Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 43

Thread: How easy is it to meet someone when travelling?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,018
    OK, let me take a different tack.

    Why should he trust you to not cheat just because you stayed home?

    I mean, surely there are loads of men where you are that could spark your fancy if he is gone.

    I think your anxiety is making you think your guy is at risk for cheating.

    I think it fair to say that if he were anxious about you, wouldn't you think it silly?

    Same answer for you regarding him.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,468
    Originally Posted by h0000
    my BF is now overseas travelling and my anxiety is coming up..He's going with friends, they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with.

    This is a new relationship, but we've met the parents,made future plans, the friends he's going with are decent guys too and I dont believe there is bad influence. But I know you meet lots of people on the road, from parties, from hostels, or wherever...I heard stories about how people meet romantic interests while travelling and I keep having thoughts that BF might meet someone else?
    But I know those worries serve me nothing good and I want to stop, but I kind of cant....so thought maybe I could get some insight/help from here?
    It's really really easy to meet people when traveling especially since at least I feel freer and less constrained by "shoulds" It's really easy to act inconsistently in a committed relationship -or cheat -you can make a split second choice and then -you're flirting with someone and not in a harmless way, you're kissing someone, you choose to get drunk because it's vacation and choose the consequences.

    So easy. And here's the thing. That's irrelevant. Also irrelevant who he is traveling with. All that is relevant is Do you trust him? If not, don't be with him. Do you believe he will make choices no matter where he is that are consistent with being in a committed relationship (which includes not playing with fire -meaning not choosing a situation where he is sharing a bed with a woman he doesn't know "because she had nowhere else to stay and we had a hotel room")? If you believe he wants to be with you and be in a committed relationship with you it does not matter if he is with you or not. Yes, it does matter if he chooses to play with fire. So if he is not with you because he's going to his ex girlfriend's house and she is drunk and wants to have sex with him, then his choice matters -he is then playing with fire and playing with fire is not consistent with being in a committed relationship just like buying your favorite chocolate cake when you've sworn off chocolate cake is not consistent with making changes in your eating.

    So yes it's so easy. And whether it's easy or not has nothing to do with your relationship.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,270
    Gender
    Female
    Personally, I would welcome the opportunity to challenge your 6 month relationship at this point.

    Think about it for a moment - if it were you going on a girls vacation, imagine you're crazy about your new guy. Are you going to want to hook up with someone else on vacation? Probably not. Probably not because this new relationship is important enough to you to not want to jeopardize it in any way.

    If it happens your new guy doesn't feel the same way and can be easily be influenced, then you don't want him anyway. Right?
    If he's `that guy' I'd rather know now then 2 years from now.

    You can't follow him and monitor his activity, so sitting home worrying about is pointless. It's not going to change anything and it will just make you miserable.

    Trust him, trust him to have a good time and use good judgement. Trust that if he were to meet someone, you'll find out anyway. Between now and then, stop worrying about it and plan something fun to do with your own friends while he's away.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,468
    Originally Posted by h0000
    Perhaps I should be more specific, hes going with guy friends only and travel through multiple cities. I have met all the friends, all good people.There will be parties, drinks, there will also be sightseeing activities. I actually don't think he will have casual sex, because I know he's smarter than that, also cuz his friends will not be ok with it.

    But I kind of worry he will meet someone and actually grow feelings for her...cuz then you cant really call that cheating?

    I'm just really paranoid...
    No it would not be cheating and I'm really confused at how you describe this - "grow feelings??" It's all a choice. People who are committed do not choose to interact with other people in a way that would encourage a physical attraction AND people who are committed and feel attracted to another person - cuz we're all human - CHOOSE not to react by behaving in a way that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's not about some passive "grow feelings". A person chooses how to react to feelings. And it doesn't matter in the least whether you call it cheating or nutella or sneezing. If someone acts inconsistently with being in a committed relationship you two then talk about why you found it inconsistent and decide how to proceed.

