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Thread: Should one ever do "no contact"?

  1. #11
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    I am looking for answers to my situation in my other thread. This here was really just to have a place with information on the whole conflicting NC situation so that others can find and use it and not be stuck deciding who to believe (funny enough I realized that I personally am obviously more drawn to believe NC is bad because it seems easier and you wouldn't have to resist the urge to contact your ex)

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Using NC as a form of punishment or as a way to get a girl to chase you is manipulative and hurtful.

    Using NC as a way to allow yourself time to heal, to set boundaries, and to allow the process of letting go to happen shows self-awareness, humility, and acceptance.
    I'll highlight this to try to answer your "general" question. Whether you're in contact or "in NC" isn't, in my opinion, really important in this vulnerable state. What's important is that you recognize the vulnerable state and its root: a relationship has ended, you are hurt and confused, and that's just how you're going to feel for a bit.

    What is the best treatment for that confusion, that hurt? For some it might be no contact, for others some light contact during the untangling stages, for others still a fair amount of contact, particularly when children and finances are involved. All that tends to change as time passes. The focus is on healing and moving forward, in short, not in staying frozen in pain and looking for ways to get the other person to heal or soften that pain for you.

    If any of the above, from no contact to lots of contact, is for other reasons—like getting back together or just feeling momentarily better—you're not doing yourself, or anyone, any favors. You're letting ego, not humility, steer the ship. It's basically like treating a sprained ankle by running a marathon or taking lots of morphine instead of just laying down, resting a bit, and accepting that sometimes living can feel defeating.

    It takes humility to lay down when all you want is to run. It also means you'll run better, stronger, and faster when you're ready. For most people, a period of no contact or very limited contact is simply needed—to allow the door to close rather than keep it pried open. Some naturally understand this, others need to experience life with those doors pried open to learn the benefits of letting them close. And, sure, plenty of others resist humility at all costs. Not the cutest look, since it means you're kind of making a wardrobe out of red flags.

    Personally, I've never followed hard rules but have naturally found that the best way to handle a breakup, regardless of which side I'm on, is to create some very real distance so I can get back on my own feet. Most of the people I've been involved with, I guess, have a similar approach, which meant we didn't talk for a while—with "a while" ranging from a few months to a few years to forever. It's kind of all the same if you can zoom out far enough.

    In your shoes right now, or anyone in your shoes? I'd just suggest to process this level of obsession over contact vs no contact as a symptom of the larger pain and confusion. Be honest about that. Then be honest about what steps lead to you feeling better, more secure.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    To clear things up "doing NC" is not a gimmick to get your ex back. Once you are broken up for good it's for you to clear your head and move forward. it's not to teach anyone a lesson or hope they miss you. Get off all those "get your ex back" sites.

    You can't re-attract an ex. It's over and they lost attraction before it was. It's also not in your control whether they have moved on, have someone new or have simply lost interest.

    By the way, alphas don't want an ex back. When it's done, it's done and they move on.
    Originally Posted by TestTest
    doing "NC" and it got me thinking whether it actually is ever a good idea
    There is a LOT of information out there with most saying that as a guy you should go all alpha to reattract your ex.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The general answer is neither.

    If you try to maintain contact, your ex might tolerate for a little while, but then they'll cut you off because they decided to end things and move on. Most people will cut you off the moment whatever shared things that you had during the relationship are split up and sorted out. Your ex, generally, isn't looking to stay friends with you even if they say they are, they don't really mean it. In fact, many will find your contact and refusal to accept that it's over rather annoying. It's only a matter of time before they get annoyed enough to block you for good and for your own good in a way....it's just not exactly a dignified way to part ways and will sting.

    NC is not there to attract your ex or make them miss you. If you got dumped, it's because your ex already decided that their life is better without you in it. NC is there for you to heal and move on. Contacting your ex tends to stop you from healing and drags things out and makes things unnecessarily painful for you the dumpee.

    The whole "get your ex back" industry and all those articles you read are basically smart but utterly ruthless people cashing in on people who are vulnerable and in pain. They are telling you what you want to hear but it's about as effective as buying a magic potion. It's not going to work because your ex has this thing called free will and free choice and the best thing that you can do is respect it and come to terms with it with maximum dignity and grace.

