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Thread: How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Wow, thank you all!! I would love to reply to all of your amazing messages in the last few hours, but it would take hours! :-) I have read all of your replies and I totally agree with everything thatís been said. The reason I felt badly was that I know she put the date in her calendar and so I figure she will bring it up at some point and then I will have to address it; however, I have not initiated contact with her recently and she hasnít either. Itís hard to describe our friendship. We have been very close and also very estranged. Typically, I have to keep it going by making the efforts. Otherwise and especially if she is in a relationship, I donít really exist to her and I get that to a point, but I never cut people off when I am seeing someone. Never. Not unless they are detrimental and unhealthy for me to be friends with in the first place. Anyway, thank you all again! I will certainly update you when I know more!! But for now, Iím letting it go. Thank you all for taking the time to comment!! I totally heard your comments about me being afraid of people not liking me and that is totally fair!! I am working on that big time!! Being unapologetically authentic and not worrying if people think badly of me. Itís a process :-)
    Yes, it's definitely a process. You will learn over time that doing what you want, when you want is perfectly fine. You don't owe anyone anything. This is in regards to friendships that are fizzling and have no real meaning. You'll realize it's not the end of the world to say no and really mean it.

    I always say that if someone treats you as if you don't matter very much, return the favor and go your own way in life. Only be with those who share mutual respect, care, time, energy and effort. Everyone else should fall off a cliff in your mind.

  2. #42
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Yes, it's definitely a process. You will learn over time that doing what you want, when you want is perfectly fine. You don't owe anyone anything. This is in regards to friendships that are fizzling and have no real meaning. You'll realize it's not the end of the world to say no and really mean it.

    I always say that if someone treats you as if you don't matter very much, return the favor and go your own way in life. Only be with those who share mutual respect, care, time, energy and effort. Everyone else should fall off a cliff in your mind.
    Thank you, Cherylyn-

    That is great advice, actually. I really need to keep this in mind. Most of the time, I do do what I want and when I want. Especially when I am not in a relationship but even when I am. There are just certain decisions that I struggle with because I care about what they (the peanut gallery) think. Thank you again for all of your great advice!

  3. #43
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Thank you, Cherylyn-

    That is great advice, actually. I really need to keep this in mind. Most of the time, I do do what I want and when I want. Especially when I am not in a relationship but even when I am. There are just certain decisions that I struggle with because I care about what they (the peanut gallery) think. Thank you again for all of your great advice!
    Figure out who, exactly, that peanut gallery IS. Then consider what you have to lose or gain by liberating yourself from 'it'.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Thank you, Cherylyn-

    That is great advice, actually. I really need to keep this in mind. Most of the time, I do do what I want and when I want. Especially when I am not in a relationship but even when I am. There are just certain decisions that I struggle with because I care about what they (the peanut gallery) think. Thank you again for all of your great advice!
    Why does being in a relationship change doing what you want to do or when? (other than I guess not acting on an urge to date while committed to someone else). Of course you care about what your friends think -that's normal. You want to act like a kind, compassionate, reliable person, etc. So if you don't and as a result you hurt someone of course you're going to care what that person thinks. To me that is different from acting contrary to your values and sense of what is right simply based on what someone else thinks.

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  6. #45
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Why does being in a relationship change doing what you want to do or when? (other than I guess not acting on an urge to date while committed to someone else). Of course you care about what your friends think -that's normal. You want to act like a kind, compassionate, reliable person, etc. So if you don't and as a result you hurt someone of course you're going to care what that person thinks. To me that is different from acting contrary to your values and sense of what is right simply based on what someone else thinks.
    I agree, Batya. And I will never stop caring about peopleís feelings. What I meant by when Iím in a relationship is that you donít just act like you do when you are single. When Iím single, I literally do anything that I want for the most part. If Iím with someone, I take their feelings into consideration, too, is all I meant.

  7. #46
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Figure out who, exactly, that peanut gallery IS. Then consider what you have to lose or gain by liberating yourself from 'it'.
    I think you gain everything by that kind of liberation. I still move that you ought to be my therapist, Catfeeder. Do you have a card?

  8. #47
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Do you find that, when you're not in a relationship, you find yourself pouring your "relationship energy" into friends? For some reason that's the question that popped into my mind when you contextualized this stuff as being slightly different when you're romantically involved or not.

    Not sure it resonates, but I'll toss it out there to be contemplated, or not.

  9. #48
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Do you find that, when you're not in a relationship, you find yourself pouring your "relationship energy" into friends? For some reason that's the question that popped into my mind when you contextualized this stuff as being slightly different when you're romantically involved or not.

    Not sure it resonates, but I'll toss it out there to be contemplated, or not.
    I have, at times. But I do try to keep that in check. Also, when someone else is in a relationship, I would still hope to be a priority, but I understand if I am not going to be. But to answer your question, I definitely have done that but not usually unless itís reciprocal.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    I agree, Batya. And I will never stop caring about peopleís feelings. What I meant by when Iím in a relationship is that you donít just act like you do when you are single. When Iím single, I literally do anything that I want for the most part. If Iím with someone, I take their feelings into consideration, too, is all I meant.
    Oh ok - I just can't relate because I have always taken many people's feelings into consideration, not just an exclusive romantic partner and I make choices that reflect taking other people's feelings into consideration.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    All. She has made plans with me and then canceled at the last minute and when I text her about it, she wouldnít return my texts. Often she will return my texts. Iím not sure what that was about she said apologized and said she was busy. Fair enough.
    This is enough of a reason to take someone else. In the past I have been straight up with friends like this by letting them know I want to take someone that I know isnít going to cancel on me at the last minute. Itís so inconvenient having to scramble around looking for someone else to go in those situations and the people flaking out give zero f$&@ as to how it makes us feel so.....

    I mean itís much different if there is a legitimate reason for canceling but in this case it doesnít seem like it.

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