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Thread: Should I leave him before itís too late?

  1. #1

    Should I leave him before itís too late?

    I donít know what to do. I moved to this country 5+ years ago by myself and within a year had started seeing a guy who is 8 years younger than me. He was very persistent and knew my age. We moved in together pretty quickly and weíve had a good and strong relationship for the most part. Youíd never guess from the outside that we have such major issues going on underneath.

    But. In those 4 years we have achieved pretty much nothing other than drinking a lot, bouncing from job to job, arguing with his very stressful family and spending a lot of money. I am now 34 years old and time is running out. All of my peers are buying houses, getting married and having babies and I am still stuck in nasty rental accommodation and dealing with a boyfriend who works kitchen jobs, canít drive and has anger issues that make day to day life extremely stressful.

    For the majority of our time together I have had professional ďgrown upĒ jobs, paid the majority of the bills, rent and all those travel and emergency expenses that come up. I also do the majority of the housework, laundry and all the dog care duties.

    His anger issues mean that even walking down the street can be a nightmare. If a car stops on a pedestrian crossing he will go and shout at the driver. Heíll follow people down the street to tel them theyíve done something wrong. Heís been filmed abusing the construction workers next door for making too much noise. He is always on a knife edge and ready to snap. Although he has never ever ever been violent and his anger is always directed outwards, itís still like living with a volatile teenager. Iím constantly having to apologize for him. Itís exhausting.

    The problem is, I am alone in this country, my time for having a baby is rapidly running out, my dog is getting older and Iím worried wonít take the stress of a big move or disruption to routine, and I am absolutely terrified. If I break up with him I will have nothing to show for the past four years. He has been such a huge part of my life here. Everyone I know, knows us as a couple. Iíd have to delete all my social media accounts, Iíd lose friends, Iíd have no one and nothing and Iíd be starting from scratch all over again. And I am exhausted of starting from scratch.

    We have talked about children and he is keen and very serious about it, but he wants to wait until he has bought a house (an impossible dream in this city!) and saved up thousands and his start up catering business is a success and I give up sugar like he has and.... itís the same thing with marriage... he wants to but itís some weird fantasy future space in his brain. He knows I donít have forever but he just says I should look into freezing my eggs. Like itís as easy as that! Itís always my problem to solve and pay for!

    Heís been annoying me by talking about marriage and eloping but not actually proposing. One day I found an old family diamond ring in a drawer and proposed to him myself. And he said yes. And then told his step mom. But then that was it. It wasnít an actual engagement announcement or anything. He never asked me. It hasnít been mentioned since. (I put the ring back in the drawer)... he says he canít afford a ring or a marriage and thatís why but I canít help feeling he just doesnít really want to.

    I feel so much resentment towards him that it affects everything. Iíve started to hate sex with him and seeing him laze around on the sofa I bought and play video games using the wifi I pay for just winds me up.

    I was recently fired from a job and have had a summer being completely broke and finally having to rely on him. He has been working hard and trying to cover his share but even so, Iím not sure heíll ever earn enough to support a family.

    I feel like Iíve made so many stupid stupid mistakes in my life and that this one is one I will regret forever.

    I will never have children because of him and I am trapped as his weird girlfriend-mum-slave that has to look after him 24-7 because Iím too embarrassed to admit I messed up so spectacularly by committing to a man-child, and too scared to be on my own and have to start over again in a foreign country.

    I canít leave him but I canít stay either. I donít know what to do. If I leave him Iíll have to change my name and leave everything behind. If I stay then I give up my chance of ever having children of my own or any kind of normal life.

    Should I stick it out? Will he get better or should I make an ultimatum?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Yes you should leave. All the reasons you wrote about staying sound fear based rather than substantial obstacles. It also sounds like you are blaming him for your own life choices. That may feel comforting but it is not constructive. It takes two to tango. Enabling him and then blaming him about it is not constructive. His anger issues and lack of a compatible life plan are substantial reasons to leave. However, leaving is your responsibility. Blaming him for wasting your time while staying on is not constructive. You are making an informed choice based on fear. Break ups are disruptive no matter the circumstances. However, it's never too late to start over. It sounds like you feel stuck and it might help to consider seeking professional help if available.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop doing this. Move out and be on your own. Don't date immature toxic men when you're this old and you claim "time is running out". You're in your own dreamworld of happily ever after and he's acting like a 26 year old simple-minded kind of guy and you're acting like you read bride magazines all day but have no plan.

