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Thread: are we FWB? Are we in a situationship ?am I his rebound? Is he bored or? Help

  1. #1

    are we FWB? Are we in a situationship ?am I his rebound? Is he bored or? Help

    So hes 26 M, I'm 25 F and I've been out of the dating game for a few years now, almost 3 or 4. There aren't many guys around me who are genuinely interested in me so I decided to get this dating app. I matched with this guy that literally lives down the road from me, so we went on a coffee date, and he seemed so nice and caring. I learned a lot about him, and we chat everyday.



    I had a little moment at one point though because the first time we met I liked him and thought he was sweet etc but then both him and I got busy and couldn't meet for a few weeks, and I kind of stopped replying to him at one point but he messaged me again saying my replies have become , then I felt bad and replied back and it made me feel like he actually cares. My past 'relationships' were all effort on my side and the guys were pretty unavailable and always ended fast, which is why I decided to stop dating for a bit to save me the heartache. So he seemed really different, when he messaged me we got back into the flow of texting regularly again and then he invited me to watch him perform at a local bar, and I did but left early and told him how great he was. We decided to meet 2 days later and we ate at a place nearby his and then went back to his. Now one of the 'red flags' which I tried to ignore was that he kept suggesting going back to his and I didn't want to because I'm the type of person who gets attached after sex, so the 3rd time we met after we ate we went back to his and to 'netflix and chill' basically and we ended up hooking up, which is what I was afraid of. I did clearly state on my profile that I wanted a relationship and not something casual and his profile also stated that he wanted a relationship but few days after we were talking on the app he changed it to 'don't know yet'. I noticed that but didn't think too deeply about it. Now at this point we've had sex, kissed and he's constantly complimenting me.

    We met again a few days later, went for a walk around the park and back to his to 'chill' and same thing again but I don't leave straight after which brings me to the conclusion that maybe he may still be interested in me as a gf? He baked cakes and left some for me, he makes me smoothies and plays his guitars to me and we chill like a normal couple?? He even kisses me on the forehead?? cheek? shoulder? and hugs me a lot.. The other day he went out for a meal with his mates and it was a place i'd never been to so I said 'I should go there', and then he turns around and says yeah 'we should go there together :)' ?!?!?!?! I'm confused. like it's been 2 months since we met, and I already like this guy?? I don't know much about his previous relationships though, but the other day I was at his and a call from a random number came through and he declined saying he doesn't pick up calls from numbers he doesn't recognise and that call came through twice and he rejected both times... and these days his replies are taking longer to come through , kinda pulling a slow fade I think but then he responds to every detail of my message properly when he does reply... it's giving me anxiety again, the reason why I stopped dating because I can't deal with this kind of stuff. I have a feeling his ex comes over or some other girls must go over to his when I'm not there? that just breaks my heart because he acts so genuinely interested in me and I'm pretty attached now :(

    Another thing, I wanted to mention was that, I'm of South Asian heritage and he's white, and I was wondering if he's only seeing me because he wanted something different? or just wanted to temporarily have fun and do coupley things? could that be a possibility? :( I told him I can't be seen with him yet because my asian parents friends would go and tell my parents and they would rather I date someone asian... but that doesn't mean I will because I'm looking for a relationship? but could that have made him think I'm not serious either? because I have developed feelings, genuinely, just because I'm an affection maybe.....lmao and libra lol he's leo, if anyone is curious lol

    Anyway long stort short, met guy off an app, talking for 2 months and been having sex but we also act like a couple, he stated he was looking for a relationship on his profile and then changed it to 'don't know yet' so now I'm confused if I'm someone he's genuinely considering as a gf or am I his fwb? is he just seeing me because I'm from a different ethnic background? what should I do? If I tell him I like him now [2 months in] would it be too early? we've met only like 4 times, but talk every day,,, I'm worried he might run away but then I guess that makes things clear for me :(



    Please help...........

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So four times means you get together once every two weeks. At this point, if he was really into you, I'd think there would be more progression by now, to at least once a week.

    The mistake you made is to go to his place before you were emotionally ready to have sex. When you have chemistry with someone, it's harder to stop yourself once you start making out and get carried away in the privacy of a home. You didn't wait to see if he really wanted to get to know you, without sex, with outings and a true interest in who you are, seeing if you're compatible.

    And when a woman has sex, hormones are released that makes her want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her.

