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How easy is it to meet someone when travelling?


h0000

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my BF is now overseas travelling and my anxiety is coming up..He's going with friends, they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with.

 

This is a new relationship, but we've met the parents,made future plans, the friends he's going with are decent guys too and I dont believe there is bad influence. But I know you meet lots of people on the road, from parties, from hostels, or wherever...I heard stories about how people meet romantic interests while travelling and I keep having thoughts that BF might meet someone else?

But I know those worries serve me nothing good and I want to stop, but I kind of cant....so thought maybe I could get some insight/help from here?

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This seems like another variation on the common theme "my man is going on holiday with his friends, I am worried he will cheat on me whilst he is away!" So I am just going to copy-paste a previous answer.

 

Unless your man's friends are misogynist and/or amoral a-holes, the fact that they are going as a group basically prevents any of them from cheating on any partners at home. Because most mature and decent guys have at least a basic moral compass and we like our friends to also be basically decent human beings. A group of guys might banter among themselves about girls, tolerate or even encourage some naughtiness like flirting with a cute girl, telling crude jokes or whatever... but we know where the line is, and if it is crossed, a guy would likely face criticism from his friends, who may even inform his partner, especially if any of them are mutual friends of hers. Basically it is a self-policing system for really bad behaviour.

 

I have considered cheating recently (please do not judge too harshly, you do not know the context and I have decided not to do it because it is wrong regardless) and went on a few dates, I absolutely would not consider telling any of my friends about it, even if they do not know my girlfriend or have any means to tell her... because it is amoral and I do not want my peers to think of me as an amoral human being. If I cheat in my romantic life, I automatically also become a less reliable friend, colleague and regarded with lower moral standards.

 

i.e. if a guy is gonna cheat on you, it is unlikely that he's gonna do it on holiday with his friends, because he won't be able to hide it from them.

 

In addition to the above, does his travel buddies know about you? Has your BF introduced you to his friends? Since you called it "travelling" instead of "holiday", I am going to assume that your BF is doing something like a trip through Europe, or Asia, or whatever, and not just hanging out with mates on a party island like Ibiza or Magaluf. If the trip is a trip, you should be safe. If he is just hanging out on a party island, then there would be more to be concerned about, but it still does not mean he will cheat. Oh and the final point of legitimate concern is if he is going on a trip with both guys and girls, and there is anything between him and a travel-mate. In my experience, travelling together is rather conducive to building romantic attraction and sexual tension.

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Perhaps I should be more specific, hes going with guy friends only and travel through multiple cities. I have met all the friends, all good people.There will be parties, drinks, there will also be sightseeing activities. I actually don't think he will have casual sex, because I know he's smarter than that, also cuz his friends will not be ok with it.

 

But I kind of worry he will meet someone and actually grow feelings for her...cuz then you cant really call that cheating?

 

I'm just really paranoid...

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It would not be cheating if he met somebody he liked on the trip, but did not do anything about it because he is in a relationship, but possibly breaks up with you later to be with her. I was actually on the receiving end of something like with my ex at university. She went on a trip with course mates and broke up with me after the trip. A few months later she started dating another guy on that trip. Our breakup was amicable and I wasn't angry or hurt.

 

Why?

 

Simple really, she didn't actually cheat on me, I don't know if she was tempted, but she did not because her friends and peers would have judged her even if she was not constrained by her own sense of right and wrong. She handled the fact that she felt something stronger with somebody else than me in a way that was respectful and mature, which I appreciate, and in return I gave her new relationship my full blessings, and even stuck to her version of events when asked (by mutual friends) about why we broke up.

 

Maybe I didn't really love her, I guess if I was more deeply in love and committed, I would have been more heartbroken and disappointed, but my thinking is that, "our relationship fizzled, she met somebody she connected with better, she did not cheat on me, I have not been made to look an idiot... so why be angry? I want to be with somebody who is passionate about being with me. I don't want her to just "settle" with being with me, so if that connection is not there anymore, or if she feels it stronger with somebody else, then my relationship has reached end of the line. I will cherish the memories and move on."

