she doesn't have to offer herself in ways that are not comfortable to her in the long term or in ways that are also not on her terms.

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  8. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. No, doing fwb is for sex not reconciling. You were playing childish games, having hissy fits and he's done. You're still playing games such as who contacts who first etc.

    It would be wiser to find better ways to deal with "having a bad day" than to get dramatic and dump someone in a drama queen rage. Learn to relax appropriately. Do something you like, work out, get to the gym, call a friend, watch tv, whatever. But don't call people to dump on them then have raging drama... As you can see this coping style made "a bad day" even worse.
    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    he promised to call me when I was having a really bad day and ignored me to play video games and messaged me hours later like nothing had happened. It sounds childish but in the moment, I felt like he no longer cared. Itís been three months and we have been sexting and have met up three times to have sex.

  9. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    😁😊😑😒😒😘😎😐😮😮🤔🤨
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  10. #17
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    No, having sex with no strings attached is not the way to bring to him back.

    Stop giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend without any commitment needed from him. You're only going to hurt yourself doing this. It sounds like the relationship had already run its course, especially given how young you both are. It would be best to cut the sex and sexting and work towards accepting that this is over.

    Sorry, OP. Let this be a lesson for the future - don't break up with someone unless you really mean it. And listen to your gut. While you were angry that specific night, perhaps this break-up had been coming for a while if you were no longer feeling like he was interested.

  11. #18
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    @Wiseman - lol. Nice edit :)

  12. #19
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    No. Actually, the opposite. It will be transparent and will show that you are desperate. Not a good or respectful look.

    Stop sleeping with him, and go no contact. Show yourself some self respect.

    Stop giving him the benefits of a gf, when he is only treating you as a booty call. He no longer loves you.

  13. #20
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. No, doing fwb is for sex not reconciling. You were playing childish games, having hissy fits and he's done. You're still playing games such as who contacts who first etc.

    It would be wiser to find better ways to deal with "having a bad day" than to get dramatic and dump someone in a drama queen rage. Learn to relax appropriately. Do something you like, work out, get to the gym, call a friend, watch tv, whatever. But don't call people to dump on them then have raging drama... As you can see this coping style made "a bad day" even worse.
    He is not your therapist, OP.

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