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Thread: How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

  1. #61
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Yes, that's why it's important to identify 'who' you are catering to. 'Who' is the mental voice running in your head that you are trying to please?

    Consider what people mean by the phrase 'higher Self'. Explore whether you believe that the highest intelligence that drives you is beneficent and forgiving and on your side, or whether it's a harsh, judgmental saboteur of your peace.

    A coach on my job wrote a book about taking 21 days to change a habit. He suggested that we write and keep a running list of any habits we want to change, and then to pick only one at a time to tackle so that we don't glom them together into a giant abstraction. Nobody can tackle abstractions.

    So I picked the habitual voice that I run in my own head as my first target for change, because it drives ALL of my perceptions and experiences. My default voice was harsh and critical. It positioned me to be uncomfortable with every decision and behavior, and I spent too much energy catering to the anxiety it caused me. So I opted to switch this voice into one of a positive, encouraging, and inspiring coach who was on my side. I adopted quick and simple mantras to inject into my resistance throughout my days, such as, "I've got this." or "I can do this." or "I'm not in charge of how he or she wants to view this." or "Unplug." or "I can deal with any outcome, so don't project."

    Not only did changing this one habit change my own perceptions about everything in my life, it also changed the very nature of 'who' I was dealing with on a daily basis. I stopped feeling like I was going it alone while carrying an enemy around. I stopped feeling so critical about myself any everyone else, and I started to view others through a kinder lens that reflected back to me a gentler experience of my world.

    Today, encountering a complaint is an anomaly rather than something I've pre-projected onto every situation. It's also something I can handle, calmly and without jumping into auto defense. This is helpful, because I can address the real feelings behind the complaint. I can ask questions rather than justify, and I can either apologize and make it right, or I can explain any misunderstandings as I see them.

    When you can credit yourself--and others--for an ability to handle any outcome, you won't waste energy and your stomach lining on trying to anticipate outcomes and control them.

    That's liberation. It's not about controlling others or their perceptions. Its about knowing your Self and making peace and friendship with your inner voice--your driver.



    So are you. : )
    This is amazing, Catfeeder, thank you!! I am in the process of really doing a lot of personal growth. Not being in a relationship has really helped with this but I have a lot of opportunities to practice this in the day to day in my personal relationships. I find that to be the perfect practice ground for me because itís the area of my life (the heart stuff) that can be the most challenging. I am a big fan of trying to make small changes at a time and be really consistent. Sometimes I am successful and other times not. For instance, I decided to do a daily meditation practice and made it to Day 1. Lol. I still endeavor to do that, but I have been successful with other things. I have enough desire to grow in this way that I can stick to changing one thing at a time and be really dedicated to it :-) Thank you again!!

  2. #62
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Try not to obsess about what other people think. Do your own thing, go with your personal preferences and respect your choices for your own reasons.

    With some people, if you try to be with people whom you're naturally uncomfortable with or have a dark, bad vibe about them, they'll distort everything you say anyway. It's best to only be with people who are uncomplicated and overall nice. Avoid being with unpredictable but predictable volatile personalities and characters. They're too unstable which will create unnecessary drama. You don't need it. Eliminate certain complex people from your life if you want peace of mind and unbridled joy.

    In this world, too many people fret over what the other person thinks which distorts your original reasons and choices that you've made.

    Some people whether it's friends, family (relatives / in-laws) or acquaintances are worth keeping in your life because they treat you as if you matter. If you're NOT treated right with utmost respect, kindness and as if you matter, it's time to release them from your life. You can still remain civil should your paths cross but you have every right to associate or not associate with certain people no matter who they are.

  3. #63
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    I decided to do a daily meditation practice and made it to Day 1. Lol. I still endeavor to do that,
    Start with one minute. One. If you find yourself relaxing into it, great, but don't stretch it beyond 2 minutes until it has become a daily habit for at least a week. Otherwise, you'll feel a day of pride in reaching 10 minutes, but then you'll skip it after that because you don't have the 10 minutes.

    One minute is the baby step of transition into carving a manageable space in your daily routines. If you use the minute for mind spins that aren't exactly relaxing, so be it. Just carve out the time and make relaxing into the single minute your goal.

    At first you'll be hyper for the full minute. So congratulate yourself for sitting hyper for a minute and maybe add another try in the afternoon or night time. Next day do it again at the same time in the morning, then pick random times throughout the day to try it a second time.

    This will teach you your best times for relaxation rather than trying to force a time that isn't good for you. Each day you can sit at least ONE minute, it's a win. The second minute is optional to learn your own best time(s) of day.

    Don't attempt complex mantras or rituals. Stick with a simple sound like, "Ohm." You don't need to say it outwardly. If your voice distracts you, just say it mentally. Place your focus on your heart--always. Any suggestions that you work on any other chakra are, IMO, misguided, because the heart is the primary chakra for safely activating all others. The heart will do that FOR you if you remain focused on it and nowhere else.