 

Anyway I have really digressed, it seems like you have serious trust issues and insecurity... part of the reason why I went into my thinking about that breakup is because I want you to approach relationships with an open minded mentality of "let's see how it goes" as opposed to "omg I can't lose him, what if I lose him?! what if he falls for somebody else?!"... which is the vibe I am getting.

 

Being paranoid, insecure, clingy etc... is not attractive and will drive him away. Be confident in yourself, work on yourself, have your own life, goals and ambitions. Know that you are desirable and that he should consider himself fortunate that you decided to give him a chance to be with you, to make room on your life's journey for him. Make him work for your relationship (not in a petty testing kind of way though) and do not denigrate yourself in-front of him. Do not make your relationship and this guy more important than yourself and your own life.

 

You might then just find that everything will just fall into place anyway. And if not... there's probably a queue of guys hoping to get a turn on sharing your life's journey with you.

 

Good luck!

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Having traveled and backpacked at one point myself, yes, it’s very easy to meet other people. Young folks tend to hang out in the same places, find accommodation in the same places, be out for a good time.

 

You’re worried about the wrong things, though. It doesn’t matter how easy it is to meet someone if you’re committed to your relationship. Yes, holiday hookups and flings abound - but only for those who are single or not invested in their significant others back home.

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. Make him work for your relationship (not in a petty testing kind of way though) and do not denigrate yourself in-front of him. Do not make your relationship and this guy more important than yourself and your own life.

 

How do I exactly make him "work" for the relationship ?

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How long have you been dating? Have you had the 'exclusive' conversation yet? How long will he be away and what type of communication did you agree on? If he doesn't meet anyone, great. If he does, then he's not invested and not the right guy for you, so either way it works out for you.

they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with. This is a new relationship
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How do I exactly make him "work" for the relationship ?

 

As I said, don't make your life revolve around him. At the simplest level, do you make all of your time available for him, or do you have other things in your life? so he has to fit himself into your schedule. Does he do thoughtful things for you? Does he take care of you? Does he prioritize you over other things? I don't mean that he should make his life revolve around you instead, a healthy and lasting relationship should be balanced. If only one person is invested, or significantly more invested than the other, then the relationship will not last.

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TBH this is a really good relationship so far, and healthy (we do still have our own lives, but both make time for each other) and he's been a great BF. I can even say he is the best BF I have ever had (in terms of how he treated me so far).

But this relationship is new like i said, a shy 6 months. So I guess we have not had a strong,deep foundation yet. I know this is a good opportunity to see how committed he is but, I would still feel really really sad if he meet someone else and this doesnt work out.

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It's as easy as him going to a pub on a Wednesday night with friends and hooking up with a woman he met there. It could happen at any time. If you think the relationship is that weak, then you're going to have a lot of worry-filled nights. You have to believe it isn't that weak and that you both bring enough to the relationship to keep it going. A healthy relationship is made up of trust and both mutual and separate interests among many other things.

 

I get the feeling that the clamps will be coming down the more secure you feel in letting your insecurities known. In other words, future discussions that go something like "if you really cared about me, you would only travel with me or spend time with me." It's a familiar scenario to be said both by men and women. That's when relationships end or get very unpleasant to be in. Don't let that happen.

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OK, let me take a different tack.

 

Why should he trust you to not cheat just because you stayed home?

 

I mean, surely there are loads of men where you are that could spark your fancy if he is gone.

 

I think your anxiety is making you think your guy is at risk for cheating.

 

I think it fair to say that if he were anxious about you, wouldn't you think it silly?

 

Same answer for you regarding him.

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my BF is now overseas travelling and my anxiety is coming up..He's going with friends, they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with.

 

This is a new relationship, but we've met the parents,made future plans, the friends he's going with are decent guys too and I dont believe there is bad influence. But I know you meet lots of people on the road, from parties, from hostels, or wherever...I heard stories about how people meet romantic interests while travelling and I keep having thoughts that BF might meet someone else?

But I know those worries serve me nothing good and I want to stop, but I kind of cant....so thought maybe I could get some insight/help from here?

 

It's really really easy to meet people when traveling especially since at least I feel freer and less constrained by "shoulds" It's really easy to act inconsistently in a committed relationship -or cheat -you can make a split second choice and then -you're flirting with someone and not in a harmless way, you're kissing someone, you choose to get drunk because it's vacation and choose the consequences.

