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Thread: Ex Girlfriend is still really hurt and I'm not sure what to think anymore

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    When I was reading this, my heart really broke for you. You've been so busy trying to keep everyone else together, who has been there for you? When have you had any chance at all to breathe, begin grieving for your dad, and start the process of coming to terms with your life after such a massive loss?
    It's been one thing after another, and you've tried to be the rock for those you love. This is a fine quality, this strength and steady love. And yet, if we are forced to pause our grief for other things, it can compound and hit us very hard when we least expect it. You should be so proud of the steps you are taking to take care of you now.
    I know it's hard to lose your girlfriend, and all the moreso now. It's loss on top of loss, and anyone would struggle.

    To be real, I think both your mom and your girlfriend have put way more on your shoulders than is fair for a man to bear. There hasn't been a lot of your needs being acknowledged here, and they deserve to be. I just want you to know ..it's ok to not be able to be everything for everyone all the time. You didn't mess anything up, you did beyond what many could with all those pressures coming down on you. Sometimes other people's needs are just too great for the energy we have and that's no failing at all.

    I'm wishing you all the best.
    I'm glad you can see why this has compounded to become so much more difficult. Having lost my dad, almost losing my mom, and losing my gf, it all seems like "loss" is the norm for what i've experienced over the course of this time. I know that in time I will get better from all of it with healed scars from every battle wound. I just still feel lost.

  2. #12
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    I understand you are hurting right now but i'm worried that you are hoping she will reach out to you. She has shown you that, god forbid, anything more bad happens to you or your family she will dump you. If she's done it once, she will find it much easier the 2nd time.

    A relationship where there is no room for you to be ill or unfortunate is not a healthy relationship. Anyway, it is your decision of course and i wish you well.

  3. #13
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    Why do you want her back in your life?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why do you want her back in your life?
    Well, she was great otherwise. She would do fantastic things to make me feel loved and was emotionally supportive at many times of this whole process. I think she felt the need to "rush" the whole ordeal and didn't understand that there are a variety of factors that play into the grieving process. She had a previous ex bf whose mother died and she would sometimes say "well, he still made me feel loved... even when he planned to kill himself." Well, she failed to understand that there are so many different ways that people process grief/ loss and that my way was to try and flood my mind with medicine, though I understand that isn't necessarily the healthiest thing. I will say, that is one thing for which I am hurt with her.

    A part of me realizes that I could've done more, but I also have become more cognizant of the fact that she could've been more understanding of the big picture of how everything panned out. I think she failed to realize that grief is a process that occurs even before the person passes with the fear of anticipation. So for months, I spent a lot of time thinking "when is this going to happen," cause as failed and experimental medical procedures piled up, my hope for a rebound in his health deteriorated proportionately. Idk if she's aware of how a long arduous process of before, during, and after a death really f***s with your head. Maybe she will never see that, but I can only hope.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Mosaicinfinity
    She had a previous ex bf whose mother died and she would sometimes say "well, he still made me feel loved... even when he planned to kill himself." Well, she failed to understand that there are so many different ways that people process grief/ loss and that my way was to try and flood my mind with medicine, though I understand that isn't necessarily the healthiest thing. I will say, that is one thing for which I am hurt with her.
    Wow. Her quote is insane. She sounds completely devoid of empathy and extremely self-centered.

    I think you've had a luckier escape than you realise.

  7. #16
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    My heart goes out to you for your loss of your father.

    I would stop buying into ex's perceptions that YOU somehow failed HER. She's self centered and put your grief and your Mom's on her own calendar, and rather than apologize to you for that, she's just pushing her own agenda to villainize you.

    Skip that. This is a woman who doesn't respect you--or probably anyone--enough to know humility in the face of life's blows. I'd skip the contact and trust that if she ever gets tenderized by her own life events, she might wake up to recognize the pressures she put on you. Short of that, she doesn't own the capacity to understand you, so she doesn't own the ability to know you. That's not love, it's something else, and you'll see in time that you're far better off without 'that' in your life.

    Quit catering to how she feels and make it a private goal to surprise yourself with your resilience and ability to push forward to reach higher ground. There's a whole different perspective from that place, and you'll thank yourself for the expanded vision. This doesn't mean that you can't feel love for your ex. It just means that some people are better loved from far away.

    Head high, and your Mom is lucky to have you for a son.

  8. #17
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    Well said Catfeeder!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    My heart goes out to you for your loss of your father.

    I would stop buying into ex's perceptions that YOU somehow failed HER. She's self centered and put your grief and your Mom's on her own calendar, and rather than apologize to you for that, she's just pushing her own agenda to villainize you.

    Skip that. This is a woman who doesn't respect you--or probably anyone--enough to know humility in the face of life's blows. I'd skip the contact and trust that if she ever gets tenderized by her own life events, she might wake up to recognize the pressures she put on you. Short of that, she doesn't own the capacity to understand you, so she doesn't own the ability to know you. That's not love, it's something else, and you'll see in time that you're far better off without 'that' in your life.

    Quit catering to how she feels and make it a private goal to surprise yourself with your resilience and ability to push forward to reach higher ground. There's a whole different perspective from that place, and you'll thank yourself for the expanded vision. This doesn't mean that you can't feel love for your ex. It just means that some people are better loved from far away.

    Head high, and your Mom is lucky to have you for a son.
    Maybe you're right. I guess I kept thinking of how badly I did because she kept telling me how badly I did. It just made me feel like a crappy person and that I did something so wrong to hurt her. She feels so strongly in that belief that she's still hurt from it. I'm definitely still hurt as well, but I guess there's nothing I can do.

    Thank you, I hope my mom realizes that!

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