    You're acting like you're on the bus and helpless as to where it will take you. You're supposed to have your butt squarely in the driver's seat. You slept with a guy before knowing what his end goal was, and just because a guy lists "long term" on a profile doesn't mean he's being honest. You have to wait and see over time if his behavior and efforts SHOW this is the case, or not.

    And stop feeling like your heart is breaking every time a relationship ends. Have the attitude that you will learn from every experience, what you want and don't want in a man, and have the wisdom to cut the losers loose as soon as you see he has a dealbreaker, and to keep dating a man when he shows you he is worthy of you. And if it ends, you will be fine and keep on with your search.

    It's also okay to ask what you want in a relationship and see if he's on the same page. You could always say to him, "What kind of dater are you? Do you like to multi-date, or do you like to focus on one person at a time?" And then listen. If he doesn't match in the way you like to date, move on.

    I, for one, have never wanted to sleep with someone who was free to sleep with others. I held out for men who matched me in that area. If you're afraid of losing someone by asking for what you want, he's not the right person for you anyway.

    If you don't care that your parents have to approve of who you date, then don't bring that aspect up, that he will have to be a secret, because if you plan on keeping someone secret, you shouldn't be dating him. Make up your mind.

    Your lack of self-esteem and confidence is something you will need to work on or you will attract, and be attracted to, men who are bullies and/or men who won't treat you right.

    You might want to have a talk with this guy, but from you write, he's just not that into you. Talking every day is not a sign of great interest. Take care.

  3. #3
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    You have been dating two months and have only met 4 times. That is not good. I do not think you are acting like a couple, at all.

    It seems that you have not had a proper date, except for the first meeting. Him always pushing you to go to his home early on, demonstrates he only wanted sex- If you wanted a relationship, you should not have slept with him so early. I do think that you are a FWB, as you do not go out or see one another.

    Texting means absolutely nothing if you are not spending time together. You need to cut this off, as I do not think that he is really interested in anything more that a FWB.

    In the future, do not go to a guy's home, unless you intend to sleep with them.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    So four times means you get together once every two weeks. At this point, if he was really into you, I'd think there would be more progression by now, to at least once a week.

    The mistake you made is to go to his place before you were emotionally ready to have sex. When you have chemistry with someone, it's harder to stop yourself once you start making out and get carried away in the privacy of a home. You didn't wait to see if he really wanted to get to know you, without sex, with outings and a true interest in who you are, seeing if you're compatible.

    And when a woman has sex, hormones are released that makes her want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her.

    You're acting like you're on the bus and helpless as to where it will take you. You're supposed to have your butt squarely in the driver's seat. You slept with a guy before knowing what his end goal was, and just because a guy lists "long term" on a profile doesn't mean he's being honest. You have to wait and see over time if his behavior and efforts SHOW this is the case, or not.

    And stop feeling like your heart is breaking every time a relationship ends. Have the attitude that you will learn from every experience, what you want and don't want in a man, and have the wisdom to cut the losers loose as soon as you see he has a dealbreaker, and to keep dating a man when he shows you he is worthy of you. And if it ends, you will be fine and keep on with your search.

    It's also okay to ask what you want in a relationship and see if he's on the same page. You could always say to him, "What kind of dater are you? Do you like to multi-date, or do you like to focus on one person at a time?" And then listen. If he doesn't match in the way you like to date, move on.

    I, for one, have never wanted to sleep with someone who was free to sleep with others. I held out for men who matched me in that area. If you're afraid of losing someone by asking for what you want, he's not the right person for you anyway.

    If you don't care that your parents have to approve of who you date, then don't bring that aspect up, that he will have to be a secret, because if you plan on keeping someone secret, you shouldn't be dating him. Make up your mind.

    Your lack of self-esteem and confidence is something you will need to work on or you will attract, and be attracted to, men who are bullies and/or men who won't treat you right.

    You might want to have a talk with this guy, but from you write, he's just not that into you. Talking every day is not a sign of great interest. Take care.
    I agree. Take the profiles with a grain of salt. You are being very naive.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj

    In the future, do not go to a guy's home, unless you intend to sleep with them.
    This!!!!!!!!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You have been dating two months and have only met 4 times. That is not good. I do not think you are acting like a couple, at all.

    It seems that you have not had a proper date, except for the first meeting. Him always pushing you to go to his home early on, demonstrates he only wanted sex- If you wanted a relationship, you should not have slept with him so early. I do think that you are a FWB, as you do not go out or see one another.