 

So easy. And here's the thing. That's irrelevant. Also irrelevant who he is traveling with. All that is relevant is Do you trust him? If not, don't be with him. Do you believe he will make choices no matter where he is that are consistent with being in a committed relationship (which includes not playing with fire -meaning not choosing a situation where he is sharing a bed with a woman he doesn't know "because she had nowhere else to stay and we had a hotel room")? If you believe he wants to be with you and be in a committed relationship with you it does not matter if he is with you or not. Yes, it does matter if he chooses to play with fire. So if he is not with you because he's going to his ex girlfriend's house and she is drunk and wants to have sex with him, then his choice matters -he is then playing with fire and playing with fire is not consistent with being in a committed relationship just like buying your favorite chocolate cake when you've sworn off chocolate cake is not consistent with making changes in your eating.

 

So yes it's so easy. And whether it's easy or not has nothing to do with your relationship.

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Personally, I would welcome the opportunity to challenge your 6 month relationship at this point.

 

Think about it for a moment - if it were you going on a girls vacation, imagine you're crazy about your new guy. Are you going to want to hook up with someone else on vacation? Probably not. Probably not because this new relationship is important enough to you to not want to jeopardize it in any way.

 

If it happens your new guy doesn't feel the same way and can be easily be influenced, then you don't want him anyway. Right?

If he's `that guy' I'd rather know now then 2 years from now.

 

You can't follow him and monitor his activity, so sitting home worrying about is pointless. It's not going to change anything and it will just make you miserable.

 

Trust him, trust him to have a good time and use good judgement. Trust that if he were to meet someone, you'll find out anyway. Between now and then, stop worrying about it and plan something fun to do with your own friends while he's away.

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Perhaps I should be more specific, hes going with guy friends only and travel through multiple cities. I have met all the friends, all good people.There will be parties, drinks, there will also be sightseeing activities. I actually don't think he will have casual sex, because I know he's smarter than that, also cuz his friends will not be ok with it.

 

But I kind of worry he will meet someone and actually grow feelings for her...cuz then you cant really call that cheating?

 

I'm just really paranoid...

 

No it would not be cheating and I'm really confused at how you describe this - "grow feelings??" It's all a choice. People who are committed do not choose to interact with other people in a way that would encourage a physical attraction AND people who are committed and feel attracted to another person - cuz we're all human - CHOOSE not to react by behaving in a way that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's not about some passive "grow feelings". A person chooses how to react to feelings. And it doesn't matter in the least whether you call it cheating or nutella or sneezing. If someone acts inconsistently with being in a committed relationship you two then talk about why you found it inconsistent and decide how to proceed.

 

Example. My future husband and I were dating about two months. Very seriously. Very exclusive. A platonic male friend wanted to hang out on a Friday night -a "date night". We'd never dated. Never kissed. Yes about two years earlier I'd been attracted to him and maybe him to me but because of certain dealbreakers we'd never dated, gone on to be friends, the attraction faded at least on my side.

Seemingly on his too.

So we made plans to meet with my future husband for dinner and maybe one other person. They'd never met before. Then the platonic friend asked me if he and I could meet an hour earlier just one on one as he had some personal stuff he wanted to talk about and had never met my future husband. My husband said he would not be comfortable with that arrangement. He said he hadn't seen me much that week, Friday is a date night, and he didn't like having to show up later in the evening in that situation. Guess what. My platonic friend not only understood but went out of his way when he met my boyfriend to be very attentive, friendly, and thoughtful to him. They never became independently good friends but they got along just fine. That's my point - as a couple you talk about what acceptable boundaries are. They differ per couple. Cheating is at an extreme. Many agree on what cheating is -having sex with another person.

 

Also please stop the nonsense about what his friends would think if he had casual sex. That would not stop him at all if he wanted to have casual sex. And think about it -if he said "ok well I wanted to have sex with this really hot tourist but you know I didn't because my friends would not have been ok with it". Really? Then you're feeling good and warm and fuzzy?