    Example. My future husband and I were dating about two months. Very seriously. Very exclusive. A platonic male friend wanted to hang out on a Friday night -a "date night". We'd never dated. Never kissed. Yes about two years earlier I'd been attracted to him and maybe him to me but because of certain dealbreakers we'd never dated, gone on to be friends, the attraction faded at least on my side.
    Seemingly on his too.
    So we made plans to meet with my future husband for dinner and maybe one other person. They'd never met before. Then the platonic friend asked me if he and I could meet an hour earlier just one on one as he had some personal stuff he wanted to talk about and had never met my future husband. My husband said he would not be comfortable with that arrangement. He said he hadn't seen me much that week, Friday is a date night, and he didn't like having to show up later in the evening in that situation. Guess what. My platonic friend not only understood but went out of his way when he met my boyfriend to be very attentive, friendly, and thoughtful to him. They never became independently good friends but they got along just fine. That's my point - as a couple you talk about what acceptable boundaries are. They differ per couple. Cheating is at an extreme. Many agree on what cheating is -having sex with another person.

    Also please stop the nonsense about what his friends would think if he had casual sex. That would not stop him at all if he wanted to have casual sex. And think about it -if he said "ok well I wanted to have sex with this really hot tourist but you know I didn't because my friends would not have been ok with it". Really? Then you're feeling good and warm and fuzzy?

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,875
    Gender
    Female
    Well....if you were in his shoes, traveling with your gal pals, would you "grow" feelings for some guy and cheat on your bf? Sometimes these kinds of fears originate within your own inner and lesser self and are more a reflection of what you would do, but don't want done to you, than anything else. Not saying you are that kind of a person, simply food for thought. Beware of what's driving your thinking/fear. People quite often tend to project their own behavior and thinking onto others. Sometimes in good ways, such as I'm a trustworthy person and assume others are too...or in bad ways, I wouldn't be trustworthy in this situation so I don't trust others either.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,392
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by h0000
    my BF is now overseas travelling and my anxiety is coming up..He's going with friends, they planned the trip before we got together. So Im not going with.

    This is a new relationship, but we've met the parents,made future plans, the friends he's going with are decent guys too and I dont believe there is bad influence. But I know you meet lots of people on the road, from parties, from hostels, or wherever...I heard stories about how people meet romantic interests while travelling and I keep having thoughts that BF might meet someone else?
    But I know those worries serve me nothing good and I want to stop, but I kind of cant....so thought maybe I could get some insight/help from here?
    If he's going to stray this early, count your blessings. In other words, good riddance. You do not need a man like this. I'd say the same thing if it were my husband. It's his choice whether he wants to stay or go. Each person should be awarded that amount of free will regardless of how new or old a relationship or what type of commitment is involved. In no way, shape or form do we own our partners or their ability to choose when to stay and when to go, or what type of decisions they should make of their own volition. Trust in that kind of truth.

    I'd have a look at your self-esteem and where it's at in relationships. If you've been downtrodden and upset in a previous relationship, it can colour your view. If you're feeling insecure about yourself or your life, it will also tip the balance. In the end, you have to be confident in yourself that you will do what's best for you and trust your partner to make the same decisions you would make if you were in the same position.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,128
    If you are single and go on vacation looking to meet someone, I think it's pretty likely. Both times I have been on a cruise I could have met someone. In one case I didn't pursue beyond the cruise, and in the other case I went and stayed at her house for 4 days. I'm far from a ladies man. When the group is single ready to mingle and you are in a stimulating environment it's really easy.

    If he's not single and committed to you the chance he meets someone drops considerably. It depends on how much you trust him. His chance of a hookup should be somewhere around 0%.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,433
    It'd be easy. Know what would be even easier? For him to not go on vacation and to just download Tinder and invite a woman over on one of the many nights you're not with him. It'd certainly be cheaper. There's a whole lot a partner could do at any given time. You'd never know. Part of trusting is that they just won't do it. And trusting they won't do it means you're not freaking out over what-ifs.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    207
    So how should I behave when hes away? Should I tell him I'm worried? In a light hearted way? Or should I just keep all the thoughts to myself?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,234
    Gender
    Male
    How much longer is he away? Are you guys in touch? If so, do you think you can find closeness and comfort in sharing things that you're each experiencing as well as feelings of affection? In my experience that's always made for stronger connections than building vulnerability through sharing insecurities and asking someone to make them go away, you know?

    It's pretty hard to do something that is genuinely "lighthearted" when it's pre-planned, orchestrated, ruminated on, and analyzed by a peanut gallery.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •