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Thread: I need to unload, and I need support and advice.

  1. #1
    Member Witch's Avatar
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    I need to unload, and I need support and advice.

    Alright, well thanks in advance for reading this, it's going to be a ride.

    Here is the story:
    My boyfriend and I started dating a year and 6 months ago. He was 20 and I was 25. We were friends. Hung out a few times. Then boom we were together, we went fast. Really fast, I never actually went home the first day I spent the night, the same night we started dating. We never set those boundaries because we were both just so happy together.

    I had fully moved in after two weeks of slowly bringing my crap to his apartment. And this was a mutual thing he fully encouraged, don't peg me for a crazy girl here, I pumped the brakes a lot of times but was won over by him every time. I liked it anyway.

    This is the first real relationship for both of us. First. For a lot of stuff.

    We will call my boyfriend Tim since I don't think I've ever known a Tim personally.

    Moving in with Tim was dreams coming true. I've been a loner my whole life, big girl, tall, not a lot of confidence, lots of childhood trauma with a lot of hurdles mental health wise I'm still trying to work with in my life. My whole life changed when we did this. I dressed better, I have a smidge more confidence which is leaps and bounds from where I was.

    I'm a big caretaker type personality. People pleaser. Whatever you want to call me.

    For the first year and 3 months of our relationship Tim was an unmedicated with both severe bipolar and VERY severe mania. My new life with this person was a lot crazier then what I has thought but being the person I am, I stood my ground with him. For him, and for us. Manic destructive freak outs filled with anger. Holes in all our walls, two doors destroyed, countless items broken. Lamps, ashtrays, knick knacks, vacuums, tables, t-shirts, pillows, TVs, chairs... Endless fist fights between us. And as much as I hate saying this the only way to describe him at this time was this psycho bomb ready to destroy everything.

    I was called names, told I wasn't loved. Or worth anything. Horrible terrible things and then he'd snap out of it. His eyes would visibly change and not be all black. And he would sit and shake and cry so effing hard. He hated himself. He'd tell me every day he wanted to die for how he treated me, how much he hated himself.

    And I'm not putting this lightly, Tim was crazy. I didn't fully grasp how severe mania works until I had to chase him, pick him up and carry him back home when he took off to chase our neighbor from our door with a machete down the road, over nothing. Broad day light.

    Aside from all that hes 20, now 21. This was Tim's first time living on his own and learning how to adult. I've been taking care of myself since I was younger. So we clash a lot in our relationship. I tend to have to mother him. He doesn't clean, he doesn't cook, he doesn't take care of things.

    Tim has trouble holding a job, getting a job, and even applying for jobs. Usually I do it for him, and I've consistently held a fulltime job our entirely relationship to keep us afloat. His parents cosigned for a vehicle for me, saying I more then deserve it and that I'm a responsible person they trust. I know they would not do this for Tim.

    About 4 months ago Tim had a mental break down. The worst he has ever had according to his family who wasn't there and the police had to be called. He was mandatory held in psych ward for 3 days. That's when we found out his problems weren't ADHD and it was mania and bipolar issues. I visited him every day. I was worried and I missed him. I cried. Despite everything.

    So now he's on medication, sleeps all day, won't get a job, but he's better. The manic crazy time bomb is gone. He's calmer but disassociated.

    Where I am at:
    I'm so effing unhappy guys. I love and I care for him because we have been through a lot. Mental health and financially struggling at rock bottom with someone gives you rare love and compassion with that person but he's not what I want and I see that now.

    I'm tired of feeling like I'm raising a kid. I'm tired if taking care of someone and not being taken care of in return. The sex isn't enjoyable. We have nothing to talk about because he has no hobbies, no job, no friends. I'm financially stressed. I'm constantly working and I don't have friends really either. I'm really struggling and I just feel like I'm drowning. I'm constantly fantasizing about living alone, being with other guys. I always poke my head around on different apps but I can't EVER bring myself to cheat. But I'm unhappy.

    For 3 weeks before Tim was sent to the ward I was getting very certain to the idea of breaking up with him. Then of course when I was with him through all that and taking care of him after I really really tried to fall in love with him again. But now I just, my patience wears thin.

    And all of this just kills me inside. He's a overly affectionate person when I get home. I feel like he would really be lost without me and I love him. How can I not after this whole time of looking out for him and taking care of him and holding him through all this ? I'm just.. I was in love but this whole ride made me, I guess fall out of love.

    I don't know what I'm going to do. I built this life with this person. He tells me every day how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how proud he is that I'm his girlfriend. I mean for everything he doesn't do he definitely speaks the kindest words to me. Always has, just not when he has having a melt down before he has medication.

    It's just maybe if he was 25 and knew how to be an adult, but as of now I have to remind him and make sure hes taking care of his basic hygiene, he eats, takes his pills, goes to his appointments, make his appointments, handle everything.

    I'm stuck. I can't hurt him. He did all of this for me it feels like. He told me every day when he got out he's taking these pills for us. For our future. How can I hurt someone who I see genuinely loves me but I know we just aren't meant to be you know?

    Maybe we are. Maybe my mental issues are ing this up. I have detachment issues too and it's hard for me to connect to people on a personal level but I am just so tired of being promised things from Tim, pinky promises, promises on our scars, and wanting him to be this responsible MAN and have him step up to the plat and be there for me as an adult.

    But I'm tired. I'm scared no one will love me. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared I'll go back to the person I was. I'm scared I'm ruining a good thing with someone. I'm scared of change. Yet I find myself browsing singles. Seeing who is available. And wondering if I really want Tim.

  2. #2
    Member Witch's Avatar
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    And I just wanted to add. I pay for everything. All our dates. Drinks. Food. Bills. His clothes. Everything. He's very high maintenance, really begs and asks and wants to go out to eat all the time. He doesnt know how to take care of himself or shop for himself or really do anything by himself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    My Son is bipolar, so I understand.

    The thing is you cant fix your bf. It isnt your job. Your job is to take care of yourself and live your life. You are far too young to be someone's full time carer. This isnt a relationship, its you being the parent to an adult child.

    I know its hard, but you really need to leave. He needs to go back to his family and get help. He needs to get better for himself, not for anyone else.

    Life will never get any better than it is right now with him. He is not working, you are taking care of him, so there is no incentive to do any better for himself.

    Please think long & hard about what you want from life. It sounds like you have your act together & are a hard working young lady. You really need to go & live alone & enjoy yourself.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hi Witch,

    I understand you identify as a 'caretaker' personality, but its a fine line between caretaking and enabling. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but sometimes we are not the ones to help the people we love. This relationship has never been healthy, you can see that.

    I would recommend engaging with his family, as you seem to have a good relationship with them and, if you have access, his mental health team (doctors/psychologists). Let them know that you can't help Tim and that your relationship is not good for either of you. Impress upon them that you care about his mental health and encourage them to support him after you break up to ensure his ongoing treatment and care.

    In terms of moving on, I would reflect a bit before entering a new relationship. There are a number of red flags in this relationship; the lightning speed you attached to each other, the year of physical violence and extreme confrontation, the codependent nature of this relationship. It would be too easy to pin this on Tim's mental illness, and I think it might be a good idea to spend some time unpacking why you were OK with all that and why it happened the way it did, simply so that your next go around can be better. You may even consider some counselling to that effect.

    Best of luck,

    T

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  6. #5
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    Get out of this situation! This is so unhealthy. Are you seeing anyone for your issues? Have you addressed your codependency?

    He is abusive and there is no future. Please leave!

    You should not be looking for another man, you should looking into getting your own sh*t together. It s time to be independent and stop looking to others for your self worth,

    Are you working? Have you looked into building a social network and making friends?

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    Donít stay because of the times shared, thatís a sunk cost fallacy. Only stay if your gut says stay (I bet itís saying run from what you e described)

    Before you make the more monumental decision to leave (which I personally think will see your life improve significantly. I think it is better to be alone than in a relationship that cannot nurture you ever because the other person canít meet you at your level of competence), I ask you this. What happens if you stop being mum? Stop doing all house work and buying him things, redraw the boundaries for where they would sit in a relationship that feels good to you. What happens. Does Tim support you? Does he get angry or sad? This is all valuable information for you (pro tip, supportive is the only acceptable reaction for a sustainable relationship)

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    Don't date a guy so much younger, it just doesn't work. 20 and 25 are miles apart in terms of maturity. He's also frighteningly unstable and abusive. Please get out.

    You shouldn't be paying for everything. This isn't a partnership. Stop mothering a kid.

  9. #8
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    It's already over, OP.

    You have emotionally checked out, and I think your boyfriend knows that. He says he's taking his medication for "us" - which strongly suggests he's insecure that you are going to go. There's a manipulative undertone to that.

    This has crossed the line from love to very unhealthy codependency. You can't provide him with the sort of help he truly needs, and nor should that be your role. You can see that only 1.5 years in, it's already not working. Imagine another 5 or 10 years of the same.

    Be kind when you end it. You might want to inform one of his family members, if you are worried he will try to hurt himself or otherwise react very badly to the news. But you must be firm. This is no way to live.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you're acting like his mother. That in itself will destroy things. Stop being a social worker/homeless shelter. That's not a relationship. Some therapy for yourself would help you with your fear of being alone.
    Originally Posted by Witch
    And I just wanted to add. I pay for everything. All our dates. Drinks. Food. Bills. His clothes. Everything. He's very high maintenance, really begs and asks and wants to go out to eat all the time. He doesnt know how to take care of himself or shop for himself or really do anything by himself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's really your choice how you move through this. All couples go through a period of growth or several periods. He's since been diagnosed, has been treated and is taking medication so hopefully those violent episodes or manic episodes have subsided. It's no one's call but yours. I think from your tone and from sensing how down you are and hopeless, it's really not fair to either of you if you are looking at other options on dating apps. It's a cruel thing to do leading someone on like that especially if you are in a relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you. If you don't love him or see yourself with this person, be kind to each other and let go. Pity shouldn't be a part of this equation.

    The irony is I think you need more help than he does. Take care of yourself and stop putting yourself second so voluntarily, learn to make difficult decisions. Life is full of them.


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