    Texting means absolutely nothing if you are not spending time together. You need to cut this off, as I do not think that he is really interested in anything more that a FWB.

    In the future, do not go to a guy's home, unless you intend to sleep with them.
    I agree except for the last bit - I think once you've been out a number of times it's fine if you feel safe to go to a man's home and have a brief discussion in advance, in person or on the phone (not text!) as to your boundaries. Simple and direct -I used to say "I'm looking forward to seeing your place and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." Every time I can remember saying that the response was a very simple "cool" or similar. And all was well. But it needed to be in advance, simple and direct, no back story, no apologies so that the man who really wanted to get to know me would respond in the way that showed that even if he wouldn't necessarily decline sex his motive in having me over was not to have sex. But no not on the first or second time I met someone with rare exception (rare = we already knew each other, we were introduced by trusted friends, there was a separate reason why going to his place made sense - and not because of alcohol -never been drunk, never was at all tipsy when out with someone new).

    Your post comes across as really passive, OP like you're sort of trying to excuse this as one of those "oh it just happened" or "somehow we ended up having sex." This is all your choice -from going to his place, to having sex, etc.

    Here's the substance of what is happening - you met someone recently, you had sex early on, you are still having sex. You've seen him a handful of times and the focus is sex. If he wanted to get to know you as a person he'd be suggesting proper dates in public or accepting your invitations for proper dates in public. He is not because he's not motivated to. One of the reasons is because you're agreeing to go to his place and have sex.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree except for the last bit - I think once you've been out a number of times it's fine if you feel safe to go to a man's home and have a brief discussion in advance, in person or on the phone (not text!) as to your boundaries. Simple and direct -I used to say "I'm looking forward to seeing your place and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." Every time I can remember saying that the response was a very simple "cool" or similar. And all was well. But it needed to be in advance, simple and direct, no back story, no apologies so that the man who really wanted to get to know me would respond in the way that showed that even if he wouldn't necessarily decline sex his motive in having me over was not to have sex. But no not on the first or second time I met someone with rare exception (rare = we already knew each other, we were introduced by trusted friends, there was a separate reason why going to his place made sense - and not because of alcohol -never been drunk, never was at all tipsy when out with someone new).

    Your post comes across as really passive, OP like you're sort of trying to excuse this as one of those "oh it just happened" or "somehow we ended up having sex." This is all your choice -from going to his place, to having sex, etc.

    Here's the substance of what is happening - you met someone recently, you had sex early on, you are still having sex. You've seen him a handful of times and the focus is sex. If he wanted to get to know you as a person he'd be suggesting proper dates in public or accepting your invitations for proper dates in public. He is not because he's not motivated to. One of the reasons is because you're agreeing to go to his place and have sex.
    I put in the last bit, because she said she was not ready to have sex with him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's whatever your actions decide it will be. If you go on regular dates, get to know each other have the exclusive conversation, etc. then it's dating. When you decide to be all over the place and are unsure of who you're with or what you want, you get confusing results like this.

  10. #9
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    "Another thing, I wanted to mention was that, I'm of South Asian heritage and he's white, and I was wondering if he's only seeing me because he wanted something different? or just wanted to temporarily have fun and do coupley things? could that be a possibility? :( I told him I can't be seen with him yet because my asian parents friends would go and tell my parents and they would rather I date someone asian... but that doesn't mean I will because I'm looking for a relationship? but could that have made him think I'm not serious either?"

    Yeah that's right, I think this kind of comment would make you come off as not serious and also kind of rude. I'm white and I'm just imagining if I was on a date with someone from another ethinicity/culture and the person said they can't be seen with me and their parents would rather they dated XYZ ethnic people. So basically it's saying they're embarrassed to be seen with you and they're probably not taking you seriously due to their family's beliefs. I think that also could have made him think it was going to be just sex. But by the sounds of it he was probably also looking just for sex so in a sense you made it easier for him not to see you as girlfriend material (which he probably already didn't).

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    If I tell him I like him now [2 months in] would it be too early? we've met only like 4 times, but talk every day,,, I'm worried he might run away but then I guess that makes things clear for me :(
    I'm sorry, but I'll never understand why one finds it difficult/too early to ask a simple question, yet by the same token find it not too early to sleep together.

    I may get slammed for this, but it's a matter of "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"

    JMO...

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