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Well....if you were in his shoes, traveling with your gal pals, would you "grow" feelings for some guy and cheat on your bf? Sometimes these kinds of fears originate within your own inner and lesser self and are more a reflection of what you would do, but don't want done to you, than anything else. Not saying you are that kind of a person, simply food for thought. Beware of what's driving your thinking/fear. People quite often tend to project their own behavior and thinking onto others. Sometimes in good ways, such as I'm a trustworthy person and assume others are too...or in bad ways, I wouldn't be trustworthy in this situation so I don't trust others either.

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my BF is now overseas travelling and my anxiety is coming up..He's going with friends, they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with.

 

This is a new relationship, but we've met the parents,made future plans, the friends he's going with are decent guys too and I dont believe there is bad influence. But I know you meet lots of people on the road, from parties, from hostels, or wherever...I heard stories about how people meet romantic interests while travelling and I keep having thoughts that BF might meet someone else?

But I know those worries serve me nothing good and I want to stop, but I kind of cant....so thought maybe I could get some insight/help from here?

 

If he's going to stray this early, count your blessings. In other words, good riddance. You do not need a man like this. I'd say the same thing if it were my husband. It's his choice whether he wants to stay or go. Each person should be awarded that amount of free will regardless of how new or old a relationship or what type of commitment is involved. In no way, shape or form do we own our partners or their ability to choose when to stay and when to go, or what type of decisions they should make of their own volition. Trust in that kind of truth.

 

I'd have a look at your self-esteem and where it's at in relationships. If you've been downtrodden and upset in a previous relationship, it can colour your view. If you're feeling insecure about yourself or your life, it will also tip the balance. In the end, you have to be confident in yourself that you will do what's best for you and trust your partner to make the same decisions you would make if you were in the same position.

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If you are single and go on vacation looking to meet someone, I think it's pretty likely. Both times I have been on a cruise I could have met someone. In one case I didn't pursue beyond the cruise, and in the other case I went and stayed at her house for 4 days. I'm far from a ladies man. When the group is single ready to mingle and you are in a stimulating environment it's really easy.

 

If he's not single and committed to you the chance he meets someone drops considerably. It depends on how much you trust him. His chance of a hookup should be somewhere around 0%.

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It'd be easy. Know what would be even easier? For him to not go on vacation and to just download Tinder and invite a woman over on one of the many nights you're not with him. It'd certainly be cheaper. There's a whole lot a partner could do at any given time. You'd never know. Part of trusting is that they just won't do it. And trusting they won't do it means you're not freaking out over what-ifs.

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How much longer is he away? Are you guys in touch? If so, do you think you can find closeness and comfort in sharing things that you're each experiencing as well as feelings of affection? In my experience that's always made for stronger connections than building vulnerability through sharing insecurities and asking someone to make them go away, you know?

 

It's pretty hard to do something that is genuinely "lighthearted" when it's pre-planned, orchestrated, ruminated on, and analyzed by a peanut gallery.

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Two more weeks till he's back. Although I tell myself every day that it's unlikely he meets the love of his life on a tour bus, I still feel stressed sometimes when im alone and hes partying.

we talk a bit every day, but we can't talk a lot due to time difference plus his busy schedules so I guess I can't count on that to make me feel close. And something tells me it's a bad idea to I tell him I worry he meets someone and grows attractions

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Worried about what? Tell him what? That you don't trust him? Yeah that will insure that he just cuts his losses, ends it and frees himself from the chains of your insecurities. He's not your therapist. Tell your therapist about any insecurities and jealousy you have. If someone whats to cheat they are not going to announce it nor will any "lighthearted" quips prevent it. Be nonchalant. Do not contact him while he's away, if he contacts you be friendly, not heavy.

So how should I behave when hes away? Should I tell him I'm worried?
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And something tells me it's a bad idea to I tell him I worry he meets someone and grows attractions

 

Listen to that.

 

I understand missing someone, but I can't quite understand the obsessive thoughts that they'll meet someone else. Is this line of thinking typical for you in relationships? If so, that's something to explore.

 

You are, right now, building the foundation of a relationship. Telling him, even in the most calculated of lighthearted of ways, that you don't trust him and that being with him does not make you self-confident, is not a great foundation. Think about it that way, maybe. Rather than worrying about him, ask yourself who you want to be—out in the world, in relationships, this one and ones in general—and then take steps to be that person. She's the one you can control.

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