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Thread: How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

  1. #51
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh ok - I just can't relate because I have always taken many people's feelings into consideration, not just an exclusive romantic partner and I make choices that reflect taking other people's feelings into consideration.
    Oh, so do I. Iím just talking about trying to please them all. Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I donít take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friendsí feelings.

  2. #52
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    This is enough of a reason to take someone else. In the past I have been straight up with friends like this by letting them know I want to take someone that I know isnít going to cancel on me at the last minute. Itís so inconvenient having to scramble around looking for someone else to go in those situations and the people flaking out give zero f$&@ as to how it makes us feel so.....

    I mean itís much different if there is a legitimate reason for canceling but in this case it doesnít seem like it.
    Thank you!! :-)

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Oh, so do I. Iím just talking about trying to please them all. Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I donít take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friendsí feelings.
    Oh good- I don't think it's being considerate to try to please everyone at the expense of you feeling ok with it and at the expense of your own values -that is not genuine, that just builds resentment, people can sense when someone is being more of a doormat/people pleaser and will either take advantage or feel turned off in my humble opinion. I don't think you need to offer her another musical in this particular situation. I'd feel differently if she'd already paid for the ticket and arranged transportation there, taken the day off, anything like that relying on you to come through. I understand she seems to have forgotten about it. I think you're fine.

  4. #54
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh good- I don't think it's being considerate to try to please everyone at the expense of you feeling ok with it and at the expense of your own values -that is not genuine, that just builds resentment, people can sense when someone is being more of a doormat/people pleaser and will either take advantage or feel turned off in my humble opinion. I don't think you need to offer her another musical in this particular situation. I'd feel differently if she'd already paid for the ticket and arranged transportation there, taken the day off, anything like that relying on you to come through. I understand she seems to have forgotten about it. I think you're fine.
    Thank you :-) Well, itís not until the end of the month and she is a very last minute type of person. She will invite me to something at the last minute usually and in this case, she might not text me until two days before and then ask what time weíre leaving for it. That is why if I wait to address it, it could all go up in smoke. Just because she doesnít text me for a month or two doesnít mean she wonít expect that we are going.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    I think you gain everything by that kind of liberation. I still move that you ought to be my therapist, Catfeeder. Do you have a card?
    Friendship is free.

    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Iím just talking about trying to please them all.
    Who are 'they all'? When you carry around a habitual peanut gallery as a judge and jury in your mind, the first step in changing that habit it is to identify the 'it'.

    So who, exactly, are you playing to, beyond the individual you cater to at any given time?

    Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I donít take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friendsí feelings.
    This is where you can develop better inner negotiation that addresses actual events rather than catering to your peanut gallery. Apparently, you can remember instances of this person slighting you, but you lack the clarity to weigh those in your choices going forward.

    Your default weight is always against yourself in favor of catering. You believe that this will make 'them' like you better. But just the opposite is true. When you overlook mistreatment rather than raising it as your valid reason for deciding NOT to cater, you teach people that they have zero to lose by mistreating you because you'll always cater no matter what. That just devalues you without really 'pleasing' anyone.

    People refer to 'keeping score' as though its a bad thing. Sure, it can be misused to justify deliberately mistreating someone in a vindictive way. However, when used to keep balance in a relationship, it's merely an equalizer.

    For instance, when someone keeps me waiting, that's not something I want to 'punish,' but rather it's a pressure releaser that I will recall should I ever run a few minutes late meeting that person in the future. If someone cancels on me last minute, I'll put that in my pocket in case there's ever a time that I may want to cancel on them someday.

    This kind of scorekeeping is benign at worst, but can be used properly to take the sting out of other people's faulty behavior. It buys you equality and the ability to let yourself off the hook should you ever fall short of your own bar of perfection in the treatment of this person.

    But you can't use this equalizer if you're too habitual about keeping a judge and jury in your head that berates you for your own imperfections. So address that, and you'll stress less about becoming an equal in your relationships. You'll gain more respect from those who would otherwise take you for granted, and you'll enjoy an absence of anxiety from second-guessing another's perceptions--because you'll have an inner 'score keeper' that, with practice, can become your pressure reliever rather than your pressure cooker.

  7. #56
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Friendship is free.



    Who are 'they all'? When you carry around a habitual peanut gallery as a judge and jury in your mind, the first step in changing that habit it is to identify the 'it'.

    So who, exactly, are you playing to, beyond the individual you cater to at any given time?



    This is where you can develop better inner negotiation that addresses actual events rather than catering to your peanut gallery. Apparently, you can remember instances of this person slighting you, but you lack the clarity to weigh those in your choices going forward.

    Your default weight is always against yourself in favor of catering. You believe that this will make 'them' like you better. But just the opposite is true. When you overlook mistreatment rather than raising it as your valid reason for deciding NOT to cater, you teach people that they have zero to lose by mistreating you because you'll always cater no matter what. That just devalues you without really 'pleasing' anyone.

    People refer to 'keeping score' as though its a bad thing. Sure, it can be misused to justify deliberately mistreating someone in a vindictive way. However, when used to keep balance in a relationship, it's merely an equalizer.

    For instance, when someone keeps me waiting, that's not something I want to 'punish,' but rather it's a pressure releaser that I will recall should I ever run a few minutes late meeting that person in the future. If someone cancels on me last minute, I'll put that in my pocket in case there's ever a time that I may want to cancel on them someday.

