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Thread: How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

  1. #31
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Don't make excuses. Simply decline politely and respectfully.

    She has blown you off several times and doesn't make an effort in the friendship. That's the reason right there.

    This friend never broached the topic regarding this upcoming musical, therefore, don't broach the topic either. Remain silent.

    There is no word to go back on. There's no mention regarding this upcoming musical so be quiet about this. Don't say / write anything. Let sleeping dogs lie.

    I wouldn't lie to this friend nor broach this topic. If she broaches the musical topic first, simply decline politely and respectfully. You do not need to give her any reasons nor excuses. No means no and keep it brief. No explanation necessary.

    Since she's a tepid friend, it sounds as if you can afford estrangement since she's not really a friend. She's a mere acquaintance at best.

    Should your paths cross, just remain respectful, well-mannered and polite just as you would with a colleague or an acquaintance. Keep a polite yet safe distance.

    You need thicker skin. You're not a bad friend. Just decline politely and be done with it.

    Remember true friendship is a 2-way street with both parties putting forth the effort for the friendship to continue flourishing.

    Lazy friendships flounder and eventually dissolve.
    Thank you all for your advice!! Itís great advice!! I was feeling badly about my decision and I do feel badly if I hurt someone, but I do appreciate your all of your kind words about the friendship. Itís true that itís not reciprocal and that she hasnít mentioned the musical. Thank you again!

  2. #32
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    She has blown me off several times and just doesnít really make an effort in the friendship.
    What does blown off mean in this context--did she make plans with you then fail to show up, did she cancel last minute, or has she just failed to accept and return your contact?

  3. #33
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    What does blown off mean in this context--did she make plans with you then fail to show up, did she cancel last minute, or has she just failed to accept and return your contact?
    All. She has made plans with me and then canceled at the last minute and when I text her about it, she wouldnít return my texts. Often she will return my texts. Iím not sure what that was about she said apologized and said she was busy. Fair enough.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Coming in late to this, and agree with everything that's been said.

    My first thought, reading your initial post, was: Why do you even feel the need to tell her? Your friendship is in a tepid stage, the musical hasn't been discussed in months, so were you to bring it up it would risk being a bit drama-seeking, no? A bit like finding a way to make a little fire where there really isn't one? Could it be that part of you possibly misses the tense dynamic that you're also recognizing as unhealthy and looking for a way to instigate that tension while also not being the "bad guy"?

    I can't help but feel that, while your core intentions here are totally good, you're not being completely honest with what you really want, which is either to talk to her about your friendship; to fully accept that the friendship, at least for the time being, isn't much of, well, a friendship; or to use bringing it up as a way to deliver a little jolt of discomfort to her along the lines of the discomfort she's delivered to you.

    From this thread and others I kind of get the feeling that your aversion to "hurting" people, something you've emphasized in a lot of follow-up posts, may be a bit caught up in a need to be really, really liked by people and a hyper-sensitivity to how others view you. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Everyone likes being liked, myself included. But I find my energy is better spent engaging with the people I really like and respect the mostówhere the hurt, when it comes, generally comes from a good placeóand allowing for some distance with those where things have gotten tense, tepid, unrewarding, whatever. It's in those dynamics where the "hurt" is often just drama.

    Friendships come and go. They also fade in and out, with primary friends being relegated to a second or third tier, then becoming primary again, and so on. It's kind of what is beautiful about friendships: that wiggle room to evolve and devolve without every pivot needing to be a final verdict. The musical only becomes the hill you guys die on if either of you decide to make it that. Don't make it that and it can just be a musical you guys talked about going to but that you ended up going to with someone else because life is life. A fun night, end scene.

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  6. #35
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    Agree with everyone else but also to add that if she really wants to go then she can just buy her own ticket and go with someone else. Have you considered that maybe she doesn't even care that much anymore if she goes with you because she doesn't even really seem to care about your friendship?

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You sound like a really nice person and fear hurting other people's feelings and you're concerned about how they feel. I was once you.

    In the past, I would acquiesce all the time in order to appease and pacify everyone in my midst. Then after a while you'll realize that making others feel satisfied, always will come at your expense. This is the price you must pay and in time, you will determine whether it was worth it.

    The secret is to do what you want while exercising tact. You can still be fair minded and decline with politeness and good manners. Create smart boundaries for yourself.