    You depict him as an abusive irresponsible jerk, then in the next breathe go on and on about getting married, diamond rings, buying a house, having kids? Stop acting like his mother. Consider moving back home and that this was just a big long drunken party and you had some fun.
    Originally Posted by Hopskipjump
    I moved to this country 5+ years ago by myself and within a year had started seeing a guy who is 8 years younger than me. In those 4 years we have achieved pretty much nothing other than drinking a lot, bouncing from job to job, arguing with his very stressful family and spending a lot of money. I am now 34 years old and my time for having a baby is rapidly running out

  4. #4
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    I only read the first half of your story. That is enough for me to simply state. Dump the loser, seriously. You are better off single forever than dealing with a toxic moron like that. And for the love of god, please do not bring any children into the world with that guy, it would be horribly unfair on the child to start life with a father like that, and a mother willing to tolerate such a man.

    Work on yourself, why were you willing to tolerate such a man, have some respect for yourself, seriously.

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  6. #5
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    Sorry but even if you don't end up having children (which maybe you will!), that is not because of him. We are largely the makers of our own life and especially in relationships because we actually choose them ourselves. You have chosen him and this relationship for four years knowing the big age difference and also knowing that he is not that mature or ambitious for his age either. You said he was like this the whole four years so it's not like you didn't know. You could have ended the relationship anytime.

    When you began dating, you were 30 and he was 22. In this life stage that is a very big age difference. In all fairness it's also reasonably acceptable for a 22-year-old to just work low pay jobs like hospitality, retail and so forth. Not that many people his age have their finances and career very well established (I didn't). He is probably being honest in saying he would like to get married and have kids, but maybe you're right that he doesn't want to RIGHT NOW. He's too young and he doesn't have his life set up yet to marry and have children.

    I understand you are upset the way things have turned out but it sounds like you're placing a lot of blame on him and playing the victim. You were a 30-year-old successful woman and you CHOSE to date a 22-year-old with low pay jobs who just plays video games. I understand you were in a new country and had nobody else. However he was a stranger to you at first, so just as well you could have done online dating and met other men your own age.

    I don't see what exactly your boyfriend has done wrong except just be a normal guy in his early to mid 20's. I'm sure he did like you and wanted to date you, he was probably sincere about that. But he's not as mature as you and can't be because he is and always will be eight years younger than you.

    I think your best course of action now would be to end the relationship and start looking for other men your age to date. Try to find out early on what they're looking for. If your values and goals don't match then don't continue with them. You need to stop playing the victim and take charge of your life.

  7. #6
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    He was very persistent and knew my age. We moved in together pretty quickly

    It went downhill from there. A guy insisted you live together even though he had nothing to bring to the table. He pegged you as his meal ticket. Yes, leave as soon as you can. He talks about marriage enough to keep you interested. But why would you ever want to marry him?

  8. #7
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    I will never have children because of him and I am trapped as his weird girlfriend-mum-slave that has to look after him 24-7 because Iím too embarrassed to admit I messed up so spectacularly by committing to a man-child, and too scared to be on my own and have to start over again in a foreign country.

    Plenty of women marry at 34-38 and have a child - if you leave, you could meet a more appropriate man, get married, have a baby. But choose a man who you can have a future with. Do you see yourself moving back to your original country? Maybe find a guy who wants what you want. And DO NOT move in with him!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If I break up with him I will have nothing to show for the past four years.
    You don't have anything now, anyway, so what's to lose by moving forward on your own?

    Don't resent this guy for not moving forward with marriage--that's the biggest favor he's done for you.

    Your choice to waste your time with this guy has been your own, so there's no need to villainize him. He is who he is, and you've been settling for that.

    Make a better choice, and you will thank yourself later.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're too consumed with negativity and aren't thinking clearly enough to create solutions for yourself, let alone a marriage. Be kind to yourself and to each other. You are not alone as long as you have your wits about you.

    Start creating viable options and improving your job outlook. If you've burned too many bridges in this location, reconsider applying for jobs elsewhere. Perhaps this is a wake up call for you: everything does cost money. Engagements cost money, babies cost money, even jobs cost money. Every move you make costs something. Start making the right moves so that you're not bleeding cash along the way. I think you ought to give back to you. The only way you can do that is to start looking out for yourself and limiting your costs (to your emotional and financial health). Life is meant to be enjoyed. This is no way to live.


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