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Thread: Ex Girlfriend is still really hurt and I'm not sure what to think anymore

  1. #1
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    Ex Girlfriend is still really hurt and I'm not sure what to think anymore

    Hello everyone. I want to give as many details as I can so strap in.

    We met in our first year of medical school. We initially were just cordial friends who would see each other from time to time, we eventually started to hang out more. She really liked me and I really liked her back. However, when we first started talking I told her that I wasn't sure if I was in the right place to be dating. During that period, my dad had recently been diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer. So my goal was to focus on doing well in school, take care of him when I could, and try to find time to do anything else. Over time, she and I hung out more and more and I fell really hard for her to where I couldn't resist being with her. She quickly became one of the most important people in my life and I loved her through and through. She definitely felt hurt for having to work to date me... But I didn't want her to think it was personal or anything against her. So I did what I could to love her.

    She and I had been dating for some time and we ended up having fights here and there. Most of them came because I was so neurotic about school especially since I would convince myself that it was the most constructive avenue through which I can put my efforts and not think about my dad. I still made sure to always try and do something with her when I could and I spent all of my free time with her.

    Fast forward to last summer, and my dad passes away. I was so lost. She was there for me emotionally, but had a hard time realizing that a big portion of my time would be spent trying to mend things at home with my mom and the post-mortem grief. A few days after his death, she came up from her home state to stay in our college town and see me. I drove back and spent a day with her, but I couldn't stay long because I had family who decided to come visit from the Philippines and be there for my mother and me. My ex did not like that she drove up from her state to stay with me and me ending up having to leave early to go back to my mom's house. She held that over me, saying she's feeling neglected.

    As time progressed, we had our fights, but we were great otherwise. I truly did love her and I tried to show it in different ways even getting her a really nice Valentine's present despite being bed-ridden with the flu. Things seemed fine until my mom started going through some serious mental health problems. I found myself having to push back exams and cancel plans to be there for my mom when she would be on the brink of suicide. I could tell that my ex was getting hurt by the fact that I started to put my mom's needs above my own and hers. We even started to slowly stop having sex as much, and I chalk that up to my decreased libido from depression.

    It became abundantly evident when my ex won Student Doctor of the Year for our state. I was so proud of her. I threw her a surprise party and invited all of our closest friends, but I ended up not being able to go because my mom was going through one of her "I'm going to kill myself" spells. I was devastated to say the least, but I drove home to be there for her.

    I ended up having to spend a month at home because it was time to put all of these issues to rest with my mom. So I helped her through the hardship she was feeling and tried to still study for my medical licensing exam and still talk to my ex when I could. It was extremely difficult on me and the things my mom told me really ed with me... hard. When I returned back to our college town, my ex told me she didn't think we should keep dating. She kept telling me how much she loved me and how I was "her person" even going back and saying "why don't we just date for the rest of this month and then break up at the end?" I told her I couldn't be in a relationship with an expiration date on it cause that hurt way too much, but she somehow found a way to get me to hang out with her, kiss her, and do many boyfriend-girlfriend things together. The day of my medical licensing exam, I put my phone on "Do Not Disturb." My mom was nice enough to pick me up and drive me to my hotel so she could explore the town and be there with me while going through the pretest anxiety. Leaving my car at my apartment, my ex saw it and panicked thinking that I had overslept my exam. She called me, texted me, knocked on my door, and asked around about me all day apparently. When I got to my phone, she texted me " you, you're so selfish. You broke me and IDK how I'll ever be the same again. We won't be friends and I can't believe I dated you." I tried to apologize and explain, but the damage was done. I decided to write her a letter telling her everything that had happened over the 2 years we were together and even told her that she has every right to be upset/ resentful with me. She texted me saying "I'm really sorry, but it just isn't our time. So much has happened and Idk if I have the energy to go back and fix them and I have damage myself that needs work. I just realize that it wasn't our time." The next day, we met to exchange stuff before leaving for rotations. We talked for a few hours about random stuff before saying bye. She hugged me, cried, and told me she loved me. She even went so far as to kiss me multiple times and tell me that she wants to text me and talk on the phone during our rotations.

    I later told her that I needed space and went no contact for a month. I didn't talk to her at all. As time progressed, I missed her more and more despite doing everything in my power to try and forget about it. I just couldn't shake the feeling that she didn't get to be with the real me. She only got a snapshot of who I was because of the cornucopia of that was happening in the background of my life that trapped me in a mental prison. I sought therapy and Have been doing online therapy to try and regain my life, which for the most part has been good... except that I no longer have this girl who loved me so much and to whom I returned the love.