    If you don't want to do something, go somewhere nor associate with certain people, there is a way to avoid them because you have a choice. You can control your life in an honest way for yourself. It's how you handle it which is key.

    Even though you are sensitive to others, you needn't explain your reasons either. Make a decision, stick with what you really want and proceed with grace.

    Btw, it's a good sign that you are concerned about other people's feelings because you possess empathy and a trait far too many people fall short.

    Just be careful though. When you're too considerate of others, you don't want to be easily taken advantage of, taken for granted nor have others perceive you as a doormat with all due respect. As mentioned previously, I was once you and over time, just like me, you'll develop street smarts.

  8. #37
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    Just something to keep in mind. There are all sorts of friends. There are situational friends and activity partners. There is a couple that we go out with and do a certain activity we enjoy together. They are not 'close friends" where we emotionally confide in them. We don't have some things in common - their idea of a get together is to get together and drink and that's not us - but we have a common love of another activity and so we will call them or they will call us to do it. We might do something every few months. Sometimes it ends up being more like once a year We have a pleasant enough time, but they are not my soul sister/brother if you get what I am saying. They were situational friends - they were neighbors at one time.

    There are also people i am "friends" with but we don't see eachother out of what we volunteer for.

    If you and this friend really love musicals and none of your other friends do, unless she did something completely awful to you - and being a periphery friend instead of the shoulder that you need at a given moment, is not awful.

    If you decide to go see musicals with this friend and that's what you like to do together, really, its up to you, but releasing friends that drift a little because they spend time more with their boyfriend or they are not emotionally "right there with us" for everything is okay sometimes. They don't have to repay an emotional debt to be someone that we just share an interest with from time to time.

    I agree - if you don't want to go - don't bring it up. THere is no harm in that, but sometimes, i think we are too hard on others in expecting that they owe us a quality of friendship to do an activity together. Obviously, i am not talking about 'lack of quality" if someone stabs you in the back, steals a love interest deliberately etc, but just generally not being emotionally close as one once was just through time passage/no marked falling out is okay.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Deleted (not relevant)
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-03-2019 at 11:10 PM.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    All. She has made plans with me and then canceled at the last minute and when I text her about it, she wouldnít return my texts. Often she will return my texts. Iím not sure what that was about she said apologized and said she was busy. Fair enough.
    Then there's your answer. Don't contact her until the fair is over. If she calls you, miss the call then respond to it by text. If she raises the fair, say that you've noticed how often she's canceled on you since your last discussion about that. While you can appreciate how busy she's been, you wanted to ensure some reliability for this event, so you've accepted another invitation. You hope that she'll enjoy the fair with someone else.

    Do not apologize.

    If she drops you, then she's done you a favor, because you've been as good as dropped by this one already.

    Head high, and keep small stuff small. Someone else's snit doesn't equal an emergency for you.
    Last edited by catfeeder; 09-04-2019 at 01:19 AM.

  11. #40
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    How to tell a friend that Iím not going to take her to the musical...

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Then there's your answer. Don't contact her until the fair is over. If she calls you, miss the call then respond to it by text. If she raises the fair, say that you've noticed how often she's canceled on you since your last discussion about that. While you can appreciate how busy she's been, you wanted to ensure some reliability for this event, so you've accepted another invitation. You hope that she'll enjoy the fair with someone else.

    Do not apologize.

    If she drops you, then she's done you a favor, because you've been as good as dropped by this one already.

    Head high, and keep small stuff small. Someone else's snit doesn't equal an emergency for you.
    Wow, thank you all!! I would love to reply to all of your amazing messages in the last few hours, but it would take hours! :-) I have read all of your replies and I totally agree with everything thatís been said. The reason I felt badly was that I know she put the date in her calendar and so I figure she will bring it up at some point and then I will have to address it; however, I have not initiated contact with her recently and she hasnít either. Itís hard to describe our friendship. We have been very close and also very estranged. Typically, I have to keep it going by making the efforts. Otherwise and especially if she is in a relationship, I donít really exist to her and I get that to a point, but I never cut people off when I am seeing someone. Never. Not unless they are detrimental and unhealthy for me to be friends with in the first place. Anyway, thank you all again! I will certainly update you when I know more!! But for now, Iím letting it go. Thank you all for taking the time to comment!! I totally heard your comments about me being afraid of people not liking me and that is totally fair!! I am working on that big time!! Being unapologetically authentic and not worrying if people think badly of me. Itís a process :-)

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