Am I being weak?

I met someone four years ago and felt a connection instantly. I met them through mutual friends on a night out, and it all started there. I have never felt the way I did when I met them, I could tell instantly that this was the person for me.

They lived about 5 hours away from me so we didn’t actually meet up for about 3/4 weeks but I was so besotted. We made it official the second time we met and I had never been so happy/nervous/excited in my life. Things were so amazing for the first 2 years, we saw each other every weekend and in a way the distance was nice as I missed them so much and got butterflies everytime I saw them. When I met this person, I didn’t have much in my life and they were everything to me, I remember thinking if they left me I would honestly have nothing and didn’t know whether I could carry on, which was a scary though and a lot of pressure.

About a year in I was having quite a rough time and wasn’t really myself, I just cried a lot and was very negative and down. I came home from college and had no job and no friends, I didn’t drive and home life wasn’t great. My only happiness was seeing them at the weekends and they were really really there for me. I made friends with their friends and family and the goal was for me to move there.

Eventually I got a job and started making friends of my own and this really improved my mental state, I began to realise that I did have good things in my life other than that one person (which I believe to be healthy). When this began to happen, I started to question my relationship slightly. There was no question that I was in love with this person, I was just concerned that maybe we weren’t as perfect together as I once thought. I know they would never cheat on me, but we do have some (slight) difference in interests which started to play in my mind. I thought, could I be happier? Which worried me a lot because I knew how happy I was at the start and I was scared that I wasn’t as happy anymore.

A few months of these feelings passed and I realised that I was being stupid, and differences aren’t always a bad thing and that I loved this person so much. My partner went on holiday with their work friends to Chicago and a few days in I just felt like something was wrong, they weren’t communicating with me as much and I just had a bad feeling.

A few weeks after they got home I brought it up in a light hearted way and then it all went down hill. They told me that they weren’t sure that they loved me anymore, and it broke me. I couldn’t believe it, I always thought they were so in love with me too (as I was told everyday for years and whilst they were away). I was in shock and felt bad in the same instance as you can’t help how you feel, so I didn’t want to punish them for this as I know they are a good person.

After it was said, we still spoke everyday and I was told that they were unsure how they feel and don’t want to say something and regret it. They said they just needed time to think, which I said was fine and waited a few days. I was told different things daily for months and am still in limbo. One minute, it’s over, the next they’re not sure and ‘think’ they still love me and want to be with me. I have seen them about 4 times in the last 5 months and everytime I see them it’s like we are still in a relationship. They act exactly the same. And I allow it to happen because I’m too scared to loose them.

In a way, it has helped me cope because I just feel like everything’s the same. We still speak everyday, I know they’re not speaking with anyone else and we are still sleeping together. However when I remember, I am heartbroken and confused all over again but I don’t want to bring the topic up as I’m scared of the answers I will get.

I know they care about me and I understand how it feels to be confused about the relationship. But I don’t know what I should be doing. On one hand I’m ok just waiting but how long will I have to wait? What if I wait and still don’t get the answer I want? What if I move on and regret it? I really feel like this is something so special and worth saving, but is that just because I’m afraid of change? I don’t want to lose them out my life forever, the thought makes me feel ill, but I’m not sure what else I can do.

Some of my friends tell me to just see what happens and wait for a while, and some tell me to just cut the cord and move on. I’m in my late 20’s, so my family keep telling me that I’m young and will find someone else, but I don’t want to. I want them. I’m worried that I’m hurting myself in the long run and am going to be even more hurt with a second rejection when I finally have to give an ultimatum, but I don’t even know if I am strong enough to do that.

I feel weak and stupid but at the same time ok because ‘nothing has changed’. They are honestly such a good person and I know this is hurting them too, I know what’s probably best for myself but what if i cut it all off when we could maybe work it out and be happier than ever?

Any advice would be really helpful i’m so stuck right now.

Thank you in advance