    Begin by following your breath and slow it down. One method is a popular exercise among therapists for treating anxiety; it's called square breathing. You can look it up. It slows your heart rate by slowing your breathing. Breathe in to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. Keep doing this until your breathing slows. Begin repeating your mantra to the slow flow of your breathing as you follow your breath.

    Thank your Self for the minute before going about your day or before going to sleep at night.

    One minute a day is plenty to anchor the habit. Don't plan on doing more for a week or two, but only if you've been consistent with the one minute.

  4. #64
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Start with one minute. One. If you find yourself relaxing into it, great, but don't stretch it beyond 2 minutes until it has become a daily habit for at least a week. Otherwise, you'll feel a day of pride in reaching 10 minutes, but then you'll skip it after that because you don't have the 10 minutes.

    One minute is the baby step of transition into carving a manageable space in your daily routines. If you use the minute for mind spins that aren't exactly relaxing, so be it. Just carve out the time and make relaxing into the single minute your goal.

    At first you'll be hyper for the full minute. So congratulate yourself for sitting hyper for a minute and maybe add another try in the afternoon or night time. Next day do it again at the same time in the morning, then pick random times throughout the day to try it a second time.

    This will teach you your best times for relaxation rather than trying to force a time that isn't good for you. Each day you can sit at least ONE minute, it's a win. The second minute is optional to learn your own best time(s) of day.

    Don't attempt complex mantras or rituals. Stick with a simple sound like, "Ohm." You don't need to say it outwardly. If your voice distracts you, just say it mentally. Place your focus on your heart--always. Any suggestions that you work on any other chakra are, IMO, misguided, because the heart is the primary chakra for safely activating all others. The heart will do that FOR you if you remain focused on it and nowhere else.

    Begin by following your breath and slow it down. One method is a popular exercise among therapists for treating anxiety; it's called square breathing. You can look it up. It slows your heart rate by slowing your breathing. Breathe in to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. Keep doing this until your breathing slows. Begin repeating your mantra to the slow flow of your breathing as you follow your breath.

    Thank your Self for the minute before going about your day or before going to sleep at night.

    One minute a day is plenty to anchor the habit. Don't plan on doing more for a week or two, but only if you've been consistent with the one minute.
    Catfeeder, do you have all of the answers to all things? Thank you!! I can actually meditate for like 30-40 minutes but I canít usually carve that time into my day consistently and so I love your idea, thank you! I will start small but every day. Thank you again!

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  6. #65
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Try not to obsess about what other people think. Do your own thing, go with your personal preferences and respect your choices for your own reasons.

    With some people, if you try to be with people whom you're naturally uncomfortable with or have a dark, bad vibe about them, they'll distort everything you say anyway. It's best to only be with people who are uncomplicated and overall nice. Avoid being with unpredictable but predictable volatile personalities and characters. They're too unstable which will create unnecessary drama. You don't need it. Eliminate certain complex people from your life if you want peace of mind and unbridled joy.

    In this world, too many people fret over what the other person thinks which distorts your original reasons and choices that you've made.

    Some people whether it's friends, family (relatives / in-laws) or acquaintances are worth keeping in your life because they treat you as if you matter. If you're NOT treated right with utmost respect, kindness and as if you matter, it's time to release them from your life. You can still remain civil should your paths cross but you have every right to associate or not associate with certain people no matter who they are.
    Thank you, Cherylyn :-)

  7. #66
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Okay, I had to update you all on this!! I saw this friend last night and she said, ďHey, remember we are going to that event next weekend.Ē And I said, ďUmmm, do you remember that that musical is in town at the end of the month?Ē And she said, no, and changed the subject Yeah, that went really well!!!

  8. #67
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Okay, I had to update you all on this!! I saw this friend last night and she said, ďHey, remember we are going to that event next weekend.Ē And I said, ďUmmm, do you remember that that musical is in town at the end of the month?Ē And she said, no, and changed the subject Yeah, that went really well!!!
    I don't understand the exchange. She raised the event, and was your response about something else? i don't get it.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I don't understand the exchange. She raised the event, and was your response about something else? i don't get it.
    I am lost myself

  10. #69
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Great. So she forgot about the whole thing already.

  11. #70
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I don't understand the exchange. She raised the event, and was your response about something else? i don't get it.
    There are two events. There was one that I am supposed to go to with her in the next week. Then there is the one she wanted me to take her to. When I saw her the other day, she reminded me that I told her I would go with her to this thing on the weekend. And I was going to bring up the other event to tell her that I wasnít going to take her to that because I knew I couldnít just let it go as she remembers everything and I anticipated that she would be contacting me and asking me about the details, etc. Only when I brought up the musical, anticipating that I was going to greatly upset her with my honesty, she had not only totally forgotten that we had discussed going together, but she had no interest in it any longer so it worked out perfectly!! As for the friendship, it remains tepid. I think we will always know each other in one way or another, but we donít spend much time together anymore. Anyway, it all worked out for the best. I didnít have to hurt her feelings and I am still going to the musical with the person I really want to go with and so itís a win-win.

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