    In a moment of weakness, I texted her about a song that was playing in the doctor's office I was rounding in. She replied back "lol aw, i hope all is well with you." I didn't know what to say so I backed off and just texted her a few days later saying "how's surgery going so far"? She waited a full day to respond and said "I thought you didn't want to talk." Here is the conversation that ensued (keep in mind that I was not prepared to have her drop emotional bombs on me):

    Me: "I just missed talking to you. But if talking isn't in the cards then that's fine."

    Her: "I don't know *insert my name here*, I don't think I can be friends with someone who took advantage of my friendship and companionship. I'm still really hurt and angry for letting myself get into this situation. You may just think I'm taking things too personally, but it is personal. If you go to the weddings in October we will act normal, but for the first time in my life, I don't think I can be friends with someone I dated just yet."

    Me: "I understand. I hope you know that I truly did cherish our time together and that it had nothing to do with taking you for granted. So much had happened and I couldn't figure out if I was going to sink or swim. I wholeheartedly apologize for selfishly pushing my problems onto you. I won't reach out again."

    Her: "Maybe in time things will be different, but I'm just still so hurt."

    Me: "I know. And nothing I say or do will change that. It took me a while to find clarity for myself in terms of what I should've done differently. But there's always growing to do."

    Her: "Are you going to those weddings in October (side note: we're both going to be at these 2 weddings this October for our friends)"

    Me: "Yeah, if you prefer I don't talk to you, I get it"

    Her: "No it's not like that"

    Me: "Okay, I just wanted to do what would be best or easiest for you."

    Her: "I'll be fine don't worry about me... Did you do anything for Labor Day weekend?"

    Me: "I know you'll be fine, but I still care about how you feel and want things to be easier for you at least... and yeah, I'm grilling out with some folks later. How about you?"

    Her: "My friend Sarah is coming over, but then I'm gonna study the rest of the time."

    Me: "Oh, cool."

    That's it...

    So I know things aren't looking great. I still love her and the fact that she still feels some kind of way about the breakup implies that she maybe still loves me too, but doesn't want to be together (i know there's a difference between the two things).

    What should I do? I want her to see the changes I've made in life to control the external forces of my mom and my dad's death. I convinced my mom to move closer to friends and to have therapy every week. She even said that "your mom is 70% of the reason why we broke up". I know I have personal problems that I had to work on as well. I've tried to take more time to enjoy life outside of school and I've made the most of what I can with a new roommate and everything. I know that I can't force these changes onto her, but a part of me wants her to see. I know that she felt neglected and used, but that wasn't what I was doing AT ALL. I think both of us were heavily misunderstood in our relationship together and we both lacked proper communication of that. She always resorted to getting really angry and pushy while I resorted to retreating into a quiet ball unless she really pissed me off about something.

    Why did she ask me what I'm doing for Labor Day if she doesn't even want to talk as friends? My roommate thinks she was fishing to see if I would say "my mom wanted me to come home to hang out" or "I'm going home to see my mom" or "I'm just studying." Cause those are obviously things that caused tremendous tension between us.

    Also, I realize that at this point, it is best not to contact her anymore. I've left the ball in her court and I understand that it's not my place to encroach upon her healing. So as much as it pains me, I won't text her anymore. We will see what happens at these weddings... I'm curious to see your points of view about what to do at the weddings and how these weddings may be a good chance for her to see that I'm different now. Who knows. I'm just lost and could really use some opinions, advice, and thoughts on what I can do to maybe get her back in time. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There is only so much one can take. It killed the relationship. She's done. You definitely need to work on yourself and this is going to take way more time, than she is willing to wait for...and she knows this.

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    I can't get past the fact that you lost your father, your mother lost her husband and went into a completely understandable tailspin...and this girlfriend of yours made it all about HER?? And actually blames you for not putting her before your family that was facing tragedy, grief and emotional health issues?

    Shouldn't being a doctor mean you should have at least a little bit of compassion?

    Bullet dodged IMO.

  4. #4
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    I see. It's just hard knowing that she still has feelings for me like I do for her. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that except give her what she asked for... It's so hard. Thank you.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I can't get past the fact that you lost your father, your mother lost her husband and went into a completely understandable tailspin...and this girlfriend of yours made it all about HER?? And actually blames you for not putting her before your family that was facing tragedy, grief and emotional health issues?

