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Thread: Creating more boundaries and disentangling my life from hers

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Nope. Creeps me out.
    OK -your choice of course! How far is the next town or place where it's not all military as you described?

  2. #42
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Once I went alone as a teen and went to walk home and 3 men chased me down street I had to jump in front of a cab and get in.

    The town where we seen movies is about 20 minutes from here. Or I could go to Toronto which is about two hours or I could go to another city an hour away . But that would be silly just to go to a movie .
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    OK -your choice of course! How far is the next town or place where it's not all military as you described?

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Once I went alone as a teen and went to walk home and 3 men chased me down street I had to jump in front of a cab and get in.

    The town where we seen movies is about 20 minutes from here. Or I could go to Toronto which is about two hours or I could go to another city an hour away . But that would be silly just to go to a movie .
    Yes-I'm sorry you had a bad experience when you were a teenager. I've also been assaulted - on public transportation for example including when I was a teenager. One example. So for me I just assess whether the bad thing that happened will affect whether I do the activity again. You've decided that what happened to you as a teenager solidified your decision not to go to any movie again alone - totally your choice! I've traveled far for experiences I really wanted. Again it's up to you. I'd just try to differentiate between needs and wants, and whether it's possible you're getting in your own way of ending this friendship or at least distancing yourself.

  4. #44
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Probably , like I said friends are hard to make in this town. At least ones that can do anything with you . But Iím also not gonna pay $60 in gas and 4 hours travel to go to the movie elsewhere I can buy the same movie for $22 in six months .
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes-I'm sorry you had a bad experience when you were a teenager. I've also been assaulted - on public transportation for example including when I was a teenager. One example. So for me I just assess whether the bad thing that happened will affect whether I do the activity again. You've decided that what happened to you as a teenager solidified your decision not to go to any movie again alone - totally your choice! I've traveled far for experiences I really wanted. Again it's up to you. I'd just try to differentiate between needs and wants, and whether it's possible you're getting in your own way of ending this friendship or at least distancing yourself.

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  6. #45
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    This isn't about horror movies or the fact that you both have autistic children.

    I feel we're getting lost in the details here.

    This is about the fact that you give 90%, she gives nothing. So, you really end up giving 100%.

    This is about fear. Fear that if you remove her from your life, your social circle will shrink to almost nothing. Know what? It just might.

    You have to decide which is worse: a friend who constantly uses you, or no friend at all.

    We advise this to people who come here in unbalanced relationships all the time, when they have a fear of being single: Leave him/her, and be alone, or stay, and be used.

  7. #46
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    This isn't about horror movies or the fact that you both have autistic children.

    I feel we're getting lost in the details here.

    This is about the fact that you give 90%, she gives nothing. So, you really end up giving 100%.

    This is about fear. Fear that if you remove her from your life, your social circle will shrink to almost nothing. Know what? It just might.

    You have to decide which is worse: a friend who constantly uses you, or no friend at all.

    We advise this to people who come here in unbalanced relationships all the time, when they have a fear of being single: Leave him/her, and be alone, or stay, and be used.
    This is true. And maybe a need to be needed? But not to the point where I give everything. Moving here nine years ago and having not one friend in the world for three years greatly contributed to my nervous breakdown 7 years ago. I never want to go back there .

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    This is true. And maybe a need to be needed? But not to the point where I give everything. Moving here nine years ago and having not one friend in the world for three years greatly contributed to my nervous breakdown 7 years ago. I never want to go back there .
    Bingo.

    A need to be needed + loneliness = hanging onto one of the only people who feels comfortable.

    So, you give her your Netflix password and pay her taxes, because those are needs that she has, so it fulfills your need to be needed. She needs you to keep doing all these things for you. And you have such an intense fear of loneliness (I get it, it's a human fear) that you allow it.

    I'm so sorry, but I do think it's time to change your password and keep your own money.

    Tell you what.....it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ask her to see a horror movie playing nearby, and see what she says. Tell her what the ticket price is, and see if she hems and haws about not having enough money to buy a ticket. If she does, say nothing. Do not buy her a ticket. If you go, and she "suddenly" has left her wallet at home, say that it's been a really nice time, but that you'll both have to skip the movie as you only brought enough money for your own ticket. And then......you'll know.

  9. #48
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    LHgirl I don't want to gush too much but I don't know how you get it so well and express it so simply and genuinely.

    I agree, totally, Nothing to add.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Bingo.

    A need to be needed + loneliness = hanging onto one of the only people who feels comfortable.

    So, you give her your Netflix password and pay her taxes, because those are needs that she has, so it fulfills your need to be needed. She needs you to keep doing all these things for you. And you have such an intense fear of loneliness (I get it, it's a human fear) that you allow it.

    I'm so sorry, but I do think it's time to change your password and keep your own money.

    Tell you what.....it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ask her to see a horror movie playing nearby, and see what she says. Tell her what the ticket price is, and see if she hems and haws about not having enough money to buy a ticket. If she does, say nothing. Do not buy her a ticket. If you go, and she "suddenly" has left her wallet at home, say that it's been a really nice time, but that you'll both have to skip the movie as you only brought enough money for your own ticket. And then......you'll know.
    I have a big issue with being all or nothing. It is a negative part of personality. I never pay her movie, they always pay their own but I have to drive because they canít drive and donít own a car. But they piggy back off my Netflix because her eldest daughter wonít share hers. Her eldest daughter is very selfish and spoiled. Her younger daughters,no. She left her abusive husband with her twins when they were 4 with just a garbage bag of their clothes. So she is terrified to not have enough. Now her kids are 44 and the twins are 27.

    Lately here too rents have EXPLODED upwards. They have gone from $700 for an apartment to $1600. People from Toronto have noticed our quiet sleepy area and bought up all available housing and are charging exorbitant Toronto rates. It is basically forcing the poor out. No matter how much I tell her they canít change what she pays a month at her current apartment sheís so fear stricken that sheís going to end up out on the street nothing makes sense to her. Recently the owner of her building recently sold 10 houses they own and her daughter( 44) had to leave the house she lived in and moved into another place which was three times the rent she paid before.

  11. #50
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    It's already happening here in Vancouver...people living in the streets, old RVs parked everywhere. We pay the most for gas in the world...we are so taxed to death. a small 2 bedroom basement suite is 2000+ a month.....but that is if you can find one. There are almost no rentals. My dilapidated 55 year old house in worth over 800K and that's lower from the almost 1 mil 2 years ago.

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