    This kind of scorekeeping is benign at worst, but can be used properly to take the sting out of other people's faulty behavior. It buys you equality and the ability to let yourself off the hook should you ever fall short of your own bar of perfection in the treatment of this person.

    But you can't use this equalizer if you're too habitual about keeping a judge and jury in your head that berates you for your own imperfections. So address that, and you'll stress less about becoming an equal in your relationships. You'll gain more respect from those who would otherwise take you for granted, and you'll enjoy an absence of anxiety from second-guessing another's perceptions--because you'll have an inner 'score keeper' that, with practice, can become your pressure reliever rather than your pressure cooker.
    Youíre right in that I am usually hard on myself. I donít typically run around trying to please people. In fact, if you asked my family, they would tell you that I do whatever I want to do when they think I ďshouldĒ be doing whatever else. I donít join because I ought to. I think when it comes to the people closest to me, aside from my family, I can definitely get hung up on trying to do the right thing. And yes, the equalizer piece should be firmly in place where I can use my free pass if I need to in certain situations, but I donít usually give myself that luxury. I hold myself to a higher standard with my friends which can often backfire. For example, with this particular friend, I should have several free passes, but even when I had to cancel on some not even firm plans recently due to a work obligation, I felt badly about that. She was fine with it. So, yes, Iím trying to strike that balance. Also, your ďfriendship is freeĒ statement was sweet :-)

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Youíre right in that I am usually hard on myself. I donít typically run around trying to please people. In fact, if you asked my family, they would tell you that I do whatever I want to do when they think I ďshouldĒ be doing whatever else. I donít join because I ought to. I think when it comes to the people closest to me, aside from my family, I can definitely get hung up on trying to do the right thing. And yes, the equalizer piece should be firmly in place where I can use my free pass if I need to in certain situations, but I donít usually give myself that luxury. I hold myself to a higher standard with my friends which can often backfire. For example, with this particular friend, I should have several free passes, but even when I had to cancel on some not even firm plans recently due to a work obligation, I felt badly about that. She was fine with it. So, yes, Iím trying to strike that balance. Also, your ďfriendship is freeĒ statement was sweet :-)
    Yes, I'm like you and don't use the free pass BUT I also don't invest extra time on unreliable/flaky people - which feels equalizing.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes, I'm like you and don't use the free pass BUT I also don't invest extra time on unreliable/flaky people - which feels equalizing.
    Yep, that's the right idea. You don't necessarily need to use the free pass--it's a mental safety net. So it's not, "She owes me one, so I'll be late next time..." or "Fine, she flaked, so I'll flake back..." It's more like having a stressor removed if you're ever caught in traffic or need to cancel something for good reasons of your own.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Yep, that's the right idea. You don't necessarily need to use the free pass--it's a mental safety net. So it's not, "She owes me one, so I'll be late next time..." or "Fine, she flaked, so I'll flake back..." It's more like having a stressor removed if you're ever caught in traffic or need to cancel something for good reasons of your own.
    Yes, kind of. It's just that I wouldn't do it carelessly/thoughtlessly just because someone else has. Yes I was stood up completely once by a new friend and you are right I didn't feel as badly when I had to cancel because the previous appointment ran late and traffic issues -totally out of my control. I get it!

  11. #60
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Youíre right in that I am usually hard on myself.
    Yes, that's why it's important to identify 'who' you are catering to. 'Who' is the mental voice running in your head that you are trying to please?

    Consider what people mean by the phrase 'higher Self'. Explore whether you believe that the highest intelligence that drives you is beneficent and forgiving and on your side, or whether it's a harsh, judgmental saboteur of your peace.

    A coach on my job wrote a book about taking 21 days to change a habit. He suggested that we write and keep a running list of any habits we want to change, and then to pick only one at a time to tackle so that we don't glom them together into a giant abstraction. Nobody can tackle abstractions.

    So I picked the habitual voice that I run in my own head as my first target for change, because it drives ALL of my perceptions and experiences. My default voice was harsh and critical. It positioned me to be uncomfortable with every decision and behavior, and I spent too much energy catering to the anxiety it caused me. So I opted to switch this voice into one of a positive, encouraging, and inspiring coach who was on my side. I adopted quick and simple mantras to inject into my resistance throughout my days, such as, "I've got this." or "I can do this." or "I'm not in charge of how he or she wants to view this." or "Unplug." or "I can deal with any outcome, so don't project."

    Not only did changing this one habit change my own perceptions about everything in my life, it also changed the very nature of 'who' I was dealing with on a daily basis. I stopped feeling like I was going it alone while carrying an enemy around. I stopped feeling so critical about myself any everyone else, and I started to view others through a kinder lens that reflected back to me a gentler experience of my world.

    Today, encountering a complaint is an anomaly rather than something I've pre-projected onto every situation. It's also something I can handle, calmly and without jumping into auto defense. This is helpful, because I can address the real feelings behind the complaint. I can ask questions rather than justify, and I can either apologize and make it right, or I can explain any misunderstandings as I see them.

    When you can credit yourself--and others--for an ability to handle any outcome, you won't waste energy and your stomach lining on trying to anticipate outcomes and control them.

    That's liberation. It's not about controlling others or their perceptions. Its about knowing your Self and making peace and friendship with your inner voice--your driver.

    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Also, your ďfriendship is freeĒ statement was sweet :-)
    So are you. : )

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