    The very few couples who do get back together successfully, it's usually because time has passed, they have both healed, moved on, grown personally and if they get back together, they are able to start over on a fresh page and resolve what didn't work out the first time. This is very very very rare. Like you would have a better chance at winning the lottery jackpot kind of rare. In most cases, even if people get back together, they quickly fall apart again because what wasn't working before, still doesn't work.

    Break ups suck and hurt, but it's important to take a deep breath and get some perspective - your relationship wasn't perfect and this person who left you isn't the last woman on earth. Better to think and take some lessons away than fixate on how to get them back. People aren't object you possess and get back like errant sheep - that attitude alone is well worth exploring and recalibrating.

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  6. #15
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    If you are broken up with someone, what does being broken up mean if you are constantly in their face?

    The only time "Getting your ex back" actually works is if the relationship was pretty great, but circumstances broke you up (for example, college or an employment contract is over and with no job offer local, one person has no choice but to move back to their home state, and the other person cannot/will not follow) - then if those circumstances change - the person that could not move decides they made the biggest mistake, hustles to find a job near their ex and closes the gap (WITH both parties wanting eachother back).

    TACTICS do not work.

    If you don't go "no contact" - you are not accepting the break up. I will say from experience one guy who i broke up with (well, he broke up with me twice and i finally broke up with him once and for all) tried to be my friend to "just have me in his life" and ultimately hoping to get me back. It didn't work. I finally cut off contact and it was the best thing i did. He would contact me every 6 months or send me a card every six months trying to stay in the game. He finally got the message when my mom answered the phone and told him i had a boyfriend.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    By the way, alphas don't want an ex back. When it's done, it's done and they move on
    Truer words have never been spoken.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    what is the "correct" of doing things?
    It depends on your goal.


    If you want to reconcile, you have to communicate with the other person. Disappearing & not talking indicates that you don't care or that you are playing games & you are cruel.

    NC is a means to help you heal. It's function is not to manipulate somebody to come back to you.

    Post break up, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Rather, out of sight, out of mind.

    Especially if you are the dumpee, you best concentrate on your own healing. Debasing yourself by chasing after somebody who has already rejected you only delays your healing & does not make the other person want you want. It just makes them annoyed.

  9. #18
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    There is no correct way of doing things. This is life, there is no instruction manual that will tell you what to do.

    I feel good general advice on breakups is to go 100% no contact until you are no longer emotionally affected by the loss of that person. That desperation has a way of making your contact or attempts at reconciliation have the opposite effect than you intend.

    And at that point, whatever happens happens right? Because you have moved on too.

    If you aren't responsible for the breakup, whether you intend a reconciliation or not is of no consequence.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I didn't realize "no contact" was a thing up until a couple of years ago. I generally don't think pressing the reverse button on a relationship that has ended is a good idea and I don't think it's useful to give anyone the cold shoulder in a relationship. The term seems to be so heavily loaded now with scammy and weird online meanings that it's best to avoid it in break ups altogether.

    I have requested privacy after a break up and what that means is mutual respect in the healing process. This has worked best for me.

    I also don't believe in alpha or beta types. I think we are all born into our own perfection and our state of mind is reflective only of how comfortable we are in ourselves. In every approach there is some wisdom. I don't believe in duplicity and manipulation. As long as you are true to yourself, you'll find a way to sidestep the negative approaches and find your way back to living happily and true to yourself with or without someone you think is important to you at the time. Don't be afraid to exist independently and find your own strength on your own.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I didn't realize "no contact" was a thing up until a couple of years ago. I generally don't think pressing the reverse button on a relationship that has ended is a good idea and I don't think it's useful to give anyone the cold shoulder in a relationship.
    I like what you say after this but I am confused. What do you mean by pressing the reverse button? And how can you give the cold shoulder in a relationship... when you are not in a relationship. Someone says they don't want to date you anymore, that usually means - surprisingly - they don't want to date you anymore. If the further contact is going to be of the form "are you sure you don't want to date me?" or "look at all the great things about me, don't you think you want me back now?" that's one sided and disingenuous. Even if you can maintain something resembling friendship, those old feelings have a habit of popping back up when you least expect it and hurting you all over again.

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