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Thread: 20 and never had any relationship/experience

  1. #1
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    20 and never had any relationship/experience

    I know, I know, I'm very young still and I've got plenty of time, but the uncertainty of the future is making me feel anxious.
    I'm set to go off to college in Scotland very soon (I'm from Ireland), and I'm hoping that I'll be able to find someone soon.
    Problem is, I'm autistic and have social anxiety. I find it hard to make friends, never mind handle male attention/getting male attention.
    I just wanted to see if anyone had any advice for my situation. Should I be worried? Or will everything fall into place?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Just take your time. Be yourself. My son is Autistic too and he is almost 22 with no relationship experience to speak of. Just go at your own pace and things will come.

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    Thanks for that! Very reassuring to hear

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    It's easy to make friends in college due to the proximity alone. Everyone is kind of in the same boat being scared Get involved in groups & activities that interest you . The first few weeks go to the dorm based stuff too to help you make new friends.

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    You are young, focus on your own personal growth first, you are going to university to learn, gain life experience and earn qualifications, not to date around and land yourself a man. If it happens, great, if not, don't stress and do not lose sight of what is important and what is not. Bear in mind that most college/university relationships fail once people graduate and move onto different things, often in different locations, so do not get too invested in university relationships until you are 200% sure you have met the right guy.

    Aside from that, just take care of yourself (be hygienic, healthy, well dressed etc) and develop yourself into an interesting human being who is fun spend time with (I don't mean being a party girl) and the guys will come to you... probably more than you'd think. The tricky bit is figuring which of them are mature and decent human beings and which ones just want another notch on their belt.

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    I actually know autistic people who are in relationships or even married. So please don't think that things have to be different for you just because you have autism. Some people your age don't have experience in relationships either. Not everyone has the same experiences at the same time so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I think maybe the best thing to do would be to make friends at your new college and especially male friends. Romantic relationships often come from friendships so it's important to build that first. You can also meet guys from online dating and Meetup.com groups and things like that.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Enjoy all your campus and college life has to offer. Join groups, clubs, sports and social activities. Just be there, you don't need to be in the spotlight if you are part of a group. Don't worry about "mate selection", just start being friendly smile,etc. the rest will come. Take advantage of school counselling services, especially considering you can't confide in your parents.
    Originally Posted by Jacri
    Problem is, I'm autistic and have social anxiety. I find it hard to make friends, never mind handle male attention/getting male attention.

  9. #8
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    Such good advice, thanks a lot everyone 🙏

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    A lot of people your age will be thinking and wondering the same things. You aren't alone in your fears. Be open and friendly but stay on top of your commitments and your schedule. Keep a good eye on your finances as you'll be abroad and keep an ear out for ongoings on campus. You don't have to accept all the invitations you get and you might not get some invitations that you want (to go out to or with the people you'd rather be with). Not everyone will like you either and that is perfectly ok. Eventually you'll find your own crowd.

    There will be plenty to keep you occupied. Don't ever be afraid to say no if you don't feel good about something. Friends and relationships will come and go. Don't be frustrated if they take longer than anticipated. Not everything is worth experiencing.

    Enjoy your studies and ask for help if you need it. You're paying them for their help. Make sure you get everything you need and don't be shy. Pay attention to any deadlines and keep a schedule or become handy with your smartphone. Enjoy.

  11. #10
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    You're totally, 100% fine. Focus on your life, focus on hobbies, focus on trying to make social connections casually (I am not autistic and as such I cannot fully appreciate what it is like to be autistic, so I trust you'll understand that I at the least understand your struggles with social connections make the last part easier said than done in a way I have no true context of).

    You might 'know' you have a lot of life ahead of you, but you only know the present and the past - the future is just your imagination right now so it can be warped by fears or anxiety into an unpleasant vision and accepted as a false-reality. Instead, understand: There are literally millions of 20-somethings worried about not having had a relationship and they turned out fine.

    Only bit of advice, be careful. When you are wanting a relationship or just attention from the opposite sex badly, you can fall into a trap where the first person to provide it seems like "the person" even if they clearly are not to others. Make friends who you trust and bounce your feelings off of them to hear their advice. Good friends, made through being yourself and attempting to be outgoing, will help steer you towards the right people.


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