    Shouldn't being a doctor mean you should have at least a little bit of compassion?

    Bullet dodged IMO.
    I see where you're coming from. I guess she expected to be with someone who made her their whole world. I couldn't give her that given the fact that my world was rapidly crashing down on me all at once. All the while trying to maintain sanity through the gauntlet of med school. Thanks for your input.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    look you just never know what is going to happen in the future. Sometimes people just need time to assess and reassess, to let thoughts and feelings settle down. Hope you are doing better.

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    Personally I don't think she sounds like a catch at all and you are better off without someone like this in your life.

    Your dad dies and this tragic event sends your mother, understandably, over the edge into suicidal thoughts and a breakdown and all she can think about is herself!?!?!

    If you look at things black and white then sure you were not the 100% best bf you could be but if you look at your situation with any kind of heart or empathy at all how could you have been?

    She's shown you that she comes first in her world no matter what happens in anyone else's. Block and move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. You shouldn't feel you have to prove anything or even attend those weddings if you are not up for it. Be there for your mum and your family. You have different priorities but are still trying to be someone you're not. I don't feel you've processed the loss of your dad completely because you've cared for your mum's health.

    Do not try to go back and be the person you used to be before the grief or that loss in the family. You cannot go back. Your experiences are unique to you and part of your journey. If someone expects you to go back to your old self or un-live those experiences, it's unhealthy and not in your best interests. Remember that you are on your own path (as we all are). You cannot undo death or its affect on each of us. Celebrate your dad's life and the legacy he's left for you and your mum, enjoy the company with your mum and celebrate her milestones also. Associate with like-minded individuals or others who understand your journey and your loss, and your new discoveries and life.

    This is all about processing and not being afraid to live fully in the face of grief and loss. Don't try to compare yourself to others or compete with others, especially those who don't have similar experiences. You can acknowledge her and be compassionate towards her but don't fall into the trap of trying to be someone you no longer are.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    When I was reading this, my heart really broke for you. You've been so busy trying to keep everyone else together, who has been there for you? When have you had any chance at all to breathe, begin grieving for your dad, and start the process of coming to terms with your life after such a massive loss?
    It's been one thing after another, and you've tried to be the rock for those you love. This is a fine quality, this strength and steady love. And yet, if we are forced to pause our grief for other things, it can compound and hit us very hard when we least expect it. You should be so proud of the steps you are taking to take care of you now.
    I know it's hard to lose your girlfriend, and all the moreso now. It's loss on top of loss, and anyone would struggle.

    To be real, I think both your mom and your girlfriend have put way more on your shoulders than is fair for a man to bear. There hasn't been a lot of your needs being acknowledged here, and they deserve to be. I just want you to know ..it's ok to not be able to be everything for everyone all the time. You didn't mess anything up, you did beyond what many could with all those pressures coming down on you. Sometimes other people's needs are just too great for the energy we have and that's no failing at all.

    I'm wishing you all the best.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. You shouldn't feel you have to prove anything or even attend those weddings if you are not up for it. Be there for your mum and your family. You have different priorities but are still trying to be someone you're not. I don't feel you've processed the loss of your dad completely because you've cared for your mum's health.

    Do not try to go back and be the person you used to be before the grief or that loss in the family. You cannot go back. Your experiences are unique to you and part of your journey. If someone expects you to go back to your old self or un-live those experiences, it's unhealthy and not in your best interests. Remember that you are on your own path (as we all are). You cannot undo death or its affect on each of us. Celebrate your dad's life and the legacy he's left for you and your mum, enjoy the company with your mum and celebrate her milestones also. Associate with like-minded individuals or others who understand your journey and your loss, and your new discoveries and life.

    This is all about processing and not being afraid to live fully in the face of grief and loss. Don't try to compare yourself to others or compete with others, especially those who don't have similar experiences. You can acknowledge her and be compassionate towards her but don't fall into the trap of trying to be someone you no longer are.
    You're right. This is where life has taken me and I gotta keep moving forward from it. It's just difficult I suppose. It's easy to hold onto the past and get caught up in the forces outside of my control. I recognize that I'll still miss my ex girlfriend for a while, but there's nothing I can do right now. Maybe it's wishful thinking to think that she may see that there was no malicious intent in any of this and will reach out to me, but I can't wait around for that I guess. Thank you for the insight and condolences, I'll surely hold onto it.

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