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Thread: Should one ever do "no contact"?

  1. #1
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    Should one ever do "no contact"?

    In another thread of mine there has been a discussion on doing "NC" and it got me thinking whether it actually is ever a good idea (or I at least would like to know under what circumstances it is one).
    There is a LOT of information out there with most saying that as a guy you should go all alpha to reattract your ex. To do this they recommend going NC immediately.
    However there is also conflicting information out there like an article I found via google in which the premise is "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them".
    So who is right and what is the "correct" of doing things? I'd love to know your opinion on this!

  2. #2
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    All of those ridiculous programs leave out the most important factor...free will. If your ex is done they are done. No program or plan or "acting alpha" can change the mind of someone who has decided what they want (or don't want).

    I really hope you didn't waste any money on a "full program for best results complete with sample texts!!!"

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think clear communication is key to relationships. Also, tact, discretion, integrity, treating others with dignity, honor and respect. Too much contact isn't good either. No one enjoys being hounded and henpecked. People enjoy healthy SPACE.

    Too much familiarity breeds contempt.

    Keep things at a happy medium and balanced. Don't contact excessively, never play mind games and head trips. Use common sense and correspond within reason. Don't over do it and don't be glued to your cell phone / PC.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Speaking in broad brushstrokes, I don't think anyone has found themselves in a healthy, satisfying reunion with an ex because they broke their back, brain, and heart trying to get someone back. What you're describing, be it contact or no contact, alpha or beta, is basically manipulation. It's indulging your ego at the expense of someone else's truth, and of reality in general, which is simply a weak and unattractive thing to cultivate.

    The correct way to do things, when broken up with, is to go through a breakup. Accept it, process it, feel it, let go. Do you, be you. Get small, get humble. If reconciliation is in the cards it isn't going to come about by obsessively moving chess pieces on the board, but because the game came to an end. Truth is that any plan of attack you try solely with the hopes of getting back together will fail—even if you ended up back together. A moment of "victory," sure, but you won't respect someone who you manipulated into feeling something for you, nor will you respect yourself for being manipulative. And those seeds of mutual disrespect will be the foundation of the new thing—a foundation that will likely crumble at lightspeed.

    Not fun to hear, I know. But you know what is fun? Living for yourself and learning to accept what life throws your way. Makes you an evolved, attractive person. People gravitate toward that. Whether it's your ex or someone else won't even matter to you. Try to take that long view and you'll be in much better shape than the way you're going about things now.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Speaking in broad brushstrokes, I don't think anyone has found themselves in a healthy, satisfying reunion with an ex because they broke their back, brain, and heart trying to get someone back. What you're describing, be it contact or no contact, alpha or beta, is basically manipulation. It's indulging your ego at the expense of someone else's truth, and of reality in general, which is simply a weak and unattractive thing to cultivate.

    The correct way to do things, when broken up with, is to go through a breakup. Accept it, process it, feel it, let go. Do you, be you. Get small, get humble. If reconciliation is in the cards it isn't going to come about by obsessively moving chess pieces on the board, but because the game came to an end. Truth is that any plan of attack you try solely with the hopes of getting back together will fail—even if you ended up back together. A moment of "victory," sure, but you won't respect someone who you manipulated into feeling something for you, nor will you respect yourself for being manipulative. And those seeds of mutual disrespect will be the foundation of the new thing—a foundation that will likely crumble at lightspeed.

    Not fun to hear, I know. But you know what is fun? Living for yourself and learning to accept what life throws your way. Makes you an evolved, attractive person. People gravitate toward that. Whether it's your ex or someone else won't even matter to you. Try to take that long view and you'll be in much better shape than the way you're going about things now.
    Hi TestTest,

    I just wanted to agree 100% with bluecastle here, from personal experience. Please, read this and reflect on it.

    Good luck,

    T

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them"
    Using NC as a form of punishment or as a way to get a girl to chase you is manipulative and hurtful.

    Using NC as a way to allow yourself time to heal, to set boundaries, and to allow the process of letting go to happen shows self-awareness, humility, and acceptance.

    ETA: I just read your other posts... you are very much focused on you and what you want, which I suppose is normal, but what you are missing is what she wants... which is not to be with you anymore. I don't know about this girl, but for me... if a guy ignores how I feel and continues pursuing, despite me having set boundaries and communicated how I feel, that pretty much just solidifies why the relationship needs to be over.

    That article you quote? Might work in situations where there has been a conflict and one person tends to shut down emotionally and avoid talking about their feelings. In this situation? There is no conflict, she is done with the relationship. Her feelings for you have changed. It happens, all the time, you just need to read some of the many posts on here from both sides of the equation.
    Last edited by maew; 09-03-2019 at 11:02 AM.

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    I did not start this thread to get advice for ME but rather for everyone that is confused with all the conflicting NC "rules" out there.
    Some say don't ever do NC, others say do NC 100%. People that are looking for this kind of info are vulnerable (just like myself) and a thread with unbiased and logical reasoning on the subject is probably highly appreciated.
    If you guys want to give me advice please check out my other thread where I explain my story - maybe you have some good tips for me to cope with my specific situation.

  9. #8
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    No contact is for healing and moving on, not manipulating others.

    The bottom line: she is done. Accept it!

    Most of us have been in your shoes. This is why we are responding as we are.

  10. #9
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    @maew
    Can you post in my other thread so I can give a response to this? I don't want to derail this topic. Thanks!

  11. #10
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    But you wouldn't have started this thread if you weren't looking for answers for your situation.

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