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Thread: Creating more boundaries and disentangling my life from hers

  1. #1
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Creating more boundaries and disentangling my life from hers

    As I have mentioned before my friend J works for me . In my latest thread I mentioned that she took another job which kind of leaves me hanging at the busiest times of the day .

    The past couple of years our lives have been quite intermingled. J and one of her daughters uses my NetfIix account with my permission. We were supposed to swap and they were supposed to let me use their Crave account. However ,when they got my Netflix they decided they didnít have enough money to pay for Crave. Then her grandson started using my Netflix and I would not be able to use my account because all 3 would be using it, sooooo I upgraded my account. They offered to pay half monthly this happened twice and was forgotten about. I realize my own culpability here.

    Her and her daughter are very low income which I understand and it makes her flinch a lot. One of her twin daughters is marrying in the Spring which made her seek this other job so she can pay $600 for a DJ. Then she invites me to the wedding after screwing me over. 🤷🏻♀️

    I pay her income tax on what she earns from me. I pay for the majority of their entertainment. When they want to see movies in the next town so her daughter gets in for free with her Access2 card I am her only friend who drives and wants to go.

    I want to disengage a bit and put more boundaries in place so I avoid being hurt. Would it be a douche move to change my Netflix password and gift her daughter a Netflix card for her birthday so they can get their own account? I feel I already paid for enough that I pay for Jís income tax on the money she makes for me and drive to places . It is not like I am independently wealthy either .

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just say you are sorry but you have to close down your Netflix account because things are kinda tight with money for you. Then say you feel so bad about it, here's a gift card. I think that will work. As for driving places, limit that too by saying "sorry I have other plans, or I don't feel like going out."

    There are people like myself and my husband that can't handle owing someone, and pay back generously. Your friend has taken you for granted so don't feel guilty for cutting her off. I think it's only fair to back out.

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    I like what Smackie suggested. Iím just chiming in for support as I canít imagine how difficult it must be with these various connections and her situation.

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    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hey Sera,

    I totally think Smackie has the right idea here.

    I am also starting to suspect that Netflix is actually a giant social experiment with the number of issues with account sharing. Along with my own issue with a friend using my account after I logged in one night at their place to watch movies with them, I have two other friends who have been through the 'ex-gf' netflix drama or some other fiasco...

    T

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Just say you are sorry but you have to close down your Netflix account because things are kinda tight with money for you. Then say you feel so bad about it, here's a gift card. I think that will work. As for driving places, limit that too by saying "sorry I have other plans, or I don't feel like going out."

    There are people like myself and my husband that can't handle owing someone, and pay back generously. Your friend has taken you for granted so don't feel guilty for cutting her off. I think it's only fair to back out.
    Granted I donít think they are doing it on purpose I think she has permanent view that sheís a single person and I am a married person therefore I have a husband to fall back on . The fact remains husband or not I still need to work . Having a husband doesnít relieve me of the fact that I need to work . I am a generous person by nature but I donít kick me in the face .

    But yeah , I think I need to dial back a bit.

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    Thanks. I want to remain friends with her but at the same time avoid getting used even if it is not on purpose.
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I like what Smackie suggested. Iím just chiming in for support as I canít imagine how difficult it must be with these various connections and her situation.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Sometimes friendships aren't worth maintaining when you keep getting the short end of the stick. I'd say something like, "I value our friendship but this is a business, and I need an employee who is here when I need them most, so this arrangement isn't working out for me." And, "I tried to make it work for all of us with the Netflix, but 4 times this month I tried to watch a show and couldn't because too many people were watching, so I'm going to go back to solo use."

    If she ends the friendship because of you being reasonable, it's no loss. I had a friend for a decade who I had a lot of good times with, but could see how she manipulates people, including me, for her own good. The only time she initiated contact with me in the last year and a half, was to do her favors, which I rejected, and she hasn't contacted me just to hang out, so that friendship has faded and it's made room for me to spend more time with another friend who doesn't want anything from me other than enjoying outings together.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hey Sera,

    I totally think Smackie has the right idea here.

    I am also starting to suspect that Netflix is actually a giant social experiment with the number of issues with account sharing. Along with my own issue with a friend using my account after I logged in one night at their place to watch movies with them, I have two other friends who have been through the 'ex-gf' netflix drama or some other fiasco...

    T
    Yeah, it becomes crazy when we donít erect proper boundaries which is an issue of mine my whole life .

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You are a very kind generous person......I totally get it, it's frustrating in these situation. You don't want to be the bad guy because that isn't you. I hope my suggestion is gentle enough to not ruffle any feathers.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Sometimes friendships aren't worth maintaining when you keep getting the short end of the stick. I'd say something like, "I value our friendship but this is a business, and I need an employee who is here when I need them most, so this arrangement isn't working out for me." And, "I tried to make it work for all of us with the Netflix, but 4 times this month I tried to watch a show and couldn't because too many people were watching, so I'm going to go back to solo use."

    If she ends the friendship because of you being reasonable, it's no loss. I had a friend for a decade who I had a lot of good times with, but could see how she manipulates people, including me, for her own good. The only time she initiated contact with me in the last year and a half, was to do her favors, which I rejected, and she hasn't contacted me just to hang out, so that friendship has faded and it's made room for me to spend more time with another friend who doesn't want anything from me other than enjoying outings together.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.
    And see thatís what Iím wondering if Iím just here because I can do a lot for her . We planned trips for this fall but then she just up and announced well her oldest daughter is taking her because this is when her oldest daughter can go and she wanted to join us on the trip to so like now we canít go because we had something else planned. It doesnít matter if she has plans with me if one of kids wants to do something she drops me like a hot potato. Or if we are doing something she will ask if another daughter can tag along and if I could drive because that daughter doesnít want to and hates it .

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